How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters
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Everyone’s worried about sharknados right now, after what happened in Los Angeles. I take real-life threats like that and try to imagine scenarios even more grim. What if you’re an astronaut, and get caught outside the shuttle during a meteor shower? What if you’re not alone? What if there are sharks? That’s where Space Sharknado came from. Apocalyptic? Maybe. But that’s what sells these days.
See APPENDIX: SPACE SHARKNADO for an excerpt from Price’s forthcoming novel, Space Sharknado.
METEOR STORM
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Space Rocks • FIRST OBSERVED: San Francisco, California (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 160,000 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Hippies, Techies, Trekkies • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
WHILE THE METEOROIDS ENTERING EARTH’S atmosphere during a meteor shower leave behind brilliant streaks of light, most are no bigger than a grain of sand. Meteor storms, on the other hand, feature hefty rocks made of robust elements capable of passing through the atmosphere without burning up. Aided by gravity and a depleted ozone layer, these meteorites can strike the Earth’s surface at speeds of more than 100,000 mph. At that speed, even a marble-sized rock is capable of drilling a hole through your roof—to say nothing of your cranium.
STUDY
WHAT WAS SUPPOSED to be an intense but beautiful display in 2010 turned deadly as thousands of unbinilium meteorites from the comet Leder-Bay rained down on San Francisco. KGSF-13 news anchor Kyle Kemper described the scene following Meteor Storm Geordi as a war zone.
Over the next eight hours, three additional meteor storms hit San Francisco. “Because of our planet’s rotation and orbit, the additional storms should have been spread out across the globe,” astronomer Dr. Michelle Young says. “Unfortunately, unbinilium deposits in San Francisco Bay acted as an air traffic controller, guiding the meteorites toward the city. Unbinilium builds up electrostatic attraction and eventually discharges it. It’s not magnetism, but that’s the closest analogue. It’s more like my relationship with my ex-husband.”
Once the fourth storm (Meteor Storm Jean-Luc) ended, Dr. Young realized Earth wasn’t free and clear just yet. An asteroid, cloaked by the unbinilium meteoroids, was on a collision course with Earth.
Dr. Young and government officials devised a last-minute plan incorporating cutting-edge and untested technology. They detonated 1.2-megaton B-83 nuclear warheads near the rogue asteroid, diverting its path. “We got extremely lucky,” Dr. Young says. “And I’m not just talking about the Giants winning the World Series that year.”
AVOID
IF YOU EVER find yourself under siege by a meteor storm, ducking under your kitchen table won’t cut it. You need a fallout shelter that meets the following specifications:
• 20 feet underground
• Concrete walls and ceiling (2 feet thick)
• 10 × 10 feet for up to six occupants (add 2.5 feet in length for each additional person)
• Ventilation with filters to collect debris and dust
• Electrical, Internet, and cable hookups
Grab a case of beer and a few shovels, invite some friends over, and start digging.
WEIRD SCIENCE
Meteoroids are rocks traveling through space. Meteors are the flashes of light as the meteoroids hit the Earth’s atmosphere (also known as shooting stars). Meteorites are meteoroids that make it through the atmosphere. Got that? There will be a quiz later.
SURVIVE
TAKE REFUGE IN your fallout shelter. You built one like we suggested, right? No? Don’t despair. There’s still hope.
• Set down the rocket launcher. Don’t attempt to shoot meteorites out of the air. Such an attempt would be beyond foolish. Even if you somehow locked your missile on a single meteorite and scored a direct hit, the most it would do is shatter it, scattering debris over a much larger area—and increasing the likelihood a fragment will strike you.
• You’re no safer indoors. As the heavens rain down around you, having a roof over your head is reassuring. However, it’s an illusion of comfort—nothing more. Support beams and foundations can be weakened by meteorite strikes, causing buildings to collapse without warning.
• Stay still for just one ever-loving moment. Every time there’s a meteor storm, people begin running around in zigzag patterns. Sit down. You cannot outrun meteorites. You’re better off conserving your energy, in case you need to save your daughter’s boyfriend from a pile of rubble. Then again, maybe not. Depends what you think of the boy.
POLAR STORM
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Magnetic Mayhem • FIRST OBSERVED: Fairbanks, Alaska (2009) • EST. MAX. SPEED: N/A • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Human Beings Who Live on Earth • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
OCCASIONALLY, A METEORITE SO LARGE MAKES IT through Earth’s atmosphere that the impact tilts the planet’s axis. This causes the magnetic poles to begin the slow but painful process of switching places—a “polar storm.” North becomes south, and vice versa. “That doesn’t sound so bad,” you say. “I can’t remember the last time I used a compass.” And it might not be so bad … if that was all that happened. Within days of the planet being knocked out of alignment, earthquakes begin happening worldwide. New magnetic fields (“mini poles”) spontaneously form and spread around the globe. These mini poles discharge electromagnetic shockwaves, which fry electronics—and anyone using them—for hundreds of miles in all directions. Lastly, the Earth’s magnetic shield—the one that protects us from solar radiation—becomes weaker the further the polar storm progresses. Without it, humanity is doomed.
STUDY
IN 2009, A small fragment broke away from the comet Copernicus and hurtled toward Earth. While much of it burned up in the atmosphere, a chunk measuring three hundred meters wide made landfall near Alaska. A quarter of a million people expired in the fallout.
“My science advisors have reported that the immediate crisis is over. The American people are safe and can go on with their lives,” President Obama said in a televised press conference forty-eight hours after the incident.
However, the Storm Hazard Research Center’s James Mayfield believed the threat wasn’t over. He pointed to an apparent shift in the Earth’s axis as the beginning of the end for life on Earth. White House advisors initially dismissed Mayfield’s prediction of a complete pole reversal as an attempt to incite mass hysteria. They labeled him a national security threat. “That hurt, but I’ve been called worse,” Mayfield says.
When images of destruction caused by the mini poles and earthquakes began appearing, the White House changed course. Under Mayfield’s direction, a submarine dropped two fifty-megaton bombs into the Southern Hemisphere’s Mariana Trench. The implausible gambit worked, shocking the planet back into alignment. But you already guessed that. If the plan hadn’t succeeded, you wouldn’t be around to read about it.
WEIRD SCIENCE
The Earth’s magnetic field has reversed thousands of times throughout history because of changes in the Earth’s iron-laden molten core. The poles switch places about once every 400,000 years, according to Mayfield. The most recent reversal was 780,000 years ago. In the past ten years, the North Pole has been observed moving from Canada toward Russia at a rate of forty miles per year. Either it’s defecting from NATO, or we’re looking at the early stages of a pole reversal.
How to Orient Yourself Without a Compass
During a polar storm, your compass is about as worthless as a TV without a remote. Your only hope is to navigate using the sun, moon, and stars.
1. Find a straight, thin stick and flat ground.
2. Jam the stick into the ground at 9 a.m. Mark where the tip of the shadow falls.
3. Wait until 3 p.m. Mark where the tip of the shadow falls.
4. Draw a line between the two points. This is the west/east line.
5. The north/south line
can be found by making a right angle on the west/east line.
6. Realize that your homemade compass is just giving you the same janky readings your magnetic compass gave you. The position of the sun, moon, and stars is meaningless after the axial shift. We’re idiots and didn’t think this through all the way. Sorry about that.
AVOID
ASTRONOMERS HAVE ASSURED the public that we’re in the clear as far as near-Earth objects go for the immediate future. Of course, that was also what they said before the Copernicus fragment hit us. Prepare for earthquakes and mini poles now.
• Ensure your home is built to seismic codes. If you rent, check with your landlord. They’ll probably blow you off. How long’s it been since you notified them of that leak in your bathroom ceiling? That still isn’t fixed? Oh dear.
• What’s on the walls is as potentially dangerous as the walls themselves. Move bookshelves away from couches and chairs. Don’t hang anything above your headboard, unless you want to be killed during the night by that framed Benedict Cumberbatch poster. Not a bad way to go, honestly.
• Drop off the grid. To be safe from the next mini-pole electrical storm, ditch your cell phone. Unplug from the Internet. Live a quiet, peaceful life like one of those sensitive literary writer types. You can still have fun without electricity—pick up a pair of binoculars and go bird-watching.
Electronics to Avoid During Polar Storms
• Planes, trains, and automobiles
• Cell phones and MP3 players
• Google Glasses
• Segways
• Laptops, computers, and tablets
• Blenders and juicers
• Hair dryers, curling irons, and hair straighteners
• Roombas
• Treadmills and exercise bikes
• High-fidelity stereo equipment
• Drones
• Heated Aqua-Jet Foot Spas
• Electric toothbrushes and razors
• Furbies and other battery-powered children’s toys
• Cordless weed whackers and other garden tools*
*In fact, you should probably avoid doing yard work during a polar storm. Not only is it dangerous, but there’s a good chance you’ll be dead within the week anyway. Contemplating your own mortality while mowing the lawn is less fun than it sounds.
SURVIVE
DURING A POLAR storm, multiple unnatural disasters may happen simultaneously.
• In the event of a polar storm–related earthquake, drop to the ground until the initial tremors pass. Not even a world-champion surfer like Fin Shepard can stay upright and balanced during a major earthquake.
• As soon as the ground stops shaking, get indoors. Avoid huddling in doorways. You should be safe from aftershocks under a sturdy table. Yet another reason to get a real dining room table in place of the card table you’ve been using since college.
• Don’t smoke. Busted gas lines are common during earthquakes. Unless you want to blow up, put down the cigarette. You’ve been meaning to quit for a while anyway, right?
• If you can’t get out of Dodge, get out of your Dodge. Cars are particularly unsafe during polar storms. Your car probably won’t turn on—and if it does, you run the risk of electrocution.
• If you have a solution, speak up. Unless the polar storm is stopped, we will eventually be left defenseless against cosmic radiation. There’s no way to survive if things progress that far. If you have any ideas about how to fix the planet’s alignment, don’t hesitate to call or tweet your congressperson. No idea is too wild. In 2009, we dropped nuclear bombs into the ocean. Seriously.
STONADO
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: Plymouth Rocklone • FIRST OBSERVED: Boston, Massachusetts (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 70 mph (Swirling Wind up to 300 mph) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Sox Fans, Meteorologists Who Always Get These Things Wrong, Wahlbergs • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
STONADO FUNNELS ARE POWERFUL ENOUGH TO lift a four-ton rock into the air. The more dangerous threat, however, are the softball-sized “rocks” the storm system creates in the upper atmosphere. These rocks are actually ozone droplets frozen in carbon dioxide. After forming, the ozone rocks descend into the funnels that hurl them in all directions at mind-boggling speeds. As soon as they hit the ground, atmospheric pressure causes them to explode.
STUDY
IN 2013, AN extreme-weather vortex (see EXTREME-WEATHER VORTEX) descended upon Massachusetts. One funnel associated with the storm picked up the historic 8,000-pound Plymouth Rock and deposited it nearly forty miles away onto a Boston basketball court. Soon, rocks were flying all around Beantown.
“At first, we thought the funnels were just picking rocks up off the ground. Tornados pick up things all the time—look at the sharknados,” Boston weatherman Lee Carlton says. “Unfortunately, we quickly learned the storm system was also creating rocks. The vortex kicked ozone into the upper atmosphere, where it froze and descended back to Earth as frozen rocks.”
With the city under siege, Carlton and his storm-chasing brother devised a plan to stop the stonados that included loading an experimental five-ton warhead into their SUV and driving it into one of the stonado funnels (leaping out at the last second, of course). When the stonado swept the SUV into the air, the bomb exploded—igniting the hydrogen in the lower atmosphere, which temporarily raised the local temperature and choked the stonados out.
HIDDEN HISTORY
Although a stonado destroyed Plymouth Rock, it wasn’t as big a loss for American history as you might think. Contrary to popular belief, the Mayflower never landed at the rock displayed as “Plymouth Rock.” In fact, Pilgrim William Bradford never mentioned landing at any rock in his journal. A town elder “identified” Plymouth Rock in 1741—more than 120 years after the Pilgrims landed. “We have a team piecing it back together,” museum curator Mead White says. “It’s like a four-ton Rubik’s Cube.” He expects to complete the restoration sometime within the next ten to fifteen years. A lot of work for a fake piece of history, if you ask us.
AVOID
STONADOS CAN HAPPEN without warning. One minute it could be raining; the next the sun is shining. It’s almost like living in Colorado.
• Always carry a barometer. The barometric pressure changes rapidly just before a stonado forms. With a barometer, you can at least have a heads-up. While a high-end model like the Digiquartz Portable Model 765 barometric-pressure sensor might be out of your price range, more basic models are available on the cheap.
• Buy full-coverage auto insurance. If your car is parked outside during a stonado, it’s going to get a few dings in the roof. In fact, you’d be lucky to still have a roof. Full-coverage insurance will protect your ride from stonados and other unnatural disasters.
SURVIVE
IS A FUNNEL beginning to form overhead? Your survival depends upon how fast you can move. Even if you’ve got seats on the Green Monster for game seven of the American League playoffs against the Yankees, get to safety. Don’t wait around to see if the game will be called.
• Stay away from the unstable frozen rocks. If one lands near you, hustle in the other direction. It’s a ticking time bomb. It may be seconds or hours before it goes off—but when it does, you’ll want to be at least twenty yards away. If it explodes behind you, leap in the air and make a dramatic movie-star landing.
• Do we even have to say it? Get inside! While stonado rocks aren’t traveling as fast as meteorites, they’re still going to smash through your North Face jacket. Get to the lowest floor of your building or the nearest stonado shelter.
STONEHENGE APOCALYPSE
VITALS
ALSO KNOWN AS: The New Dawn • FIRST OBSERVED: Wiltshire, England (2010) • EST. MAX. SPEED: N/A • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Anyone Who Doesn’t Join the New Dawn Doomsday Cult • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:
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IF YOU THINK STONEHENGE IS JUST A QUIRKY COLLECTION of upright rocks, think again. Some scientists believe that the iconic obelisks are part of an ancient terraforming (“Earth-shaping”) device that made the planet habitable for the first single-celled organisms. If activated today, however, Stonehenge would revert the Earth back to its earliest state through a series of supervolcanoes, earthquakes, and colossal floods.
STUDY
IN 2010, MEMBERS of the New Dawn doomsday cult foolishly turned Stonehenge on, beginning the terraforming process. “Civilization is a failed experiment,” says one cult member, who asked his name be withheld. “If Stonehenge had been allowed to continue its mission, the air would be clean. The water would be fresh. It would have been a New Dawn.”
Simultaneous volcanic eruptions and flooding in Mexico, Egypt, and Indonesia killed millions. With the clock ticking, The Real Story talk radio host Jacob Glaser managed to best the doomsday cult and shut Stonehenge down using the Antikythera mechanism. “It’s the key that can turn Stonehenge on and off,” explains the cult member. “I wish we had made a copy.”
While we know the purpose of the megaliths, who built them is still a mystery. Noted astrobiologist Nigel St. Hubbins believes he knows the answer. “A strange alien race known as druids created Stonehenge,” he says. “They’re long gone, but their legacy remains—at least at renaissance fairs.”