How to Survive a Sharknado and Other Unnatural Disasters

by Andrew Shaffer

  She could see the space station a mile away. If she could reach it, she could dock and forget this whole mess. Unfortunately, that would never happen. As Sandy orbited the Earth toward the station, the station drifted in its own orbit. Instead of getting closer, it was getting farther out of reach.

  Something brushed against her leg. She glanced down just in time to see an enormous great white passing by. Ignoring her. It moved fast, and soon it was a speck in the distance. That was a close call. Too close. Suddenly, the great white appeared to grow larger. Was it … doubling back around? Impossible! There was no way a shark could navigate in space. Not even a genetically modified shark. It went against every scientific principle she knew.

  But her eyes weren’t lying.

  The creature had somehow reversed course.

  It swam past her again, at arm’s length this time. Close enough to see its eyes were blacker than space. It had been testing her earlier to see if she was edible. Now it was circling her. Soon, it would move in for the kill.

  Surviving the meteor storm wasn’t a miracle; it was a curse. She wouldn’t need to stretch out her oxygen after all. She closed her eyes and drew another deep breath. “Don’t give up hope,” she told herself. “There’s always hope.”

  A lie. Hope was just another four-letter word.

  Sandy exhaled, long and slow. She opened her eyes. That’s when she saw it. Her savior, floating within arm’s reach.

  The chainsaw.

  A Whale of a Bad Time: A Story of Survival

  by Wilma Summers (Excerpt)

  WILMA SUMMERS AND her husband Doug were on the disastrous 2008 Regal Islands International cruise that caused the Glacier Bay whalestrom (see WHALESTROM). In this excerpt from her 2012 memoir, Summers describes the hellish conditions the passengers endured.

  BEFORE WE BOUGHT our tickets, I read a review of the Regal Jewel where this woman called it a “prison ship.” I laughed. Though we’d never traveled with Regal Islands, Doug and I were veterans of the cruise scene. We’d been cruising for almost thirty years. In my experience, there are two types of people in this world: those who love to cruise, and those who love to complain when any little thing goes wrong. I think our granddaughter calls them “haters.”

  Flash-forward six months to our vacation aboard the alleged “prison ship,” the Regal Jewel. Imagine our surprise when we learned the reviewer wasn’t exaggerating!

  Our ocean-facing room’s porthole gave us an excellent view … of the lifeboats. The only time we could actually see the water from our “ocean view” room was during the whalestrom, after the crew lowered the lifeboats into the water.

  The buffet was lousy. By the second day of the cruise, people were getting sick all over the place. I think it was the coconut shrimp. I didn’t have any, but poor Doug! He threw up over the railing and onto one of the lower balconies. Then people on that balcony threw up onto the one below, and so on for seven levels. It was just awful. It’s a miracle anyone even lived long enough to be killed by the whales.

  After the ship began sinking, packs of children started running through the hallways at all hours of the night. Who was watching them? No one. It was like Lord of the Flies. I swear I saw a kid walking around with a pig head on a stick! Where were their parents? Some were dead, but surely not all of them.

  And don’t get me started on the evening entertainment. I’m sorry, but isn’t “entertainment” supposed to be “entertaining”? One comedian ended his act with a ten-minute whoopee cushion routine. To my ever-loving horror, people actually laughed at this. The only time I laughed at him was when he fell overboard, and that was just because of the way he was swinging his arms. You probably had to be there.

  FILMOGRAPHY

  HOLLYWOOD HAS DRAMATIZED many of the unnatural threats documented in this book. Here is a partial list of movies, originally broadcast on Syfy. Most are now available on Blu-ray, DVD, and digital download/streaming. Thank you to Thomas Vitale, Chris Regina, and the Syfy Original Movies team for sharing these stories of mayhem and bravery—so that we, too, might learn how to become everyday heroes.

  Arachnoquake. Dir. Griff Furst. Syfy Pictures/Active Entertainment, 2012.

  Basilisk: The Serpent King. Dir. Stephen Furst. Syfy Pictures, 2006.

  Bigfoot. Dir. Bruce Davison. Syfy Pictures/The Asylum, 2012.

  Dinoshark. Dir. Kevin O’Neill. Syfy Pictures/New Horizons Picture, 2010.

  Ghost Shark. Dir. Griff Furst. Syfy Pictures/Active Entertainment, 2013.

  Ice Twisters. Dir. Steven R. Monroe. Syfy Pictures/Cinetel Films/Ice Twisters Productions/Insight Film Studios, 2009.

  Manticore. Dir. Tripp Reed. Syfy Pictures/Unified Film Organization/Secure Productions, 2005.

  Mega Python vs. Gatoroid. Dir. Mary Lambert. Syfy Pictures/The Asylum, 2011.

  Meteor Storm. Dir. Tibor Takács. Syfy Pictures/Unity Pictures, 2010.

  Mongolian Death Worm. Dir. Steven R. Monroe. Syfy Pictures/Black Chrome Productions/Sweet Tater, 2010.

  NYC: Tornado Terror. Dir. Tibor Takács. Syfy Pictures/Fast Productions Ltd./Fast (Tornado) Productions, 2008.

  Piranhaconda. Dir. Jim Wynorski. Syfy Pictures/New Horizons Picture, 2012.

  Polar Storm. Dir. Paul Ziller. Syfy Pictures/Cinetel Films/Insight Film Studios, 2009.

  Ragin’ Cajun Redneck Gators. Dir. Griff Furst. Syfy Pictures/Active Entertainment, 2013.

  Robocroc. Dir. Arthur Sinclair. Syfy Pictures/UFO International, 2013.

  Rock Monster. Dir. Declan O’Brien. Syfy Pictures/RM Productions, 2008.

  Sharknado. Dir. Anthony C. Ferrante. Syfy Pictures/The Asylum/Southward Films, 2013.

  Sharktopus. Dir. Declan O’Brien. Syfy Pictures/New Horizons Picture, 2010.

  Sharktopus vs. Pteracuda. Dir. Kevin O’Neill. Syfy Pictures/New Horizons Picture, 2014.

  Stonados. Dir. Jason Bourque. Syfy Pictures/Two 4 The Money Media, 2013.

  Stonehenge Apocalypse. Dir. Paul Ziller. Syfy Pictures/Cinetel Films/Reel One Pictures/Movie Central Network/The Movie Network/Super Ecran/SA Films, 2010.

  Swamp Shark. Dir. Griff Furst. Syfy Pictures/Bullet Films, 2011.

  Swamp Volcano. Dir. Todor Chapkanov. Syfy Pictures/Bullet Films, 2011.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  ANDREW SHAFFER is a humorist and author whose works include Literary Rogues, Great Philosophers Who Failed at Love, and Fifty Shames of Earl Grey. He has appeared as a guest on FOX News, CBS, and NPR, and has been published in Mental Floss, Maxim, and The Daily Beast, among others. You can find him online at www.andrewshaffer.com.

  FINLEY “FIN” SHEPARD is a former champion surfer. He lives in Los Angeles, and loves both of his children equally.

  APRIL WEXLER is a sharknado survivor.