Colors of the Shadow

by Nava Dijkstra

  Eyal was completely confused. “Where’d you suddenly get that? You know that I’m not home most of the time, what would she do with me?”

  “You’re not my husband anymore. I can’t take your service conditions into my consideration.”

  Eyal looked at her with anger and evident contempt. “Okay, do you want a war? No problem.” He turned to his lawyer. “You change the section. Our daughter will stay with me.”

  Sherry was shocked. She didn’t expect this answer. Did she go so far in her claim? “How exactly can you raise her?”

  “There is an old invention which is called a nanny, and I’m sure that it’s better than a mother like you.”

  Sherry could not imagine her daughter staying with a nanny until late at night when Eyal came back from the army.

  “I will take her with me,” she said.

  “Without my signature, you can’t take her, it’s obvious to you,” Eyal said. “Your attempts to keep me with you are just pathetic.”

  Sherry looked at him with disdain. “Is that what you think?”

  “I’m sure.”

  “Okay, if you want to raise Shahar and see her suffer, no problem. We’ll see how long you can hang on.” She reached out and signed the document. Then, she painfully looked at Eyal while he signed the document and handed it to the lawyer.

  She took her copy, bid them goodbye and left the office, carrying the weight of the experience in her heart. What will happen to her daughter without her kisses, hugs, stories and her caresses? Why did she let Eyal control her behavior? Why did she allow her love for Eyal direct her life and her decisions? Why did she want to run away, despite her love for her children? She got into her car, leaned her head on the steering wheel and started to cry.

  On her way home, her cell phone rang. “Sherry?”

  “Yes?”

  “It’s Hidan from the Artur Gallery in Los Angeles.” It was an English-speaking voice.

  Sherry’s heart skipped a beat.

  “We worked a lot together and yet we didn’t have the chance to know each other, but after seeing the paintings you sent me, I think I know you very well. Your paintings really stirred me just like the stories behind them. You were able to integrate in them the scent of youth and purity that highlighted the helplessness against the formidable power. It’s hard not to shiver just by looking at the paintings. They can be touched, smelled. You can feel the hotness as well as the coldness that you brought me a few years back, but I’m sure that your painting will put everyone into your reality. They are full of power!”

  “Thank you.”

  “I really want to hold this exhibit soon. I thought in another two weeks. Will it suit you?”

  “It absolutely suits me,” she replied, as she tried to hide her excitement. Not only that he was willing to hold her exhibit, but it was also very close. Tangible.

  “Let’s close it on the 25th of the month as the opening night.”

  Sherry hung up the phone.

  Sherry went to the house and began to pack her things. At 9:00 in the evening, while she was still busy packing her clothes, Eyal entered the house and looked at the two boxes that were on the floor. It was obvious that she was preparing to leave. He watched her going down the stairs, wearing a shirt and shorts. Her loose hair was a beautiful frame to her smooth and beautiful face. She was very attractive to him. She moved with ease, despite the big box that she was carrying in her hands. He walked over and took the box from her hands.

  “I didn’t know that you are here,” she said in her quiet voice.

  “I see that you’re already packing. I don’t have a problem if you stay here for a few months, so you can get organized.”

  “There’s no need, I’m only taking a few suitcases of clothes with me, and I will donate all the rest. I won’t take the furniture, of course.”

  “If so, you’re leaving for good, huh?”

  Sherry nodded.

  “I was sure that you would not do this to Shahar.”

  “I’m not doing this to Shahar. You are doing it to her. I’m ready to give up everything for her. Allow me take her, and you can take all I have. Just let me take her with me, for her sake, not for mine. She would be unhappy with the nanny.”

  “You are ready to give up everything, except the desires of Sherry. You only have one way to get Shahar, and you know it so well. But, it’s probably not important enough for you if you would leave Shahar and go.”

  “I’m not leaving Shahar. I will leave my heart.”

  “You don’t have such a thing.”

  “No Eyal, you’re the one who doesn’t have a heart. You’re taking away my daughter even though you know that she means the world to me.”

  “She is to me, too.”

  “But, you have to think with whom Shahar wants to be with. I could fight for her now, but I have no strength to fight anymore. I’m going to start a new life, leaving everything behind. I want a clean life without any remorse.”

  “It’s very convenient to eradicate the past and start afresh when everybody is busy collecting the pieces you left here.”

  “You’re right, I’ve ruined your life. I’ve also ruined my son’s life, my daughter’s life, my sister’s life, my mother’s life, my father’s life… everything is true. I ruined the lives of all the people I love. But you know what? I paid the price. There was no day that I didn’t move between normal and madness. I was talking to myself and thought that I heard voices. I thought I had a psychosis of some sort. In the end, I lost everything. There was no single day or morning that I didn’t repent. So what now? Continue to suffer? Continue to torture myself? I am already forty-three years old. I want to be in a place that will give me a new beginning.

  He looked at her for a moment without speaking. Then he left the house without saying goodbye.

  36

  Until Sherry’s trip to Los Angeles, she spent every minute with Shahar and allowed her to sleep with her in bed. This brought her many years back, to the last days that she slept with her sister, Tamar, before she left Iran. The feeling was terrible. She looked at Shahar, who was asleep. Tips of hair fell across her face, and her hands clasped under her head. Sherry lifted Shahar’s hair and covered her face with kisses. A smile was on Sherry face. There was no way that she would leave her daughter. There was no way she would leave Ofek. After the exhibit, she would go back to Israel. It was true that over the years, she allowed Eyal to decide every- thing for her. Even the decision of leaving her children and fly to Los Angeles was because Eyal’s words influenced her when they were in the lawyer’s office. Now, it was time for her to make her own decision, regardless of Eyal. When she closed her eyes, there was a shadow of a smile in her face.

  In the morning of her flight, just before the taxi arrived, Sherry heard a knock at the door. She opened and was thrilled to see Ronit on the doorstep. “I came to say goodbye to you. Eyal said that you’re moving to Los Angeles.” Sherry saw Ronit eyes fill with tears. “I will miss you.”

  “I will miss you, too,” Sherry said, her eyes filling with tears as well.

  Ronit hugged Sherry, and Sherry hugged her back. The beeping of the taxi separated them.

  “Do not worry, I’ll take care of Shahar,” Ronit said, with tears streaming down her face. Sherry wanted to tell her that she had no intention to leave Shahar, but there was no time for that. Sherry left the house for the last time. She got into the taxi, and the neighborhood that she loved so much passed in front of her. She recalled her early years there, when she used to walk and Eyal would stop his car beside her, surprising her over and over in his random visits. The red Poinciana trees that she loved so much were slightly moved by the gentle touch of the wind, as if they were waving goodbye to her. She looked at them until they moved away and disappeared from her sight.

  Sherry landed in the late evening hours at the Los Angeles airport and took a cab to the hotel, where her sister stayed. At 10:30, Sherry sat in her room and watched TV. She heard a knock at the
door. She was sure it was Tamar. She went to open the door and the smile froze on her face. She looked at Amir. He looked older than forty-four years old─fat and paunchy. Most of his hair became gray. Despite the external change, she recognized him.

  He looked at her. Every line of his face was engraved with his love for Sherry. She stood in front of him with a serious face and much older than he remembered. “I’d like to talk to you,” Amir said.

  “We don’t have anything to talk about. You have done an unforgivable act. I will not forget it all my life. I didn’t have a moment of silence since my meeting with you in Istanbul. Actually, I didn’t have a good moment from the first day I met you. Until this day, I have been paying for what you did.” She paused and preferred not to talk a lot about the past in order to prevent bursting into tears. “Although, you have done so much for me, you gave the warmth of love to my sister. You even married her and didn’t prevent her from any connection with me, but...” She fought the tears. “You ruined my life, did you know that?”

  “I’m sorry,” he said in a soft voice. “You should know that not a day had passed that I didn’t suffer from what I did to you...”

  “No, don’t compare.” She gritted her teeth in front of him.

  “Sherry…”

  “Don’t you ever dare put my name on your lips.”

  “I understand that you have accounts to settle, but…”

  “No, I do not need to release some burden from the past. Nothing will relieve me from it. I’m learning to live with it, just as I need to live with the confusion of who the father of my son is. You raped me during the time I was with Eyal.”

  Amir looked at Sherry with a frozen look.

  “Now, I think you should go.” She wanted to close the door, but Amir held it open. “Sherry, there’s no way that he’s my son.”

  Sherry looked at him questioningly.

  “I am suffering from Azoospermia, a type of infertility.”

  “But, you have children.” Sherry muttered, shocked.

  “We underwent fertility treatments when Tamar and I went to Germany.”

  Amir continued talking, but his words did not penetrate Sherry’s consciousness. One thought kept coming again and again, ‘Ofek is Eyal’s son, Ofek is Eyal’s son...’

  If she only knew before, if she only knew 20 years ago, if she only knew through the years, if she only knew three months ago... But, if she knew it three months ago, Ofek wouldn’t have undergone surgery. Her lie saved Ofek’s life. She felt that her body was ejecting the events that dragged her down all these years. She remained light and floating on cloud nine.

  The next morning, Sherry waited for her sister in the hotel lobby, just as they agreed, while listening to the mellow tune that the pianist was playing. It had been almost 16 years since they’d seen each other. Sherry noticed a woman with long hair wearing a wide-brimmed dress approaching her with her family. There was something about her gait that made it obvious to Sherry that her face was towards her. “I can’t believe this,” Sherry murmured.

  “Is that you, Tamar? What are you doing in an outfit like that?”

  Tamar smiled and touched the hem of her dress. “It’s me.”

  They fell in each other’s arms. “I knew that you wouldn’t recognize me,” Tamar said in Persian. “I left the old clothes in Iran, along with all the hypocrisy.”

  A glimmer of hope appeared in Sherry’s face. “Wait a minute, you mean...”

  “Yes, I mean we left Iran for good.”

  “So finally, we can meet whenever we want?” Sherry asked, still surprised.

  “And wherever we want.”

  “Wow, you have no idea how happy I am.”

  Sherry left her sister and approached Nazir. She stared at him. Childhood memories rose in a wave that flooded her. Suddenly, she became the helpless little girl, and he was the big man and the Savior. She kept standing and looking at the man who opened his arms and his home to her family. He gave hope to her and to Esther during their darkest days. He raised her orphaned sister. She embraced him with tears of excitement that wet his shirt. “I’m so excited to see you again,” she said.

  He hugged her back, then held her shoulders and pushed her away so he could look at her. “I’m proud of you. I heard from Hidan that you have amazing paintings. Finally you’ve grown to be the woman you’ve always wanted to be.”

  “Thanks to you,” Sherry smiled at him.

  Then, she approached Tamar’s children.

  “This is Ali. A week ago, he turned ten years old, and this is Razza. He is eight years old.” Tamar introduced them to Sherry. “Say hello and give Aunt Sherry a kiss.”

  Tamar’s children came close to her and hugged her as if they knew her for years. Sherry was sure that Tamar had prepared them well for the meeting. She bent over them and gave each one a kiss.

  She got up and looked at Amir. She saw the pleading look in Amir’s eyes. She went close and hugged him gently.

  Sherry spent the whole day with her sister’s family. In the evening, she ate dinner alone with her sister. “Well, tell me about your escape. It was probably not easy.”

  “It was not easy at all. It was very complicated. When the time comes, I’ll tell you all the details,” Tamar said briefly, and Sherry did not press her.

  “How’s Ofek?” Tamar asked.

  “Great! He is undergoing all kinds of treatments, but he’s fine. He’s getting better everyday.”

  “And Shahar?”

  “She is charming as usual. She is with her father right now.”

  “What’s really going on between you and Eyal? There was a great love between you. What happened that he decided to leave the house?”

  “Forget it now. I do not want to involve you with my worries.”

  “It’s okay, I want you to talk and share with me the things that hurt you, but if you’re uncomfortable with it now, we can talk about it later.”

  Tamar stirred the tea. “Beautiful,” Sherry said, looking at the four-carat diamond ring in her finger.

  “Yes, the earrings are souvenirs from our father, and the ring was from our mother. I took a stone and put it in the ring. I decided that this is a souvenir from our mother. Because of her, we’re living a good life.”

  It was annoying for Sherry to hear Tamar saying, ‘because of her.’ “Our mother has no credits. If I were you, I wouldn’t wear black diamonds,” Sherry said.

  “They are also very expensive,” Tamar said.

  “I’m talking about the meaning hidden behind it.”

  “You know that it’s not fair. She is not here to defend herself, and you know just as I do that this whole thing makes no sense. Our mother did not steal, period. There is no logic that she saw all the sufferings we went through over the years and didn’t make use of the diamonds.”

  “But, the facts indicate otherwise. So stop playing dumb. Also, she was the only one who knew about the big transaction that took place that day, and she was the only one who knew where the key was. She did this for reasons that she took with her to the grave.” Sherry was silent for a while, pondering. “And, after that same story that you told me in Egypt about her and Shmuel, my heart remains with poor daddy. I miss him so much. He was my best friend,” Sherry said. “You know, today I am older than he was when he died.”

  Tamar shook her head sadly. “I was ten years old and Daddy used to take me to his friends’ on Saturdays. He would take out the checkers and take pride in my ability to defeat them all. You should have seen the happy look in his face every time I won. That was the face that I will always remember.”

  “You easily defeat me, too,” Sherry said.

  “Because you can only see two moves ahead, while I, after each move of yours, can quickly calculate the process of the entire game.”

  “Stupendous.”

  They sat in silence for a while.

  “Sherry, now that both of us are here, we have to check everything. If not for us, for Dad. We need to speak with H
annah and Shmuel. There are lots of open questions. It’s possible that we will find out a truth that’s not pleasing to us, but I prefer it over the fog that wraps the story.”

  “Tamar, not with the story of the diamonds again. I don’t want to hear anything about my past. My past is buried there in my paintings. So, please don’t make it hard for me.”

  “How exactly am I making it difficult for you?” Tamar was angry. “The last time I talked to you about our mother was when we met in Egypt 16 years ago. You must understand that I don’t have someone whom I can talk to about our parents, the pain, or the things that burden me. To be honest, if you never tell me about the origin of the diamonds, I could continue to live my peaceful life, to love our mother and enjoy the money. I deserve it after all I went through. But thanks to you, I can’t think of our mother without arising suspicions.”

  Tamar began to shed tears. “Do you know whom she thought about during her final moments? It was you. The last thing she did was to make me swear to give you half of the diamonds. So, you can’t stand in front of me and pour your hatred on her. I can’t take it anymore. She was a wonderful mother and she has the right to be loved.” Tamar wiped her tears and was back to herself. “I’m going to check it out, with or without you.”

  “I’m sorry.” Sherry held Tamar’s hand. “Maybe I should have been more sensitive.”

  “So, are you with me about this?” Tamar asked sternly.

  Sherry nodded.

  “If so, we will call Shmuel and Hannah tomorrow and ask when we can visit them.”

  Sherry nodded.

  37

  Sherry headed to her meeting with Hidan at Arthur Gallery. It was impossible not to see the big white-red colored billboard in the black marble building. Sherry looked at her watch. She was ahead by half an hour, so she decided to use the time to go over the various halls. In some of them, there were special exhibits of artists. Sherry even heard of one of them. Sherry had no idea that it was about a big and impressive gallery like this.

  Five minutes before the meeting, Sherry went up to Hidan’s office and approached the secretary sitting at the reception desk.