If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1)

by Johnson, C. A.

  “So, what do you say, Barrington? You want me to call in the order?”

  “Yeah, go ahead and do that. Be there shortly.”

  Relief flooded her heart. “See you in a few.”

  “All right, baby.”

  “Be careful okay, Barrington?”

  He grinned. “Didn’t we already have this conversation?”

  “Yeah, but I needed to say it again. So just take care of you.”

  “Always, baby.” He flipped his phone shut and continued to smile as he thought, she does still care for me.

  ***

  How did you get your name, Barrington?

  “Wow, that’s random.” Barrington laughed out loud almost embarrassed to relay the reason for his name. “Ma’s favorite show growing up was The Brady Bunch; she was crazy in love with and had a major crush on Greg Brady. His real name is Barry Williams; she said she promised herself that if she ever had a son she’d name him Barrington and nickname him Barry.”

  Perri was laughing so hard tears were streaming down her beautiful face and Barrington laughed right along with her mainly because to him she was a beautiful sight to behold.

  “Is that how Crush got his name, because your mother had a crush on Greg Brady aka Barry Williams?”

  Barrington lowered his head laughing out loud and nodding his head, “Yep. What can I say, Perri; Ma was a typical sixties white teenage girl.”

  They laughed and picked for five more minutes about the origin of various names.

  “This food tastes better than I remember,” Barrington remarked.

  Perri grabbed a napkin, wiping tartar sauce from his chin. “How long has it been?”

  “It's been a minute,” he admitted, popping a hush puppy in his mouth. “Most times I’m home I’m running here and there, trying to play b-ball with my boys.” Picking up his drink, he watched her acknowledge with a nod. “Then there’s family and you know how hometown folks are; they think you trying to be funny if you don’t go see them.”

  Perri laughed, watching him drink from his straw. Tickled, she laughed harder.

  About to place his glass back on the coffee table, Barrington stopped midair. Confusion was evident on his face as he asked, “Did I miss something?” When Perri did nothing more than laugh, he said impatiently, “What’s so funny?”

  She raised a brow. “Man, you know you can always go in the kitchen and get something else to drink. You don’t have to suck the bottom out of that cup.”

  “Guess I am acting like it’s the last time I’m gonna get something to drink.” He laughed. “But hey, it is my favorite,” he defended himself.

  “I know. Pink lemonade is at the top of your A list.”

  “Yeah, baby, you remember. So you know how much I love this stuff.”

  “I also remember you got me hooked on the pink stuff too.” She laughed.

  “Come on, Perri. You know pink lemonade is the bomb,” Barrington boasted.

  “It’s all right, I guess. Me, I’m a tea and Pepsi girl all the way.”

  “Tea is all right. Pepsi is okay. Now pink lemonade, girl, I can live off this stuff.” Taking another long and noisy sip from his straw, he said, “That’s why I always make sure to take plenty with me on the road.”

  “Oh, you do not.” She laughed. He didn’t crack a smile, she said, “You do?”

  “You sound surprised.”

  Thinking about it, she mused, “Pink lemonade, huh?”

  “I don’t share it, either.” He laughed.

  She wasn’t sure she believed him. “And that’s what you long for on the road?”

  Barrington didn’t have to think about it, “When you can’t have what you want, you work with what you got.” Waiting for her reaction, his grin was long as a country mile. “I would take you along, Perri, but . . .”

  He let the comment float in the air between them.

  Perri simply grunted refusing to touch that loaded comment.

  Picking up her hand, he played with it. “You saying you wouldn’t go with me?”

  She didn’t pause to think, “Not even if you got down on all fours and begged.”

  “Damn, Perri.” He laughed. “That’s cold.”

  “That’s the truth.”

  “So, you saying you wouldn’t even pretend to consider my offer?”

  “No, I wouldn’t. No.”

  “So, what you’re saying is there wouldn’t be one part of you, even a small inkling that would be tempted to go on the road with me?”

  “Not even half way. No.”

  Barrington couldn’t believe it. “No way at all, Perri?”

  Her sigh was long and deep. “What part of not interested don’t you understand?”

  He looked at her long and hard. “You really have changed.”

  Oh my God, Perri thought, he’s actually pouting!

  After several more minutes, Barrington let her hand drop. “To be perfectly honest, Perri, I don’t understand this new you at all,” he announced. He frowned as he rubbed a hand down his chin. He glanced around the living room, wishing Cupcake was awake.

  Perri couldn’t believe he was pouting. She continued to study him as he managed to look everywhere except at her. She could feel the anger rolling off him in waves and marveled how well he tried to contain it. Only, he should have known better than to think she wouldn’t call him to the carpet on it. “Barrington, you can’t really be surprised that I’d feel that way.”

  Glaring at her, he disagreed, “Yes I can, Perri. And I am.” He was adamant.

  Thinking this was going to be good, she challenged, “Why?”

  “Why you need to know why? It’s not like you gonna change your mind.”

  “You mad.” She burst out laughing.

  “You damn right I’m mad.” Watching her laugh at him, Barrington tried to keep his temper in check. “I’d like to know what you find amusing?” he asked when he could take it no longer.

  “You,” she said as if that explained it all.

  “What about me, Perri?” His tone was harsher than he meant it to be.

  She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly. “Forget it, Barrington.”

  “No, let’s not forget it, Perri.”

  “I think we should.”

  “Well, I don’t want to. I want you to tell me why you think I’m so funny.” When she didn’t answer, he folded his arms over his chest and said impatiently, “I take back what I said earlier. You haven’t completely changed; you’re still the same spoiled brat you were every time you didn’t get your way.”

  Perri studied his movements as if fascinated. “I’m not the one pouting, am I?”

  He glared at her for a full five minutes while she in turn ignored him, avoiding his question and his gaze altogether.

  Barrington suddenly stood up walking toward Imani’s room. “I’m going to sit with my daughter a while,” he called out without looking back to get Perri’s approval.

  An hour passed. Then two more hours passed. Barrington still had not come back to the living room. Curious as to why, thinking he may have fallen asleep, Perri tiptoed to Imani’s room and peeked inside.

  Tears burned the back of her eyes as she listened to Barrington go on and on to Imani about how sorry he was he missed out on so much of her life and, how it wasn’t his fault, and if he’d had his way he would have never been away from her for longer than the time it took for him to complete his tour.

  Knowing he was trying to keep his emotions in check for their daughter’s sake, Perri heard the veiled anger in his voice, but more than that, she heard the hurt. Hearing the sadness in his voice she could tell Barrington was crying from the thick emotion clouding his tone. She bit back a sob, feeling that she was the source of his pain. That only succeeded in pissing her off, simply because she felt like he was trying to turn their daughter against her. It didn’t matter that Imani wasn’t old enough to understand what he was saying, because all her focus seemed to be centered on how angry he was making her. He was the
one who left her, for Pete’s sake. He didn’t hear her whining to Imani about that. So what gave him the right?

  “Cupcake, Daddy is gonna make up for lost time. I know it won’t be easy but I promise you somehow I will.” Barrington thought a moment. “Wouldn’t it be cool if you could join me on the road?” He laughed when his daughter cooed like she understood what he was saying. “Of course, Mommy wouldn’t like that very much. In fact, between you and me, baby girl, I’m sure it would make her sad and that would make us sad. Wouldn’t it?” He tickled Imani under her chin and brought her to rest against his chest where she clung to him like a second skin.

  “But you know what, Cupcake, Daddy would much rather take you on the road over pink lemonade any day,” he whispered. “Now, that’s our secret, okay.” He kissed her forehead, inhaling her baby powder scent as he gently rubbed her back and rocked her in his arms.

  In that moment, Barrington could almost understand how one parent could be driven to the point of abducting their own child. Though he would never consider going to that extreme, never again could he point an accusing finger at one who did without feeling like a hypocrite himself.

  Unable to stand there eavesdropping another second without busting in on him and taking a chance on scaring her daughter, Perri quickly turned and hurried back down the hall. All the while she knew Barrington wasn’t going like her very much after tonight because she intended to let him have it no sooner than he stepped foot back into the living room.

  Chapter Thirteen

  “Is Imani okay?” Perri asked when Barrington returned to the living room.

  “She’s fine, Perri. And she’s gonna stay that way,” he promised.

  Perri started to say something but decided against it.

  Barrington took a seat on the cushion next to her and leaned forward. Thinking about the best way to handle his next course of action, he sighed heavily when he’d decided what to do. “Perri, why don’t I stay over tonight?”

  “That’s not a good idea, Barrington.”

  “How about you give me one good reason why not?”

  “How about you don’t piss me off?” she glared at him. “I’m serious, Barrington.”

  “Oh, like I’m not?” he rolled his eyes. “You always have to have your way.”

  Rolling her eyes even harder, she complained, “Why don’t you just leave it alone, Barrington. Geez! Makes me wish I hadn’t even taken pity on you and let you come over here tonight. Seems to me we’d have both been better off if you’d just gone on home instead; I knew this was a huge mistake on my part.” She ignored the hurt in his eyes. “You really know how to spoil a good moment.”

  “And you certainly know how to deliver a powerful punch with words.”

  “Lay off me, Barrington,” she warned. “Why do you always have to pick a fight with me?”

  “Why do you always have to be so defensive?”

  “Why are you always asking stupid questions?”

  “Why are you always avoiding the answers?”

  “I’m not avoiding anything.”

  “Except the issues you don’t want to address.”

  “Because I don’t have any,” she denied. “You’re the one who can’t take no for an answer.”

  “Oh, you don’t have any issues, Perri?” He glared at her. “Are you not the one with a problem admitting your true feelings about us?”

  “What true feelings? I’m sure I don’t know what you’re talking about. The way I see it, you’re reaching for false hope, and I’m just trying to let you know you’re wasting your time. So what are you talking about?”

  “I’m talking about you, Perri, and your uncanny way of avoiding any conversation that reminds you of how good it used to be between me and you.” He shook his head. “Why is that?”

  “It’s because that’s the way you choose to see it.”

  “Wrong answer, try again.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Tell the truth, Perri.”

  “You’re insane.”

  “And you’re a liar.”

  “I have not lied to you one time since you found out about Imani.”

  “Withholding the truth is still a lie. You, Perri, are guilty of committing a lie of omission concerning your love for me. It’s still there; you still feel it. Just because you mad at me didn’t erase your love for me. You continue to deny it to yourself and to me. That makes you a liar.”

  “You need to leave now, Barrington. And take your false assumptions with you.”

  “See what I mean,” he said as if that summed it all up.

  “No. But I will see you to the door.”

  He grabbed her arm when she tried to brush past him, “Classic example of you attempting to avoid the truth again.”

  “Trumped up truth is more like it,” she muttered.

  Cupping a hand on his ear, Barrington said, “What was that? I didn’t hear you.”

  “This is not the truth. This, Barrington, is your poorly misguided attempt at hoping for something that’s not going to happen.”

  “So you keep saying.”

  “And I’ll keep on saying it for as long as you try to keep hope alive.”

  He shrugged. “What’s wrong with hope? Sometimes that’s all a man has to keep him going. There’s nothing wrong with hope, Perri.”

  “No there isn’t,” she agreed, “except when it’s false.”

  “Who says it false?”

  “Not who says it’s false, Barrington. It’s more like what says it’s false.”

  “What?”

  “The situation between us, Barrington; that’s what makes it false. The hope you’re holding out for you and me.”

  “And what hope might that be, Perri?”

  “You know.”

  “I’m not so sure I do. Why don’t you make it clear so there are no more misunderstandings?”

  “Hoping that you and I are gonna be more than friends. Hoping that I’ll just fall down at your feet and worship the ground you walk upon. Hoping Imani is going to be the tie forever binding us together. You know the hope, Barrington; the false hope. Falsely hoping that I’ll forget what you did to me, or at the very least that I’ll overlook what you did to me. But I got sad news for you. And though I do so hate to disappoint you, it’s not going to happen the way you want. I’m not falling back into you the way you would like me to. Read my lips, Barrington, hear me loud and clear when I tell you, it’s not going happen. Now put a period behind it and move on.”

  Barrington stared at her with a hateful coldness in his eyes. “Well, I’m sorry, Perri. But not everyone is as icy as you on the inside. Some of us actually think twice before we just up and bounce without so much as an explanation why. Some of us do care about other people’s feelings. And as much of a shock as this may come to you, Perri, there are even some of us who believe in staying, sticking it out in order to work it out.” He shook his head in disgust. “But I guess you wouldn’t know anything about that because when you’re as cold as you, staying never even crosses your mind and sticking it out is the last thing you would do, because of course, you don’t care to work it out. No, that would just be too much to ask of the great and perfect Perri Milan because she doesn’t need anyone since she has no issues of her own to deal with. Yeah, you’d rather take the easy and permanent way out. Right, Perri?”

  “I’m not gonna stand here, Barrington, going back and forth about this with you.”

  “I’m not gonna stand here, Perri, and have you accusing me of wrong doing when I’m totally not guilty of doing dirt.”

  They stood staring at each other wondering what was wrong with the other.

  “Is it really too much for you to believe me when I say it was never my intention for you to feel betrayed. It was never my intention for you to walk away. It was never my intention for us to end. No matter what, Perri, I love you, and it was never my intention to do anything to lose the love I know you felt for me. The love I know you still feel for me. I k
now it’s there, Perri. It may be somewhat buried beneath the rubble right now, but in my heart I know you still love me. I see it in your eyes. More importantly, I feel it in my soul. You love me, Perri Milan. Why can’t you admit it?”

  “Don’t do this, Barrington. Let’s just end this escapade right here and now.”

  “Perri, do I always have to pull everything out of you?” he chided her. “Why can’t you just be forthright with your feelings?”

  “I’m not asking you to ask me anything.”

  “I know that, Perri.”

  “So what’s the problem, Barrington?”

  “I’m trying to know you and you, stubborn as you are, just keep pushing me away. I wanna know why.”

  “You know all you need to know.”

  “In other words, you’re not going to let me in?”

  “I made that mistake once. Twice is too much to ask. Besides, you don’t have to beat me over the head with a baseball bat for me to know it’s going to hurt.”

  “Meaning what?”

  “I refuse to take that path with you again.”

  “And what path might that be?”

  “The one that leads to the land of destruction, the sea of hurt, the mountain of pain, the valley of heartache, and the torture of heartbreak; so on and so forth.”

  “And you’re so sure I’d lead you there?”

  “It wouldn’t surprise me. If I’d let you.”

  “Which you won’t, right?”

  “No, Barrington, I won’t. And frankly, I’m surprised you even had to ask that question.”

  “No more surprised than I am you think so little of me.”

  “I shouldn’t even really be surprised that you would think after everything that went down between us you can just walk back in my life and I’ll say ‘all is forgiven; you broke my heart but that’s okay, I forgive you anyway’ and yet here I stand not believing your nerve.” She couldn’t grasp the concept of him really expecting her to lie down and let him trample over her heart again. Is he crazy or was he just hoping I am? “Any opinion I have of you, whatever it may be, you have yourself to thank. And as far as how little or much is concerned, I could say the same thing about your treatment of me.”