Silver Dove (Silver #2)

by E. J. Shortall

  Dad stood and handed Giana down to me. He excused himself to go to the bathroom, giving Marika’s shoulder a gentle squeeze as he passed. I smiled down at the innocent face of my niece. “You’re not alone, Marika. You have us now. We’ll help you out however we can, okay?”

  “God, I wish I was as strong as you. You seem to be taking things so well. Me, I seem to be wallowing in a pit of despair at the moment.” Her words took me by surprise. I didn’t feel like I was taking things well or that I was strong. I also thought that if she was in a pit of despair, I was her companion. Now that she’d mentioned it, I couldn’t deny I had been feeling better. Maybe saying the final goodbye had also been my final goodbye to the sadness. Maybe I had just come to realise life went on. Or maybe Becki’s herbal healing remedy was actually working. Whatever the reason, Marika was right; I was feeling stronger and no longer like I was under a perpetual dark cloud.

  “You’ll pull yourself out, Marika. You have us and this little one here. She needs you to be strong for the both of you.” Giana beamed a megawatt smile at me that melted my heart. This little girl may not have her daddy around anymore, but I would make damn sure that she and Marika got everything they needed.

  For the next two hours I continued to exchange pleasantries with the phoney mourners and played with Giana. Eventually, when our guests started leaving and she became sleepy, I said I’d give Marika a break and took Giana upstairs for a nap. After changing her nappy I settled her down in the middle of our bed, placing cushions and pillows behind her as a barrier.

  “Dada,” the sweetest little voice cooed, causing my throat to constrict.

  “You sweet, sweet girl,” I whispered and placed a kiss on her head. No matter what I felt I’d lost, this little girl had lost the most.

  I stroked her soft blond hair and stared into eyes so much like my brothers as I settled in beside her. “You know little girl, your daddy may not be with us anymore, but you have a new family who love you very much. I will help you and Mummy as much as I can so you always have the best things in life.” She babbled on a moment before her eyes became heavy and she fell asleep, her thumb in her mouth.

  “You finally did something good with your life, James,” I whispered before my own eyes became heavy and I joined Giana in the land of sweet dreams.

  The mattress dipping behind me pulled me from the most restful sleep I’d had since before New Year’s Eve. Opening my eyes I was greeted by the smiling face of an angel jabbering away about something only babies understood. “Did you have a good nap?” Craig asked as he wrapped an arm around me and tugged me against his chest, resting his chin on my shoulder. “She seems content. You are so good with her.”

  “She’s a good girl and that makes it so much easier.”

  “Maybe so, but you’re still good with her, a natural. You’ll be a great mum one day.”

  I turned around and Craig shifted until we were lying face to face and looking into each other’s eyes. “Do you really think so?”

  “Of course I do. You are the kindest, sweetest, most beautiful person I know. You are patient, caring, a great teacher and have strong morals. A child couldn’t ask for a better mum than you.” He smiled and reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear.

  I stared into his eyes for a while trying to think of the best way of telling him something that I’d been thinking about since New Year’s Eve. After our conversation that day, the longing for a child, Craig’s child, had begun to seep into my conscious, tentatively reaching out in the dark and grabbing hold of my feelings and need for Craig and our future together.

  “Craig, I think I want to try for a baby sooner rather than later.” His eyes widened and he remained silent as we stayed locked in each other’s gazes.

  “Please say something,” I implored. “I just told you I want to have a baby with you.”

  “I know,” he replied quietly, as though saying it any louder would mean he had to acknowledge it.

  “That’s it? I know?” Christ, I had just told the man I love that I wanted to start a family with him and all I got was an ‘I know’?

  He sighed and shifted so he was sitting on the side of the bed. “We talked about this, Ambs. You know I want to start a family with you, but just not yet. I’m not ready. We’re not ready.”

  Giana’s babbling and movements caught my attention and I reached around to gently tickle her. “Life’s too short. Losing James just goes to prove that you have to live for the moment, not two years or more down the line. We don’t know what tomorrow will bring, never mind beyond that.”

  “I know that, baby, believe me I do, but right now I am living the moment. Ambs, we’ve come a long way, yet we still have so much to discover about each other. I’m trying to expand the business and branch out into Europe. You’re getting established at work. I really don’t think adding a child to the picture is the right thing for us at this moment. This relationship is still so new. I just want to enjoy that feeling for as long as possible.” He was right, of course he was right. What he said made perfect sense, but my maternal instinct didn’t know that. “Ambs look at me please.”

  Giana started fidgeting and trying to sit up so I pulled her onto my lap placing her in the middle of my crossed legs. She looked at Craig, giving him a shy, toothless smile and then turned back to me, grabbing the ends of my hair to play with. As I fought to extricate my hair from her firm grip, I looked down at her happy, smiling face.

  I want this. I want my own child to love and cherish.

  “Amber, look at me,” Craig demanded again with a firmer voice. Finally disentangling Giana’s fingers from my hair, I turned to look Craig in the eye. “I know what it means to you, I can see it. I’m not saying no. I’ve never said no. Just… let’s leave it a year or so. Let’s get used to being together and then we’ll start trying. Okay?”

  No, it wasn’t okay. I couldn’t deny my feelings, but I needed his support, I needed him to want it too. If I knew anything at all about Craig, it was that when he was set on something there was no swaying him. It’s what made him such a great businessman. When he wanted something, or in this case didn’t want something, he would do what he had to, to make it possible.

  I pulled Giana against my chest and began rocking her as she started to whinge. She needed comforting, and I needed to take comfort from her at that moment. “I can’t help my hormones, Craig. I can’t explain it, this overwhelming need to have someone that is a part of me, of the two of us. Someone who depends on us for everything,” I whispered.

  Craig once again pulled me against his chest and started stroking Giana’s fine soft hair. “I want it too baby, just not yet. I’m not ready to be a father. We can have great fun practicing, though, right?” I managed a giggle and elbowed him in the side while he kissed my head and laughed with me.

  After a couple of minutes of comfortable silence Giana really began to get irritated and I realised she was probably hungry. As I moved to get up, Craig took her from me, holding her high against his chest. She looked over his shoulder and grinned at me. The little flirt, I thought to myself and smiled.

  “I’ll take her downstairs. Relax, take your time,” he said as he started walking toward the door.

  “Has everyone gone?” I asked.

  Nodding, Craig smiled, “Yeah, your dad just left just before I came up. He said he’d call you tomorrow. I told Marika she can stay here with us for the weekend. She could use the company and it will give you guys a better chance at getting to know each other.”

  As I watched Craig’s retreating back as he left the room, I couldn’t help but smile despite all my inner turmoil. My man, the sometimes gruff and domineering businessman, was also the sweetest most considerate person on the planet.

  Downstairs, Marika was at the small table in the kitchen feeding Giana. “Where’s Craig?” I asked as I made my way over to put some coffee on.

  “He said he had some calls to make and some business to attend to. He went into the study a few minutes ago
.” Nodding, I pull down some mugs and set about making us drinks. I realised then that I knew nothing about Marika. Did she even like coffee? Even though we had only seen each other a couple of times since Craig and I had landed on her doorstep to deliver earth shattering news, it felt like we had been friends for a long time. With her stunning looks and sweet personality, it was easy to see why my brother had fallen for her.

  Having checked that she did indeed drink coffee and how she took it, I pulled up a seat next to her at the table and slid a mug over to her. “Today was tough huh?” she asked as she tried to spoon what looked like mashed banana into a none-too happy Giana’s mouth.

  “It was,” I agreed. “It’s no secret that James and I didn’t get on these past few years, but even so, you don’t expect to be burying your siblings this young.” Frowning, I watched Giana fighting against her mother’s attempts at trying to feed her and thought what a waste of a life. This poor child would never know her daddy.

  “Who was that guy Craig was talking to at the cemetery?”

  “Who do you mean?” I asked, confused.

  “I noticed Craig speaking to someone over by the trees. I didn’t really know any of James’s friends so I wondered who he was.” She shrugged.

  “I’m not sure, I didn’t see,” I said frowning. I hadn’t seen him talking to anyone near the trees. “I’ll ask him later.”

  When Marika had finished feeding Giana, she asked if I would hold her while she cleaned up. With the tot sitting on my lap happily waving a plastic cow around in the air, I smiled down at her watching her bright eyes follow the cow as she played with it.

  “You want one.”

  “Huh?”

  “You want a baby.” Marika was leaning back against the counter, a knowing smile tugging at the corners of her mouth. “Don’t give me that shocked expression. I can see it in your eyes, you want one.”

  There was no denying it, this sudden need to be growing and nurturing a life within me. “Yes, I do,” I answered honestly, looking back down at Giana and offering her my hand, which she immediately grabbed and pulled into her mouth.

  “So what’s stopping you? You have a lovely home. You’re in a strong relationship and have no financial worries.”

  “It’s just not the right time,” I sighed, sounding defeated. I hated that I felt so conflicted over this. I had these powerful needs coursing through me that I couldn’t control, but Craig and I wanted different things.

  Despite our love and connection I couldn’t shift the alien feeling of foreboding, that despite everything we’d been through, this was the one thing that would really test the strength of our relationship.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  April

  Amber

  It had been three months since we’d laid James to rest. Three months of me trying to come to terms with what had happened, and trying to get over the guilt I felt for my part in it. I knew I wasn’t directly involved but I still couldn’t shake the fact that had I given him the money he’d asked for, he would still be with us, watching his beautiful daughter grow day by day.

  The police still hadn’t caught who had done it. In fact I was pretty sure they weren’t even bothering to look anymore. I had a feeling that Craig knew something, but whenever I broached the subject with him he would clam up and start talking about something else. I hated the feeling that he was keeping things from me again. We’d been through that before and I’d told him then, no secrets. I couldn’t live with secrets surrounding us.

  The evasion to all topics James started just after James’s funeral. At first I thought it was just Craig trying to protect me. I’d eventually asked him who he had been speaking to at the cemetery and he’d told me that someone had been there that shouldn’t have been and he’d gone to ask him to leave. The response seemed strange but I let it go. That was until the strange phone calls he’d been receiving started becoming more frequent. Of course, then when I added everything up, my metaphorical calculator exploded, leaving me with so many different scenarios running through my head and fearing the worst.

  After the funeral I began spending more and more time with Marika and Giana, getting to know them, learning new things about James and generally just enjoying each other’s company. Marika and I were similar in so many ways that we’d bonded easily and I soon found myself being able to confide my thoughts and fears to her. It was nice to have someone level headed and rational to talk to, someone who really listened but acted as the voice of reason. As much as I loved Becki, she was team Amber all the way and would fly to my defence no matter what the situation.

  Marika and Becki had decided we needed a girlie day of shopping and pampering. So there we were wandering through department stores, small boutiques and shoe shops feeding Becki’s shopping obsession. I’d never been one to enjoy the shopping mall scene, but with Becki and Marika laughing and joking about some of the rather bizarre fashion trends around, I felt happy and content despite feeling a little unwell.

  “Are you feeling alright, Ambs? You look a bit pale there,” Becki stated looking at me over a rack of brightly coloured sundresses.

  “Yeah it’s just a bit too warm in here, I think I need to get some air,” I replied and searched in my bag for the small bottle of water I had brought with me. I’d been feeling a bit off colour for a few days. Nothing serious, just the odd queasy spell and feeling overly tired. I’d put it down to the long school term and feeling a little run down.

  “How about we go and grab some lunch? Maybe a sit down and some food will make you feel better.” Marika chipped, rocking Giana in her stroller while looking at me with concern.

  “Sounds good, I can get some fresh air and a nice refreshing drink. I’m sure that’s all it is,” I said as my vision became cloudy and everything around me seemed to spin.

  Somehow I made it out of the shop and into the small Mexican restaurant on the High Street without passing out. But as we were being lead to a table, the dots in vision became denser and once again and my hands began to shake. I needed to sit down before I passed out.

  “Wow, Ambs. How many have you had already?” Becki joked.

  “Oh ha ha,” I replied dryly as I eased my trembling body down onto the wooden chair at our table.

  “What has brought this all on?” Marika asked.

  I frowned. “I’m not sure.”

  “I still think she sneaked in a cheeky Vodka,” Becki chuckled as she picked up the menu and studied it intently. She was rather fussy about what she ate and would no doubt be harassing the poor young waiter, asking if everything is Free Range, Fairtrade, Dolphin friendly, organic… the list was endless.

  As I was perusing the daily specials, a waiter walked past with a platter of sizzling fajitas and my stomach roiled.

  Oh, this was not good; maybe I did have a bug or something.

  Quickly grabbing my glass of water I gulped half of it down and took a deep breath trying to settle my queasy tummy.

  My eyes meet Marika’s as she peered over the top of her menu and I lifted a brow at her questioning look.

  “You know, Ambs,” Becki continued, “Maybe you’ve got the flu or something. Maybe we should just take you home.”

  “I really don’t think it’s that, Bec. Other than the dizziness I feel fine, great in fact, and it’s not like I have a temperature or anything. I’m not sure about curing depression, but those tablets you gave me have certainly warded off the lurgies. I haven’t had so much as a sniffle since I began taking them.” With my stomach settled somewhat, I picked up my menu and started looking again.

  “You’re still taking them?” Becki asked, sounding surprised.

  “Yes, why wouldn’t I be? They’re herbal. They’re keeping me healthy and besides, you told me to take one a day. I’ve been feeling great. Well I had been up until recently, so why would I stop taking them if they are working?”

  Becki continued to look at me and then over at Marika. It was like they were having a secret telepathic conversation
between them that I wasn’t privy to. All of a sudden Becki scraped her chair back on the floor and stood abruptly making her way through the crowded restaurant.

  “Where are you going?” I called out as she walked toward the exit.

  “Stay there. I’ll be right back,”

  “What was that all about?” I asked Marika, watching Becki’s back disappear through the glass front door. I was as confused as hell. She simply shrugged her shoulders and shook her head, indicating she wasn’t sure.

  Five minutes later Becki re-joined us at the table and dumped a pharmacy bag in front of me. “What’s that?” I asked, intrigued.

  “It’s a bag,” she quipped and I shot her a menacing glare. “Just look in the bloody bag, Amber,” she said before I had the chance to say anything.

  Tentatively I opened the bag and peered inside. As soon as I saw the boxes, I closed the bag and pushed it back towards Becki as though it had burned me. “What the hell did you buy those for?”

  “Because I think you need them, Ambs,” she said, pushing it my way again.

  Shaking my head at her, my heart rate sped up and a sudden fear crept along my spine. I couldn’t be, there was no way. I was on the pill and had always been religious about taking it. “You’ve got it all wrong Bec. There is absolutely no way I can be pregnant. One hundred percent not a chance. You’ve wasted your money.”

  “Ambs, those tablets were never meant to be taken long term. Just as a little pick me up to get you through a tough time.”

  “What the hell has that got to do with anything,” I seethed.

  “When I told Stella that I’d noticed how the tablets were helping you, she mentioned that they were not for intended for prolonged use. Apparently they can interact badly with other forms of medication. I didn’t say anything because I just assumed you had read the label and weren’t taking them anymore.”

  “The label was in Chinese. And why are you telling me this anyway, Bec? You know I don’t take any other type of medic- oh hell!” An icy chill washed over me as the weight of what she was saying registered. The only other medication I had been taking was the pill.