“Like you hate me, or something,” Nia said genuinely hurt by his reaction to her. This was not at all how she planned things to turn out between her and the man she loved and father of her beautiful baby. But there had to be a way to show Barrington she deserved his love not his hate.
“How should I look at you, Nia?”
Instead of answering, Nia swallowed hard, fighting back stinging tears.
“I don’t understand, Nia. I’ve been nothing but good to you as your boss. What possessed you to do something so crazy to me and my family?”
“You!” she shouted, tired of his ‘what about me’ routine. “I did what I did because of you.”
“No, Nia! I’m not the one at fault here. I did nothing wrong, including leading you on. And, if I recall, I offered to set you up with my cousin Kane. All I ever did wrong with you was try to help you out. So, you’re not gonna lay this mess at my doorstep.”
“Sir, I—”
“And since we apparently share a child together,” Barrington cut her short, “don’t you think calling me sir is a little silly.”
“Maybe,” was all she said as a smug smile tugged at the corners of her ruby-red lipstick painted lips.
Witnessing the beam in her eyes just pissed Barrington off beyond description. “Don’t get the wrong idea, Nia. I didn’t mean that in a good way.”
“Of course not,” Nia bit back disappointment. “How could you mean it in a good way when all your thoughts are occupied by Perri,” she stated bitterly.
“She is my wife, the mother of my children—”
And to him that made her what? “So am I!” Nia screamed, frustrated.
Ignoring her tantrum, Barrington told her, “Perri is the love of my life—always has been. And, Nia, she always will be.”
There was nothing Nia could say to that, no way she could compete with the true confessions coming out of Barrington’s mouth. And the look in his eyes told her that he meant every word he said in reference to his feelings for Perri. That meant he had no room in his heart to feel anything for her. She was the same as she’d always been to him, which was just a nobody except for the fact that now he preferred not to have any dealings with her at all, unless you count his obvious animosity toward her. And wasn’t that a bitch? But still, could she really blame him?
“So, um, exactly where does that leave Jordy in your family tree?”
Barrington snorted, not believing her never ending gall. “Exactly where you placed her, Nia; in a tough situation,” he said bitterly.
“Which means what?” Tears filled Nia's eyes. “She is your daughter, too, Barrington. Forget about me—”
“Trust me, I'm trying,” he interjected.
“Don't take it out on Jordy, though.” Reaching inside the nightstand Nia produced a picture. “She's beautiful, just like you.”
He didn't want to, but Barrington was compelled to accept the photo Nia extended to him. Tears stung the back of his eyes and he forced his emotions to the back of his mind. With all of his being he desperately fought the root of bitterness that tried to set up camp in his heart, knowing he needed to stay in control of the situation, lest Nia gain the upper hand. Staring at the picture in his hand, he had to admit Nia was correct. The little girl, his youngest daughter was beautiful; with the exception of having her mother's emerald green eyes she looked just like his first daughter, which meant she looked just like him. Barrington wondered how that could be when they had two different mothers, but he wasn't going to discuss that with the mother of his second daughter. But Jordy sure was a beauty. He smiled in spite of the anger that still consumed him as far as Nia was concerned.
“You're welcome to have a blood test, if you like.”
Barrington glared at her. “I think we both know that won't be necessary,” he snapped.
Nia nodded. “The offer stands just the same.”
Barrington chose to ignore Nia this time; he needed time to think and he couldn't do it with her around. “I'll be in touch,” he said tightly through gritted teeth.
Nia opened her mouth to say something, but thought better of it, as she watched the man she loved turn to leave her hospital room. “Keep the picture,” she called after him.
***
“Boy, what are you doing out here?” Mattie asked with her hands on her hips.
Barrington looked up from the picture of Jordy he was studying surprised to see Perri’s grandmother was actually still talking to him. “Ms. Mattie,” was all he could say, his voice thick with unveiled emotion.
“Tears are cleansing for the soul, Barrington.” Mattie held her arms wide open to him. “There’s healing in tears, son.”
Barrington made short work of taking up residency in the older woman’s loving embrace, as he cried like a wounded, abandoned, frightened animal in the shelter of her arms.
Ten minutes later, Mattie asked, “You ‘bout done feeling sorry for yourself, son?”
Barrington laughed in spite of the pain in his heart. “I love you, Ms. Mattie.”
“I love you too, Barrington. You didn’t answer my question, though.”
“Perri doesn’t want me around,” he offered in his defense.
“Somebody gotta make the first move. Could you not be the first to bend?”
Barrington laughed out loud. “Lord knows your granddaughter won’t be.”
“Amen, amen, and yes and amen,” Mattie chuckled. “More times than not, I’d like to take Perri over my knee and give her a good sound spanking the way I did when she misbehaved as a defiant, strong-willed child. God love her soul.”
“I’d pay big money to see that,” Barrington said and chuckled. “I hate having to ask you this, Ms. Mattie, but how is my wife doing now?”
“She got a hole in her heart the size of Texas,” Mattie said honestly. “But it’s not your job to fill it up, son. That’s God’s place and only He can heal Perri’s broken heart. Deep down she knows that, too, Barrington.”
“I don’t suppose you got any words of wisdom for me, Ms. Mattie?” Barrington laughed and didn’t know why.
“Laughter is good medicine for the heart, son, so that’s a step in the right direction.”
“I guess. But, really, what makes it so ridiculously funny is how pathetic my life now is.”
“You can change that outcome anytime you get ready,” Mattie said.
“What you talking, Ms. Mattie?” he asked thoroughly baffled by her comment.
“I hate to pull the age card, son; but you’re a good bit older than my Perri. I know you’ve experienced more of life than she has. My granddaughter tends to be on the naive side when it comes to how she believes life should work; to her everything is black and white and she leaves little if any room for any gray areas to exist. It’s her way or the highway.”
“I won’t argue with you there, Ms. Mattie.”
“Son, every choice we make always affects somebody else, and for every choice there is a consequence, because we reap what we sow, and there is no exception to that rule of life.” Mattie shook her head sadly. “Two years ago, Perri made a choice to withhold the truth that she was pregnant with your child. The consequences of her mistake are still being played out today. So don’t you let my loving, but foolish granddaughter bully you into accepting blame that’s not yours to own where Imani is concerned, son. I love Perri with all my heart and I’d die for her without pause. But I won’t deny her wrongdoing. And I have told her exactly how I feel about her deception toward you.”
“I’m sure all that did was make my wife more pissed off at me,” Barrington said dejectedly.
Mattie chuckled. “Perri missed out on a lot losing her parents so young; all three of my girls did.” She shook her head. “There is no substitution for the hole in your heart that losing your biological parents causes.”
Barrington took her hand and squeezed it lovingly. “Ms. Mattie, you raised an outstanding woman in Perri; she was blessed to have you after her parents passed away.”
Mattie’s smile was sad. “No, son, you couldn’t be more wrong. I made mistakes where all my girls are concerned. There is no such thing as perfect parenting. You do the best you can with where you are and what you have to work with at the time. Then you pray; take your hands off the situation, and leave it in God’s capable hands the rest of the way. The definition of insanity is doing the same old things and expecting different results. But this one thing I know for sure; if you got the want to, God got the can do. The question is: how bad do you want it? Because the truth is, if you want something you’ve never had, you’ve got to do something you’ve never done. You take your time and think about that, son.”
Barrington kissed Mattie’s hand and nodded.
Mattie chuckled. “Now, what do you say you take me to see my new great-granddaughter?”
Barrington got to his feet, gently helping Mattie to her feet. “I’ll take you anywhere you wanna go, Ms. Mattie.”
***
“Son . . .” Bobby squeezed Barrington’s shoulder.
All Barrington could do was cry as his daddy embraced him.
“Why are you out here, son? You should be in with your wife.”
“Well, I'm not out here because I want to be. My wife doesn't want me in the room with her. Not that I blame her. All I've done for the past year is, cause her more hurt, pain and suffering than any one woman should have the burden of bearing.”
“What good is sitting out here having a pity party doing you?”
“I don't want to cause Perri anymore pain, Daddy.”
“Which means what, son? Because in a situation like this pain is inevitable.”
“Right now, until she's had time to come to terms with the loss of our son, and that I made the only choice I could, I need to honor her wishes and stay away.”
“I think you're making a grave and irreversible mistake.”
Barrington shrugged. “Then it'll just be another one in a long string of many.” Changing the subject, he asked, “You wanna go see your new granddaughter?”
Bobby couldn't help the grin that spread across his lips, as he nodded. “I wish I were going to see my new grandson, too,” he said, following Barrington to NICU.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Three days later, Barrington waited until he walked inside his home and, unable to hold back any longer, he gave in to tears he'd tried so hard to resist. After what seemed an eternity, he pulled himself together. “What am I gonna do?” he asked of the empty space surrounding him, crowding him, trapping him. “God, I know I can't make Perri love Jordy; but I can't turn my back on my daughter, either.” He studied the photo in his hand again. It hurt to see her now, because no matter how she got here, she was part of him. A part he couldn't and wouldn't deny. He took a deep breath as Perri came to mind.
How was he going to break the news to Perri? She'd already lost so much at Nia's hands. And now, so shortly after losing their son, Perri was going to have to deal with the reality that her husband shared a newborn baby girl with her sworn enemy. Life just wasn't fair. How much pain was his woman supposed to take? That was his last thought as he grabbed his keys, knowing he needed to be with his wife.
“Ma?” Barrington was surprised to see her when he opened the door.
“Were you going somewhere, son?” Linda asked sharply.
Barrington sighed deeply, recognizing that tone. “Ma, I don't have time for this right now.”
“Make time.” Linda strode past him and to the living room, waiting for her son.
As expected, Barrington closed the door and followed his mother. “What?”
Linda glared at him. “First of all, change your tune, boy. I don't care if this is your home; you do not disrespect me with that tone.
Frustrated, Barrington said, “So you want an apology?”
“That's a good place to start. And I said cut the attitude.”
“Sorry, Ma,” Barrington didn't have time for this, so decided to toe the line.
“Apology accepted.” Linda took in her son's appearance and knew he hadn't slept or eaten in God knows when. “Barry, I know you love Perri, but son, you've got to take care of yourself before you can hope to be up to taking care of her.”
“Is this what you came all the way over here to tell me? May I please go now, Ma?”
Linda narrowed her eyes dangerously. “I said, you need to take care of you first so that you can go on and take care of your wife,” she repeated in a no-nonsense tone.
Barrington rolled his eyes. “In case you haven't heard, Ma, Perri doesn't want my care; in fact, she doesn't want my love anymore, let her tell it.”
Refusing to feel sorry for her son, Linda told him, “She's angry, Barry. You hurt her in a way that being a man, you'll never be able to understand, son.”
Barrington sighed deeply. “But I'm trying, Ma,” he snapped. “I don't get credit for that?” He was tired of being made to feel like the villain while Perri racked up sympathy points for her ‘what about me, what about me, what about me’ attitude, and he was sick and tired of it all. Sure he'd made a huge mistake; one that had cost him dearly. But hadn't he paid enough? Besides, it's not even like Perri hadn't equally made her contribution in the mistake department. So why was everybody up in his face, like her shitty, uncalled for attitude didn't stink?
“She just lost her baby—”
“It was my baby, too!” he shouted. “Or don't I get acknowledged for that, either? She didn’t make our son by herself; I did have a little something to do with it, too. Hell, she didn’t even want another kid, if you really wanna know the truth.” As quick as that statement left his loose lips, Barrington wanted to reach up in the air and snatch those careless words back out of the universe even quicker. “Ma, I really need to go now, you’re making me say things I don’t really want to say about my wife. I love my wife more than my own life and I would gladly die for her.” He couldn’t help the tears that rolled down his face unchecked. “I don’t mean to uncover Perri’s nakedness for anybody to see, not even you, Ma, and I know you love her, too. But the fact of the matter is I share the same grief as Perri for the loss of our son.”
“Yes, Barrington, it was your son, too,” Linda acknowledged. “But that's not how you acted when it mattered to your wife the most, son.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, boy, stop being so selfish and, for once, think about your wife.”
“My wife is all I've been thinking about, Ma.” He sighed deeply, hurt at his mother's inaccurate accusation. “Since the day I entered back into Perri's life, I've been singlehandedly fighting for us, for our family. A family Perri fought tooth and nail not to be part of. So don't expect me to take all the blame; I accept my fair share, but no more than that, Ma. Perri has to accept some responsibility for her part in this mess of a marriage we've got now.”
“You left her, Barry, to go be with another woman, who by her own trickery, gave birth to your child. A child, up until two weeks ago, you knew nothing about,” Linda reminded him. “So what, you have to do a little more work, boy? Isn't your wife worth it?” She lifted her chin. “Or is all that love you claim to have for Perri suddenly of no value anymore?”
“I love my wife! And I resent the insinuation otherwise.”
“And maybe, Barry, if you get rid of that resentment, which is nothing more than foolish pride, you'd actually be of some help to your wife now.”
“You wanna discuss pride, Ma? Well, Perri has more pride than any one person is allowed in one lifetime,” he accused.
“Once again, son, Perri just lost a baby. She has to go through this.” Linda impatiently raised a hand to halt his forthcoming argument. “Trust me; I know what I'm talking about, Barry. My God I was her once upon a time.”
Barrington whipped his head up at that comment. “What?” He was shocked as his mind immediately went to his brother’s confession. There were all kinds of skeletons in his family’s closet; and it seems all of them were choosing to come out of the close
t and step into the light of day now. And how ironic was that when all he felt like doing was go hideaway in a rabbit hole?
“That's right, Barry. You're not your father's and my first born. But you were the first baby I was able to successfully carry to term, that lived.”
Barrington was speechless; he could only stare at his mother.
“You and Crush had an older sister; she was stillborn,” Linda revealed. “And like you with Perri, your father thought I, too, should just 'get over it', but I can tell you firsthand it's just not that easy. It's a process to deal with grief. I had to go through it and Perri has to go through it. It's the only way, son. It's the only way, because as a mother who has lost a child, you feel what you feel, and those feelings can't be denied.”
Barrington felt awful. “I'm sorry, Ma. I didn't realize.” He shook his head, still in disbelief, “If I'd only known, Ma.”
“You would still feel what you feel, Barry. That's what I'm trying to get you to realize about Perri, son. You know all the pain she went through thinking you'd played her for a fool and left her the first time. You compounded that pain and magnified that hurt when you left her on her own just to go be by Nia's side. And while that woman had successfully bamboozled you, as she set you up and gave birth to your daughter, Perri—your wife—suffered the loss of your son. Give her some time.”
“How much time?” he wanted to know. “It's been two weeks, Ma. How long do I have to suffer?”
Raising her voice, Linda said, “Once again, Barrington Rashaad Knight, I'm gonna warn you to stop being so selfish.”
He looked at her surprised; she'd never talked to him like that before, made him feel so small, and Barrington hoped he'd never again be on the receiving end of this particular wrath coming from his mother.
“You talk about how long you have to go through. What about Perri? That poor child was alone when she went into labor and she was alone in that birthing room when you decided to sacrifice your child in order to save your wife.”
“I didn't know that at the time I left our house, Ma. How was I supposed to know she would go into labor that very night? She still had three weeks to go. And when I made that decision I honestly thought I was losing Perri.”
If I'd Only Known (Milan Women Series Book 1) Page 36