“What is she supposed to eat while you’re out gallivanting about like a carefree teenager? Jesus, Perri, how irresponsible can you be?”
“Don’t you dare question my motives toward my own child; I love my daughter. I would never neglect her as long as I have breath in my body.”
“Yet here you stand without any food for her on hand. Maybe you’re the one who should be kept away from Imani.”
“She does too have food,” Perri insisted, scared she may never comfort her baby again. Her arms ached to hold Imani as she struggled against the tears warring for release.
“So you lied yet again. Just give me the bottle, Perri, because I’m losing patience with you.”
“For the last time, I cannot give you the bottle, Barrington. You’re the one being difficult. Just give me my daughter so I can feed her,” Perri shouted not caring who heard her. And the only reason she had not cursed his butt slap out by now is because six months ago she’d gotten saved and she’d cut out cursing altogether. However, if Barrington didn’t stop tap dancing on her nerves she was going to break her vow, bless him out real good, and repent afterward.
“Come on guys,” Journey intervened, “people are starting to stare. You both need to just calm down right now.” She turned to Barrington. “Let Perri have Imani so she can eat because she’s way past her feeding time.” Seeing he was about to protest she added, “Barrington, there are some things only a mommy has the capability of doing.”
Barrington opened his mouth then closed it when it dawned on him what Journey meant. Remembering how Imani had instantly turned her head to the side and latched onto his finger, he looked at Perri, seeing her in a new light. His anger at her was replaced by open admiration, mixed with a sense of possessive pride that his woman would do that for his child.
“You breastfeed her?” he asked and smiled affectionately.
Perri ignored the only smile powerful enough to render her legs weak. “Yes.”
There he had stood outright accusing her of neglecting their child when she’d chosen to do the most natural and healthy thing by breastfeeding Imani. Barrington was pleasantly surprised, especially since Perri was only twenty-two now. He didn’t think anyone that young would even consider making such a sacrifice. Then again, Perri had never been vain; she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever met inside and out.
“Baby, I’m so sorry.” Barrington felt like a fool. “I didn’t know.”
Perri’s heart melted. “It’s okay; you had no way of knowing, right?”
Instead of responding, Barrington tenderly kissed Imani on the forehead. “Daddy will be right here when you finish nursing, Cupcake,” he whispered in her ear and handed her to her mommy.
Fresh tears filled Perri’s eyes; still she refused to let them fall, holding tight to her daughter.
Barrington caught a glimpse of her glossy eyes. “Don’t worry, Perri, we’ll work it out.”
Unable to speak, Perri nodded and headed for the nearest restroom to nurse their daughter.
Chapter Six
Continuing to watch long after they disappeared from his view, Barrington was in a state of shock to find out he had a beautiful daughter with the beautiful woman he’d never been able to forget. He’d tried over the past year or so to forget Perri, move on with his life. He really did. Being a musician on tour nine months out of the year, he’d definitely had plenty of opportunities to receive help in forgetting the unforgettable Perri Tania Milan. Seeing her only confirmed what his heart knew all along: Perri was made for him to love; he knew now he would always love her.
Barrington recalled how happy and outspoken Perri had been back then. He’d never forgotten the day they admitted they were in love. It was the same night they became lovers. Perri was unsure of herself as a woman and yet she’d willingly entrusted her body in his care for safekeeping. He’d been so proud to be the first and only man she’d been with. Even before that he’d fallen for her hard. All too soon he was ready to make her a permanent part of his life; had even purchased an engagement ring, fully intent on asking her to be his wife.
Though Barrington could hardly believe this watered-down version of the Perri he once knew, he couldn’t deny she was a different woman. The woman he knew her to be would never have deceived him, and certainly not this long. He was angry with her and probably would be for a long time to come. But she was the mother of his only child and as much as he hated to admit it she’d done a decent job of taking care of Imani. It was clear she loved their daughter and from the possessive streak she displayed, Perri was not going to willingly share Imani’s love with him.
As if it happened yesterday, the pain of Perri’s absence was fresh in his heart. On their last night together she was open and uninhibited with him. Just like that, it all changed. She changed and he had never been able to figure out what had caused her to give up on him. If only he understood what happened to make her stop wanting them maybe it would all make sense. She had once trusted him enough to give him her body. Why couldn’t she have been that trusting before she decided to end things? Instead, she cut him out of her life without talking to him first. He was convinced they could have worked through it, whatever it was, had she just come to him.
Perri left him to wonder what had caused her to stop loving him. He tried filling the pain of her rejection with work and music and tours and, yes, women. Nothing worked then to replace the love he felt for her. Now here they were more than a year later, and she still had the effect of rendering him breathless just as she did the very first time he saw her. He wondered if it would ever stop hurting.
He swore under his breath. He and Perri were a thing of the past along with all the hurt she caused him. Imani was his present not to mention his future. As his seed, she would be the one to carry on the Knight name; and he fully intended on leaving her a legacy she would always be proud to claim. As her father, he owed her that. Being with his daughter here and now was all that mattered. His life would be entwined with Perri for one reason: to get to know his baby girl and for her to get to know him as her daddy. Her mother was just going to have to find a way to deal with it because she was done cheating him out of his rightful place in his daughter’s life. Perri was definitely different. To look at her you’d never know that she’d given birth. Barrington smiled, knowing she hadn’t just given birth to any baby; but to his baby. That made him feel proud inside like he’d accomplished a goal he didn’t even know he wanted to attempt; yet here he was feeling every bit the proud papa, his chest was stuck on swollen.
Barrington recalled their last night together when he’d stupidly forgot to wear a condom. He was once again sorry he hadn’t been more careful where his sweet Perri was concerned. Mostly, he was just glad that she apparently didn’t blame him; more importantly, she didn’t hate him because of his selfishness. He felt sure that she knew it was not an intentional act on his part to ruin her young life. Then all too quickly, reality came rushing back and he longed to touch Perri; hold her in his arms that were made for only her. As much as he’d tried to forget her, Perri was in his blood. No other woman would be able to take her place because that residency would always belong to the only love of his life. It didn’t matter if she was in agreement or not. He was sure enough for the both of them.
He had to admit that being a well-known R&B artist did nothing to keep him from feeling lonely inside; like something important was missing in his life. Now that he thought about it, for the first time in a long time that empty feeling was not there. And since the only reason he came to the mall in the first place was so he wouldn’t have to think or feel for a little while, he could only contribute the fact that the void was finally filled to Perri and now Imani, too. The daughter they shared. The daughter he never knew he had until today. There was more than just an emotional bond between him and Perri. Now there was a physical bond between them; proof of their shared love for one another. Perri could act as cold as she wanted toward him. Barrington knew in her heart she stil
l had mad love for him. He could feel it in his soul.
Barrington had every intention of being an active father in his daughter’s life. And no matter how much Perri protested—because she absolutely would—he had no intention of letting her get away from him a second time. Especially not knowing what went wrong between them the first time when she, without a second thought, walked away from him.
“Are you okay, all things considered?” Journey couldn’t help feeling sorry for Barrington.
“Considering I just met my daughter?” he asked not sure what he felt. Forcing a smile he knew didn’t meet his eyes, he said, “Yeah, I’m fine.” The lie was to comfort her because he could see the guilt in her eyes tormenting her for the part she played in Perri’s deceitful plan. There was no hope to comfort him, but knew he didn’t have time to feel sorry for himself now.
Journey knew a lie when she heard one but decided not to call him to the carpet. She nodded.
“How have they been, Journey?” he asked with a shrug. “You know, all things considered.”
“They have been doing great considering Perri’s a single mom.” Journey raised her hand to his forthcoming comment, “And I know that’s not your fault; but you asked me how they were doing and that’s the only fair way I know to explain it. Perri’s great with her and Imani has almost everything she could want or need.”
“Except knowledge of and access to her father,” Barrington stated matter of fact. “And don’t be trying to take up for Perri’s lack of consideration for me, because where my child is concerned almost doesn’t count. I’m surprised she can even sleep at night with all the dirt she’s done this past year.”
Journey could understand his anger. But Perri was her best friend and she’d watched her go to hell and back because of loving this man. She wanted to tell him his hostility was uncalled for. Instead, she told him, “Perry can speak for herself; but I can tell you Imani’s not lacking in the love department.”
“That makes Perri keeping me in the dark about Imani okay?”
“Not okay, Barrington; but—”
“She was not going to tell me, Journey,” he angrily cut her off. “I realize she’s your friend. I respect that. But I don’t care what you say; you can defend her actions until the cows come home. Bottom line is this,” Barrington said. “There is no excuse for what she did to me and Imani.” He shook his head, feeling the hurt of Perri’s betrayal all over again. “So don’t expect me to stand here and agree that Imani’s not lacking in the love department when Perri didn’t even invite me to be part of her circle of love.”
Journey’s heart went out to the man. “For what it’s worth; she did want to tell you.”
“That’s not worth a good damn to me at the moment considering she never bothered to contact me. They got phones in every damn state, Journey; she could have taken five minutes to pick up one and call me.” The more Barrington thought about it the more pissed off he became at Perri all over again. He felt like making her hurt as much, if not more than she’d hurt him. And she need not think he’d forgotten how she just bounced out of his life as quick as she’d entered it; no way was he about to allow her to do the same thing to him with his daughter.
Barrington refused to even let his mind take him back to that painful period of his life; this was a new day with a brand new chapter and he intended to write the ending he wanted. If Perri did not want to be part of that story that was her business; but he was not about to stand in the shadows and watch while she brought his daughter up as a single mom in a one parent household. It simply was not going to happen. Not on his watch!
“It’s been over a year and because of Perri’s selfishness I’ve missed the first precious months of my daughter’s life. Time I can’t get back; not to mention I was cheated out of the experience of witnessing her grand entrance into the world. All of us only get one physical birth. Perri made damn sure I missed out on seeing Imani’s”
There was nothing Journey could say to that but she wished she could for Perri.
Barrington smiled in spite of himself. “I bet my girl was a sight to behold.”
Knowing he meant his daughter, Journey smiled and confirmed, “That she was.”
“Were there any complications with her birth?” Barrington hated to ask because he should already know the answer.
“Not one. She was a healthy and loud six pound five ounce, twenty-two inches long, bouncing baby girl.”
They laughed.
“That’s good.” Barrington watched a teenage couple walk past them, reminding him of what he had and lost. “What about Perri?” he asked but resented the fact that he cared to know. “Was she scared?”
Journey chuckled. “I think her scare period was the first six months. By the last three months she was ready to, and I quote, ‘get this girl out of me’ end quote.”
Barrington laughed out loud totally able to envision Perri saying that.
When Journey was able to stop laughing, she said, “Seriously, man, our girl did great. You’d have been proud of her, Barrington. You know Perri for all her talk, she didn’t complain once during the labor.”
“No?” Now that Barrington had a hard time believing, especially after hearing his mother’s labor stories.
“Un-hun. She got her release by squeezing the living daylights out of my hand.”
Barrington chuckled.
“Yeah, man; I’m telling you Perri had my hand numb.” She laughed, too. “I’ll tell you what though; as excited as she was no one would have known Perri was going through the whole birthing process as a single mom.” Journey smiled. “She loved Imani from the moment she knew she was carrying her.”
Barrington nodded, feeling a wave of envy that Journey got to see it all and jealousy because he knew it should have been him in that labor room coaching Perri through every step in order to get their precious daughter here for both of them to share and enjoy the beauty and joy her life no doubt would bring to each of them. It should have been his hand Perri squeezed until it was numb. Forcing himself to remember that now he could create some beautiful memories of his own where his daughter was concerned, he swallowed his pride.
“I feel you.” Barrington grew silent in thought. “If I’d only known . . .” he said to no one in particular.
“And if you had, Barrington. Would things really be so different now?”
“I’d like to think so, Journey.”
“But you don’t know for sure do you, Barrington?”
“I guess not,” he answered honestly.
“Everything happens for a reason.” Journey shrugged. “Maybe the real reason that brought you out to the mall today is the same reason that brought Perri here. Because it’s finally time for the two of you to come on one accord where Imani is concerned and raise your daughter together; even if it is in separate homes.”
“Maybe,” was all Barrington offered as he compared this particular Perri to the former one he’d previously known; it blew his mind how she’d changed in a major way. “My baby’s different now,” he stated, unsure of how to approach her.
“You’re always going to see Perri as yours, aren’t you?”
“What do you think?”
“That you two need to stop being so silly and have a serious one-on-one conversation.”
“You know your girl’s too complicated to agree to a simple conversation with me.”
“I won’t touch that one.” Journey raised her hands. “Why do you say she’s different now?”
“You know what I mean, Journey. Before Perri would always pout if she didn’t get her way, but now . . .” he stopped not sure how to explain it.
“What about now?” Journey encouraged Barrington to finish his thoughts.
He shrugged. “She’s seasoned now. More refined, I think is what I’m saying.” He thought a moment longer. “Or maybe I’m trying to say she’s too damn guarded. Oh, hell, I don’t know how to describe her now. She’s just different, you know.”
Journey
laughed. “Yeah, the Lord will do that for you.”
“The Lord?” he repeated robotically. Her comment sank in and his mouth fell open. “You mean Perri’s . . . she’s religious now?”
Laughing, Journey corrected, “No, not religious. Perri’s saved; about six months now. But that’s her testimony so I’ll let her tell it.”
“Wow,” Barrington said. “A lot has happened since I last saw her then.” He wasn’t sure how he felt about Perri being a ‘church girl’ now. But he supposed as far as her being the mother of his only child, having Jesus was a good thing. It just wasn’t for him. Not that he couldn’t use some Jesus; according to his mother everyone needed him and that was the reason why folks have an empty void that can’t be filled unless it’s Jesus who fills it. Still, Barrington just was not at the point of surrendering his all to someone he could not even lay his eyes on. Regardless of his feelings he did want to hear Perri’s testimony. Who knows? Maybe it would help draw him in.
Feeling the need to change the subject, Journey said, “How long have you guys been home and when are you going back on the road?”
Barrington chuckled. “We’ve been home for two days and we’re scheduled to leave two weeks from now; unless something comes up. You know how that goes.” He winked at her. “Since I know you’re dying to ask about Crush, I’ll just go ahead and tell you he’s good, too.”
Journey sighed and rolled her eyes. “I’m not even sweating him. In fact, until you brought him up I hadn’t thought of him in God knows when,” she lied knowing she still had it bad for the only man she’d ever loved; but who refused to give his heart to any woman though he gave his body to many women.
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