He Gets That from Me

by Jacqueline Friedland

He’s right. Of course he is. But my chest tightens as I think of what Kai will feel. I wish I could sit in that meeting for him. I would do any number of highly unpleasant tasks in lieu of sending him into that room on his own tomorrow.

  Lorraine is back. “That’s it,” she says, and motions for us to head back toward the elevators. “Tom’s going to call me later to firm up the details on timing and so on, but we will see you in the morning at my office.”

  “Will there be rules?” I ask. “Things they can and can’t ask, so Kai doesn’t get upset?”

  Chip and Lorraine glance at each other before Lorraine looks back at me and puts a conciliatory hand on my forearm. “I think you have to let them ask their questions. If you really want to get this matter put to bed.”

  Chip nods, and I know they’re probably right.

  I don’t argue. The goal is to keep our son with our family. This will hardly be the first time I’ve had to sit on pins and needles waiting to find out if I get to be a dad.

  At dinner that night, Chip does as I’ve asked and tells Kai about the meeting tomorrow. I was worried that if I started the conversation, I’d get awkward, like I do, and it might be a tip-off that the stakes are higher than we’re letting on.

  “Kai’s going to be a little late to school tomorrow,” Chip begins, addressing Teddy rather than Kai. He has just enough regret in his voice to create the impression that he’s nearly apologizing to Teddy for whatever Kai will get to do.

  “Why?” Kai asks, looking up from his baked ziti.

  “Maggie and Nick Wingate are in town—”

  “No fair,” Teddy says. “Can’t I go late, too? I have Latin first period.” He makes a gagging face.

  Chip rolls his eyes good-naturedly at Teddy and continues to explain that Nick and Maggie want to have a conversation with Kai, give him a chance to get to know them, so he can decide if he wants to have a relationship with them going forward. It’s not exactly what Chip and I discussed as the cover story, but I suppose it’s close enough.

  “Okay,” Kai says easily. I catch a glint of something in his eye, which I think is excitement at the opportunity to spend time with his birth parents. I try not to feel the sting of that. “Will Wyatt be there?”

  “Not this time,” I say, “but I’m sure you could ask to see him in the future. If you want.”

  Kai glances at Teddy. “Maybe,” he says noncommittally.

  Chip hasn’t mentioned anything about us not being in the room when they talk, but maybe that’s the right call, downplaying it like this. When we finish dinner, it’s Kai’s turn to do the dishes, so I follow Teddy back to his room.

  “Latin’s really not your favorite, huh?” I ask as he sits at his small desk and opens a science textbook.

  “I don’t understand why they make the whole sixth grade take it,” he says. “I mean, when am I ever going to use it? It’s not even a real language anymore.”

  Rather than engage on the topic of useful middle school courses and the importance of word roots in building new vocabulary, I change the subject. “Are you doing okay?” I stare him down a little in an attempt to convey that he can’t hide his feelings from me. When he shrugs in response and turns his face toward the homework on his desk, I push. “I’ll wait, you know.”

  “There’s more, isn’t there?” he asks. “About why Kai has to meet with those people tomorrow morning?”

  I can’t come clean to Teddy without risking that he’ll say something to Kai.

  “Not really.” I shrug, trying to appear casual, like it’s no big deal, like the fate of our family isn’t hanging in the balance.

  “I wish we never did that Relativity test.” He looks at me almost hopefully, like there’s anything I could possibly do to make this all go away, to allow us to un-know everything we’ve learned since taking those DNA tests at the beginning of the summer.

  “I know, sweetie. Me, too.”

  “Not Kai, though,” Teddy says.

  “What do you mean?” I’m unsure of the point he is making.

  “Kai’s all excited,” he says, “knowing about his birth parents, his real brother.” He makes little jazz hands, underscoring Kai’s excitement, or his own agitation.

  “He’s allowed to be excited,” I say.

  “I guess.” Teddy shrugs, sounding very far from actual agreement. “He doesn’t see any of the bad stuff that could come from this, though. He only sees all the good possibilities.”

  I should probably ask what Teddy means by “bad stuff,” but I’m not sure I have the strength to handle any of the answers right now.

  “Well maybe the rest of us should take a lesson from him on that, don’t you think?” I ask. “It’s nice to see him looking for the positives in a situation, and we should try to do the same.” If only I could follow my own advice and see anything other than the potential for disaster.

  Chapter 31

  MAGGIE

  SEPTEMBER 2018

  I wish their lawyer didn’t have to be in the room. It makes everything about this conversation feel so contrived, the way she’s stationed at one end of the lengthy conference table, observing Nick and me, as we sit with Kai at the other. If she’s trying to intimidate me with her rigid posture and her crisp black skirt suit, well, it’s working.

  Nick and I are both dressed more casually because we wanted to come across to Kai as approachable. Nick’s in his standard uniform of dark jeans and a solid black T-shirt, and I’m wearing wide-leg linen pants with a fitted white T-shirt. The lawyer’s whole ballbuster routine has me so busy wondering if she’s making mental notes about everything we’re saying and doing wrong—tidbits she’ll use against us in court—that I’m having trouble focusing on the conversation with Kai. Luckily, Nick seems to be especially on top of his game today.

  Kai just finished telling us about how all the kids in fifth grade had to choose an instrument to play during school last year. Kai chose the trombone, and it was a debacle because he could barely carry the thing. Well, any band teacher worth his or her stripes should have told him to choose an instrument more suited to his smaller size.

  Nick chuckles lightly, smooth as ever. “So that’s it?” he asks. “Music is over for you?” His cell phone begins ringing, and he reaches a hand into his pocket to silence it.

  “Yeah, I guess it’s just never been my thing,” Kai says as he fiddles with a rope bracelet on his wrist. Wyatt never gravitated toward music either, but for some reason, the lack of musical inclination is more of a disappointment to me coming from Kai. At least I had an opportunity to work with Wyatt, to explain the joy of music from my perspective. Or maybe I’m still looking for evidence of a connection to this boy, some pastime we both enjoy, a link beyond the physical. I open my mouth to ask another question about the trombone, but Nick’s already changing the subject.

  “What about cooking?” he asks. “Is that something you ever do?”

  Kai smiles and nods, his round cheeks pinking up. “Teddy and I bake almost every Saturday night. When our dads go out, Gemma, our babysitter, helps us. We make brownies or cookies for them to have when they get home.”

  “Lucky guys,” Nick says, and he’s smiling even with his eyes.

  “Do they go out a lot?” I ask, wondering how much time Kai spends with sitters. I glance over at the lawyer as I finish the question, her pen poised in midair.

  “Usually only Saturdays,” Kai says, “and not if there’s something special going on with my brother or me. Teddy,” he clarifies before turning his attention back to the worn bracelet on his wrist.

  “So, what are some of your favorite things to do together when your dads don’t go out?” Nick asks. “Or when you’re all together?”

  Kai thinks silently for a moment and then perks up. “They took us kayaking on the Hudson River a couple of months ago,” he offers with a slight shrug. “That was pretty cool.”

  “Cool indeed,” I say, happy to hear that Kai has the opportunity to enjoy some outdoorsy activities d
espite being a city kid. “There are some pretty awesome places to go kayaking in Arizona, too, near where we live.” I glance at Nick, who smiles back at me as though we’re the happiest couple you’ve ever stumbled upon.

  I turn back to Kai, getting excited to tell him more about Sedona, but something in his face has changed, making his features suddenly slack. I can’t figure what is causing the sudden fear I see in his eyes, and rather than put him on the spot to question him, I keep talking.

  “There are a lot of places to hike out by us, too. People travel to Sedona from all over the world to hike some of the trails our town offers. I don’t know if you’ve heard of the red rocks, but the scenery is just amazing—colors you wouldn’t believe unless you saw them with your own eyes.”

  Kai looks even less relaxed as I ramble on, his eyes darting furiously from side to side, as though he’s looking for escape.

  “Is something wrong?” I finally ask, realizing how little I know about this boy.

  “Teddy said you guys were going to try to make me go live with you. I didn’t believe him before.” It’s an accusation.

  “I’m sorry,” Lorraine announces from across the table. “We’re going to have to change the topic.”

  Kai looks from Lorraine to us and back to Lorraine again, and his face drains of color.

  “It’s okay,” I say to Kai, “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

  He nods, but his breathing is becoming shallow. He’s making these audible huffs that are increasing in speed, as if he’s been exerting himself.

  “Why don’t you tell us about camp?” Nick says, trying to move our conversation back to the easier place it was in before. “Maggie’s been working at a summer camp,” he says, “so I’m sure she’d love to compare notes with you.”

  I feel him look over at me, but my attention is still on Kai, who’s really starting to huff and puff.

  “Kai, do you have asthma?” I ask, my concern growing.

  He shakes his head quickly, but he has a frantic look about him.

  “Okay—can you slow down, then? Just take a deep breath?” I reach out to touch his leg, but then I think the better of it and draw my hand back before we make contact.

  His eyes seem to lose focus as he shakes his head again and pushes his chair out from the table so he can drop his head between his knees.

  Now Lorraine is on her feet, and she and I are talking over each other, trying to help Kai.

  “Kai, it’s all right,” she says, rubbing a hand on his back. “Everybody who’s here is just looking out for your best interests.”

  But now Kai’s breaths are coming in these raspy gulps that sound like whooping cough, like suffocation.

  “It’s asthma!” I shout to Nick over the sound of Kai’s wheezing. “He can’t breathe!”

  Nick shoots out of his chair and runs from the room. A moment later, Donovan is there.

  “Kai!” Donovan says, crouching beside Kai and putting a hand on his leg. “Kai,” he repeats it, calmer this time, like he has all the time in the world. “I’m here, buddy. Let’s find a focus object, okay?”

  Kai just keeps on gasping for air, his head still folded into his lap.

  “I see a tree,” Donovan says, and Nick and I share a confused glance. Donovan is looking at a potted plant in the corner of the room. “It’s a green leafy thing,” he says. “In a tall white pot.” He’s speaking slowly, calmly, and to my surprise, Kai’s breathing sounds like it may be slowing down slightly. “The pot has some interesting etchings on it.” He waits a moment. “They’re like geometric shapes.” He pauses again. “Can you look for me?”

  Kai lifts his head and looks at Donovan. He’s still panting, his eyes wide, stunned. But then his gaze lands on the plant.

  “Good,” Donovan says. “Do you see the plant?”

  Kai nods as his rasping begins to abate.

  “Do you see the pot?”

  He nods again.

  “The etchings?”

  He nods one more time, quieting a little more.

  “I find that shape appealing,” Donovan’s voice is smooth, unhurried. “It reminds me of geometry.”

  We all wait as Kai stares at the pot. He seems to be catching his breath, slowing down in increments. “They’re hexagons,” he finally says, and his breathing sounds almost normal.

  “Yes,” Donovan says, leaning down to kiss the top of Kai’s head. “Yes, they are.”

  Kai keeps his eyes focused on the plant while Donovan looks up at Nick and me.

  “Maybe we should call it a day?” His voice is bland, but his eyes are firm.

  “Of course,” I answer, still reeling from the fright of watching Kai struggle for air.

  The attorney is there suddenly, standing between us, pushing Donovan out of the room. “You and Kai go ahead,” she tells him. “Get some lunch or something. We’ll finish up here. Don’t worry about us.” She sounds more chipper than she has all morning, and I understand that she’s just putting on a show for Kai.

  As soon as the door has closed behind Kai, she turns back toward Nick and me, all traces of smiles absent. She raises her eyebrows at the two of us before finally speaking.

  “Best interests of the child? I don’t think so.”

  Chapter 32

  DONOVAN

  SEPTEMBER 2018

  Kai and I are in the backseat of a taxi heading toward the middle school before I say anything about what happened in that conference room. To Nick and Maggie’s credit, at least they didn’t complain about ending the meeting early. I’m sure they can’t stay in New York indefinitely to wait for another chance to talk, so this was a subpar outcome for them.

  “You want to talk about it?” I take a chance with the question, knowing that sometimes he prefers to process for a while before talking with me about whatever might have made him anxious. He often seems more comfortable having time alone with Teddy when he needs to regroup, but Teddy is at school right now, probably still suffering through a lecture about prefixes in Latin class.

  Kai’s looking out the window, watching the crowded streets of midtown, as our cab hurtles from one traffic light to the next. He doesn’t turn toward me as he shakes his head.

  I let out a long breath as I try to choose my words properly. “We don’t have to. I just want to apologize, that’s all,” I tell him. Now he looks over at me to listen. “You seemed so relaxed about all of this—excited, even. I should have realized that you run deeper, that you were churning through scenarios all on your own.” We’re both quiet for a moment before I add, “You don’t always have to try to put on a brave face for Dad and me. You’re not even eleven years old yet. You’re allowed to have feelings. And fears.”

  His eyes begin to glisten, as though he’s about to cry, but no tears fall.

  “We’re all just doing our best to get through this. It’s okay.” I rub my hand between his shoulders in concentric circles.

  He turns back toward the window, but I also feel him relax into my touch. “I didn’t want to make it worse for you and Dad,” he says without turning to face me. “I thought if I just seemed excited about everything, then you’d be happy for me instead of scared.”

  “But why—”

  Kai whips around to face me. “They want to take me back, don’t they?” His eyes are wide. “To make me live with them in Arizona. That’s why they’re here, why they wanted to meet with me?”

  “Did Teddy tell you that?” I ask, wondering if Kai’s known all along.

  “That day when you picked us up from Grandma and Gramps’s, when Dad called and cursed on the phone.” He swallows hard as he finishes.

  I suppose the ruse is up. There’s no reason to continue trying to protect him from what he already knows, so I say, “You’re right that they want you. Who wouldn’t? How could you blame them, right? But the fact that they made a mistake when they gave you to us ten years ago doesn’t mean we have to give you back now. Family is about so much more than blood and DNA, and we are doing
everything we can to make them understand that.”

  “I don’t want to live with them.”

  I slide closer to him on the worn seat of the cab and pull him toward me so that we’re shoulder to shoulder. I rest my head down against his in solidarity as I try to think of something comforting to say that won’t be a lie.

  “Do you want me to take you to the nurse when we get to school? I can stay there with you until you’re ready to go to class.”

  “No, I’m okay now,” he says.

  For a moment, I think his voice has gone back to its normal timbre, but then I realize this is the same tone he’s been using for the past several weeks. It’s the sound of Kai putting on a brave face.

  “Excuse me, sir?” I lean forward toward our Eastern European driver. “Change of plans. Could you please turn around and take us to the Bronx Zoo?”

  The driver glances at me in the rearview mirror, looks down at the meter, and shrugs. “No problem,” he says.

  “What? Why?” Kai demands, his eyes growing bright with excitement.

  “I don’t know. No big deal. Just seems like a nice day for the zoo.” I try to act casual, like this kind of spontaneity is part of my usual MO, but I can’t stop the smile from breaking onto my face.

  “What about school?” Kai asks. He’s smiling now too.

  “You can go tomorrow,” I offer.

  “Awesome!” He’s getting into the spirit of it now. “Hot dogs and the carousel?”

  “Hot dogs and the carousel,” I agree.

  I don’t know what’s going to happen going forward. I’m concerned that Maggie and Nick are going to read Kai’s panic attack as a symptom of an unhappy home life, a suboptimal childhood that they want to rectify—or maybe they’ll see it as they should, an indication that they are upsetting him and should back the fuck off. What I do know for certain is that it’s a beautiful day in New York City, and I’m lucky enough to be sitting here with my sweet, sweet boy.

  I suppose we’ve been living on borrowed time for the last ten years as it is. I don’t know whether I will get much more— but I’m sure as hell going to make the most of the time we have left.