• The whales may be hungry—so feed them. Occasionally, whales will circle a boat because they’re used to being fed by humans. If you’re on a fishing boat, unload your catch. If you’re on a cruise ship, throw that unfunny comedian overboard. He’s had it coming for a long time.
When Earth Attacks
EXTREME-WEATHER VORTEX
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Tornado Terror • FIRST OBSERVED: New York City, New York (2008) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 10 mph (Swirling Wind up to 100 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Gawkers, Sightseers • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
WHILE VISUALLY SIMILAR IN SATELLITE photos to hurricanes, extreme-weather vortices are much more dangerous. Unlike hurricanes, these swirling storm systems are stationary. The chemical reactions inside these atmospheric mixing bowls cause unnatural phenomena like powerful upper-atmospheric lightning close to the ground and ice twisters (see ICE TWISTER). These phenomena are fast-occurring, temporary or semipermanent, and impossible to predict. While vortices may be relatively new to our planet, they’re common on other planets with disengaged high and low atmospheres. Jupiter’s red spot vortex has been swirling over a fixed location for more than four hundred years.
STUDY
ON THE MORNING of May 18, 2008, the air in the lower atmosphere above Manhattan began swirling. The brewing storm system went unnoticed by meteorologists, whose instruments track weather higher in the atmosphere.
The first sign of trouble happened in Central Park. Six-foot-tall whirlwinds filled with subzero air whipped through the park. Children chased these “mini tornados” around—until the tornados started chasing the kids back. The mini tornados soon merged into a full-scale ice twister, which threw one unlucky man sixty feet up into the air. A second ice twister formed near Liberty Island, killing dozens and ripping off the Statue of Liberty’s raised arm.
“The devastation was just beginning. The ice twisters were the least of our worries,” meteorologist Cassie Lawrence says. “At the site of one funnel touchdown in Midtown, I found evidence of lightning. It made perfect sense. Planets with high and low atmospheres are lightning machines. If the storm continued to build, I calculated the lightning would increase in frequency exponentially, building to a crescendo the likes of which we’d never seen on Earth before.”
As Mother Nature put on a killer light show, Lawrence convinced city officials to load rockets with dry ice and shoot them into the extreme-weather vortex. The chemical reaction disrupted the storm system, putting an end to the ice twisters and lightning that had claimed thousands of lives.
New York State legislators proposed a law limiting the size of storm systems over the city. When critics argued that such an ordinance would be impossible to enforce, lawmakers dismissed their concerns. “With enough money, anything is possible,” one prominent senator said. Weeks after the law passed, a New York state judge overturned it.
AVOID
EXTREME-WEATHER VORTICES PRESENT multiple threats to your well-being. While ice twisters grab the headlines, the unnaturally powerful lightning is the real hazard. Lightning kills about seventy people a year in the United States—or it did until lightning from the New York City vortex killed many times that number in a single day. With that in mind, here’s how to avoid becoming the next casualty.
• Fortify your home against lightning. Use surge protectors with all electronics. Install lightning rods on your home.
• Fortify your body against lightning. Remove all piercings (including that one your parents don’t know about—you know which one we mean). Leave your watch on the nightstand. And it’s time you retired that chain wallet, isn’t it?
WEIRD SCIENCE
During the 2008 extreme-weather vortex above New York, many saw upper-atmospheric lightning for the first time. Upper-atmospheric lightning usually occurs above storm clouds and lasts only a few milliseconds, making it difficult to observe under normal conditions. In fact, the first visual evidence of upper-atmospheric lightning was recorded in 1989, when a space shuttle caught images of a ghostly “red sprite” over Australia. Other upper-atmospheric lightning that we’ll start seeing thanks to vortices include strange phenomena like blue jets and ELVES (Emission of Light and Very low-frequency perturbations due to Electromagnetic pulse Sources—say that five times fast).
Extreme-Weather Vortices: Fact or Fiction?
Rubber-soled shoes will protect you from a lightning strike.
Fiction. While rubber is an insulator, it’s not powerful enough to insulate you from lightning. Lightning bolts can burn through insulated power lines. Even if your shoes were ceramic, they would be of no help. Besides, ceramic shoes have terrible arch support.
If you’re on a boat and have scuba gear, dive underwater for as long as possible.
Fact. You are safer underwater than being the tallest object on the open water. Since vortices tend to linger, however, this seems of limited use—you will run out of air at some point, long before the vortex runs out of lightning.
You are safer inside a car than outside one.
Fact. While a car’s rubber tires do not provide protection against lightning strikes, cars can conduct lightning through their metal bodies. This disperses the electricity, possibly saving your life. No word on whether it’s also a cheap way to charge an electric car.
SURVIVE
TREAT THE EXTREME-WEATHER vortex as a threat until authorities have given you the “all clear.” Over half of all lightning strikes occur after a storm has passed. Vortex-related phenomena are even more unpredictable.
If you’re indoors:
• Get to the lowest floor of your building.
• Stay away from windows and doors.
• Do not use corded phones or cell phones—even for texting.
• Unplug anything connected to an electrical outlet, including appliances like air conditioners and computers.
• Keep your pets close by—outfit them in “thunder shirts” if possible to calm them.
• Avoid all plumbing—do not take a shower, wash your hands, or use the toilet. This could get messy.
If you’re outdoors:
• Avoid anything tall that may attract lightning—trees, flagpoles, NBA players, etc.
• Avoid flimsy structures such as picnic shelters, baseball dugouts, and gazebos.
• Do not go swimming or boating.
• Avoid wide-open spaces like beaches—now is not the time for a romantic walk.
FIRENADO
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Devil’s Firestorm • FIRST OBSERVED: Tokyo, Japan (1923) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 20 mph (Wildfire), 60 mph (Storm Clouds), 160 mph (Swirling Wind) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Hikers, Nature Lovers, Cowboys and Cowgirls • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
FIRENADOS OCCUR WHEN TURBULENT AIR PASSES through wildfires, creating columns of fire. Funnels hundreds of feet wide and more than a thousand feet tall have been observed. The prolonged heat of wildfires occasionally generates storm clouds, resulting in rare top-down firenados. A single storm may spawn multiple long-lasting firenados, limited in destructive power only by the availability of material to burn.
STUDY
WHILE FIRE IS a necessary part of the forest ecosystem, wildfires aren’t as welcome by people living near forests or grasslands. To prevent larger catastrophes, authorities sanction controlled burns.
Unfortunately, even the most carefully managed fires occasionally spread, threatening the same communities they’re supposed to protect. Renewal is a great concept until it’s your house that’s “renewed.” That’s what happened in 2009 when the Colorado Forestry Service attempted to burn two hundred acres. Unexpectedly strong El Niño winds carried the fire past the prescribed boundaries. The heat created a storm system above the blaze, spawning firenados.
“Flames scorched half of Colorado Springs,” says park ranger
Miranda Conner. “My five-year-old suggested asking a superhero to freeze a lake with super breath and drop it onto the firenados. I told her this wasn’t some comic book. People’s lives were at stake. However, the more I thought about it, the more I realized it might actually work.”
After Conner contacted a friend at the air force, a fleet of B-1 bombers airlifted glaciers from the Alaskan coast. The planes dropped their frozen cargo into the storm clouds, dousing the firenados. “Superheroes might not be real, but the US military is,” Conner says.
AVOID
STUDY THESE TIPS to be ready when the hellfire hits:
• Plan multiple escape routes. Find at least two different routes out of your neighborhood. Practice driving them every chance you get. This may confuse your neighbors. Wave to put them at ease.
• Keep your yard tidy. Fires need fuel to burn. Cut down on fuel sources in your yard. Water and mow your lawn. Rake up leaves. Pick up dead branches. You’ve been meaning to do this stuff for a while anyway, right?
Melting Points
The temperature inside a firenado funnel can exceed 2,000°F. That’s hot enough to melt glass and many metals, including silver, bronze, and cast iron.
Metal Fahrenheit
Washington Monument (Aluminum Cap) 1220°F
The Rocky Statue (Bronze) 1700°F
Brass Knuckles 1700 °F
Gold Wedding Band 1948°F
Statue of Liberty (Copper) 1984°F
St. Louis Gateway Arch (Stainless Steel) 2600°F
SURVIVE
NOW THAT YOU’VE done all that yard work, we’ll let you in on a secret: When a firenado occurs, you’re safer outdoors.
• First, get out of your home. Then, stay as low to the ground as possible. If it’s inevitable that the flames will catch up to you, find a ditch, drainage pipe, or other recessed area to lie down in. If your state is cash-strapped, you may even be able to find a pot-hole deep enough to hop into.
• Stop, drop, and roll. If your clothing catches fire, don’t act like you’re too cool to care. Stop whatever you’re doing. Next, drop to the ground. Finally, roll around until the flames are extinguished.
• Treat burns. Wash the burn with water for three to five minutes. Do not break blisters. Cover the burn with a moist sterile bandage or cloth. Seek medical attention. Do not apply ice, ointments, or home remedies such as egg whites and butter. Who does that anyway? Egg whites? Everyone knows you’re just supposed to use the yolk.
ICE TWISTER
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Snowclone • FIRST OBSERVED: Harrisford, Oregon (2009) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 70 mph (Swirling Wind up to 300 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Bestselling Novelists, Fanboys • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
ICE TWISTERS ARE FUNNELS FILLED WITH ICE CHUNKS AND subzero temperatures. If you’re caught outside in their deadly path, you can be turned into a human Popsicle in under a minute. Even if you manage to avoid freezing to death, you still have to fend off flying ice and violent winds. Ice twisters can happen under any conditions, even on cloudless days.
STUDY
WHEN A RESEARCH team from the Federal Science Foundation (FSF) deployed thousands of experimental weather drones into the air over Oregon (a state that has long suffered from its lack of precipitation), they were attempting to make it rain—literally.
Operation R.A.I.N.D.A.N.C.E. was successful beyond their wildest dreams. New clouds formed, bringing rain to the Beaver State. However, their tampering also created deadly ice twisters that destroyed homes and froze victims solid. With the help of bestselling novelist Charlie Price (see the sidebar “An Interview with Charlie Price”), FSF researchers starved the storm system by heating the upper atmosphere. No more cold air, no more ice twisters.
FSF researcher Joanne Grant used federal whistleblower protections to testify before the House Committee on Unnatural Affairs. She accused FSF officials of ignoring internal warnings about possible unnatural phenomena caused by R.A.I.N.D.A.N.C.E. Her superiors allegedly knew about the threats and continued with the experiments anyway. They secretly hoped to use the technology to fight terrorism. “Ice twisters could be a pretty serious weapon if pointed in the right direction,” she told the committee with a shiver. “Is it chilly in here, or is it just me?”
AVOID
YOU NEVER KNOW when and where an ice twister will hit. Live your life in anticipation of the sudden onset of subzero temperatures.
• Dress for cold weather like you mean it. Wear layers of moisture-wicking clothing (wool, polypropylene, polyester thermal underwear). Clothing with a Gore-Tex shell will protect you from chilling winds. This could be a bit on the warm side, especially if you live in a moderate to tropical climate. Nevertheless, ask yourself: Would you rather be sweating balls, or frozen stiff like a caveman in a glacier? Unlike Encino Man, you can’t be warmed back to life.
• Always protect your head. Wearing a helmet is a no-brainer. Your skull is strong, but a chunk of ice traveling at 200 mph is stronger. When a freak ice twister hits some Saturday afternoon, you’ll be glad you wore that bicycle helmet to the mall.
• Drive a heavy-duty pickup. If you’re not willing to dress for an ice twister at all times (and let’s face it, we don’t blame you), then at least have a vehicle capable of withstanding one. You’ll want a large pickup, the kind you see advertised during NFL games. Get the optional LINE-X weather coating, which is the same element-resistive coating used on US Navy ships, SWAT vehicles, and Guy Fieri’s hair.
How to Pass Time During a Storm
You could be stuck indoors for several hours. If the ice twisters are part of an extreme-weather vortex, you’re looking at several days. So what do you and your family do in the meantime? If your electricity is out, your options are severely limited—no cable TV or Netflix. Here’s what we suggest:
• Play cards—poker, Uno, or Cards Against Humanity.
• Read a book—the one you’re reading now works quite nicely, unless you’ve bought the electronic or audio edition.
• Exercise—push-ups, pull-ups, that sort of thing.
• Sing songs.
• Play board games—Parcheesi, Risk, Monopoly.
• Put together an elaborate puzzle (1,000 pieces or more).
• Eat everything in your freezer or refrigerator—without electricity, it’s going to spoil anyway.
• Two words: MAKEOUT TIME!
SURVIVE
GRAB SOME BLANKETS and winter clothing, and then follow the usual tornado safety precautions.
DO: Get inside to the basement or lowest floor. Find an interior room away from windows. If you’re in an office building, gather with your coworkers in a restroom. That’s always a good time. Totally not awkward for anybody.
DON’T: Huddle down in a corner. They’re among the least safe places to wait out tornados. Likewise, avoid hunkering down in the basement directly below a large object on the first floor. Being crushed by a piano is funny on Looney Tunes. In real life, it’s hilarious.
DO: Stay in your car if you can’t get safely to a building. If you have an open road, gun it—you may be able to outrun the ice twister. If the road isn’t clear, pull over. Place your head between your legs and cover the back of your neck with your hands. Don’t forget to buckle your seatbelt just in case you go airborne.
DON’T: Park underneath an overpass. Many people assume an overpass provides protection during tornados. They assume wrong. Overpasses attract more debris and stronger winds than open areas. See what can happen when you make assumptions?
WEIRD SCIENCE
Scientists have been trying to make it rain by seeding clouds with chemicals for over a century. Sometimes it works; sometimes it doesn’t. The FSF researchers went a step further. Instead of seeding clouds, they created them. Using experimental drones outfitted with revolutionary moisture evaporators, researchers condensed liquid nitrogen out of the upper atmosphere and pushed
it downward, resulting in moisture-rich clouds. That should guarantee them a blue ribbon at their next science fair.
An Interview with Charlie Price, the New York Times–bestselling Author of Ionos-fear
To the FSF researchers’ dismay, the ice twisters were headed straight for Portland, the home of hipsters, Powell’s Books, and the world’s first and only vegan strip club. Out of ideas, FSF’s Joanne Grant enlisted the aid of an old colleague, bestselling novelist Charlie Price. Using a solution straight out of one of Price’s books, they stopped the storm before it could turn Portland into Iceland.
You used to be a scientist. Why did you trade science fact for science fiction?
I got tired of sitting around waiting on funding. I got sick of kowtowing to the whims of politicians more worried about reelection campaigns than the environment.
Did you ever think the solutions offered by the characters in your books would really work?
No. I never even expected the ice twisters in Ionos-fear would become a reality—at least not within my lifetime. Who knew the solution I created in my book would actually work in real life? Heating the upper atmosphere with low-orbit satellites is just nuts. [laughs] I’m no scientist. I’m just a writer blessed with the luxury of dreaming up disasters.
Some reviewers have criticized your books as apocalyptic.
How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters Page 4