Silver Dove (Silver #2)
Page 25
I turned around and looked up into his beautiful green eyes. “I love you too. I’m sorry.”
“Nothing to be sorry for.” He squeezed me for a brief moment then kissed my nose and walked away, grabbing his clothes on his way back into the bedroom.
I slid down the wall beside me and hugged my knees to my chest. Why was this all so hard? How was it that I could fall pregnant so easily before without even trying, and now we wanted this it was taking so long?
By the time I’d picked myself up and gone back into the bedroom Craig had already left.
Craig
“Dev, get your fucking head in the game or I’ll bring Sulley the Sulk on,” Mick, our coach, yelled from the side-lines.
I tracked the ball as it flew through the air, and moved to control it on my chest before allowing it to drop to my feet. I kept my eyes on the goalie as I dribbled past a couple of the idiots they had in defence. It was him and me, one on one. Narrowing my eyes I pulled my leg back and shot.
Crap! At the last minute I scuffed the ball and it headed straight at him. He punched it away easily and it fell to one of their defenders. I moved quickly to tackle him and easily recovered the ball. As I readied myself to take another shot, someone else came rushing in from the side taking the ball, and me, down in the process.
“What was that you fucking idiot?” I growled jumping to my feet and standing chest to chest with the guy.
He smirked. “What’s the matter, Pansy, can’t handle a real team? I hope you don’t shoot like that in the bedroom. Better send the Mrs my way huh?”
My chest rose and fell rapidly as my blood ignited. Without thinking I reached forward and using all the anger and frustration in me, I pushed him, hard. “Say that again.”
He rushed forward and before I knew it we were on the ground duking it out like a couple of high schoolers. A loud whistling in my ear had me pulling away and squinting up to the red card the ref was holding up.
Fucking perfect!
“You bloody idiot. If we lose this game now...” Mick hollered as I stomped off the pitch. Giving him the one fingered salute I headed straight for the changing rooms. I was not in the mood for that shit.
“Craig, wait!” I stopped at the sound of Scott’s voice. “What’s got into you? You never lose your cool.”
“Shouldn’t you be getting a work over with your very own masseuse?” I flicked my eyes over to where Becki was standing watching me curiously.
“Yeah, whatever. So, I got subbed because I twisted something, I didn’t make a total dick out of myself. What the hell were you doing?” I sighed and started walking toward the building again. “Craig, we’ve been mates for a long time. What’s going on?”
We walked into the changing room and sat on the benches. “I don’t know, I’ve just been like a lit fuse, waiting to explode. This whole baby thing with Amber is really starting to piss me off. If she’s not reading about it, she’s talking about it. If she’s not talking about it she’s cock blocking me with a thermometer stuck in her gob.” Dropping my head back against the wall, I stared up at the ceiling.
“She’s got it that bad huh?”
I nodded. “I totally get it, She desperately wants to be carrying our child again. Correct me if I’m wrong, though, but I thought the theory of the birds and the bees was lots of sex and it will happen if or when it’s meant to.” I let out a frustrated laugh.
“Chicks see it different to us. It’s that biological clock shit they have going on.”
I twisted my face to look at him. “Has Becki been pushing for children too?”
His eyes widened. “Fuck, no. We’ve both decided we don’t want kids. We enjoy our freedom too much to be burdened with sprogs.”
“So what do I do?”
“You talk to Amber and tell her how you’re feeling.” I nodded and walked to the showers. It sounded fine in theory, but I wasn’t one for laying my feelings on the line, not even to Amber. I was used to working things out for myself.
Amber
Craig was still being quiet. When he’d arrived home from the match he’d disappeared into the study for a while and made it clear he didn’t want to be disturbed. I could feel the distance between us building and I hated it.
“Are you going to ignore me the whole afternoon?” I asked, looking out the car window as we drove to his mum’s place for Sunday lunch.
“I’m not ignoring you.”
“No? So why is it that you’ve said no more than a handful of words to me since you got back from your match? How did it go by the way?”
His face pinched in anger. “The ref sent me off. Fucking idiot!”
“What? Why?” I twisted in my seat to look at him.
“I got involved in a little scuffle,” he replied quietly.
My eyebrows shot up to my hairline. I couldn’t imagine Craig getting involved in a fight, he was Mr Cool on the pitch… usually. “What happened?”
“The guy took me out, I retaliated,” he shrugged.
“That’s not like you.”
“So people keep telling me,” he mumbled.
“Oh come on Craig, since when do you lose your temper and get involved in fights.”
His hands tightened on the steering wheel. “Since my sex life left me a tad frustrated,” he said so quietly I wasn’t sure I was meant to hear it.
“So this is my fault?” I glowered at him, my own temper rising.
“Did I say it was?”
“You didn’t need to. It’s pretty clear you’re pissed off with me in a major way.” I seethed.
Craig suddenly jerked on the steering wheel and pulled the car over to the side of the road. “Craig, what are you doing?”
“You’re sexy when you’re angry, do you know that?”
I huffed out a frustrated sigh. “Whatever. Can we go to your mum’s now?”
“Not just yet.” He reached over to unbuckle my seatbelt as I watched on in confusion. “You see, baby, you left me all frustrated this morning and now you’re sitting there like a little firecracker turning me on again.”
“Craig, stop it,” I growled through my teeth, batting him away as he tried to pull me closer to him while kissing along my neck.
“I just want to kiss my wife.”
We were pulled over at the side of the road with pedestrians and other cars all around us. “We’re out in public,” I said exasperated and pulled back.
Craig didn’t move for a moment, keeping his hard gaze locked on mine. “It never used to bother you. We’re in a car with darkened windows and nobody gives a shit.” He closed his eyes for a brief moment and sucked in a calming breath. “You know what? It doesn’t matter.”
He slunk back into his seat, refastened his seatbelt, switched the engine back on and peeled back out into the flowing Sunday afternoon traffic. For the second time that day I was left wondering what had just happened.
When we’d arrived at Craig’s mum’s place we’d said our hellos and then he’d left me to ‘go and make some calls.’ I wasn’t stupid; I knew he just didn’t want to be around me right then. Val had excused herself saying she needed to watch over dinner, leaving me alone with Carly. I didn’t mind, I got on well with her and wanted to catch up, but I needed to know what was going on in my husband’s head more.
“So how have you been Amber? I’ve hardly had a chance to catch up with you since the wedding.” Carly asked, walking into the room holding a mug of coffee and a glass of coke. We started discussing school and university and I deliberately avoided the subject of Craig and me. Whatever was going on between us was personal, but even if I’d wanted to, I don’t think I could have explained, I simply wasn’t really sure.
“I never got to ask you in Barbados. Who was the guy singing with you at the wedding?” I asked her.
She flushed a fantastic shade of scarlet. “That was Tyler.”
“And Tyler is?”
“Just a friend,” she said looking away and taking a drink from her glass.
Carly sighed and leaned forward in her seat and began to draw imaginary patterns on the coffee table. “A while. I met him at the university.”
“And he’s just a friend?” I quizzed. There had definitely been a connection between the two at the wedding and I found it hard to believe there was nothing going on between them.
Nodding sadly, she replied, “Yep, just friends, and it’s all we’ll ever be.”
“Why?” She shrugged and took another sip of her drink.
“Enough about me, what’s going on with you and brother dearest?” she asked. She was clearly trying to avoid the subject.
Carly turned in her seat pulling her leg under her so she could face me properly when I didn’t respond. “Amber, what’s going on? You could have cut the tension with a knife when the two of you walked in.”
I looked down and nervously picked at my nails. “Can I be honest with you?”
“Absolutely, we’re sisters now remember!” Carly smiled and reached over for my hand. “What’s wrong?”
“I haven’t really spoken to anyone about this,” I admitted. “And Craig doesn’t seem to understand. Either that or he buries his feelings and won’t talk to me.” The burden of trying to conceive suddenly felt like a massive weight bearing down on my fragile soul.
“After the incident earlier in the year we’ve been trying to conceive again. I never knew it was possible to love someone or something as strongly as I did that baby. I can’t explain it, not really. Just knowing it was a part of Craig and me, created from our love of each other, I’d felt an instant protection and overwhelming love for him or her. Having that so cruelly ripped from me near enough broke me, Carly. Nothing could and ever would replace our lost angel but the only thing that kept me strong was Craig and knowing we would try for another.”
Carly moved in closer and gave my hand a gentle squeeze but she remained silent, giving me the time I needed to formulate in my head what I needed to say.
“It’s hard, Carly. Knowing that I fell so easily before, without having even been trying, and now… nothing.” I swiped at a tear trickling down my cheek.
“I’m so sorry, Amber. I never got to say it at the time, but I really felt for you guys. Did they catch who attacked you?” I shook my head no. The police hadn’t got any further with their investigation and I’d given up hope of them finding whoever was responsible. It wouldn’t have mattered anyway; it couldn’t bring back what we’d lost.
“So how long have you been trying for another?”
“Five months,” I whispered.
“I’m no expert on these matters, Amber, but I don’t think five months is all that long.” She reached over and fingered the dove around my neck. “Keep hoping and loving and it will happen. I’m sure of it.”
I briefly closed my eyes and prayed she was right. A throat cleared in the doorway and I looked up to find Craig standing there watching us. From the tension in his eyes I knew he’d heard every word, I just wasn’t sure what it meant or what he was feeling.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Amber
After my heart to heart with Carly that day, Val had then cornered me and we’d had almost the same conversation. Apparently she’d then spoken to Craig because a few days later we’d been at a private clinic undergoing numerous blood tests, scans and other things that Craig was none too happy about. Two weeks after that I was back to get the results.
“Relax, Amber.” I scolded myself as I nervously pinched my lip while waiting to see the doctor. “Whatever the results are we’ll deal with it.”
I stared at the clock as the minute hand clicked forward another space and I couldn’t help but fear the worst. What if the injuries from the stab wound had caused permanent damage that would prevent me from carrying another child? What if losing the first pregnancy would have happened regardless of the attack? What if… “Mrs Silver, you can come on through now.”
I followed the nurse down the corridor and wished Craig was by my side. He’d been trying to be more understanding of things, and I’d been surprised when he’d told me about booking the initial appointment. I’d wanted to not overwhelm him with everything, though, and told him I would be okay to attend this one on my own. He had deadlines and priorities at work and needed to focus on those. As a couple we were balancing on a thin thread and I was scared that the slightest little thing would have it unravelling and send him flying over the edge.
“Nice to see you again Amber,” the doctor said as I took a seat at her desk. “How have you been?”
She jabbered on, recapping what we’d discussed during the previous appointment, when all I wanted was the results of the tests. “… the results of Craig’s tests all came back normal. We did find your hormone levels were on the lower side of normal but nothing to be overly concerned about. Your scan showed signs of several small cysts on your ovaries but again they are nothing to be overly concerned with, just something we may need to monitor.”
“So what does this all mean?” I asked, confused. On the one hand I was so very grateful that nothing serious had been found, but on the other it gave no answers as to why I’d not fallen pregnant again.
“What this all means is that there is no real reason for you to not become pregnant again. There was no permanent damage to your reproductive organs during your attack and we know you were able to conceive naturally before that. You have what we call ‘Secondary Infertility’.”
My heart dropped. In a way I’d been hoping for an answer and a magic cure that would make everything okay. “So, what happens now?”
“I’d like to start you on some ovulation inducing drugs. They should help with your hormone levels and increase your chances of conceiving. We’ll give them a try for a while and monitor you. If they don’t work we’ll look into maybe trying IVF.” She continued on by lecturing me about monitoring and the chances of multiple births and other side effects from the drugs. I felt sad that it had come to this, that I wasn’t woman enough to bear a child the natural way.
By the time I walked out of the clinic my head was swimming with all the new information and I needed to sound off to someone to try and help me make sense of it all.
I’d not heard from or seen Becki in a couple of weeks and I was beginning to worry. All my calls seemed to go to voicemail and if she bothered to reply to my texts they tended to be short, sharp answers. They weren’t the typical humorous conversations we’d usually end up in. At that moment, though, I’d needed to speak with my best friend. I needed her no bullshit, stiff upper lip attitude to lift me up and tell me everything would be okay.
A quick call to Becki’s assistant at her office told me she was off for the day for personal reasons. I was off that week for our mid-term break so I’d decided that I might as well go and see what was going on with her.
I pulled up outside her house and noted her car parked in the driveway. She was definitely home, she never went anywhere without her car. On the way over I’d tried calling from the car but it had just rung a couple of times and then gone to voicemail. I’d nearly turned around and driven home but thought I’d try popping by first in case she’d just not heard her phone ringing or something.
I grabbed my bag and the massive amounts of literature the clinic had given me and walked up to Becki’s door and rang the bell. “Just a minute,” she yelled out and I heard shuffling around inside. “Oh, Ambs, what are you doing here?” she asked looking surprised and a little apprehensive when she finally had the door open.
“Nice to see you too, bestie. Are you going to invite me in or what?”
She gulped and grabbed a handful of her hair and started furiously twirling it around her finger. “Um, yeah, sure, come on in.” I followed her through into the living room and flopped back on the sofa. “I’ll be back in a minute.” She darted out of the room and ran up the stairs leaving me alone. With nothing to do, I pulled out one
of the leaflets the doctor had given me at the clinic and started reading through while I waited.
“Sorry about that, Ambs, I just… um… had to do something upstairs.” I looked up from the leaflet as Becki walked in. She stood in the doorway eyeing my leaflet and looking awful. She was pale, had lost a lot of weight since I’d last seen her and she appeared to be tired. She looked like death.
I jumped to my feet and ran across the room. “Bec, what’s going on?”
She shook her head and started walking toward the kitchen. “Nothing! Would you like a drink?”
“A coffee would be great, thanks! I’ve not had a chance to get one since before my appointment at the clinic.” She bit down on her lip nervously and turned away.
“Okay, no problem. Take a seat.” She reached an arm out to gesture toward the table but kept her back to me.
I watched her closely as she moved around the kitchen. Her movements were slow and not the usual bouncing Becki I was used to. “Becki, are you going to tell me what’s going on with you?”
“I’m fine,” she mumbled and inhaled deeply before pouring out a mug of coffee. Just the one I noted.
“So, what brings you round today, Ambs?” she asked and placed my mug in front of me before pulling out the seat opposite.
“Well, seeing as you seem to have forgotten I exist, I thought I’d come and check that you were still alive.” I pinched my lips and scowled playfully earning me a smile from her at last.
“I’m sorry, Ambs. I’ve been a shitty friend.” Her smile dropped and she began tracing her finger along the edge of the table. “How are things with you? What was that you were reading back there?”
I recapped my appointment at the clinic. “It’s hard, Bec. I want this so bad. It takes up my every waking moment. I can’t watch a TV commercial for nappies or formula milk without crying. I walk down the street and see a mother pushing a baby in a pram and I either want to run away and hide or run up to them and beg them to let me hold the child if only for a minute. I’m a wreck. It’s affecting me and it’s affecting Craig,” I said sadly.