MEN DANCING

by Cherry Radford

  ‘Can you pull those up?’ I indicated a couple of very elderly ladies waiting by the Portaloo in the drive. ‘Why aren’t you wearing those shorts I washed for you? It’s stonking for God’s sake.’

  ‘I want to film you getting stressed out as the punters pile in,’ he said, pointing the camcorder at us.

  ‘Stress? Us? Not while there’s homemade cake around,’ Emma said, finishing off my slice. ‘Why don’t you go and film your uncle playing over-officious car park attendant in the field? You could hide behind the big tree and get some candid footage we’ll all enjoy later.’ He looked uncertain but sloped off in the right direction.

  ‘Well done,’ I said to her. ‘Oh... but the footage we’re all going to enjoy is now going to include Ricardo arriving.’

  ‘Oh shit, sorry.’ She took money off Bill from the art shop. ‘So if you think Jez has an idea you’re having an affair, don’t you think he might guess it’s Ricardo?’

  ‘No, I think he’s got too much else on his mind. Shh, here comes sis.’

  Kate came out with a tray of cake and tea, not realising that we already had one, and gave us a detailed account of how well the teas were going, particularly her chocolate cake. She was slowing us up; a queue was forming. Then she told us that Kenny had wet himself and Terry was sorting him out.

  ‘Oh God, how did that happen? I told Terry to watch out for that.’

  ‘Fortunately it was on the grass rather than the decking, otherwise it would have been very awkward.’

  ‘Right,’ I said, considering going inside to make sure he was dressed in something nice, rather than the last year’s PE shorts that Terry was likely to put him in. But Emma was kicking my ankle: it was too late, because Ricardo was there in the queue, his hand on Gabriel’s shoulder as he listened to his animated chatter, Ana smiling at me and waving with a fluttering of her fingers.

  Emma looked after some chatty ladies while I dithered around with tickets and change for Ana and handed Gabriel a treasure hunt sheet. Ricardo eventually managed to look up and smile at me briefly.

  ‘Doesn’t look like Brazil so far,’ said Gabriel.

  ‘Sorry about that. It gets better round the back. And my son Kenny will help you with this treasure hunt. You’ll see him, he’s nearly nine and wearing a yellow t-shirt with a badge like mine.’ Unless, of course, the t-shirt had had to be changed too. I wanted to take Gabriel round to meet Kenny myself, show him the wood. But there were other children in the queue behind them; it would have looked odd to be making such a fuss over him.

  ‘Don’t worry, we’ll find Kenny, won’t we Gabriel?’ Ricardo said. And then I watched them walk round to the back garden.

  ‘Tickets, Ro.’ I looked at her in a daze. ‘Come on, three tickets and two treasure hunt sheets.’ I felt like I needed a lie down, but the queue was filling the drive. I went into automatic: smile, tickets, hello-thanks-for-coming, occasional how-are-yous.

  Then Elizabeth and Robert arrived, with their NGS county organiser badges on. ‘So lucky with the weather! Although perhaps too hot. How are you doing so far?’ Elizabeth asked.

  ‘Fine,’ I said.

  ‘How many?’

  ‘Oh... about...’

  ‘Tickets, Rosie, the ticket numbers,’ she said, looking amazed at my stupidity, but then – as if recalling her other role, mother of the other woman – let her sharp features soften into a sympathetic smile.

  Emma grabbed the roll. ‘A hundred and fifty nine, plus about ten children.’

  ‘Jolly good.’

  They walked on round.

  ‘We’re running out of change. One of us is going to have to go and get some from the kitchen,’ Emma said.

  ‘Oh God.’

  ‘Well I can go.’

  ‘I know but...’

  ‘You want to see whether Gabriel and Kenny have met.’

  ‘Yes, and anyway I need the loo.’

  I went through the front door and into the bathroom. Briefly considered staying there for the rest of the afternoon. I peered through the blinds: it was a shock to see so many people filling our lawn and decking, looking so contented, as if they were somewhere peaceful and happy rather than in the garden of a dying marriage.

  Ana was chatting with Liam’s mother at a scone-laden table round the side of the house. I couldn’t see Ricardo, but presumed that he and Gabriel were round the corner just out of my sight. Jez and Sarah were talking to Elizabeth while the film crew sat on the lawn with their mugs of tea and Kate’s chocolate cake. Jan had escaped or been driven from the kitchen and was sitting with Terry on a bench at the back of the garden, holding hands and deep in conversation. Distracting him from looking after Kenny, who was nowhere to be seen.

  I began to panic. I checked the usual places round the house in case he was so horrified by the amount of people that he’d decided to hide. I went through the kitchen, picking up the change from their cash box as I went past. Kate started telling me how she thought she might have upset Seb by asking about how Kenny’s dancing was coming on, said he’d probably gone off into the wood for a smoke; but I wasn’t interested in his tantrums. She said Kenny was with her dad. I went out into the garden, walking purposefully to deter people from asking me questions that I wouldn’t be able to answer anyway.

  ‘Where’s Kenny?’ I asked Terry. He looked round and grinned, and I followed his pointing finger and looked up: Kenny and Gabriel were up in the apple tree, trading sweets from their treasure hunt prize bags. ‘He’s made a friend, but I think the boy’s dad’s looking for him, wanting him to come and have his cake,’ said Terry. I looked around the garden but couldn’t see Ricardo. ‘Spanish-looking guy. Went in there I think,’ he added.

  So I went into the wood to look for him; it would have looked odd if I hadn’t. I answered some questions about slow worms and fox holes, and couldn’t answer ones about pollarding or the names of some yellow wild flowers, and then arrived near the end of the wood and came across Ricardo standing on his own looking up at the trees.

  ‘He is up a tree, but in the garden. Sharing out sweets with Kenny. They look so sweet, you must come and see,’ I said.

  ‘You should have seen them doing the treasure hunt together. Kenny’s lovely, he’s got your laugh.’ He looked around us, touched my cheek. ‘Is there somewhere... I want to squeeze his mama.’

  He followed me behind the holly bush to the dark corner underneath the chestnut. I put my arms round him and we hugged each other, gasping with the release of tension.

  ‘Three weeks. I’m going to miss you so much,’ I said.

  ‘Come to my office after your clinic tomorrow. We can have a couple of hours.’

  ‘I thought you were going to leave early,’ I said.

  ‘I’ve told Ana I can’t, said I’ve got a meeting.’

  ‘But you were going to tell her tomorrow.’

  ‘No, I’ll do it when we get to Brazil. I don’t want to tell her and then sit in an aeroplane with her for twelve hours.’

  I pulled away. ‘But that’s not what you said.’

  ‘Tomorrow, Wednesday – what difference? Look, come here,’ he said, drawing me back to him. ‘Don’t worry. And don’t let’s argue in your beautiful little wood. I can’t believe you’re giving it up for me, I can see the work and love you’ve put in to it.’

  ‘Kenny will enjoy it for me. And sometimes I’ll see it when I collect him to take him up to London.’

  ‘Yes.’ He was stroking my back. ‘If only we could...’

  I hugged him again and laughed. But not very loudly, or I wouldn’t have heard the crackling rustle of the holly bush. I turned, expecting to see the black streak of Polly dashing through the lower branches, but when I saw Ricardo’s eyes widen I knew that our observer was human. Quick and light on his feet like a cat, but human.

  ‘Seb,’ whispered Ricardo. ‘Oh God.’

  ‘No. Are you sure?’ I asked, having never seen him move quickly or quietly anywhere.

  ‘Yes, he was...’
He pointed to the gap between the holly and a yew. We went over to it, as if needing to find it impossible that he could have hidden himself there. And found cigarette ends and a half-eaten piece of carrot cake on a yellow napkin.

  ‘Must have been there all the time... heard everything we said. We have to find him,’ Ricardo said, looking around.

  ‘No. I’ll find him. You need to go back. Perhaps you should leave soon – if Seb’s going to create a scene I don’t want Gabriel seeing it.’

  We hugged quickly and took different paths leading out of the wood.

  I looked in Seb’s usual smoking places and then came out into the garden. Ricardo was lifting Gabriel out of the tree and talking to Kenny, Sarah was filming Jez enthusing about his different types of bamboo, and the accountant’s wife told me she’d fallen in love with the wood and wanted me to give her a guided tour. I was desperate to find Seb and explain, furious with myself for letting him find out this way, but at the same time I couldn’t help feeling irritated: it was just so typical of him to make me miss the afternoon – tracking him, calming him down, and possibly removing him from the scene like some unexploded bomb.

  I tried to guess where he’d go: the gate to the field was padlocked, so his room, probably. But he might have decided to walk to the station. I went over to the tea area to find out if he’d pushed through to go inside. ‘Rosie, did you take that change to Emma? She needs it right away,’ Kate said.

  ‘I’ve got it. Anyone seen Seb?’ I asked.

  Kate and her daughters shook their heads. ‘Give me the change, Lily can take it.’

  I pulled the coins out of my pocket, heard some clattering on to the decking. Lily, who seemed to have noticed that Auntie Rosie wasn’t quite herself, put her hand on my arm and said she thought she’d seen him talking to Terry near the entrance to Kenny’s den, then started picking up all the money.

  ‘He’s in a mood, I’ve got to find him,’ I said, and squeezed past the tea queue, made my way over to the den and looked inside. Just a couple of little girls playing with Kenny’s old tea set. I turned round and saw Terry striding towards me.

  ‘Rosie. Something’s upset Seb. I tried to find out what was wrong, but he just wanted to talk to Jez, nobody else.’

  ‘Where’s he now?’

  ‘Well, I’m afraid I gave him some money to go to Brighton and see his friends, it’s the only way I could stop him interrupting the filming... I’m sorry, I just didn’t know what to do.’

  I kissed him. ‘It’s okay.’

  ‘What’s got into him?’

  I went round the side of the house to the entrance, hoping to catch up with him. Tim had left the car park and was sitting under the gazebo on his own.

  ‘Where’s Emma?’

  ‘Your friend who was here with you?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Gone off to the car park. With Seb. Heard her say she had something for him. Sounded like she was going to give him cigarettes, which I don’t think...’

  I crossed the road and scanned the field of cars, eventually spotting Seb’s yellow t-shirt and Emma’s curly head beside her convertible over the other side. The two of them were smoking, gesticulating. He kept looking away, pacing, coming back to her. I saw her put her hand on Seb’s arm, saw him hesitate and then shake it off, turn away again.

  I was tempted to leave her to it; I wondered if I might make things worse. But Seb had to hear it from me. I had to tell him what was going on, what was going to happen. Reassure him that his life was going to run on much the same, because I thought that would be his prime concern.

  I made my way along the field, walking along the edge behind the cars so that he didn’t see me from a distance and run off. My heart pounded, I tried to prepare what I would say, but my brain was wobbling with confusion and conflicting emotions. This was the beginning of telling everyone the truth, the first step towards my new life, but however I explained it he’d only hear that I’d chosen to leave him.

  ‘Seb.’ He turned round. Out came a tirade: I must have been fucking that guy since I started learning Portuguese, how could I do this to Dad, how could I think of breaking up the family...

  I waited until there was a pause, until he’d run out of energy. ‘I know it’s difficult to understand but –’

  ‘What I understand is that you’re finishing our family. And that you’ll be picking Kenny up to join you in London but not me. You can’t be bothered with me anymore, coz I’m a fuck up.’

  ‘No, of course you’ll visit –’

  ‘That’s not what you said! I heard you! It was all about lovely Kenny and how well he plays with the smart-arse Portuguese brat, and how much you’ll miss the wood! You haven’t given me a thought, just –’

  ‘Of course we have, Ricardo’s shown a lot of interest in you. It was he who recommended Professor Borden, and he’s got friends with teenagers who –’

  ‘Well he can fuck right off! I don’t want anything to do with him. What about Dad? I thought you two were... how can you suddenly be...?’ He looked away, wiped his nose with the back of his hand.

  ‘I love Dad. We love each other. But we’ve grown apart – it’s been happening for a long time.’

  ‘Only coz you’re never here.’

  ‘No, it’s not that. I’ve... we’ve both fallen in love with other people.’

  ‘What? Who’s Dad shagging then? Oh for fuck’s sake, you’ve both gone completely mad. Or he’s just doing it because you’re cheating on him.’

  ‘No, he doesn’t know. Which is why you mustn’t say anything. I’ve been waiting for today to be over, it means so much to him. But now he and I need to talk.’

  Seb looked down at the grass. We could hear people leaving, thanking Tim, commenting on how wonderful everything was. I looked at my watch: four twenty, only forty minutes to go.

  ‘Another cigarette?’ asked Emma.

  He nodded, kicking at a weed with the toe of his trainers. Then looked over to the next field. ‘We used to come down here to get to the wheat walk... that leads to the river.’

  The four of us. Yes, I remembered. Only three years or so earlier, but it might as well have been in a previous life. I’d had time, I was practised at coping with such memories, even if not always successfully. But he hadn’t, and I saw his shoulders heave with the pain of it.

  I was scared when I put my arms round him, thought he might push me away. But he was glad to hang his lanky self upon me, wet my hair and shoulder with his tears. Give in to being a boy again.

  ‘It’s going to be okay, I promise. Dad and I will always be friends, and we’ll still be parents together. I’ll visit a lot, and in time you’ll get to like your trips to London. It’ll be alright, you’ll see.’

  ‘Fag here for you when you’re ready, Seb,’ Emma said, stroking his arm.

  ***

  ‘Well, you’ve done it,’ I said to him.

  ‘We’ve done it. Lots of people loved your wood just as much as the garden.’

  ‘Maybe, but it’s nothing compared to what you’ve created here. Was Sarah pleased with the filming?’

  ‘Yes, she seemed to be.’

  ‘She’s a wonderful presenter, brought you out, made it easy for you.’

  ‘Yes... I suppose she did.’ He was looking down at the grass.

  ‘Even though... it wasn’t easy for her.’ I hadn’t meant to do it then, sitting on the bench at the end of the garden, our family and friends in the kitchen counting money, wrapping cakes in cling film.

  He put a hand to his face, still not looking up. ‘What d’you mean?’

  ‘You know what I mean.’

  ‘No, I... what are you –’

  ‘It’s okay, I’ve known for a while.’

  ‘Known what?’

  ‘That you’re... God, how do I say it... Having a relationship with her.’

  He looked over, moved towards me, but then seemed to sense that I didn’t want him to touch me and looked down again. ‘I’m... so sorry. I real
ly never thought this could happen... it’s not that I’ve stopped loving you...’

  ‘I still love you too, but we’re not really... together anymore, are we. We’re both... moving on.’

  ‘You mean... Have you got someone?’ He continued to stare at the grass.

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Thought so. Since when?’

  ‘The conference.’

  ‘A doctor then.’

  ‘Yes.’ He looked over at me.

  ‘The Brazilian with the little boy.’

  ‘And wife.’

  ‘He’s leaving her.’

  He put his elbow on the arm of the bench and rested his head in his hand. ‘And are you... leaving?’

  ‘I want to be with him, yes. He’s going to be renting a flat, near Emma.’

  ‘Are you sure about this?’

  ‘Aren’t you? Don’t you and Sarah want to be together?’

  He shrugged. ‘I’m confused. I’m not ready to...’ There was a pause, as if he was hoping I’d say I felt the same. ‘But you are.’

  ‘I’ve... got to that, yes.’

  He was looking at me now, but I couldn’t meet his eyes. ‘No,’ he said quietly, as if that single word could change my mind.

  ‘I’ll miss you terribly. But I’ll see you, when I’m down to collect the boys...’ But it wouldn’t be enough. Not nearly. I had a moment of panic: how could this be happening? Jez. My best friend. My soulmate. I glanced at him, wondering for a moment.

  He was shocked, his eyes glassy with tears. ‘Don’t go. Wait – it’s all just too sudden...’

  But it wasn’t, really. And earlier I’d seen his eyes wide and alive with Sarah’s attention, just as they’d been with Annette’s... That’s what he wants, Emma had said, attention, reassurance perhaps, but how many more times would he so quickly look for it elsewhere?

  ‘I’m sorry. I just can’t go through this again. I don’t know why you...’ Why once again you’ve needed another woman, I was going to say, but what was the point in asking? The answer was obvious: I wasn’t enough. And I could be with someone for whom I was. ‘And anyway there’s Ricardo now...’