How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters

by Andrew Shaffer

  • Respect alligators. They’re at the top of the food chain. They keep local animal populations under check in the areas they patrol. As long as we stay out of their way, we shouldn’t have any problems with them. Say it out loud: R-E-S-P-E-C-T A-L-L-I-G-A-T-O-R-S.

  • Don’t disrupt Mother Nature’s food chain. Mankind has a long history of upsetting nature’s way of doing things. Even trying to do the right thing can have unintended consequences. Don’t release invasive pythons into the Everglades. And whatever you do, don’t feed HGH- and steroid-infused chickens to alligators.

  Choosing the Right Weapon

  So you’ve decided to step your game up and play offense instead of defense. Whether you’re battling gatoroids or piranhacondas, we applaud your moxie. Here’s a quick rundown of some of the most popular tools of the trade for would-be heroes.

  Dynamite

  When it comes to fighting monsters, dynamite is the weapon du jour. It’s extremely effective, as O’Hara proved when she used it to rid the Everglades of gatoroids. It’s also incredibly dangerous. Dynamite grows unstable over time. An old stick is as liable to explode in your hand as it is to detonate in a gatoroid’s mouth.

  Firearms

  There are as many different makes and models of guns as there are unnatural threats. Finding the right gun for the right monster can be tricky. Shotguns work well against arachnoquake spiders, while nothing short of a semiautomatic rifle will take down a redneck gator. Train with a variety of firearms to be on the safe side.

  Harpoon Guns

  Sometimes, the best weapon is simply whatever’s closest. When you’re on a boat, that would be a harpoon gun (either deck-mounted or handheld). Harpoon guns have proven effective against dinosharks and pteracudas.

  Chainsaws

  If it can cut through a tree, it can cut through a monster. Some decry chainsaws as impractical. “The average chainsaw weighs ten pounds, compared to a two-pound machete,” undead scholar Max Brooks writes in The Zombie Survival Guide. “Why increase the chances of exhaustion?” Because chainsaws look and sound awesome. That’s why.

  WEIRD SCIENCE

  Why don’t athletes who “juice” grow to the size of buildings like the gatoroids do? Authorities believe that, in addition to HGH and anabolic steroids, O’Hara fed the gatoroids an as-yet-unknown drug. Tests administered on the gatoroids by the US Anti-Doping Agency showed traces of a growth hormone unlike anything else for sale on the black market. Authorities are still searching for the supplier. Sports pundits are already calling for asterisks in the record books. “We’re living in the Gatoroid Era,” Sports Annotated columnist Skippy Bane says.

  SURVIVE

  IF A GATOROID wanders into your backyard, let it be. You can’t hurt it with that little peashooter you call a rifle, and you’d be crazy to use dynamite so close to your own house (see the sidebar, “Choosing the Right Weapon”). What happens if you run into a gatoroid in the wild?

  • Use knowledge of a gatoroid’s anatomy to your advantage. Alligators can only see side to side. If you’re in a car or on foot, back away from the beast in a straight line. If a mega python corpse blocks your path (as is so often the case), charge forward underneath the gatoroid’s belly and pray that it doesn’t have a full bladder.

  • Take cover indoors or under a large object. Gatoroids are used to feasting on mega pythons. Humans are quite small by comparison. If a gatoroid has to exert too much energy looking for you, it will move on. How much work would you do for an M&M that dropped between your couch cushions?

  From the Kitchen of Diego Ortiz

  Fried Gatoroid

  Why I Love This Recipe: As a world-renowned herpetologist, I’ve studied a lot of reptiles. Gatoroids are among the most unique. They’re the deadliest and most destructive. They’re also the best-tasting. It might have something to do with the performance-enhancing drugs saturating their muscles. Don’t worry—they’re far less toxic than your average factory-farmed chicken breast. As long as you fully cook gatoroid meat, the worst side effect you’ll experience is a full stomach.

  Ingredients: 2 lbs. boneless gatoroid meat (tail cuts preferred), 1 tbsp. salt, 1 tsp. ground black pepper, 2 cups all-purpose flour, 2 cups buttermilk, 2 cups hot sauce, cooking oil

  1. Cut gatoroid meat into 1″–2″ cubes and season with salt and pepper.

  2. Combine gatoroid cubes and flour in a plastic bag and shake until coated. Set bag aside.

  3. Mix buttermilk and hot sauce in a bowl and dip the gatoroid chunks.

  4. Using the plastic bag again, recoat gatoroid chunks in flour.

  5. Heat cooking oil in sauté pan over medium-high heat to 375°F.

  6. Fry for 3–5 minutes or until golden brown. Flip and cook for an additional 2–4 minutes.

  7. Drain on paper towels and let rest 5 minutes.

  8. Serve w/ ranch dressing or your favorite dipping sauce. See you later, alligator!

  GHOST SHARK

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Poltershark • FIRST OBSERVED: Smallport, Florida (2013) • EST. MAX. SPEED: N/A (Teleports) • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Kids Wading in Creeks, Kids Playing near Busted Fire Hydrants, Kids Doing Cannonballs into Pools • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Water • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  GHOST SHARKS CAN MATERIALIZE ANYWHERE there’s water, from your backyard pool to a car wash. They can hurt you, but you can’t hurt them. Sounds unfair, doesn’t it? Too bad. Ghost sharks don’t care what you think. They don’t have functioning digestive tracts, either, which means their appetites are insatiable. They keep killing until stopped. Theoretically, a single ghost shark could wipe out more than just the small beachside community that antagonized it. It could wipe out all of humanity.

  STUDY

  IN THE SEVENTEENTH century, a plague tore through a Spanish American settlement near the site of present-day Smallport, Florida. The infected were rounded up, transported to a cave during low tide, and executed. Soon after the murders, the angry dead rose up and ravaged the town. According to a diary dating back to this time, “Anyone who dies in the cave violently will rise again.”

  Anyone … and anything, as Smallport residents discovered in 2013 when a fisherman hooked a massive great white. Normally, such a rare catch would be cause for celebration. However, the shark swallowed the amberjack already on the fisherman’s line, costing him the $30,000 top prize in a fishing tournament. The fisherman and his daughter decided to cause the shark $30,000 worth of pain. They shot it in the face, poured hot sauce in its eyes, and dropped a live grenade into its mouth. The wounded shark floated into the aforementioned underwater cave and finally died … only to return in spirit form. Apparently, the curse was real. You can’t make this stuff up. The ghost shark attacked its killers, rendering them a bloody mess.

  Unfortunately for the sleepy resort town of Smallport, the ghost shark’s quest for vengeance did not stop there. It sought revenge on the entire town. The angry spirit used water as a conduit to teleport around Smallport, devouring innocent men, women, and children.

  “When my friends and I learned of the magical cave, we knew it had to be the key to stopping the ghost shark,” says Ava Reid, a high-schooler wise beyond her years. With the help of local drunk and lighthouse aficionado Darnell Finch, the teen dynamited the cave, ending the ghost shark’s reign of terror. “For a minute, I was in seventh heaven. Then it sank in that the ghost shark had killed most of my friends. It killed my father. Could the cave have somehow brought them back to life? Destroying the cave was a double-edged sword.”

  Ghost-Hunting Tips

  If the ghost shark is linked to a talisman, you may need to hunt the creature as you would any other ghost. That’s not going to be as simple as blowing up a cave. Ghost hunting is demanding work. Make things a little easier with these helpful tips.

  • Never hunt alone. Carry walkie-talkies or cell phones in case you’re split up.

  • Don’t trespass on private property. While a g
host shark can cut you in two, so can the buckshot from a nervous homeowner.

  • Wear comfortable shoes. They will come in handy when chasing after (or, let’s be honest, running from) a ghost shark.

  • Record the time and place of encounters. Nine out of ten times, ghost sharks are just teleporting around at random. But you never know. You may be able to establish a pattern and predict where the ghost shark will strike next.

  • Don’t smoke. Cigarette smoke may be mistaken for poltergeist activity, especially in the dark. Keep the air clear.

  • Don’t wear perfume or cologne. Some ghost hunters have reported unusual smells emanating before paranormal manifestations, and perfume or cologne may mask these scents. However, you’ll still want to wear underarm deodorant—ghost shark hunting is a damn sweaty business.

  What happens once you’ve cornered a ghost shark? It all depends on the enchanted talisman you’re carrying. Most talismans come with step-by-step instructions for banishing ghost sharks from the mortal realm. Granted, they’re usually tougher to decipher than the instructions for putting together Ikea bookshelves, but you’ll eventually figure them out. If you picked your talisman up secondhand, the instructions may be missing. Try throwing it at the ghost shark, maybe?

  Source: G.H.O.S.T. (Ghost Hunters Ohio Search Team).

  AVOID

  IT’S ANYONE’S GUESS as to how many more mystical caves are out there. In the meantime, avoid all water, including:

  • Lakes, rivers, and creeks

  • Toilets, bath tubs, and sinks

  • Drinking fountains

  • Garden hoses and sprinklers

  • Slip ’N Slides

  • Pools (both in-ground and aboveground)

  • Your pet’s water bowl

  • Bottled water

  Replace all water in your life with alcohol. Ghost sharks won’t materialize if you’re washing your hair with Bud Light and brushing your teeth with vodka.

  WEIRD SCIENCE

  Despite the prevalence of human spirits walking around in this plane, ghost animals are rare. With the mass of animals slaughtered every day for the food supply, why aren’t farms overrun with haunted hogs? Paranormal investigators are divided on the reasons more ghost animals aren’t reported. One belief is that only “intelligent species” have souls, and that dimwitted animals such as chickens are inherently soulless. Delicious, but soulless. Others believe that animal spirits aren’t capable of being trapped on Earth—the “all dogs go to heaven” theory.

  SURVIVE

  SURVIVORS OF GHOST shark attacks are about as rare as the creatures themselves. So what can you do?

  1. Go on the offensive. Be the hero. Someone needs to stop the ghost shark. Why not you? And please don’t suggest calling the Ghostbusters. They haven’t answered the phone since 1989.

  2. Forget everything you know about hunting sharks. Everyone knows how to hunt a great white. You toss chum overboard to attract the shark, cram a scuba tank between its jaws, and shoot the tank. Unfortunately, ghost sharks aren’t so easily defeated. There’s no way to blow up something that doesn’t have a physical body.

  3. Destroy the ghost shark’s enchanted cave. We suggest finding a qualified demolition expert to handle this task.

  NOTE: If the ghost shark is tied to an enchanted talisman instead of a cave, DO NOT destroy the magical object. See the “Ghost-Hunting Tips” sidebar for assistance.

  PIRANHACONDA

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: River Demon • FIRST OBSERVED: Kauai, Hawaii (2012) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 10 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Birdwatchers, B-movie Actors • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: Hawaii • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  WITH THE HEAD OF A PIRANHA AND THE body of an anaconda, the piranhaconda is part snake, part fish, and all killing machine. Piranhacondas measure over 150 feet long—five times the size of the largest green anacondas. While their mouths are large enough to swallow prey whole, they prefer to use their dagger-like teeth to tear victims into smaller pieces first. Piranhacondas may not be lightning-quick, but they don’t have to be. They just have to be faster than their prey (i.e., you).

  STUDY

  THE HAWAIIAN ISLAND of Kauai is a birdwatching paradise, featuring endangered species such as the Hawaiian gallinule and red-footed booby. However, birders aren’t the only ones flocking to Kauai for its avian attractions. Snakes love to feed on birds. In 2012, University of Hawaii professor of herpetology Dr. Bud Lovegrove discovered a new hybrid species of snake in Kauai—the monstrous piranhaconda. “I found dozens of giant eggs in the jungle, and did what any man of science would do in my position—I snatched one and busted ass,” he says.

  The proud parents went on a rampage, killing two dozen people while looking for Dr. Lovegrove and the stolen egg. B-movie actress Kimmy Weston (Hillbilly Hostage) and director Milo Christ (Head Chopper) were among those killed. Dr. Lovegrove lost an ear to a piranhaconda before a stuntman from the Milo Christ production dynamited the snakes to oblivion.

  Was the egg—lost in the melee—worth the bloodshed? “There are six billion Homo sapiens on the planet,” Dr. Lovegrove says. “Biologically speaking, we’re a cheap commodity. The egg was a priceless evolutionary specimen.”

  AVOID

  AFTER LOVEGROVE RECOVERED and examined the piranhaconda corpses, he discovered they were both male. This means a third piranhaconda is still out there somewhere. With no eggs to care for, it may have left the island to find a new mate. It could be in Asia, South America, or your backyard.

  • Don’t wander off into the jungle alone. Also, don’t tell your friends you’ll “be right back.” That’s just asking to be mauled ironically.

  • Thou shalt not steal. Despite living in close proximity to human populations, the piranhaconda in Kauai did not attack anyone until one of its eggs was stolen. If you venture into a nest of football-sized eggs on your next tropical expedition, leave them as you found them.

  SURVIVE

  PIRANHACONDAS ARE NOTORIOUSLY well camouflaged. Stumble across one by accident? You’re not dead—yet.

  • Stop what you’re doing. If the piranhaconda hasn’t spotted you, freeze. Piranhacondas rely heavily on movement to find prey. Your ringing cell phone won’t give away your position, but answering it might. We’re sure your significant other will understand.

  • Play hide-and-seek. Finding someplace to hide won’t be easy. Piranhacondas excel at this old children’s game. Your options for shelter will be limited in the jungle. If you can make it to a car or helicopter, great. Avoid jumping into a body of water—piranhacondas weren’t dubbed “river demons” on a whim.

  • Toss a grenade or stick of lit dynamite into its mouth. Firearms will not penetrate the piranhaconda’s thick skin, so the most vulnerable location to attack is its mouth. Unfortunately, an open mouth usually indicates the creature is seconds away from chomping down on you—at which point it’s too late. We suppose you could pretend to yawn, and see if the piranhaconda opens its mouth at a safe distance. Yawning is contagious, right?

  WEIRD SCIENCE

  Could a piranhaconda survive a trip across the Pacific Ocean? The answer—it’s not a comforting one for anyone in Asia or on the west coast of the Americas—is yes. While piranhas are freshwater fish, piranhacondas have respiratory systems like anacondas and other snakes. In other words, they breathe air. If a human being can survive in the open water, a piranhaconda could do the same.

  PTERACUDA

  VITALS

  ALSO KNOWN AS: Barradactyl • FIRST OBSERVED: Mexico (2011) • EST. MAX. SPEED: 300 mph • HIGH-RISK GROUPS: Sharktopi, Tourists • LOOK OUT FOR IT IN: All Environments • THREAT TO HUMANITY: • RISK OF ENCOUNTER: • FIN’S WTF FACTOR:

  BIOWEAPONS ENGINEERS MASHED UP PTERODACTYL and barracuda DNA to create the hideous pteracuda. Its sleek, torpedo-shaped body makes it fast in the water and in the air. Its large, batlike wings aren’t just for flight—the pteracuda can also use them to c
reate thunderclaps strong enough to knock you off your feet. It will then use its long tail to whip you into submission before moving in for the kill with its sharp talons.

  STUDY

  FROM HORSES TO dragons, humanity has long been using animals in warfare. As genetic engineering progressed, it was only natural (or unnatural?) that governments would use it to gain a competitive advantage on the world stage. “Some of the previous bioweapons experiments have been disastrous. But so have all of my previous marriages,” Dr. Rico Symes, creator of the pteracuda, was overheard saying. “You want to make it in this business, you have to take risks.”

  The risk did not pay off. The pteracuda broke free on a training run in Mexican waters, attacking boaters and beachgoers along the coast. To stop the creature, Dr. Symes programmed a sharktopus (see SHARKTOPUS) with a single directive: Seek and destroy the rogue pteracuda. Dr. Symes also had a backup plan: mercenary Kirk “Ham” Hammerstein.

  As the pteracuda and sharktopus battled each other for supremacy of the seas, Hammerstein rigged a harpoon gun with an explosive charge. While the two genetic freaks were locked in combat, Ham fired the harpoon into the pteracuda’s abdomen. The sharktopus dragged the pteracuda underwater, where the charge went off. The explosion rocked Ham’s boat, and the water went red. While both creatures are presumed to have died in the clash, the sharktopus’s body has never been recovered.