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Seeing Red

Page 17

by Heidi Brod


  For Carter, falling in love is a maelstrom of passion and a power struggle that he will always win. I have to consider that this is all a game to him and remember that he is a master of manipulation.

  My intuition tells me to stay sharp and focused.

  There’s something about Carter; like a sorcerer, he draws me in, magnetic and ethereal. He has charm and charisma, an unquantifiable and unpredictable piece of human chemistry and one that helps him teach and achieve true magic, suspended and without wires.

  “You know, even though you drive me mad, I’ve never stopped thinking about you,” Carter says. He reaches out and puts his hand over mine.

  “I stopped sending you letters, but I never stopped writing them. I want you to read one,” he says, pushing a pile of notes toward me. “Go ahead, just one.” He stares at me disconcertingly.

  The light from the candle flickers. It casts an eerie glow.

  Seraphina,

  You dazzle, even in your grief and pain; I tried to heal your wounds. I tried to kiss the parts that were broken, and through that love, both of us were reborn, transformed into living gold.

  I love to watch you think, the beauty of your mind, always twisting and turning, firing on all cylinders.

  As if, overnight, you became my religion, a sanctuary for my pain and pleasure. I tried to forget you.

  Your love left a scar—a poisonous wound that won’t heal. I can’t forget you. And without you, I can’t live. The light has gone out, and I find myself consumed by darkness.

  Eternally yours,

  Carter

  I let the silence take over the moment, seeing the depth of his love for the first time and the darkness of his passion.

  I have the sensation that the world is spinning, as if I’m on a merry-go-round that moves faster and faster, so fast that you’ve missed the moment where you could have jumped off and survived the fall with only a few bumps and bruises.

  “Carter, I love Harper. I always have.”

  The look on his face is distraught, his pain all too real and his heart breaking.

  I inadvertently knock his wine glass over, spilling it on his white shirt, now stained red, dripping onto the floor like drops of blood.

  “Jesus, Seraphina,” he shouts, standing up, filled with rage and fury just blazing at me, his whole body coiled as if he is ready to strike. All of it reminds me of the night I was attacked.

  My mind flashes, the echo of footsteps; again my heart is pounding. The pain that comes in quick cuts and the force of the blows. Violence is hell, sharp like razor blades.

  I’m energy and light, free from the pain, coursing through my body. I recede into a jigsaw puzzle of noises and fragmented images, now stored in the hard drive of my memory. I can taste the blood in my mouth.

  It has been such a strange and tiring day. It must be my anxiety about Harper’s disappearance triggering the flashbacks.

  Carter senses my fear and gathers his emotions, although something is still smoldering beneath the surface. He takes his shirt off, still wet with wine. His eyes are fixed on me, letting me see his strength and dominance and the chiseled lines of his stomach.

  I think of his body on me; our sex was always charged with an electric tension, like wild animals, intense and primitive. As if the spirit of war flows through Carter, deep within his soul.

  I notice he has a single teardrop tattoo on his back. I’ve never seen it before. I’m disconnected. My chest is heavy. I fight to breathe.

  I can hear that voice again inside my head, just barely a whisper, saying, “It’s too late to be out in the dark alone. What a mess you are. What a mess you will be.”

  “Your tattoo, does it mean something?” I say, pointing to it, giving me time to collect my thoughts and to calm my fears before they overwhelm me.

  “My mother and I were very close. I was devastated when she chose to take her own life. She had so much to live for. The teardrop reminds me of that loss,” he says.

  “Oh, my God. I’m so sorry.”

  “I’m just kidding. You should have seen the look on your face. I got drunk one night in Vegas and woke up with it,” he says with a grin.

  He laughs, that same blend of charm, tension, and evil wit to defuse his sharp edges.

  I laugh, an uncomfortable laugh. I don’t trust him.

  This is all a game to him. He enjoys keeping me off balance. Carter is in an awful mood tonight, his darkness on display. I have seen his cruelty and misogyny before. He likes to push me to the edge. It throws him into some sort of perverted ecstasy. He is intoxicated by the imbalance of power.

  From the kitchen, the teapot on the stove starts to scream, and I jump. Carter goes to the kitchen to get my tea.

  I try calling Harper but still get no answer. I send a text to Jacob. I need help.

  Carter comes back and sits down quietly.

  He says, “I’ve got all of this, Seraphina. The one thing I haven’t been able to have is you. I want for us to finally be a family. Sky is beautiful and strong, you know. Just like you,” Carter says, standing above me with a kettle of steaming hot water.

  My anxiety rising. It’s been hours since I’ve slept, my legs are shaky. I can’t keep running and hiding. I can’t think rationally. I just need to think.

  I try to make up an excuse.

  “I have to call home and check on the baby.”

  I dial Harper’s number again as I walk. It goes to voice mail. I text. Help me. Where are you?

  I have no idea where I’m going. I just keep walking down the hall and opening doors. I reach for my gun. My mind is spinning, flashing back to my nightmares. The door takes me into the study. In a glass case, I see hunting knives, ammunition, and guns. I run my fingers over the glass; my eyes rest on the arrows and spears.

  From behind me comes his voice: “Silly girl, you’re lost. It’s just a hobby. Don’t let it frighten you.”

  I keep walking and find the bathroom. I shut the door behind me. It’s clean and modern, like the rest of the house. It feels more like a sterile hospital room. I’m pacing, trying to think straight. I need to come up with a plan. Carter must sense my fear. I need to get out of the house.

  I look in the mirror, tracing the lines of my jagged scar. For me, perfect doesn’t exist; it’s unreal, bland and untouchable.

  My reflection is darker, with broken pieces exposed, raw and fused together, the same ones that have brought my life into sharper focus.

  These are the scars that drive me forward, a constant reminder that I’m a survivor.

  My mind is spinning. The flashbacks layer one on top of the other, burying me with the weight of it. I think of Sky, and I hear a whisper, “Hickory dickory dock, the mouse ran up the clock.”

  I call Belle and he answers on the first ring.

  “Seraphina, I’ve been trying to reach you. Harper’s missing.” His voice is overly anxious and eager to speak to me.

  “What happened?” My voice trembles.

  Belle says, “We don’t know. We will find him.”

  The slow drip of the memories flow, now a torrent of pain, tearing me into pieces. I hold back the tears. I need Carter to believe I am still in control. “Where are you, Seraphina?”

  “I’m in Montauk, with Carter.” My eyes are burning and my voice unsteady.

  “You know you are your own worst enemy. We told you to stay at home with Sky. Get out of that house. You are in danger.”

  Carter starts banging on the door, and I drop the phone and reach for my gun.

  “Come out now. We have to talk,” he says, still throwing his full weight against the door. I can see it start to give.

  “I can explain everything,” he says, breaking through the door.

  I’m frozen with fear.

  I can see his face behind me. As I turn my head to look in the mi
rror, he kisses me, and his hands travel up my body. He takes my gun away, putting it out of my reach.

  He says, “She’s mine. Isn’t she? Sky is my child. You have no right to keep her from me. I told you I wasn’t ready to let you go. I warned you.”

  I remember now, screaming without sound. His body crushing me.

  “I love you, Seraphina. I’m sorry. I was angry when you left me, so quickly and for no good reason. I hired someone to hurt you, but he wasn’t supposed to hurt you that badly.”

  Something wooden, heavy as a baseball bat, cracks my skull. No more pain.

  The images are coming back to me. I remember hearing a man sobbing. Begging. Moaning. Dragging.

  “Just enough so that you would come back to me. That way, I could take care of you and be the hero. And I did. I picked you up. I put you back together again. I’m so sorry. He wasn’t supposed to rape you. I had to kill him. I saved you. I’ve always wanted to protect you. That child is mine.”

  I let the rage fill me up and flow through me, giving me purpose and strength to fight and win.

  My mind is clear and ready now. I focus on the moment, staying calm and breathing, sharp and focused.

  “What is this loyalty you have to your husband? He cheated on you. He thinks you’re crazy. He’s made everyone around you think you are insane and an unfit mother. Nobody will believe you.”

  “What did you do to Harper?” I ask as I slam my elbow into his neck, knocking the wind out of him. He falls backward onto a glass shelf, shattering it into pieces.

  I still can’t get to my gun, so I put my hands up in front of me, ready to fight.

  I say, “It’s not Harper. It’s you. You have been behind all of this. You were watching me from that boat. You made me think I was going crazy. You almost destroyed everything, my life and my marriage.”

  He smiles and puts his hand up to his eyebrow, shocked to see that I’ve made him bleed.

  “It’s nice to see you fight back this time, not just lie there like you did that night. It’s much more interesting this way,” he says.

  Carter is on his feet now, using his shoulder and charging into me, snapping his head forward, toward the bridge of my nose, splitting it open.

  I’m not fast enough, and the blow delivers a burning pain in my head. I fall backward, reaching for something to grab as I go down.

  I repeat, “What have you done to Harper?”

  “You’re such an ungrateful bitch and so naive. You’re also a horrible mother. You were stupid enough to let a stranger into your house to install a security system. That’s right. Remember Johnny. He should be at your house right now. You can’t win. He’s just waiting for one word from me and you will never see your family again. Maybe you’re just a stupid whore like the rest of them,” he says, and then he’s on top of me, his hands around my neck, and I’m choking.

  I have to make him think I’ve given up. I let all of the color drain from my face.

  “This is all your fault. If you’d just stayed with me, we wouldn’t be in this position. That is my child, and I want to help you raise her. I want for us all to finally be a family. Please, Seraphina. I love you.”

  In my mind, I hear Jacob saying, “A strike to the eyes can disable an opponent who is choking you, quickly and effectively.”

  My head spins, and my mouth fills with blood. I am not weak. I will not give up. I will fight back.

  I pluck at his eyes with my fingers. Carter’s gaze falls upon me, and my blood runs cold. Without his colored lenses, his eyes are different colors, one watery, black like a vulture’s eye, and one blue. My mind flashes back to my nightmares and I’m staring into the eyes of a madman. I make up my mind to win and to rid myself of his gaze forever.

  “I guess it’s time you see the real me,” Carter says, his mouth twisting into an evil smile. “I’m completely blind in one eye. My father was a chemist. This is what happens when you play with poison.”

  Poison. My senses are heightened. My mind is on overload. Carter is a killer and a sociopath. He is responsible for the murders of Brooke Beck and Jessa Dante. He is behind all of these murders. He camouflaged his crime with a corpse that night in Boston, but he is the killer. I wasn’t sure how many women he had raped and murdered. He’s speaking to me now, but I can’t hear anything. The world’s gone dark again, black as the vulture that’s been circling above me. Black as the night I was attacked.

  For a second, I’m dazed by the ferocity of the attack, and then I realize blood is trickling down my forehead into my eyes. My head is throbbing and I think I’m going to be sick. He ties a rope around my waist and drags me toward the bed. I’m lying down, groaning in pain, like an animal. He’s leaves me in the dark.

  I struggle to break free, and in the process, I knock over a lit candle on his nightstand and watch as the flame crawls along the floor and up the curtains.

  I reach for my gun, but he kicks it further away. “You should be thanking me for getting rid of Harper. He just wanted you for your money.”

  “That’s not true. You’ve been making me think I’m crazy. You sent Jessa. You’re behind all of this. Where is Harper?”

  “Harper did this to himself. He’s always been so obsessed with truth and justice. It clouds his judgment. He deserves a trial. Although we all know he’s guilty until proven innocent.”

  I’m stunned. The fire is edging closer, and I can’t hold back my tears.

  “Have you ever heard of the Skull Club. They also believe in truth and justice.”

  “I’m going to ask you one more time. Where is Harper? I’ll never choose you. I hate you, Carter. You will never have me or my family.”

  “He was given an alkaloid poison, eserine. The effect is similar to nerve gas. It’s a horrible way to die, but eventually his heart will just stop beating. Isn’t that poetic? Your Romeo will die of a broken heart. Without me, you’re left with nothing, Seraphina. I can give you the world. I have money and power. All I want is you. You have to make the right choice, or I promise, I’ll destroy you.”

  “I don’t need you or your protection. You’re the devil, Carter.”

  “And you’re an ungrateful whore.”

  “Your mother didn’t commit suicide and it wasn’t an accident. Was it? You poisoned her. And you killed Brooke Beck and Jessa to frame Harper. How many other women have you murdered?”

  “You can’t win. I’ll never let you go.”

  Carter is hurt badly; blood runs from his eye. He tries to get to his feet but falls back down.

  “I’ll go to the police. I’ll take out a restraining order.”

  “Nobody will believe you. They all think you’re crazy. I’ve made sure of that. You didn’t help with all of your drinking and the medication. You won’t get a restraining order, and you will never get to be a mother. It’s a good deal. Take it, and no one will ever know. With Harper out of the way, we can finally live happily ever after.”

  My blood is rising, and the adrenaline takes over. I’m soaring. Again I hear Jacob’s voice: “Own the moment. Fight to win. You will not be a victim.”

  I imagine the fire engulfing Carter, dragging him down as he falls into the depths of hell.

  “You’re right. We will be happy together. We’ll be a family. You, me, and Sky.”

  He can’t see anything. He moans loudly. I edge closer to the gun.

  “I love you Carter. I always have.”

  I feel my fingers wrap around the coldness of the steel grip.

  I have six bullets and I fire each one at his head. The smoke and fire are rising up around me. I run down the steps, out the front door, and into the night air. My whole body is trembling, bloody and weak.

  I keep running, and it feels like time is crawling, with the chaos of the waves crashing and the lighthouse in the distance; all sound and no picture.

  I turn
back finally to see the house engulfed in flames. The blood-red sky slashed with dark clouds of gray smoke. The flames rise higher, scorching the hollowed-out darkness at the center.

  The whole Montauk sky is lit up like fireworks on the Fourth of July.

  For me, for the first time, I feel safe, now firmly anchored to the earth, like the boats in the harbor.

  All along, I believed the world was a dark place, filled with things to fear and hide from, one that I was forced to face alone.

  I realize now, as I watch my nightmares turn to ash, that the light was there all along, just hidden from me by the darkness of what happened that night in Boston.

  I have the truth, and my mind feels free and clear. There are no more shadows on the horizon.

  By the time the emergency crew arrives, the house is nothing more than dust and glowing embers.

  I close my eyes and everything slowly fades to black.

  And all I can see in front of me is Harper with a bright and radiant Sky.

  Acknowledgment

  I am grateful to the following people for their help and support:

  To my husband, my rock for reading and editing every draft and for his love and passion.

  And to my daughter, Caylin, and my son, Logan, your love is my everything.

  To my mother, my earth angel, for her endless capacity to love and support my dreams.

  And to my father for his love and strength, who taught me the value of hard work, leading by example.

  To Ken, thank you for your friendship and support.

  To Michelle Raimo, Meryl Poster and Arianna Huffington, trailblazing women who believe and continue to inspire me.

  To Deb, Stacey, Lisa and Alison, for their love and laughter, and often yanking me back to real life.

  I am eternally grateful to Dr. Ned Hallowell, a friend and mentor, who helps so many find a safe place in the world.

 

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