The older woman softened her tone, seeing tears in her granddaughter’s eyes. That child always was precious to her heart; she was so fragile with her feelings. However, this time, Mattie refused to let Perri off the hook with a soft tap on the behind when she could clearly see concerning this here situation her granddaughter needed a swift kick in the behind, though she knew that, too, would be met with stubborn, rebellious pride, pure and simple.
“I'm scared, Madear,” Perri confessed on a sob.
Sitting at the table, taking her granddaughter's hand within hers, Mattie said, “What are you afraid of, child?”
“Losing my daughter, to him,” she whispered and sniffed.
“What kind of foolishness are you talking, Perri Tania Milan?”
Perri didn’t even know. She finally met her grandmother’s probing gaze, the love shone in her eyes granting her the courage to say what she was feeling. “I've never had to share my daughter, Madear. I don't want to share her now, either. I can’t even make it matter to me that Barrington's her father. I've been with her the longest. She doesn't know him,” she complained, though she knew it was unfair since she never told Barrington he was going to be a daddy in the first place. But doggone it, he knew they didn't use protection the last time they made love, so he at least knew it was a possibility she might be pregnant.
“Sugarplum, I adore you, but right now, I hate your selfish attitude,” Mattie firmly stated with a disdainful shake of her head, unable to wrap her brain around where her granddaughter was coming from. As if divining the strength to ask, she said, “Exactly what is it you think Barrington is gonna do to Imani other than bond with her? And since she is his biological daughter, that's completely understandable,” Mattie felt the need to say in Barrington's defense.
Perri swiped bitterly at the tears streaking her face. “And if he decides to take her from me?”
“Perri, the only thing I can see that man taking is you in his arms and kissing the foolishness out of you.” Mattie laughed at her own metaphor.
“I’m never letting that happen.”
“Once upon a time, you probably thought that very same thing.”
“No, Madear, I didn't. If I had I wouldn't be in this predicament now.”
“No, you wouldn't,” Mattie agreed. “If you had, by now, you'd be married to him because your curiosity, not to mention hormones, would have gotten the best of you,” she supposed with knowing smile.
Perri snorted. Then denied her summation altogether, telling her, “I don't possess a romantic bone in my body for the man now.”
“Girl, I'm too old not to see through your excuses for exactly what they are; a protective covering to shield your heart from once again being broken by the infamous yet unforgettable Barrington, the one and only love of your life romantically speaking.
Perri didn't care what she said, Madear didn't have a clue. “I don't ever plan on falling in love with that man again.”
Mattie laughed. “Then it's a good thing you don't have far to fall since that man never left his space in your heart.”
“You're so wrong, Madear.”
“Oh, I think not, Sugarplum.
“Then good thing for me it only matters what I think.”
Mattie took a few moments of silence to observe her granddaughter. She couldn't help smiling inwardly. Of all her girls Perri was by far the most stubborn. It was the kind of mental stubbornness that made you wanna wring her neck and love her for life at the same time. “I love you, baby.” She shook her head firmly. “But I will not sit by and silently watch you mess up a good thing for both you and your beautiful daughter. And a family is a beautiful thing; the way God intended it to be.”
“Imani is his family. I'm not part of the package.”
“He say he want y'all to be a family.”
“I know what he said.”
“Perri, just because you put garbage in a scented trash bag doesn’t make it not stink; garbage is trash and it all stinks eventually. Your excuses are nothing more than an overload of horse manure and it’s stinking up your ability to judge the situation with Barrington fairly. You not pushing that boy away because you can; you’re pushing him away because you’re scared that if you allow him back into your life he might eventually decide to walk back out of it again.”
“Madear, what are you trying to tell me?”
Baby, knowing something does nothing to fix it. You can know something all day long, but until you put it into practice, it's not gonna do you any good. So what, you know what Barrington said as far as his reason for wanting to make a permanent life with you and Imani? The birds know to get to their next destination they gotta fly, but if they don't lift their wings and flap. Guess what? They're not gonna be at the next location. Now, you think about that.”
Perri shook her head. “You’re not saying what it sounds like, Madear . . .”
“Marry him, Sugarplum. Let Barrington be a man for your daughter and you. You hear me?”
Chapter Eighteen
At approximately 1:45, bright and sunny the following afternoon, Barrington rang Perri's doorbell. Unable to contain the grin permanently attached to his face, he hoped like no other time in his life that the woman of his dreams was about to make his one and only dream come true. His grin grew wider when the object of his affection greeted him upon opening the door.
“What's up, baby?”
Perri grunted. “The red flags where you’re concerned.”
Barrington only chuckled, knowing that today not even the great in-your-face Perri could shake his confidence. And confident that before the day was over she'd be his wife for life, he most certainly was.
“Well?”
Perri knew the moment of truth had arrived. “Well, what?” Walking toward the living room, she stalled trying to borrow, beg, or at this point, even steal some more time before the dreaded moment forced itself upon her.
Barrington followed her, thinking she was crazy if she thought he was going be put off so easy. And she'd better think again if she thought he even half-way believed she didn't recall why he was there and what he'd hoped to gain by the end of his visit which, if he had his way, would become permanent. After a glance around, he asked, “Where's my baby?”
“At Madear's house, and before you even think about starting in on me, you didn't call to say you were coming for a visit with her,” she waved him off with a flick of her wrist.
“I'm not gonna start.”
“Good.”
“But,” he chuckled when she threw her hands in the air, “I am gonna say that, if we were all three under the same roof, this wouldn't even be an issue.”
“It's not an issue now, Barrington, and we don't reside under the same roof.”
“It would be if I really had my heart set on spending time with my daughter.”
Unfazed, she said, “Well, that being the case, you would have called ahead, wouldn't you?”
Barrington laughed out loud. He just couldn't sneak one by her for nothing. “At any rate, Perri, I'm here to see you.”
“What else is new?” she complained, ignoring the butterflies in her tummy.
“Well, I'm hoping for a new marriage to consummate . . . I mean celebrate.”
“Once again, Barrington, I have to remind you that you hope for too much.”
“Well, my hope springs eternal, anyway.”
She folded her arms. “And just why is that?”
“Because I need a family; Cupcake needs a family. And, believe it or not, Perri, you need a family, too.”
Shaking her head, she declared, “I don't believe it, Barrington.”
“What's that, baby?”
“That you only want to marry me in order to give Imani a complete family.”
He tilted his head to the left. “Why can't you believe it?”
“Because that's too simple for you; you always want more.”
This is true, he confirmed to himself. To her he said, “Not so much more; just better you
know.”
“No, Barrington, I don't know. Why don't you tell me in no uncertain terms what you expect out of me?”
I expect an honest lover, he wanted to shout. “I expect you to keep an open mind where our family is concerned.”
Raising her head, she corrected, “You mean where we're concerned.
Instead of answering because he didn't want to lie and yet he knew she couldn't yet handle the truth, Barrington shrugged in reply.
Perri studied him for several seconds as silence claimed them. She knew that look. He thought she didn't, but she did. She wasn't stupid but apparently he didn't agree.
Knowing she was sizing up his soul, Barrington offered, “I'm only thinking about our daughter and what's best for her.” It was true, although not the whole of it, but for now, part of it was all he'd reveal. Perri would just have to make do.
“So your daughter is your only motive, pure and simple?”
“What are you asking, Perri?” She always had to delve deeper.
“You know, Barrington.” He always had to make simple hard.
They stared at each other, both fighting the urge to give in to the other.
Barrington finally responded, “Do I still want you?”
“Well?”
“Does it really matter?”
“Barrington . . .”
“You don’t want me, Perri” he cut in. Remember?”
“Are you gonna respect the boundaries or not?”
“Perri, you know I’d never force myself on any woman. I still want you. I’ll always love you. Am I holding out hope you’ll rethink our relationship? Maybe; well, in all honesty, yes. But to answer your question, nothing’s gonna happen between us that we don’t both want and need at the same time,” he promised with every intention of keeping it. But now, if Perri let him in . . .”
“I hope you mean that.”
“I do.”
“Because I’m gonna hold you to it.”
“Well, hold me tight.” He chuckled.
“Barrington . . . .” Her face flushed.
“I’m playing.” Sort of, he added silently, knowing he was playing for keeps. “What I meant to say was you can trust me, Perri. I’ll be the perfect gentleman.”
That’s exactly what scares me, she thought, but said, “Yes you will.”
“So, Perri . . . .”
“What?”
Barrington dropped to one knee.
Knowing exactly where he was going with this and cutting his move short, she announced, “Don't be doing that for me; this is not a real marriage.”
Barrington was genuinely hurt Perri seemed to be so turned off by him; however, he knew he would get no further if he didn't let her have her way this once. He stood, shoving his hands in his pockets to keep from pulling her in his arms.
“When and where do you wanna get married?” Though he continued to grin, he failed at hiding the hint of desire in his eyes.
Perri narrowed her eyes, reading his mind. “Don’t go getting all happy and start thinking we’re gonna live as a normal married couple; they’ll be no consummation. Period,” she warned him in no uncertain terms. “This is a marriage of convenience, a namesake for the sake of our daughter. Don’t make this about me, Barrington. It’s about Imani and her need to have us both at the same time, in the same space when we’re not working, that is. You cross the line,” she warned, “that gives me my walking papers; that will grant me the freedom to leave. And I will.”
“Always have to spell things out, don’t you, Perri?” He almost laughed at her predictability.
“Where you’re concerned, Barrington,” she nodded, “you bet your booty.” Spying the clock on the mantle, Perri grabbed her purse, saying, “Let’s get this showboat on the road; we’ve got just enough time to settle this today. Tomorrow's a busy day and I need my rest. I’ll set you up in the guest bedroom when we return.”
***
“What are you doing, Barrington!” Perri yelped as her feet left the ground.
“I’m carrying my bride across the threshold,” Barrington explained.
“I am not your bride,” she complained. And put me down!”
“You’re right; you’re more than my bride.” Continuing inside the foyer he said, “I’ll put you down when I’ve completed my husbandly duties.”
Perri raised an eyebrow. “The terms of our marriage agreement, Barrington,” she reminded him, “I suggest you remember them.”
“Like I have a choice, you remind me every chance you get.”
“Point is I shouldn’t have to. You knew the terms beforehand, and you agreed.” Ignoring the butterflies dancing a jig in her belly, she added, “Of course now, if you wanna put an end to this madness right now I—”
“Forget it, Perri. I do remember the terms to our agreement. I haven’t crossed any lines. So, like it or not you’re still tied to me, and agreement or not, because of Imani, you always will be.” He placed her feet firmly back on the living room floor. “Now I suggest you find a way to live with that, wife.” Barrington strolled to the kitchen. “Want something to eat, drink?” he called over his shoulder.
Agitated, Perri followed him. “No I don’t. But if I did, I do know my way around my own kitchen.”
Refusing to be baited, Barrington said, “I’m sure you do seeing you’ve been here a minute.”
Tense silence fell between them as she studied him for a long moment. Hating to admit it, Perri knew she could quite possibly get used to this, which automatically meant she was to end it before it began. “What do you think you’re doing?”
Barrington drained the last bit of orange juice in his glass. “That’s the million dollar question of the day. Tell me something, Perri.” He turned on the faucet, rinsed the glass, placing it face down in the sink. Awarding her his full attention he said, “What do I get if I hit the jackpot?”
She took a deep breath which did nothing to cleanse her heart that was still, to both her disappointment and dismay, full of love for him. “What do you want?”
“You know what I want. I’ve made no secret about it.”
“I’ve been upfront with you, too. It’s not going to happen.”
Coming close enough for her to feel what he wanted, tenderly stroking her chin, Barrington asked, “Perri, what’s it take for me to win your heart again?”
The desire his question delivered to that sweet spot located between her legs, she swallowed back hard. Dirty dog. He knew he was just too close for her to think straight, which he fully took advantage of. Happier times assailed her mind. For the longest time she was lost in the sweet memories, times they shared when she knew he cared.
Replacing Barrington’s finger were his soft lips trailing feathery light kisses against her collarbone. “Sweet Perri, don’t you remember how good it was between us?”
She almost purred out loud as his whispered seductive words pulled Perri back in time. Involuntarily, her eyes drifted shut and she was lost in thoughts remembering exactly how good it used to be between them. The first time they made love, how gentle and tender Barrington was, coaching her, teaching her what to do; helping her achieve it, going the distance with her all the way. He never once forgot she was in his arms, whether under him or over him, he remembered Perri was lying there with him.
“I know you’re scared, my baby. But why can’t you just trust me with your fears? Please, sweet Perri . . .”
Perri heard the urgency in Barrington’s plea and it nearly worked to his advantage to melt her defenses.
“I’ve lost so much already, Perri. Please let me have this one moment in present time with you.” He kissed her lips feeling his love for her in his soul. Barrington couldn’t forget how deeply she’d always touched him. He always wanted to remember what she was like inside and out.
Perri; his sweet Perri.
Why was she doing this to him? Them? Why was she determined to withhold from him everything she knew he’d always wanted? He cherished her from day one; she
knew it. Or did she? Did it matter to her? Did he?
She left you, fool, a voice of reason reminded him. Without the slightest clue why or an afterthought about it, sweet Perri left you. Now how sweet was that?
Deciding to ignore that last thought, Barrington whispered, “I need this, Perri.” He searched her eyes for the truth. “I believe you do, too.” He waited for a response feeling her uncertainty. “Tell me I’m wrong, baby; say you don’t want me right here right now. Make me believe it.”
She couldn’t speak.
“Go on, Perri, convince me.”
God help her but she could not deny what Barrington said was true. At the moment, Perri didn’t even want to. She just wanted . . . .
As if reading her thoughts he poked the bear. “Then say it,” Barrington demanded, concluding the truth from her actions, or lack thereof.
“W-what?”
“I need to hear you say it, Perri. Don’t make me feel like I’m forcing you; I’d never want sex from you like that.”
Tired of fighting her feelings for Barrington, she asked, “What is it you want me to say?”
“You know.” He kissed her forehead. “I need to hear those three words.”
Instead of complying with Barrington’s wishes, she pulled his head down, kissing him with more boldness than she’d ever portrayed. Perri felt no shame, only love. He was right; she needed this time with him.
It took all the strength Barrington could muster, but he ended their kiss abruptly. He shook his head, “You can’t have it both ways, Perri. I want you. But I want you to want me, too.”
“I do.”
“Prove it.”
“I’m trying to but—”
“No, Perri. The action will come. Right now I need to hear the words.”
“And if I don’t want to say them?” She looked at him defiantly.
If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) Page 21