Becoming Zara

by Lillianna Blake

  “Another date?”

  “Yeah. Oh, not a date. No. A date with a new friend of mine—to go for a walk, so there will be exercise involved. Well, not really a friend but a woman that I met at that support group from the other day. I think I may have mentioned her to you. Nicole?”

  “The one with the jerk rock star boyfriend?”

  “Yep. That’s the one.” Braden did really have incredible listening skills, which always impressed me.

  “Okay. I’ll give you a pass this time—this week, I guess, as we’re two for two now.” He winked.

  I felt pretty terrible. It wasn’t really fair to cancel on him. “I’m sorry. I’ll reschedule with her.”

  “No, no. Don’t be silly. It sounds like she could use a friend. I have things I can do, so no worries. But I want to see you in the gym Wednesday. No excuses!”

  “Deal.”

  Hopefully my lunch date with George on Wednesday won’t send me over the edge.

  I decided not to remind Braden about the date. I’d have to suck it up and make it to training Wednesday regardless of how the date went.

  Chapter 21

  I leaned into my stretch as I waited for Nicole in the park. I was a few minutes early, which was fine. Work had been rough—it was honestly all I could do to keep from walking out today. My boss had been going on and on about some classes that he wanted us all to sign up for—at the company’s expense of course, but even so, who wanted to take time out of their personal life to attend a class about some lame software that they were trying to train us all on by summer?

  I’d made a decision in that moment that I’d be gone before summer. That was the deadline I was now giving myself, which meant I had three months to figure out what my next move would be.

  “Zara.”

  I looked over to see Nicole waving as she made her way across the grass to where I was stretching.

  “Hey, nice track suit,” I said. “I love the color.” Nicole was dressed head-to-toe in pink, which looked perfect with her dark hair.

  “Thanks.” She gave me a wide smile. “And thanks for meeting me. I know you’re busy with work and everything.”

  “Oh, no problem. I’m in the mood for a walk, and the temperature is so perfect today. Do you wanna stretch a little bit first?”

  Nicole nodded and started doing some side bends, and I bent over to get a good downward dog pose in. I didn’t care at all today about my rear being in the air. I’d decided that I was over that whole business again about caring what other people thought about my body. That was how I was going to recover from what that jerk Anthony had said to me—and I was ready.

  I noticed Nicole watching me as I breathed in deeply through my nose.

  “Do you do yoga?” I asked.

  “Oh, no. I don’t think I have the body for it.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Oh, I dunno. At my gym, everyone that goes to the yoga class is so slim. I just—I never thought I would fit in there.”

  “Well, I think you’d fit in just fine.” I smiled at her. I really wanted her to give it a try—to try something new. “Wanna try? I’ll show you, and it’s pretty easy.”

  “No, I don’t think so.”

  I flexed my legs, which I’m pretty sure caused my butt to wave a friendly hello to the heavens. I wasn’t taunting Nicole with it, but I could hardly contain my laughter as I flipped over, to sit with my legs crossed in front of me in the grass.

  Nicole sat down across from me and I followed her gaze to where my tattoo was just noticeable above the ankle-length sock I was wearing. I pulled the sock down a bit to show her the small tiara that I’d gotten on the inside of my ankle, grinning—just because I loved it so much.

  “That’s great.”

  “Do you have any tattoos?”

  “No, I’m too much of a chicken to get one—even though my boyfriend has tons and has tried to convince me to get a matching skull with him.”

  I couldn’t help the face I knew I was making. Her boyfriend was a piece of work.

  “Ah yes, the rock star. How’s everything with your man?”

  I knew I was getting way personal, way fast, but sometimes I forgot that other people weren’t as open as I was—I’d feel her out anyway and discover soon enough if I was crossing boundaries—part of my new “being bold” motto for life, I guessed.

  She didn’t look particularly annoyed, and she seemed a bit lost in thought about how to answer me.

  “Oh, you know. The same, I suppose. Which I guess you really don’t know, but that’s a boring topic to talk about right off the bat.” She laughed. “I wanna know about your tattoo. It’s lovely.”

  I wanted to know about the tattoo that Nicole wasn’t getting.

  “What would you get if you were getting one?” There was a question on her face. “A tattoo, I mean—other than the skull your boyfriend wants you to get.”

  “I don’t know. I guess I haven’t really thought about it too much. Maybe a small heart or a flower.”

  “Hmm.” I eyed her carefully. “Or something that has special meaning to you—if you were gonna get one, I mean.” She was nodding her head. “I got my tattoo right before I changed my name.”

  “I love that,” said Nicole. “To remind yourself that you’re a princess?”

  “You got it! As are you.” I winked at her. “Now, come on. Let me show you how to do a downward dog pose and then we’ll hit the path for our walk.”

  Nicole dutifully stuck her tush in the air after a bit of resistance, and I showed her how to get the deepest breath and really feel the stretch throughout her whole body. She was really a very good student once she loosened up a bit, and I appreciated the fact that she was willing to try, even thought she soon confessed to me that she rarely tried new things at all—that she was really stuck in a pretty big rut that she hardly even noticed these days.

  As we walked, I found out that Nicole was twenty-seven, worked in retail, and had been with her boyfriend for four years. I mostly bit my tongue and just focused on getting to know more about her. She wasn’t asking for my advice, but she was very interested in the journey I’d been on since my ex had dumped me. I told her that we should save most of that for another day—thus our weekly commitment to walk together began.

  We agreed to change the day to Saturdays—I wasn’t willing to give up more of my sessions with Braden during the weekdays—and by the time we parted ways, I felt like I’d made a real friend in Nicole.

  I left the park happier for my walk and my new friendship.

  Chapter 22

  I was early for my lunch date with George. This time I wanted the advantage of being able to put my head down or look away if I didn’t like what I saw coming through the door. And lest one think I’m being shallow, I’m not actually talking about what George looks like physically—not at all—well, okay, maybe just a little, but what I’m really talking about is the fact that I now believed I could sniff out a class A jerk a mile away. I was tucked away at the table in the small Italian restaurant, ready to bolt if need be.

  George and I both worked downtown so we’d opted to grab a lunch on our breaks. I liked the fact that it would be a short date by design—just enough to give us both that initial impression. I was trying to remember what Dr. Reese had said about bringing my best sexual energy forward, but the only thing that seemed to be coming forward at all was the large bagel I’d eaten too quickly before arriving at the restaurant.

  It’s a gross thing to admit, but I didn’t know how I would feel eating with George. I really wasn’t the girl to order a salad when what I really wanted was a giant bowl of pasta, but I’d been thinking that maybe I should rethink that strategy for first-date scenarios.

  I knew it was him the moment he walked in. His eyes scanned the tables and settled in on mine in the corner. I smiled. He looked close enough to the photo I’d seen on the dating site—maybe with a few extra pounds and just slightly less hair on top—but I didn’t have the ch
ance to think about doing anything other than waving him over. I didn’t have it in me to be rude, I guess—even when it came to blind dates.

  I stood up partway in my chair and noticed the man’s eyes go directly to my rear—next briefly to my face, before landing square at my neckline.

  Whoa, eyes up here, buddy. Hello!

  I wasn’t even wearing a shirt that showed actual cleavage—it was forbidden at work, of course.

  “Hi. George?”

  “Yeah. You must be Zara.”

  He was looking me in the eyes now. Good. And his smile was quite nice—perfect teeth, which definitely scored him points, as I like a man with good dental hygiene.

  “It’s great to meet you.”

  We both sat down across from one another as the waiter put menus in front of us, and for a few seconds the silence was a bit awkward as we pretended to study them. I already knew that I was, in fact, having the chicken salad.

  “So, have you been here before, Zara?”

  Rats! His eyes were back on my breasts.

  “Yeah I come here sometimes with coworkers. I work at the bank just around the corner from here. The food’s great. Anything you order will be good.”

  The waiter came to take our orders. George ordered the Fettuccine Alfredo and then looked more than a little disappointed when I ordered my salad.

  “Please don’t tell me that you’re one of those women who only eat salads while out with a guy?”

  I eyed him carefully, trying to figure out where he might be going with his question.

  “No. No, not really. I order what I’m in the mood for.” I smiled, hoping he’d drop the conversation of food.

  “Well, just so you know, I like my women on the heavier side, so please feel free to eat as much as you like. I’d love to share my Alfredo with you—to feed you.”

  Red flag alert. The way he was eyeing my lips was making me extremely uncomfortable. George really needed to take a lesson on bringing his best sexual energy forward because what he was bringing was creepy town, and now I just wanted to get away from him.

  I took a deep breath and closed my eyes for just a few seconds. When I’d finally been able to email Dr. Reese about the disaster that was date number one with Anthony, she’d phoned me right back and we’d had a long talk about it. She told me that even though it was good to practice with these early dates, I should never put myself in a position that felt uncomfortable in any way, unless I knew for a fact that it was me making myself uncomfortable—with my own insecurities, I guessed—and not the person who I was with.

  So, during this twenty-second interval with my eyes closed, I was doing a little gut check with myself.

  Nope, it was most definitely creepy George—who I was certain was now trying to peer down my blouse while my eyes were closed—that was making me uncomfortable.

  I stood up, all business and matter-of-fact.

  “I’m sorry, George. This isn’t going to work. You’re staring at my body in a very creepy way that’s making me want to punch you in the face, so I’m just going to leave now.”

  I walked over to the waiter to cancel my order and walked out to the car.

  I grinned at myself in the rearview mirror.

  I think I was going to be able to get a handle on this dating thing after all.

  Chapter 23

  Braden was laughing hysterically after I’d recounted the non-date that had occurred earlier in the day.

  “What did the guy do?”

  I laughed thinking about it. “I don’t know. I never did turn back around to look. I’m sure he was a bit stunned.”

  Braden reached over to give me a little incline on the treadmill.

  “I think you handled that perfectly. And what a jerk. I mean even if a guy is into a woman’s body, there are ways of checking her out without her knowing.”

  Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Braden making an exaggerated point to check out my backside as I made my way up the imaginary mountain climb he had me on. I laughed and lightly punched him in the arm. “Very funny, mister. You are not going to convince me that you are into my shapely behind.” It was much bigger than the tight buns he usually dated—I knew that for a fact.

  “Hmm.” Braden reached over to turn the treadmill off.

  “What’s hmm?” I was feeling bold today, and Braden had a funny look on his face that I couldn’t decipher.

  He looked at me for a full five seconds before he spoke. “There’s nothing wrong with your backside, Zara.”

  I looked down as I hopped off the treadmill, my face feeling warm. Whoa, maybe I needed to lay off the flirtation with Braden a little bit. It was sending my head to a new territory which I’d sworn off long ago with him. I just had to keep reminding myself of the boundaries and what was really important. I wasn’t going to risk anything so good by making a fool out of myself.

  “So what next, boss?” I was anxious to change the subject.

  “Time for your squats.”

  I took a sip of my water as we made our way over to the large open floor of the gym.

  “So on another note—I had a great time with Nicole yesterday. We’re going to start doing a weekly walk.”

  “Oh? Are we changing up your schedule here then?”

  “Nope. I told her I could only do it on Saturdays—because I had this evil trainer who loved to kick my butt around the gym during the week.”

  Braden was smiling, but then he put on a big fake pout. “So, I’m your evil trainer, am I?”

  “Okay, maybe not evil exactly, but you do like to see me in pain.”

  He playfully snapped his towel at me. “And am I just your trainer?”

  “No, of course not.” I grabbed onto the towel and in one quick motion he’d pulled me over close to him. I reached out to catch my balance and giggled when he caught me just before I went toppling to the floor. I looked him in the eyes quickly, suddenly feeling slightly uncomfortable, which was a rare thing around Braden. “No. You’re not just my trainer, silly.”

  He caught my eye and I grinned.

  “Seriously, Braden. You’re my best friend. I don’t know what I’d do without you.” I reached out to give him a big hug, desperate now to change the subject. Things were feeling slightly awkward, and I never wanted that when it came to Braden and me—especially not when I should be focused on other things, like getting a good workout in.

  Braden laughed and I followed him over to the machines that would do some damage on my thighs. I liked the way that my body felt when I was pressing my feet against the large weights. I could feel myself getting stronger every time I did it, and it gave me quite a rush.

  I used to be afraid of bulking up my thigh muscles until Braden had explained to me that everything he had me doing was only going to help with the strength and weight loss. And I trusted him. He was a good friend but he was also one of the best trainers at the gym. He was looking out for my best interests all the time—in life and when it came to my bulky thighs.

  I watched his face as he added another level of weight to my machine. I could tell that he was impressed with my progress today.

  “How am I doing there, coach?”

  “You’re doing just perfect. Really. I’m seeing so much improvement.”

  “Well, thanks to my awesome trainer.” I gave him a wide smile. “So, what about you?”

  “What about me?” He winked, watching me do my reps on the machine.

  “Did you have a date last night?”

  “Nah. I’ve decided to give dating a little break for now.”

  “Really?” I was genuinely surprised.

  “Yep. I’m just not that into it and it feels like I’m trying to force something that just isn’t meant to be right now.”

  I could see what he meant. His dates had been sounding almost as bad as mine, but we shouldn’t give up, should we? I wasn’t sure how to feel if someone like Braden couldn’t find someone special—how was I to be expected to do so?

  Negativ
e self-talk. Stop.

  Well, except Braden really was quite a catch—definitely in a different league than myself, so the comparison seemed warranted.

  “Hmm.”

  “Now what are you hmm-ing about?”

  “Oh, nothing. I just thought it was kinda cool that we were doing this dating thing together—at the same time, I mean.”

  “Well, of course I hope it all works out for you.” Braden reached over to kiss me on the forehead, surprising me and causing me to glance around the gym quickly because I was pretty sure that the other trainers were not kissing their clients on the forehead.

  “We’ll see. I mean, I’m not going to go through many more dates like the last two before I take a break myself. I mean, who has the energy for that? It’s exhausting.” I laughed. “I do have a date set up with the one guy from the site that I liked the most.”

  “The Indian guy?”

  I’d told Braden about my top two choices earlier. “Yeah, Maneesh. He seems really nice, so we’ll see.”

  “So, is that what you’re into? A more exotic look when it comes to your men?”

  Braden winked but I wasn’t sure where he was going with the question.

  “No, not really. I like my men breathing. Employed is good too.” I laughed.

  Braden was looking at me intently again. “Zara, you deserve someone great. Just remember that.”

  I looked away quickly. I wanted someone who was as great as Braden.

  It was a huge revelation to me.

  Chapter 24

  I settled in for a nice long chat in Judy’s office. It was our regular weekly session and I’d decided that I wanted to touch on a few things with her today. Pad and paper ready, she waited for me to begin.

  “So the dating…”

  “Yes, how has that been going?”

  “Honestly, much less than great, I’d say.” I filled her in on the two disaster dates that had taken place. After I told her about the first date with Anthony, she’d looked at me with a perplexed look on her face. “What’s that look for?”