A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  There was room for only one thought, one thread of coherence in my mind, and each time it lapped around my brain, so began a new wave of uncontrollable sobs, muffled only by James’s M&S jumper. The jewel-like embellishments on the toes of Anna’s shoes shone and danced like a kaleidoscope refracted through my rather impressive deluge of tears, and then James leant back in to my hair and said the words. Said them out loud so that we could hear the truth in them.

  ‘We’re going to be parents.’

  CHAPTER 2

  ‘WELL, YOU KNOW what they say.’ Phil grinned, chocolate eyes peeping from under her blunt designer fringe. All around us, the city’s populace of on-trend urbanites basked in the funky basement atmosphere of Rufus’s Cocktail Lounge. It had always been our favourite place.

  ‘Go on, Phil, what do they say?’ I asked, indulging her.

  ‘If your sex-life is crap and you argue all the time, you might as well have kids.’ Phil finished her words of encouragement with a blood-red smile and a playful shrug of her shoulders.

  ‘I think you mean get married, Phil. If your sex-life is crap and you argue all the time, you might as well get married, isn’t it?’

  Phil hooked a long glossy fingernail around a hair that had affixed itself to her newly reapplied lippy and swept it back in with the others. ‘Whatever. They’re both bad ideas.’ She winked.

  ‘Well, I know which one I’m interested in,’ I said, over the mellow beats of Rufus’s in-house DJ. ‘And it doesn’t involve a big white dress.’ I smoothed out the creases of my silk pewter vest while Phil let her eyes follow a group of men towards the bar. In the dimness of the club’s ambience, her dark brown bob looked closer to black, giving her an air reminiscent of a Japanese doll. Whatever had caught her attention at the bar wasn’t enough to hold it there.

  ‘We’ll see,’ she cooed. ‘Once junior arrives, you’ll be all loved up and Viv will be banging on about nuclear families, and you’ll buckle. I’ll put money on it. You’ll be Mrs Coffrey before the end of next year.’

  Phil knew my family too well. Mum had already tried every angle she could to talk me into the virtues of marriage, despite my father having put an abrupt end to theirs after falling for mine and my brother’s babysitter. It wasn’t that I was against marriage exactly, and in fairness to my father after eighteen years it seemed to be working for him and Petra, but as far as commitment went, I just couldn’t see that there was anything more binding than raising a child together.

  ‘Mum just wants the whole wedding faff, Phil. She missed out when my brother married Lauren because Lauren’s mum did it all. That’s why she’s going nuts with this bloody party she’s talked us into having. Did I tell you that she’s made me order a massive cake for it?’

  Phil broke into a husky giggle. ‘If she’s content with throwing you a mock-wedding reception, Ame, cake and all, take the deal and run.’

  ‘It’s not a mock-wedding reception.’ I shuddered. At least not outside my mum’s head it wasn’t. ‘It’s just a small gathering to celebrate our new status as …’ What were we now, exactly? ‘… parents-in-waiting.’

  ‘It’s your last chance at a big mash-up before you go all boring on me is what it is. I suppose we’ve had a good run, though.’ Phil sighed. ‘You’ve been pretty good fun, for someone who’s already been stuck with the same ball and chain, for-ever.’

  James wasn’t the ball and chain. Ball and chains didn’t keep a mental itinerary of all the things we wouldn’t be able to do over the next few years. Like skiing holidays, and city-breaks. If anyone was shackling anyone else, Phil probably had it back to front. ‘Eight years is hardly forever, Phil.’ I smiled.

  ‘Sex with the same man for eight years and you’re not even thirty yet. It’s heartbreaking,’ she said absently.

  I shook my head, spearing a slice of lemon with my straw. ‘You never know, Philippa. You might settle down yourself, one day.’

  Phil grimaced at the horror of such a thought. ‘And wake up to the same guy for the rest of my days? No. There isn’t a man who could swing that deal. I mean, how utterly depressing. No wonder women turn to chips and chocolate once they settle down. You’d better buy yourself some loose joggers now, Hon, you’ve done well to last this long. In fact, I’d been wondering what gift I should bring you guys to your “kissing-our-lives-goodbye” party. I’ll get you his and hers jogging bottoms … with pockets, for your chocolate wrappers.’

  Phil smiled while a couple of our remaining cohorts, still lucid enough to follow the conversation, joined in.

  ‘I can’t imagine Amy in jogging bottoms,’ chirped Hannah, Cyan Architecture & Design’s newest office junior. Hannah’s wispy blonde hair had become steadily more wispy as we’d worked our way through the cocktails list. ‘You’re always so … polished,’ she continued.

  Sat beside Hannah, Sadie Espley – niece of Adrian Espley, Cyan’s founding architect – looked as though she might actually contribute something for the first time all night. Then her phone flashed again, reeling her face back down behind a curtain of honey-blonde tresses.

  ‘You do know that Amy isn’t your boss, right, Hannah?’ Phil enquired, drily. ‘You haven’t got to kiss her arse. And before you say it, yes, even though it is indeed a perfectly honed and perky size ten.’

  ‘Twelve now,’ I corrected. James had mentioned Christmas excess twice since my birthday.

  Tom and Alice, Cyan’s computer-generated-imagery techie and marketing primo respectively, flopped down onto the right side of the booth, squashing the rest of us four bodies closer to Phil.

  ‘Did I hear something about a perfect arse?’ Tom asked, a glaze of dance-induced sweat sticking loose fawny curls to his forehead. ‘You talking about my booty again, Philippa?’ He never changed out of his hipster jeans and casual shirts, not even for Friday-night cocktails.

  ‘Not this time, hot stuff,’ Phil replied. ‘Amy’s arse, not yours. Hannah’s grown fond of kissing it.’

  ‘Cool it, Phil. Hannah’s just being nice. Remember what that feels like? Being nice?’ I stuck my tongue out playfully and was rewarded with another danger-red grin.

  ‘If you think Phil’s got a big mouth, Hannah, wait till you go on a night out with Dana and Marcy,’ Alice said glibly. ‘You’ll think Phil’s a pussycat.’ Phil blew Alice a kiss. Over the last few years Cyan Architecture & Design had grown enough that the women in the office now loosely formed two groups. Us and Them. Dana and Marcy were definitely thems. Phil said Sadie belonged with them too, and wasn’t impressed that I’d asked her out with us tonight. Sadie’s relentless preoccupation with her phone wasn’t exactly winning her any points. Sadie lifted her head and briefly looked big blue eyes out from trendy rectangular glasses. ‘Dana and Marcy are all right, Alice,’ she declared.

  Phil cocked an unconvinced eyebrow. ‘Well, they’re not going to be bitchy with you, are they, Sadie? Not with Uncle Adrian paying their wages.’

  ‘I earn my keep, Phil,’ Sadie retorted. ‘I work all the hours you do.’

  ‘Er, you’re in the studio the same amount of hours, Sadie, I’ll give you that. But that’s not quite the same thing.’

  The atmosphere dropped a few centigrade. ‘I don’t get any special perks, Phil.’

  Phil smiled. ‘But you don’t see Uncle Adrian letting us lot get away with a fumble in the samples library with the lighting rep, Sadie. That poor guy, he only came into the office to show you their new product range.’

  Tom began tittering. ‘She saw more than that!’

  Sadie glared at Phil. ‘So who are you, Phil, the sodding fun police?’ She tried to meet Phil’s glare, then, obviously thinking better of heading further into the argument Phil had started, returned to her text-a-thon. Fortunately, her phone had more life left in it than Leah from reprographics, who’d been face down on the glass-strewn table for at least twenty minutes. Phil stopped glaring at Sadie and muttered something under her breath about dodgy CVs and loose knickers. They’d always jarred. Phil di
sliked Sadie for the same reasons I couldn’t bring myself to – Sadie was twenty-three, with legs up to her eyeballs, and seemed to have way too much fun for just one person. I hoped it would last as long as possible for her. I’d been like Sadie too, once. Phil still was, she just wasn’t twenty-three any more and it annoyed her.

  Phil shook it off just as a sticky round of Cosmopolitans touched down on the table next to Leah’s face.

  ‘So, who’s up for going up town?’ Alice enthused.

  ‘You guys get stuck into those,’ I said, nodding at the drinks. ‘I’m just nipping to the Ladies’.’ I nudged Tom and Alice so I could wriggle out past them.

  A few minutes of peace in the loos and I was glad not to be part of the clubbing debate. By the time I’d re-emerged from my cubicle, I was already flagging. The door into the Ladies’ swung open and a familiar head bobbed into view. ‘So? We going with them?’

  I pulled a face and pumped on the soap dispenser. ‘I don’t think I’ll be out much later, Phil.’

  Phil pouted. ‘Nah, you’re right. I don’t think I could listen to Hannah blowing any more smoke up your arse anyway.’

  ‘Give her a break, Phil. She’s a nice girl.’

  Phil acknowledged me sourly then began retouching her lippy in the vanity mirror. ‘I’m a nice girl too, you know,’ she huffed indignantly.

  ‘I know! Just … be cool. Give Hannah a chance to know that too.’ I finished rinsing the soap from my hands. ‘And lay off Sadie. I know you’re not keen but she’s not so bad. Plus, I don’t want to wind Adrian up. He’s strung out enough.’

  Phil watched me in the mirror. ‘Adrian’s always strung out. Since when did you roll over for him, anyway?’

  I pulled a few paper towels from the dispenser and bent down for a quick cubicle check. ‘Since Claire Farrel told him she’s taking a partnership with Devlin Raines. She leaves in six weeks.’ Devlin Raines were Cyan’s main competition in the city. They were a bigger company than us, with offices in several UK cities, and Adrian hated losing anything to them, especially staff.

  ‘Claire’s leaving? She kept that quiet. So that’s why Adrian’s been so uptight.’ Phil began tidying her fringe. ‘But why does that affect you?’

  ‘Because a few days before Claire gave Adrian notice, he agreed to consider James and I sharing the adoption leave. Claire’s leaving has thrown the surveying team up in the air, I don’t want him to clamp James down and change his mind about us sharing the time off.’

  ‘How much time is it?’

  ‘A year.’

  ‘A year? Adrian agreed to that? Well, at least now I know why you asked Glitter Knickers to come out tonight. Keep Uncle Adrian on side then, hon.’

  ‘That’s not why I invited Sadie, Phil. She’s been a little out of kilter lately. I think she’s having man trouble.’

  ‘Man trouble? Sadie! You are joking? Jeez, Ame, you are such a sucker. She’s been sexting some brain-dead beefcake all night. I bet you any money, she dumps us soon to go cop off with him.’

  I watched Phil carefully in the mirror. ‘Jealous, much?’

  She was trying to keep a straight face. ‘You’re damned straight, I am,’ she conceded, tumbling into husky laughter. ‘I could do with a good snog.’

  Phil tugged me back out into the throb of Rufus’s. Leah from reprographics was now propped up between Tom and Hannah. They were chatting to each other as if it were a bus stop and not a human body sandwiched between them.

  ‘Where’re Sadie and Alice?’ Phil asked.

  ‘Clubbing’s a no-go with this one,’ Tom huffed, repositioning Leah’s limp arm through his. ‘Alice’s gone to get a head start on the pizzas and Sadie, er … she left when you guys went to the loos.’

  ‘Sadie left? By herself?’ I asked.

  Tom shrugged. ‘Said she didn’t fancy sharing a pizza, or a taxi, with Phil. She said she was going to grab a cab at the rank.’ I threw Phil a reproachful look and checked my watch.

  ‘What?’

  ‘Come on, it’s one thirty in the morning. We’re not leaving her to wait for a cab on her own.’

  Phil grimaced again. ‘But what about the pizza?’

  I narrowed my eyes at her. ‘You don’t eat pizza, Phil. It’s not macrobiotic.’

  Phil was better at narrowed-eyes than I was. ‘Oh, sod it, Amy. Why do you have to be such a sodding Girl Guide?’ she huffed, starting off towards the doors. She waited there impatiently as I said goodbye to the others.

  ‘Come on, then,’ Phil called, ‘let’s go rescue Glitter Knickers.’

  *

  Ten chilly minutes later, the end of the taxi rank queue snaked into view.

  ‘I don’t see her, Phil,’ I said, trailing my eyes over the queue of scantily clad girls and kebab-wielding lads vying for the next available taxi.

  ‘She’s a big girl, Ame. She probably got the beefcake to pick her up.’

  ‘And what if she didn’t?’

  Phil gave the queue a once-over. ‘She’s not here, Ame.’ A commotion broke out in the line, the timeless cocktail of testosterone and alcohol. ‘Sod this,’ Phil scowled, ‘I’m not waiting here with this lot. Work’s only five minutes away, let’s call a cab from there. Quicker and warmer.’ As soon as Phil mentioned the cold, I could feel it, seeping in through my jacket.

  ‘We can’t, Phil. No unauthorised access at weekends any more. Adrian was pretty clear on that.’

  ‘Again with the Girl Guide thing, Ame! You’re such a do-gooder these days.’

  I held my hands up. ‘Okay, okay! We’ll go to the office. But I’m not getting labelled as the Nightshagger, okay? So if we get caught, I’m just gonna flat out say that I know it’s you, Phil.’

  Phil’s face flourished at that. ‘Let me tell you now, if I was the one who’d been flushing the un-flushable down the men’s loos, I wouldn’t risk getting caught there now. The cleaners are on the warpath. Anyway, everyone knows it’s Stewart from reprographics, the dirty little monster. No wonder Leah drinks so much, it must be awful working next to Stewie all week.’ Phil huddled into me, walking us away from the crowd.

  ‘So Stewart’s been slipping into the studios at night! Are you sure?’ Honestly, I didn’t think he had it in him.

  ‘Yeah, I’m sure. You see, Ame, while you spend your time keeping abreast of promotions, and job restructuring, the rest of us keep track of the important stuff – like who’s sneaking into the office at night for a bonk. It would almost be romantic, if the little weasel wasn’t married.’

  ‘Stewart’s married? I’ve never noticed a ring.’

  ‘That’s because he never wears it outside the marital home, the sneaky shit.’

  Comical though the saga of the Nightshagger had been, I felt bad for Stewart’s wife, whoever she was. I’d seen the flip side of extra-marital fun, and it wasn’t much fun at all. Phil shivered as we crossed the deserted courtyard of the immaculately landscaped business square where Cyan Architecture & Design’s studios dominated. The studios were housed in part of what was once an old biscuit factory, deep red brickwork dating back to an era when even industrial buildings were beautiful.

  We came to a standstill between the two potted box bushes standing sentry at Cyan’s sleek glass entrance. Phil was already ordering the taxi by the time I’d silently punched the code into the door keypad, letting us in to the perma-lit reception. It was marginally warmer inside the lobby, but the blast of cold air outside had already highlighted the fact that I was not as sober as I thought.

  Phil finished the call as I flopped down into the swivel chair behind Ally’s reception desk.

  ‘They said fifteen minutes. We could go and revise a drawing while we wait, if you like?’

  I swatted my hand dismissively. Okay, so I’d become a bit of a slave to this place over the last few years, but taken with Phil’s abandon it made for a necessary balance within the interiors team.

  I began swivelling my chair slowly. ‘Why does Ally need so many mini Post-it notes?’ I w
hispered, glancing over the array of neon-coloured squares framing Ally’s computer screen.

  ‘Probably so she can tell her arse from her elbow?’ Phil leant over my shoulder to read the little memos. ‘File nails, stick boobs in Adrian’s face, practise counting to ten …’

  I pushed her away. ‘Don’t be mean, Phil. Ally’s okay. I like her eyelashes. They’re so big, and …’ I tried to think past the effects of too many mojitos for the right word ‘… lashy.’

  Phil grinned. ‘Oh, you like that, do you, Hon? Allow me!’ Phil took a luminous-pink Post-it note from the colourful stack of pads beside Ally’s keyboard and began fringing it with a pair of scissors from the pencil pot. She leant over the desk and stuck it over my eye. I waited while she did the same to a neon-green Post-it, and slapped it over my other eye. Then she stood back to admire her work. ‘How’s that for a degree in product design? Give them a whirl, then!’

  I began power-blinking and grinning in alcoholdefying unison. It would seem that Phil’s cocktail intake was finally taking effect too and an explosion of laughter burst from her throat.

  ‘Ha-HA! That’s funny!’ she cackled. ‘You should defo wear Post-its on party night, Ame, you look priddy.’

  ‘BFFs should match, Phillypops. You’ll need some too!’ I chortled. I held off flapping my new eyewear just long enough to fashion Phil a pair of the same, sticking a set of bright orange paper appendages over her smoky grey eyelids. Once we started laughing again, we were infected. Phil hung over the reception desk in silent convulsion while I threw myself back across the swivel chair, somehow still batting mismatched neon eyelids while struggling for breath.

  Had we not finally broken for air, we probably wouldn’t have heard it. I caught it first. Somehow managing to hold my snickering long enough to listen a while.

  There it was again, someone else’s laughter, deep within the design studio. I held my breath and began flapping my hand at Phil, signalling frantically for her to stop giggling.

  Phil caught on and shushed. We both heard it this time, a woman’s laughter. Definitely.