• Disrespect your elders. The leader of a cyboar pack is typically a matriarchal sow—a grandmother. If you’re surrounded, try to pick her out. She’ll be the one hanging toward the back of the group, grunting orders. Stun or wound her with a weapon, and she may order the pack to retreat. Then again, her grandkids may try to teach you a lesson.
CUDDLY KILLING MACHINES
We won’t lie: as long as you can ignore the glowing red eyes and metal tusks, cyboar piglets are cute. Don’t be fooled. These little piggies are just as aggressive as their elders. Remember, they’re part robot. As we all know, robots are cold-blooded killers. It doesn’t matter how much they remind you of Honey Boo-Boo’s teacup pig—treat cyboar piglets with the same fear and respect you would show full-grown cyboars. And by that we mean kill the freaks.
DINONAMI
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Velocinami • FIRST OBSERVED: Kōchi, Japan (2012) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 500 mph (Megatsunami), Varies (Dinosaurs) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Eccentric Billionaires, Mathematicians in Leather Jackets • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Coastal Regions • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
IF YOU’RE IN THE LUCRATIVE DINOSAUR-CLONING BUSINESS, you’d be hard-pressed to find a better breeding ground for your experiments than an isolated tropical island. Unfortunately, megatsunamis—fast-moving waves up to a kilometer high—happen in the same waters with frightening regularity these days. A dinonami occurs when a megatsunami wipes out a dinosaur island and washes the creatures onto the mainland. While large triceratops or tyrannosauruses are rarely caught up in waves, three-foot-tall velociraptors are frequently swept ashore. Once on land, velociraptors can deftly navigate the floodwaters thanks to their feathered arms and sleek bodies. When they’ve cornered you, they’ll tear your stomach open with the three-inch claws on their hind legs and wait for you to bleed to death before feeding.
STUDY
IN 2012, A meteorite impact in the Pacific Ocean triggered a megatsunami off the coast of Japan. The spectacular wave wiped out everything in its path, including a remote island teeming with cloned velociraptors. Authorities believe a rogue nation was breeding the dinosaurs as weapons of war. Either that, or else a slightly unhinged businessman was attempting to create his own Triassic Safari theme park.
The megatsunami continued past the island, finally slamming into the Japanese coast. Thousands of buildings collapsed. As survivors attempted to navigate the flooded streets to safety, they found out they weren’t alone. The megatsunami had swept hundreds of velociraptors ashore. Raptor attacks doubled the disaster’s death toll.
Paleontologist Yamashita Hayato proposed fighting the dinosaurs with biological warfare. “Since velociraptors are ancestors of modern birds, they share some of the same DNA,” he says. “I advised the government to strategically deploy an avian flu strain—one that only affected birds, not humans.”
The results were swift and brutal. Within hours, the velociraptors succumbed to the virus. Floodwaters washed their carcasses back out to sea, erasing the second dinosaur age as quickly as it had begun.
STRANGE COINCIDENCE
Dinosaurs were wiped out 65 million years ago by a comet impact. Another rock from space—this time, a meteorite—caused the 2012 dinonami. While no one is suggesting the unnatural disasters are related, no one is suggesting they aren’t related.
AVOID
MOST OF THE Earth’s population lives in coastal regions prone to dinonamis. Unless you’re willing to move fifty miles or more inland, you should wake up every day expecting one.
• Prepare for a quick exit. Authorities issue emergency warnings before megatsunamis make landfall. Having a preplanned evacuation route will save you valuable time as the wave moves toward the coast. The farther inland you are—and the higher up you are—the better your chance of surviving the wave. Dinosaurs don’t have any trouble running up hills, though, so you’re not out of the water yet, so to speak.
• Always wear a life jacket. Every time you leave the house. You may get a few stares when you’re riding the subway, but semper paratus requires sacrifices.
CRAZY CONSPIRACY
Researcher Eva Sims believes the Japanese dinonami is linked to another unnatural disaster—2013’s Indonesian antdemic (see ANTDEMIC). “The flu strain the Japanese government infected the dinosaurs with is genetically similar to the antdemic strain,” Sims says. “It’s entirely possible the antdemic is the result of our tampering with the natural order.” Japanese officials refuted her claims with an official statement: “Dr. Sims’s accusations are irresponsible and wholly without merit. The virus released in 2012 saved millions of lives.” A World Health Organization investigation is pending.
SURVIVE
YOU WON’T REALIZE a megatsunami is carrying dinosaurs until it’s too late. Not that it will make much difference—megatsunamis are deadly enough on their own. Thankfully, the following tips apply to either situation.
• Put down the surf board. “The prospect of hanging ten on a wave hundreds of feet tall may be inviting, but it would be the last wave you’ll ever ride,” says Fin Shepard. “If the wave doesn’t kill you, the dinosaurs will.”
• Grab ahold of something sturdy. If you are caught in floodwaters, find something solid like a streetlight or a large tree to hold on to. Make sure what you’re clutching isn’t the neck of an apatosaurus.
• Watch for multiple waves. Each wave may bring new horrific dinosaurs, depending on its height and strength.
• When a dinosaur attacks, fight back. What else are you going to do? According to Hayato, small dinosaurs like velociraptors are vulnerable to gunshots and blunt-force trauma. An aluminum baseball bat works well and never runs out of ammo or gas.
NOTE: In the rare situation a megatsunami washes a T. rex into your path, you won’t be carrying a weapon large enough to hurt it. If it’s intent on eating you, it will eat you. However, you will be killed by the coolest dinosaur ever. Most people go their whole lives without ever seeing a T. rex in person. Do you know how lucky you are?
Carnivore or Herbivore?
One will eat your garden; one will eat your gardener. Identifying carnivorous dinosaurs could be the difference between life and death during a dinonami. Test your skills on these commonly cloned dinosaur species:
1. Tyrannosaurus
2. Triceratops
3. Apatosaurus
4. Velociraptor
5. Allosaurus
6. Iguanodon
7. Stegosaurus
8. Kosmoceratops
9. Spinosaurus
10. Brontosaurus
Answers: 1. Carnivore 2. Herbivore 3. Herbivore 4. Carnivore 5. Carnivore 6. Herbivore 7. Herbivore 8. Herbivore 9. Carnivore 10. Neither—the “brontosaurus” never existed, thus it can’t be cloned
SHARKNADO
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Twister from Another Mister • FIRST OBSERVED: Los Angeles, California (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 70 mph (Swirling Wind up to 300 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Beach Bums, Bus Drivers, Best Friends • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Open Saltwater, Coastal Regions • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
AS YOU CAN GATHER FROM THE NAME, A SHARKnado is a tornado filled with sharks. These sharks are extraordinarily aggressive, not because they’re hungry—they probably are—but because they’re angry and confused. You’d be in a bad mood too if someone picked you up, spun you in circles at several hundred miles an hour, and threw you through some stranger’s living room window.
STUDY
IN 2013, HURRICANE David spawned three waterspouts off the California coast. The powerful aquatic tornados made a beeline for Los Angeles, sweeping up thousands of great whites, hammerheads, and tiger sharks in their path.
Scientists blame the irregular weather on climate change. Some fringe theorists, however, have posited that sharknados are government creations. “The government knows what we buy, what we eat, and where we go to the bathroom
. They even know what kind of cheese I like … pepper jack,” says Beau Major, a part-time cashier at Burbank Liquor in Los Angeles. “They control it all, the weather too. I gotta hand it to them, though. Sharks—I never saw that coming.”
Regardless of what caused them, the sharknados battered Los Angeles with their deadly cargo. Thousands of people died before Fin Shepard’s son Matt and bartender Nova Clarke dropped bombs into the sharknados, dissipating two of the funnels. Unfortunately, Clarke fell out of a helicopter and into the waiting jaws of a massive great white.
Fin took care of the third and final sharknado. “I’m no hero,” he says. “I’m just some guy who drove an SUV with a ticking bomb into a sharknado, chainsawed one of my employees [Clarke] out of a shark’s belly, and saved a school bus full of children, one by one, from shark-infested floodwaters.”
AVOID
THE KEY TO surviving a sharknado is being prepared for a sharknado.
• Keep an eye out for inclement-weather alerts.
• Sharknado watches mean that conditions are favorable for a sharknado to occur (stormy conditions over a body of seawater coupled with abnormally large gatherings of sharks).
• Sharknado warnings mean that an actual sharknado has been spotted. Sharks are flying through the freaking air.
• Board up your windows. If you survive a sharknado, the last thing you want is to come home to a tiger shark doing laps in your flooded family room. While you can’t prevent water or wind damage, you can keep sharks at bay with some two-by-fours, a bag of nails, and a hammer. Board your windows as soon as a sharknado warning is issued.
How to Wield a Chainsaw Like a Boss
Chainsaws are great all-purpose tools for unnatural disasters. They’re useful for cutting trees in the road, scaring your daughter’s boyfriend, and—of course—killing sharks. When a great white is flying straight for you and you have one of these gasoline-powered bad boys in your hands, there’s only one thing to do. Let ’er rip. User manual? More like “loser manual.” Here’s all you need to know.
1. If the chainsaw has a primer bulb, pump it three times.
2. If the chainsaw has a choke lever, place it into the “choke” position.
3. Activate the chain brake.
4. Switch it on.
5. With your left hand on the front handle and the back of the chainsaw between your legs or under your foot, pull the starter rope. If the engine doesn’t start, try again.
6. Kneel on one knee and raise the chainsaw over your head. Use both hands. Point it toward the sky, angled back slightly. The shark’s nose should hit it lengthwise—avoid using the tip of the chainsaw, as you may lose control.
7. If you are positioned properly, you will cut the shark in two right down the middle. The two halves should land on either side of you, leaving you bloody but unharmed.
SURVIVE
DON’T JUST STAND around and wait for sharks to rain down on you. When a sharknado starts flinging sharks in your general direction, run.
DO: Watch out for other flying debris. Keep an eye out for trees, house siding, trash, and the occasional runaway Ferris wheel.
DON’T: Listen to the Red Cross. During tornados, the Red Cross recommends taking shelter in a basement, storm cellar, or interior room. Sharknados are a different beast. Because flash flooding occurs in conjunction with sharknados, your “safe place” in a basement or closet may be a) flooded and b) filled with hungry sharks.
DO: Drive fast and furious. Get as far away from the coast as you can. If a cop tries to pull you over, wave good-bye and press the nitrous button. One of you will be chum soon enough anyway. However, tornados have been clocked at over seventy miles per hour—easy enough to outrun on the open road, but impossible on the 405 during rush hour. Also, be advised that fins in the mirror are closer than they appear.
WHATEVER YOU DO, ABSOLUTELY DON’T: Hotwire a chopper and drop bombs into the sharknado. While enough heat will cause the funnel to dissipate, this is dangerous. Matt Shepard was lucky. Ninety-nine times out of a hundred, it’s a suicide mission. If you disregard our advice, at least get your mother’s permission first.
From the Kitchen of Nova Clarke
Grilled Shark Steak
Why I Love This Recipe: When I was seven, my grandpa took me fishing on one of those day charter deals with his friends. The boat went down. My grandfather put me inside this little life raft for safety. Suddenly, all these sharks started swarming. By morning, my grandfather … everyone … they were all gone. Six people went into the water and one little girl came out. The sharks took the rest. They took my grandfather. So I really hate sharks. Except on my dinner plate … lightly seasoned.
Ingredients: 1 dead shark, 2 cups milk, 1 tbsp. lemon juice, salt and black pepper to taste
1. Following the sharknado, the streets will be littered with sharks. FEMA will move in shortly to collect them, so don’t waste time—find a nice-sized specimen and haul it home.* Also—and I can’t stress this enough—make sure the shark is dead before trying to load it into the backseat of your Ford Focus. Nothing will spoil your appetite faster than a fatal shark bite.
2. Clean the fish and cut off a couple of one-inch-thick steaks. Don’t forget to check the shark’s belly for any survivors it may have swallowed whole!
3. Wash steaks thoroughly and place in a dish of milk. Let stand an hour or two.
4. Prepare your grill for medium-high heat. Pat steaks dry. Season with lemon juice, salt, and pepper.
5. Shark steaks should be grilled 10 minutes per inch of thickness (turning once to cook evenly), until the meat is opaque and flakes easily when tested with a fork. Who’s the apex predator now? You are.
*Assuming your home wasn’t destroyed.
WHALESTROM
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Killer Whalepool • FIRST OBSERVED: Glacier Bay, Alaska (2008) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 30 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Honeymooners, Retirees • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Northern Waters • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
WHEN HUNDREDS OF WHALES CIRCLE A boat in the same direction, they cause a whalestrom—a massive whirlpool virtually impossible to escape. The whales (which can include prehistoric sperm whales, killer whales, and narwhals) circle because they think they’ve found something to eat, and they’ll ram a boat to jolt prey loose, like when you shake a vending machine to knock a stuck Baby Ruth free. Fall overboard, and you’re almost certainly dead.
STUDY
WHALE WATCHING IS a lucrative business. It’s also unpredictable. Dissatisfied customers are common. When too many negative reviews accumulate online, business goes down. That’s the problem Regal Islands International executives faced in 2008 as their stock was tanking. If they could guarantee whale sightings on their cruises, they could turn business around.
Regal Islands scientists developed a solution. They created a beacon that broadcast a frequency mimicking an injured giant squid. On a live test run in Alaska’s Glacier Bay, hundreds of killer whales answered the call. The school circled the cruise ship, delighting the passengers and, in turn, the executives. No one noticed the swirling water, however. No one except whale expert Nelson Reeves, who was fortuitously on his honeymoon aboard the cruise ship.
“The unprecedented number of orcas circling the boat created a whirlpool,” he says. “Lurking amongst them was an enormous prehistoric sperm whale—a leviathan. It should have been extinct. Somehow, this beacon called it up from the depths.”
The leviathan attacked the ship, knocking passengers overboard into the waiting mouths of the hungry killer whales and damaging the ship’s engine. Unable to escape the swirling waters, it began sinking into the whalestrom.
Reeves wrestled the beacon free from the executives and tossed it overboard into the leviathan’s open mouth, causing the killer whales to descend on the prehistoric creature. “The beacon made the orcas think the leviathan was a wounded squid,” Reeves says. “They tore him apart like kids opening presents on
Christmas morning.” As the whales stopped circling the boat, the whirlpool dissipated.
CRAZY CONSPIRACY
Twenty million people cruise every year. If people know about whalestroms, why do they continue to put themselves in harm’s way? Some critics say the industry isn’t being forthright about the dangers associated with cruises. Survivor Wilma Summers shares the horrors she experienced on the boat—a “wretched death trap,” in her words—in her New York Times–bestselling memoir A Whale of a Bad Time: A Story of Survival (an excerpt of which appears at the end of this guide). Industry spokesperson Rosalie Singleton refutes such claims. “Statistically speaking, cruise ships are the safest mode of transportation,” she says. “You’re more likely to be killed by a sasquatch while driving to the dock than you are by a whalestrom on your cruise.”
AVOID
GOOD NEWS, LANDLUBBERS: Avoiding a whalestrom is as easy as never getting your feet wet. Whalestroms don’t form on land. Even though whales can breathe air, you can’t have a whirlpool without water.
SURVIVE
YOU WENT OUT on a boat and got caught up in a whalestrom. Now what?
• Attempt to navigate out of the whalestrom. This sounds like common sense, but you’d be surprised how many people just freeze up. Unfortunately, in most cases it will be impossible to leave the whalestrom—especially if your boat is to blame.
• Determine why you’re the center of attention. If the whales are circling your boat, find out why. If there’s a beacon drawing them in, toss it overboard.
How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters Page 3