Sift

by L. D. Davis

  I was in the kitchen, considering how to broach the topic with Connor when he came out of the bedroom clad only in a black pair of boxer briefs, squinty-eyed, yawning, and rubbing the back of his head. It was so sexy and so cute. I was disappointed that I had missed this version of him the last time we’d been together.

  He came to me without words and kissed me softly. “Good morning, beautiful,” he said, his voice hoarse from sleep.

  “Good morning,” I murmured back.

  “You know, you can call me beautiful, too. I won’t object.”

  I nodded. “You are beautiful.”

  He grinned. “Yeah, I am, but not as beautiful as you.” He kissed me once more, just a quick peck on the lips. “Do you need any help?”

  I shook my head as I turned back to the dishes I was washing. “I’m nearly finished now. If you want to shower, I’ll be done by the time you finish. Then I’ll take a shower and we can go get breakfast.”

  He moved behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist. My heart quickened, and I bit back a stupid, girly squeal.

  “Or we can finish cleaning together, take a shower together, and then go get breakfast.”

  He pressed against me, and I knew, judging by the firmness of the thing on my ass, that he had more in mind than just getting clean. It was tempting, very tempting, but we couldn’t do that again, not before we talked.

  I shut the water off and turned around to face him.

  “I was hoping that we could talk at breakfast, but maybe we should just do it now.”

  A shadow crossed over Connor’s face, but it happened so quickly, I couldn’t say for sure that I had seen it.

  He grinned at me. “If you want to discuss the friends with benefits shirts we need to buy now, I’ve already got it figured out.”

  My eyebrows rose as a tightness in my chest loosened a bit. “Have you now?”

  “Yep. You will wear the shirt that says ‘Friends’ and I will wear the shirt that says ‘With Benefits.' Now, I understand that makes me the sex object, but I’m okay with that. I’ll take one for the team.”

  I couldn’t help my smile, even as I shook my head. “Connor…”

  He sighed dramatically. “Fine. You can wear the Benefits shirt.”

  I laughed, even though I kind of wanted to cry at the same time. I wrapped my arms around his waist for an embrace. He kissed the top of my head as he held me. I could feel his heartbeat, racing so fast.

  “Thank you, Connor,” I whispered, thanking him for understanding. Thanking him for not making me have to say it.

  “You got it, beautiful,” he murmured. There was a moment of silence and then, “Seriously, though. Can we have shower sex and then go get breakfast? I’m starving.”

  Chapter Thirty-Eight

  The following Friday night, I took another shift for Cade at M.J.’s. There were other, more experienced people that he could have called instead of me, but I didn’t mind. I was always able to use the extra money and the extra experience.

  “Thanks for filling in again,” Cade said at the end of the night.

  He kissed my temple as he rubbed my back.

  I meant to smile but yawned loudly in his face instead. I slapped a hand over my mouth and gave him a muffled, “Sorry!”

  He chuckled and kissed me again. “Let’s get you out of here so you can get to bed.”

  As we walked out to the car, Cade took my hand into his. It was an old habit that never went away for us, even though we weren’t together.

  “Why don’t you come sleep at my place?” he suggested lightly. “Since I will be taking you to work in a few hours.”

  I stiffened a little. I hadn’t slept at Cade’s since the night our breakup had become official. In fact, I hadn’t had sex with Cade since that night. A tiny bit of guilt trickled into my heart, though, when I thought about the night I’d spent with Connor.

  “I’d rather go home,” I responded quietly. “All my clothes and everything I need is at home. I don’t have anything left at your house.”

  His face grew tense as he opened the passenger’s side door for me. “Yeah, I know you don’t,” was all he said before he closed my door.

  The silence in the car pressed down on me like a weight. I glanced at Cade several times during the ride to my apartment. I could almost feel the emotions building and storming inside of him. I could see it in his clenched jaw, the stiffness of his body and the way his hands gripped the steering wheel.

  Damn, I still loved him—not that I was trying to love him any less because that wasn’t the case, but during the entire time we’d been apart, my love for him had not shrunk. I still loved him as strongly as I had loved him before I’d left for Virginia all those weeks ago. Maybe that should have served as a sign, but instead, it just made me feel a little sad.

  “I can drive myself to work,” I said softly, as we rolled up to my building. “You don’t have to come back. You should get some rest yourself.”

  “Fuck, Darla,” he snapped, banging a fist on the steering wheel, making me jump a little. “All I want to do is fucking care for you, but you make it so damn difficult.”

  “I’m trying to care for you, too!” I argued. “I don’t want you driving all over the place when you’re dead tired.”

  “I’m fine. I’m not the one who has been up for almost twenty-four hours. For fuck’s sake, go take a damn nap. I’ll be back here at quarter-to-four.”

  “You don’t have to be an asshole about it.”

  His smirk was cold. “It’s in my nature. Get out of the fucking car.”

  I threw my door open, but before I could get out, Cade snagged the collar of my shirt and pulled me toward him. He kissed me hard and possessively before releasing me. I gaped at him. It wasn’t the first time we’d kissed since breaking up, but he hadn’t kissed me like that, with so much pent up anger. It wasn’t a sweet kiss; it was…it was a…it was an asshole kiss.

  “Asshole,” I grumbled and got out of the car.

  By the time Caden picked me up later, we’d both had enough time to simmer down. After my seatbelt was on, he stroked my cheek once, a wordless apology. My answering faint smile was a wordless acceptance.

  We arrived at The Sweet Bite twenty-five minutes later. Before I got out of the car Caden gently grasped my hand. He wasn’t the type to beg, and I didn’t hear it in his voice, but I saw it in his blue eyes.

  “Come home with me later,” he said. Just four words, but four words that could have many different results.

  I thought about Connor, but only briefly, because I thought I’d been clear enough with him. I wasn’t with him any more than I was with Cade or any other man for that matter.

  “Okay,” I said.

  He leaned in and kissed me with his usual roughness, but without the anger he’d had earlier.

  As the day went on, I started not to care where the hell I slept that afternoon, as long as I did it. Maybe it was time for me to rethink my work schedule. I worked most Saturdays, leaving me with only one day off. I didn’t usually work for Cade, but even without those rare nights, it was becoming a bit much.

  It wasn’t required of me to work six days a week, but that sixth day was all overtime, and I added that money to my travel fund. I was always willing to go without a lot of things, as long as I was always able to add money to that fund. If I stopped working Saturdays, I wouldn’t be able to save as much, but I was so tired. Not just physically tired, but I was also getting a little tired of doing the same thing over and over.

  I was thinking of my options, or lack thereof, when my shift ended and I walked to the front of the bakery.

  “Hey, you,” a familiar male voice said.

  It was Trey. I was surprised to see him because he usually only came in during the week.

  “Hey,” I smiled at him. “What are you doing here on a Saturday?”

  “Heading to Kim’s. We’re driving to her sister’s in Newark for dinner. Thought I’d stop and get a dessert.” He tapped the
white box in his hand.

  “What a sweet boyfriend you are. First time meeting the family?”

  Judging by his nervous laugh, I knew that it was.

  We walked out into the afternoon sunshine, chatting amicably about his girlfriend and her family.

  I gave the street a quick scan for Caden’s Ferrari, but I didn’t see it. I knew that if he were parked nearby, he would pull up to the front of the shop anyway, so I just continued to talk to Trey without any concern. When he took a look at his watch and said he had to get going, though, I was startled to realize that we had talked for over fifteen minutes, and Caden still hadn’t come.

  Trey gave me a brief, friendly hug before he left. Less than a minute later, Caden rolled up in front of the bakery. I thought the timing was perfect, but if my brain and body didn’t happen to be running on empty, I maybe would have thought that the timing was suspicious, not perfect.

  I climbed into the car and began to pull my seatbelt on.

  “Did you fall asleep?” I asked teasingly.

  I looked up and saw his face. Something had pissed him off, and bad. His jaw was clenched again, and he looked like a poisonous snake, coiled up tight and ready to spring. I knew it wasn’t about me, it couldn’t have been since I hadn’t seen him for almost nine hours.

  “What’s wrong?” I asked gently. I didn’t want the freakin’ snake to spring at me.

  His gaze, cold and hard, slid to mine before returning to the road.

  “Who was that?” he asked, his voice eerily calm.

  I rubbed my sleepy eyes. “Who was whom?”

  “The man that was just touching you. Who was that?”

  Oh, damn. Cade must have witnessed my very innocent embrace with Trey. Most men wouldn’t have blinked an eye, but Caden had always been very possessive, and very jealous. Probably, if I would have said any other man’s name, he would have relaxed a little and been reasonable, but I told him the truth.

  “That was Trey,” I said with an exasperated sigh. “And he wasn’t ‘touching’ me. It was just a hug.”

  “You can’t possibly be that naïve,” he flashed me a condescending look. “That is the same dude who was boosting your ego, telling you how fucking beautiful you were and that your boyfriend—that was me, in case you’ve forgotten—didn’t deserve you. That is the same fucking dude who wanted to see you before you left for Virginia. It wasn’t just a fucking hug, Darla.”

  “So, what?” I demanded. “A lot has changed since then. It’s not the big fucking deal that you’re trying to make it into.”

  “I saw his face while he was talking to you!” Cade erupted.

  I shrugged. “Yeah, I saw his face, too. I was standing not two feet away from him.”

  “Then you must have seen the fucking hearts in his eyes while he looked at you.”

  I stared at him. “Is that why it took you so long to pick me up? You were sitting on the street somewhere spying on me?”

  “At first, I thought he was just another customer, but it quickly became apparent that you two were familiar with each other.”

  I didn’t miss the way he danced over the fact that he had been spying on me.

  “I’m familiar with a lot of customers, Caden. You’re familiar with a lot of your customers, too, and I don’t act the way you are acting right now.”

  “None of those customers have my phone number and say the shit to me that Trey—” he spat the name— “said to you.”

  “You are blowing this out of proportion—again! The reason he had ‘hearts in his eyes’ was because he was talking to me about his girlfriend that he’s madly in love with. I shouldn’t have to explain that to you, though, Cade, because I already told you before that nothing was going on between us.”

  “Yeah, but that was before you decided to make our relationship more fucking complicated. How do I know that you haven’t since then decided to take him up on his offer?”

  I shook my head and looked out the window, hoping he wouldn’t see the flicker of guilt in my eyes. Not guilt about Trey, because there was no guilt to be had there, but my guilt about Connor.

  “I’m done talking about this,” I said and closed my eyes.

  Shockingly, Cade didn’t utter another word. Even more shocking, when I opened my eyes again, we were parked near my apartment and not his, and he had unbuckled my seatbelt.

  “What are we doing here?” I asked, groggy from my very short nap.

  Cade pushed his fingers through his blond hair and let out a harsh breath before he focused those blue eyes on me.

  “Four years ago when you came into M.J.’s on a date, I barely knew you, but I hated that asshole you were with, just because he was with you and I wasn’t. I despised the man for having your full attention, for having your incredible and sexy blue eyes on him. Every time he made you smile or laugh, I wanted to punch him in the fucking face. I wanted your attention. I wanted your eyes on me, and I wanted to be the one to make you smile and laugh. I could tell you weren’t into him, but it didn’t make me feel any differently. It wasn’t any fucking consolation that you had no real interest in him.”

  He let out another ragged breath, and his gaze shifted to some pedestrians on the sidewalk.

  “I was such a bastard in the kitchen after I saw you with him. I couldn’t take it out on your date, so I took it out on my staff. Armand finally got tired of my tantrum and kicked me out of my own damn kitchen.” He snorted with derision and his eyes shifted back to me. “That’s when I came out the first time. It was really fucking hard not to look at you, to pretend that I didn’t know that you were there, but I could feel you looking at me.” His smile was bittersweet. “It’s been this way from the start, Dar. It started before you even realized that I’d claimed you as mine, but I fucking hate any man that has your attention that isn’t me. It’s not mature. It’s not reasonable, and it might even be a little fucking crazy, but I don’t know if I can change that part of me, and that’s so fucked up. It’s fucked up because it’s that ingrained need to possess you and stake my claim on you that got us here in the first place.”

  He looked at me for a stretch of seconds, seeing me, but also seeing something else I couldn’t.

  “That first time you came to M.J.’s looking for a job, I felt…something, but I was fucking confused, and that pissed me off, and that was how I was able to wish you luck and walk away. But I had your address, you know. It was right there on your fucking resume. I drove past your building that night after closing. I don’t know what the fuck I was looking for,” he said with a small laugh. “Whatever it was, I didn’t find it that night. I got busy with the job and life, though. I didn’t forget about you exactly, but I just pushed you to the back of my mind. One week before you came in on your date, I thought about you again, and after work, I decided to drive by your apartment again. It was perfect fucking timing. It was about two in the morning, and there you and Cherry were, about two blocks away from your building, strutting down the street, clinging to each other, talking and laughing. You looked so fucking beautiful, Dar, all dressed up for the club, drunk and happy.”

  His eyes squinted as if he were peering at that past me as if she were right there in the car with us.

  “I sped around the block so I could see you once more before you got inside, but when I came back down the street, I didn’t see you. There wasn’t any traffic behind me, so I just sat there at the corner, staring at your building and wondering all kinds of crazy shit about you. Finally, I realized what a fucking creep I was being.” He shook his head and refocused on me, the woman of the present and not the woman of the past. “I was just about to drive off when I noticed the door of the corner store swinging open. You and Cher walked out, only quickly looked my way to make sure I wasn’t going to run your asses over, and then you walked by, right in front of my car, almost close enough to touch. For the entire time I watched you cross the street, after you’d already gone inside your building, and even on my way home, all I could think was, �
�Mine. Mine. Mine.’”

  Something warm slipped down my spine, and I shivered, but I didn’t speak. I knew he wasn’t done, though I wished he was because my heart was swelling and breaking all at once.

  “A week later, you came into M.J.’s. I knew then, despite the fact that you were on a date with some other dude, that you were mine, Dar, and I just had to convince you of it.”

  He looked away from me again. His eyes seemed to focus on nothing as his voice dropped to just above a whisper.

  “I believe you when you say nothing is going on between you and Trey,” he said. “I am pretty sure I believed you from the start two months ago, but I don’t know how to turn this off. I don’t know how to turn off this bestial reaction to snarl and snap and trap you when I feel a threat— real or imagined.”

  He finally looked at me again, his eyes sad but determined.

  “I brought you home because I let you down again. I brought you home because I know the last place you probably want to be is in my bed with me. I brought you home because I am letting you go again, Darla, but don’t for a second believe that I am fucking giving you up.”

  Caden had always been honest and straightforward, but he had never spoken so true. His self-examination and cessation were raw, and he made no excuses for who he was. He could have told me that he’d change, and he could have apologized until he was blue in the face only to placate me, but he didn’t. Maybe the person I was two months ago would have been okay with being placated and lied to for the sake of a temporary peace, but I wasn’t that person anymore. I didn’t know exactly who I was, but Cade knew who he was, and I had to respect that. I appreciated his raw honesty. I loved him for it.