Myth-Ing Persons m-5

by Robert Asprin

  In immediate response to his efforts, Tananda and Guido both produced projectile weapons and shouted something to him. Though the distance was too great to make out the words clearly, it was obvious to me that they were threatening to shoot him down if he tried to take to the air.

  "We may have a murder case yet," Kirby murmured, squinting to watch the rooftop drama unfold.

  "Murder?" I exclaimed, turning on him. "How can you call it murder if they're only trying to keep from escaping your justice? "

  "That wasn't what I meant," the vampire said, never taking his eyes from the action. "Check it out."

  I looked… and my heart stood still.

  Aahz had been trying to ease up the roof peak closer to Vic and his hostage. Vic must have seen him, because he was now holding Luanna out over the drop as he pointed an angry finger at my partner. The threat was unmistakable.

  "You know, eet is people like zat who give ze vampires a bad name, eh?" Pepe said, nudging me.

  I ignored him, lost in my own anxiety and frustration at the stalemated situation. A noticeably harder jab from Massha broke my reverie, however.

  "Hey, Hot Stuff. Do you see what I see?"

  I tore my gaze away from the confrontation and shot a glance her way. She was standing motionless, her brow furrowed with concentration and her eyes closed.

  It took me a few moments to realize what she was doing, then I followed suit, scarcely daring to hope.

  There it was! A force line! A big, strong, beautiful, glorious force line.

  I had gotten so used to not having any magical energy at my disposal in this dimension that I hadn't even bothered to check!

  I opened myself to the energy, relished it for a fleet moment, then rechanneled it.

  "Excuse me," I said with a smile, handing my sunglasses to Kirby. "It's about time I took a hand in this directly."

  With that, I reached out with my mind, pushed off against the ground, and soared upward, setting a course for the cornered vampire on the roof.

  Chapter Nineteen

  "All right, pilgrim. This is between you and me!"

  -A. HAMILTON

  I had hoped to make my approach unobserved, but as I flew upward, the crowd below let out a roar that drew the attention of the combatants on the roof. Terrific! When I wanted unobtrusive, I got notoriety.

  Reaching a height level with that of the vampire, I hovered at a discreet distance.

  "Put away the nasties," I called to Tananda and Guido. "He's not getting away by air."

  They looked a bit rebellious, but followed the order.

  "What's with the Peter Pan bit, partner?" Aahz shouted. "Are you feeling your Cheerioats, or did you finally find a force line?"

  "Both." I waved back, then turned my attention to Vic.

  Though his eyes were obscured by his sunglasses, I could feel his hateful glare burning into me to the bone. "Why don't you just call it quits?" I said in what I hoped was a calm, soothing tone. "It's over. We've got you outflanked."

  For a moment he seemed to waiver with indecision. Then, without warning, he threw Luanna at Aahz.

  "Why can't you all just leave me alone!" he screamed, and dove off the roof.

  Aahz somehow managed to snag the girl's hurtling form, though in the process he lost his balance and tumbled backward down the roof peak, cushioning the impact with his own body.

  I hesitated, torn between the impulse to check on Luanna's welfare and the desire to pursue Vic.

  "Go get him!" my partner called. "We're fine!"

  That was all the encouragement I needed. Wheeling to my right, I plunged after the fleeing vampire, What followed was one of the more interesting experiences of my limited magical career. As I mentioned before, my form of flying magically isn't really flying… it's controlled levitation of oneself. This made enthusiastic pursuit a real challenge to my abilities. To counterbalance the problem, however, Vic couldn't really fly either'… at least he never seemed to flap his wings. Instead, he appeared content to soar and bank and catch an occasional updraft. This forced him to continually circle and double back through roughly the same area time and time again. This suited me fine, as I didn't want to wander too far away from my energizing force line now that I had found it. The idea of running out of power while suspended fifty feet in the air did not appeal to me at all.

  Anyway, our aerial duel rapidly became a curious matching of styles with Vic's swooping and circling in his efforts to escape and my vertical and horizontal maneuverings to try to intercept him. Needless to say, the conflict was not resolved quickly. As soon as I would time a move that came close enough to an interception to justify attempting it again. Vic would realize his danger and alter his pattern, leaving me to try to puzzle out his new course. The crowd loved it.

  They whooped and hollered, their words of encouragement alternately loud and faint as we changed altitude. It was impossible to tell which of us they were cheering for, though for a while I thought it was me, considering the approval they had expressed when I first took off to join the battle. Then I noticed that the crowd was considerably larger than it had been when I entered the fray, and I realized that many of them had not been around to witness the beginning of the conflict. To them, it probably appeared that a monster from another dimension was chasing one of their fellow beings through the sky.

  That thought was disquieting enough that I spared some of my attention to scan the surrounding rooftops on the off-chance that a local sniper might be preparing to help his fellow countryman. It turned out to be the wisest decision I had made.

  As I was looking over my shoulder, I plowed full force into Vic, who had doubled back on his own path. The feint would have probably worked if I had seen it, but as it was we collided at maximum speed, the impact momentarily stunning us both. I managed to grab a double handful of the vampire's turtleneck as we fell about ten feet before I adjusted my levitation strength to support us both.

  "What's the matter with you!" I demanded, trying to shake him, which succeeded only in moving us both back and forth in the air. "Running away won't help."

  Then I realized he was crying.

  Somehow, this struck me as immensely unfair. I mean, how are you supposed to stay mad at a villain that cries? Okay. So I'm a soft tough. But the crying really did make a difference.

  "I can't fight you all!" he sobbed, tears streaming down his cheeks. "Maybe if I knew some magic I could take one of you with me… but at least you're going to have to work for your kill!"

  With that he tore loose from my grasp and swooped away.

  His words stunned me so much I almost let him escape. Fortunately, I had the presence of mind to call out to him.

  "Hey, dummy! Nobody's trying to kill you!"

  "Yeah, sure," he shouted back. "You're up here just for the fun of it."

  He was starting to bank toward the street, and I knew I'd only have time for one more try.

  "Look! Will you stop running if I quit chasing you? I think there's a major misunderstanding here."

  He glanced back over his shoulder and saw that I was still where I was when we collided. Altering his course slightly, he flared his wings and landed on a carved gargoyle ornament jutting out from the side of the building.

  "Why should you want to talk?" he called, wiping his face with one hand. "I thought nothing I could say would change your mind."

  "You'd be surprised," I shouted back. "Say, do you mind if I land on that ledge near you? I feel pretty silly just hanging here."

  He glanced at the indicated ledge, and I could see his wings flex nervously.

  "C'mon," I urged. "I'll be further away from you there than I was when we started this chase back on the roof. You'll still have a clean shot at getting away if I try anything."

  He hesitated, then nodded his consent.

  Moving slowly so as not to alarm him, I maneuvered my way to my new perch. Truth to tell, I was glad to get something solid under my feet again. Even using magic, flying can take a lot out
of you, and I was relieved to get a chance to rest. Now that I was closer, I could see that Vic was breathing heavily himself. Apparently his form of flying was no picnic either.

  "All right," I said in a much more conversational tone. "Let's take this thing from the top. Who says we're trying to kill you?"

  "Matt does," the vampire responded. "He's the one who filled me in on you and your pet demon. To be honest with you, I had never even heard of you until Matt explained whose home we had stumbled into."

  "Matt?" I frowned.

  Then I remembered. Of course. The third member of the fugitive party. Luanna's old con artist partner who nobody had been paying attention to at all. A germ of an idea began to form in my head.

  "And he says we're out to kill you?"

  "That's right. According to him nobody crosses the Great Skeeve or makes a fool of him and lives… and using your house as an escape route definitely qualifies."

  The reputation thing again. I was beginning to realize why so many magicians preferred to lead the lives of recluses.

  "That's crazy, Vic." I said. "If I tried to kill everybody who's made a fool of me, I'd be armpit-deep in corpses."

  "Oh yeah?" he shot back. "Well. if you aren't out to kill me, why did you send your pet demon after us?"

  Despite my resolve to settle this thing amicably, I was starting to get annoyed.

  "First of all, he's not my pet demon. He's my partner and his name is Aahz. Secondly, I didn't send him. He knocked me out cold and came himself. Third and final, he was never out to kill you. He was trying to bring you and your cohorts back to Deva so we wouldn't get stuck paying off the people you swindled plus a hefty fine. Are you getting all this, or am I going too fast for you?"

  "But I didn't swindle anybody," the vampire protested. "Those two offered me a job helping them sell magic charms. I didn't know they weren't genuine until Matt said the customers were mad and we had to run. I suggested we hide out here because it's the only place I know besides the Bazaar."

  "Uh-huh," I said, studying the sky. "Next you'll be saying you didn't frame my partner or sound the alarm on us when we tried to spring him." Vic's wings dropped as he hung his head.

  "That much I can't deny… but I was scared! I framed the demon because it was the only way I could think of to get him off our trail for a while. I really thought he could get loose on his own, and when I saw you at the Woof Writers', I knew he was going to get away. I sounded the alarm hoping you would all get caught and be detained long enough to give us a head start. Looking back on it, they were pretty ratty things to do, but what would you do if you had a pack of killer demons on your trail?"

  Now that I could identify with. Chumley's words about Vic and I being alike echoed in my ears. I had had to improvise in some pretty hairy situations myself. "Wait a minute!" I growled. "Speaking of killer demons, what was that bit with you dangling Luanna over the edge of the building back there?"

  "I was bluffing," the vampire shrugged. "Your friends were threatening to shoot me if I tried to fly away, and it was the only thing I could think of to try to get them to back off. I wouldn't deliberately hurt anyone… especially Luanna. She's sweet. That's why I was trying to help her escape with me after they caught Matt."

  That brought me to the question that had been nagging at my mind since I started this wild chase.

  "If you don't mind me asking, why didn't you just change into mist and drift away? We could never have caught you then."

  Vic gave a short, bitter laugh.

  "Do you know how rough it is to turn into mist? Well, you're a magician. Maybe you do know. Anyway, you might as well know the truth. I'm not much in the magic department… in fact, I'm pretty much a bust as a vampire. I can't even change all the way into a bat! These wings are the best I've been able to do. That's why I was looking for a new life in the Bazaar. I'd rather be a first-class anything than a third-rate vampire. I mean, I don't even like blood!"

  "You should meet my bodyguard." I grinned despite myself. "He's a gangster who's allergic to garlic."

  "Garlic? I love garlic."

  I opened my mouth to offer him Guido's job, then shut it rapidly. If this character was half as desperate as he sounded, he'd probably take the offer seriously and accept, and then where would I be? All we needed to complete our menagerie was a magic-poor vampire.

  "Well," I said instead, "I guess that answers all my questions except one. Now that you know we aren't trying to kill you, are you ready to quit running and face the music?"

  The vampire gnawed his lower lip as he thought.

  "You're sure it will be all right?"

  "I can't say for sure until I talk to my partner," I admitted, "but I'm pretty sure things will be amenable. The main problem is to get the murder charges against him dropped… which I think we've already accomplished. As for you, I think the only thing they could have against you is false arrest, and there's no way Aahz will press charges on that one."

  "Why not?"

  I gave him my best grin.

  "Because if he did, we couldn't take you back to Deva to deal with the swindling charge. Believe me, if given a chance between revenge and saving money, you can trust Aahz to be forgiving every time."

  Vic thought about it for a few more moments, then shrugged.

  "Embarrassment I'm used to dealing with, and I think I can beat the swindling rap. C'mon, Skeeve. Let's get this thing over with."

  Having finally reached a truce, however temporary, we descended together to face the waiting crowd.

  Chapter Twenty

  "There's no accounting for taste!"

  -COLONEL SANDERS

  "BUT Skeeve…"

  BANG!

  "…I told you before…"

  BANG! BANG!

  "… I could never abandon Matt…"

  BANG!

  "… he's my partner!"

  BANG.'BANG!

  "But Lu…"

  BANG!

  "… excuse me. HEY, PARTNER! COULD YOU KNOCK OFF THE HAMMERING FOR A MINUTE? I'M TRYING TO HAVE A CONVERSATION HERE!"

  "Not a chance," Aahz growled around his mouthful of nails. "I'm shutting this door permanently before anything else happens. But tell you what, I'll try to hammer quietly."

  If you deduce from all this that we were back at our place on Deva, you're right. After some long, terse conversations with the citizens of Blut and fond farewells to Vilhelm and Pepe, our whole crew, including our three captives, had trooped back to the castle and through the door without incident.

  I had hoped to have a few moments alone with Luanna, but, after several attempts, the best I had been able to manage was this conversation in the reception room under the watchful eyes of Aahz and Matt.

  Matt, incidentally, turned out to be a thoroughly unpleasant individual with a twisted needle-nose, acne, a receding hairline, and the beginnings of a beer-belly. For the life of me, I couldn't figure out what Luanna saw in him.

  "But that was when you thought he was in a jam," I said, resuming the argument. "Aahz and I have already promised to help defend him and Vic when they go before the Merchants Association. There's no need to stand by him yourself."

  "I don't understand you, Skeeve," Luanna declared, shaking her head. "If I wouldn't leave Matt when he was in trouble, why should I leave him when things look like they're going to turn out okay? I know you don't like him, but he's done all right by me so far… and I still owe him for getting me away from the farm."

  "But we're making you a good offer," I tried again desperately. "You can stay here and work for Aahz and me, and if you're interested we could even teach you some real magic so you don't have to…"

  She stopped me by simply laying a hand on my arm.

  "I know it's a good offer, Skeeve, and it's nice of you to make it. But for the time being I'm content to stay with Matt. Maybe sometime in the future, when I have a little more to offer you in return, I'll take you up on it… if the deal's still open." "Well," I sighed, "if that's really what you
want…"

  "Hey! Don't take it so hard, buddy," Matt laughed, clapping his hand on my shoulder. "You win some, you lose some. This time you lost. No hard feelings. Maybe you'll have better luck with the next one. We're both men of the world, and we know one broad's just like any other."

  "Matt, buddy" I said through clenched teeth, "get that hand off my shoulder before it loses a body."

  As I said, even on our short trip back from Limbo I had been so under whelmed by Matt that I no longer even bothered trying to be polite or mask my dislike for him. He could grate on my nerves faster than anyone I had ever met. If he was a successful con artist, able to inspire trust from total strangers, then I was the Queen of May.

  "Matt's just kidding," Luanna soothed, stepping between us.

  "Well I'm not," I snarled. "Just remember you're welcome here any time you get fed up with this slug."

  "Oh, I imagine we'll be together for quite some time," Matt leered, patting Luanna lightly on her rump. "With you big shots vouching for us we should be able to beat this swindling rap… and even if we lose, so what? All it means is I'll have to give them back their crummy twenty gold pieces."

  Aahz's hammering stopped abruptly… or maybe it was my heart.

  I tried vainly to convince myself that I hadn't heard him right.

  "Twenty gold pieces?" I said slowly.

  "Yeah. They caught on to us a lot quicker here at the Bazaar than I thought they would. It wasn't much of a haul even by my standards. I can't get over the fact that you big shots went through so much trouble to drag us back here over a measly twenty gold pieces. There must be more to this principle thing than I realized."

  "Ummm… could I have a word with you, partner?" Aahz said, putting down his hammer.

  "I was about to ask the same thing," I admitted, stepping to the far side of the room.

  Once we were alone, we stared at each other, neither wanting to be the first to speak.

  "You never did get around to asking Hay-ner how much was at stake, did you?" Aahz sighed absently.