A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  Phil was smiling a buongiorno to the group of olive-skinned lads behind us. She wasn’t usually into exchange-students, but Phil was a sucker for an Italian accent and they were chattering away to her obvious delight. ‘How old is this kid?’ she asked, coming back to me.

  ‘Three.’

  ‘Just what you need with building works going on. Make sure the contractors’ liability certificates are all in, hon.’

  ‘I don’t think there’s much danger of anything happening to Lily, Phil. The way Rohan shadows her, if she tumbled he’d catch her before she made the ground.’ I knew this, because I’d found myself mesmerised by them. The way he held her on his shoulders so she could see the fish in the millpond; the way he’d concentrate when he was pulling her hair into a ponytail, careful that he didn’t snag. The rough and rugged father and his delicate flower. Phil passed me my sandwich and a small salad bowl. ‘Besides, the work’s moving along pretty fast,’ I added. ‘We rejigged the schedule to prioritise upstairs, so Lily has somewhere safe and comfortable to stay.’

  ‘Where’s she sleeping, then?’

  ‘In the room next to his. He’s had a door knocked through now so he can hear her.’

  ‘Lucky her. Is it all going to be ready in time?’ Rohan had asked if I could have Lily’s room decked out in her favourite colours. It had been our longest conversation all week.

  ‘Their two bedrooms are finished. All the contractors pulled together for him, and Carter’s been helping the kitchen guy out, which has moved things along as well. There’s getting less for me to do there now, apart from occasionally keeping a few things on track.’

  There was a growing sense of redundancy to my role at the mill. I wasn’t sure whether it had come when the work had started moving along, or when Megan had showed up with Lily. I was trying not to examine it.

  ‘That clown? I wouldn’t let Carter near anything more complex than a disposable knife and fork. What does he even do?’ Phil asked, biting into her ciabatta.

  The truth was, I wasn’t really sure. ‘A bit of everything, I think. I know he helps Rohan out a lot, with maintenance around the place, and in the workshop with the knee thing they’re making.’

  ‘Knee thing?’

  ‘I think it’s some sort of brace, to reinforce Rohan’s leg while he’s doing his tricks.’

  ‘Tricks?’

  ‘Tricks, stunts … you know what I mean. Daring feats of acrobatic ability.’

  Phil cocked an eyebrow and fished a plastic fork and serviette from their wrapper.

  ‘Okay, so I don’t know much about it. But I think he’s good, Phil. The way he performs on those ramps … he’s talented. No question.’ That Rohan managed any of it with only one leg was nothing short of incredible.

  Phil frowned. ‘You’ve changed your tune.’

  ‘He’s working on some kind of shoe, too. To connect his prosthetic leg better to the pedal. I’ve seen him trying them out,’ I said, digging uselessly with my plastic fork at evasive radicchio leaves.

  Phil was making her own attack on a different tasty Italian, sending cow eyes over my shoulder at one of the lads behind us. She set him up with another smile. ‘Nice work if you can get it. Playing on bikes all day. Where’s his money from?’

  ‘I think he received a pay-out when he had his accident.’

  ‘Don’t tell me he’s rich, Ame. I’ve just talked him out of the running for having a kid.’

  ‘I don’t think he’s rich, Phil. I just think he’s paid off what he needs to to be able to do his thing.’

  ‘While the rest of us have to slog it out under a boss’s watchful glare. T’rific. You know, Adrian’s been a real pain in the arse lately, hovering at his office window.’

  Triumphantly, I wangled a sporkful of battered salad into my mouth. ‘Actually, I don’t think that’s meant for us, Phil. James says Sadie’s on the way out.’

  ‘Glitter Knickers is? Ha! I knew it! She’s been in meeting after meeting with Marcy lately. Crying in one of them. I knew something was going on.’

  Sadie wanted to try sitting in front of an adoption panel. That was enough to make anyone cry. ‘I’m not getting my hopes up. Her attendance has obviously improved. She was in before me this morning,’ I said begrudgingly.

  ‘She won’t keep it up, Ame,’ Phil said imperially patting her lips with a serviette. Anyway, I’m not talking about Sadie, Sadie’s old news. So, when is this social worker coming out?’

  I felt an instant pang in my stomach. ‘Friday. Bleurgh.’

  ‘Good and relaxed, then? And how are things going at home?’

  I tucked my hair behind my ears and let out a long sigh. ‘Awkward. He’s still on the sofa. But beyond closed doors, who would ever know, right?’ Awkward wasn’t the word for it. Forced felt better. I was trying, really trying, not to dwell on anything negative, but James and I didn’t even seem to be on the same page any more. How could it have got like this, without me seeing it?

  ‘Whoa, that was a serious sigh,’ Phil said, watching me over her glasses.

  The Italian lads started chuckling behind us. A ripple of babbled language ensued.

  Phil smiled along with them, and the laughter bubbled in response.

  ‘Do you want him to be on the sofa? Does he want to be on the sofa?’

  ‘He’s started dropping hints, but he was happy enough to keep his distance while I got over my cold. Didn’t want to risk catching it.’ There I went. Dwell, dwell, dwell.

  ‘He said that? The selfish pig. You’d think he’d be grateful.’

  Another snigger behind me and I realised what was so funny. ‘Oh, Phil!’ I said, quickly hunting for a serviette.

  The Italian merriment intensified.

  ‘What is it?’ she asked. I reached cautiously to dab at her chocolate-brown bob.

  ‘What is it? Has a bird just crapped on me?’ she said, looking accusingly into the trees overhead.

  The set of Phil’s mouth suggested the Italian globetrotters had just become a gaggle of undesirable student travellers. She turned a look on them and for the most part, it cooled them off.

  ‘It’s supposed to be good luck,’ I said unhelpfully recycling Rohan’s words from the day of the blackbird. But Phil was of the thinking that you made your own luck. It did not originate in the backside of any bird.

  I tried to control the smile eking across my lips. Under normal circumstances, Phil would’ve gone straight back to the studio to use the showers there, but she wasn’t one for being run off any territory. I knew then our lunch-hour would run as long as was necessary to out-camp the Italian invasion.

  ‘Men are such knobs. Go on, you were saying about James,’ she said, offering me a hit of hand sanitiser.

  I sighed again. ‘Honestly, Phil, I thought it might have been easier than it is, but we seem …’ What did we seem? What were we now? ‘Stagnant.’

  Phil pulled off her glasses and looked straight at me, as if revealing some sort of polygraph technology. ‘Have you slept with him? Since all that business, I mean?’

  ‘No.’

  ‘You need to. Get it out of the way. You aren’t going to know where you’re at until you do, hon. Don’t leave it any longer, or you’re just gonna build it up until it’s an even bigger scarier monster. Like losing your virginity.’

  ‘So what do you suggest, Phil?’ Was I honestly this pathetic?

  ‘Dutch courage and a good run-up? You just have to get on with it, hon. Then you’ll be able to tell if it’s worth sticking with or not.’

  If only sex were the yard stick to measure that one out with. I was sure James would have no problems convincing most. Either way, the thought scared me.

  ‘Maybe next week. We have enough high jumps to get over this week. We just need to keep it together for a few hours on Friday.’

  ‘And then what?’

  A new worry twisted in my stomach.

  For two years we’d moulded ourselves into the ideal parents material, a desirable home in
which to nurture a child. And now I, me, who had finely honed and polished every last detail of that picture, was the person questioning its integrity.

  ‘Ame? And then what? If you can get through this meeting?’ Phil pressed.

  I pushed away the rest of my lunch and took a cautious breath. ‘And then we hope it doesn’t all fall apart.’

  CHAPTER 23

  ROHAN AND MEGAN had been upstairs arguing for nearly twenty minutes. Carter had taken Lily down to throw bread to the brood of ducklings he’d discovered over on the far corner of the millpond, leaving John Harper and I conspicuously stuck for reasons to make ourselves scarce too.

  ‘Well, you’ll have to cope! How do you think everyone else manages it, Ro?’ I stopped readjusting the smaller pieces of lounge furniture and looked up to the galleried landing where all the shouting was coming from. Through the hall, I could see into the kitchen and John, also looking to the commotion above. We exchanged a brief look across the expanse of space between us. John pulled an expression of foreboding then carried on with his task. The lounge had only been a decoration job, but I’d found plenty to keep me busy tucked away in here while the first-floor battle raged on.

  ‘It’s not a place for a little girl, Meg! There’s the pond, and … power tools everywhere …’

  ‘You’re making excuses! We’ve been over this, now I’m going to get her things and then I’m leaving, Rohan. You’ll just have to deal with it.’ A thick silence then Megan walked across the landing. They’d only gone up there to look at Lily’s room, then Rohan had lost the plot.

  ‘I’ll get her things!’ he snapped, overtaking Megan on the gallery. Megan looked down at me, where I was trying uselessly to look busy. I should have offered to hold a hammer or something for John in the kitchen, safety in numbers. Rohan stormed straight across the gallery, irately descending the stairs to where they would spit him out in the hallway. A few seconds later, he swept past the lounge doorway then the front door clattered shut behind him. I’d seen Rohan with Lily, it was obvious that he loved her company. And still, he was so against having her here.

  Megan made it across the gallery to the stairs.

  Alone again, I surveyed the lounge, wondering if there was anything best put up out of a three-year-old’s reach. This was definitely a room for grown-ups. The exposed brick feature wall was a perfect backdrop for the artefacts Rohan had collected on his travels. A set of vintage skis and an old garage sign hung proudly there amongst sepia-toned pictures documenting the lowly bicycle through time. There was nowhere to sit yet, but when the sofas arrived, the browns of the room – the brickwork and the oak floorboards and imposing timber mantel – would be more balanced by the softer masculine tones of deep blues and reds.

  ‘She doesn’t need as much as he thinks,’ said a honeyed voice, softly from the doorway. I left the ornamental telescope I’d been about to move out of Lily’s reach, and faced the woman smiling warmly towards me. She wore a gypsy skirt today, it caught the light like a jewelled veil. ‘Is he always so moody, these days?’ she asked, moving into the room, her hair a wild mane of blonde.

  ‘Ah, no, not really,’ I stammered, trying not to look awkward.

  ‘I bet you hardly see him, right? Always out on the bikes?’ she asked, meandering around the perimeter of the lounge. ‘I’m Meg, by the way.’

  ‘Amy.’ I nodded, trying not to check her out while she looked over the run of pictures hanging on the wall. I looked out through one of the front windows, willing Rohan to hurry up. I could just about see him around the edge of the mill wheel, still busy slamming the doors on Megan’s car. ‘Have you seen him? Riding, I mean?’ she asked, suddenly turning to me.

  ‘Ah, a little. I wasn’t really paying attention, though,’ I lied.

  She laughed softly to herself. ‘There are a lot of people who would like to see him compete again. I don’t think he realises but he still has supporters, waiting for word of a comeback. Not that Ro was ever a people-person. It’s funny, throw a bike in the ring and I’ve never seen a guy with less fear’ she said, continuing around the room. ‘But when it comes to people, he’s as scared as hell. Always was,’ she mused, running a finger along the skis.

  ‘He seems comfortable with your little girl,’ I said carefully.

  She glanced at me and smiled. ‘I know, but until I turned up and pooped his party last week he hasn’t had to push himself outside his comfort zone.’ She frowned then. ‘You’re going to be around, for the next couple of weeks, right?’ she asked, moving across to the inglenook where I stood. She perched an elbow against the far end of the mantel, bangles falling down her arm. ‘Ro said you would be. He also said that you were nice, that Lily would like you, so I was wondering – if you don’t mind – could you just keep an eye on her for me? It would make me feel a lot better knowing there’s another woman around her?’

  She’d caught me off guard. Rohan had said that I was … nice? Nice enough that the mother of his child had taken his word for it and was now asking me to play some tiny part in her well-being? My brain was already scrambling to understand where I might rank on Rohan’s niceness barometer.

  ‘Er, sure?’ I shrugged, sweeping the hair off my face.

  ‘I know he won’t let anything catastrophic happen, but maybe you could just check that he’s not letting her eat bugs or go swimming with Carter or anything?’

  She was smiling at me. I felt like the popular girl had just selected me for the school netball team. ‘I don’t think Carter can swim.’

  ‘Exactly. But just in case he forgets, or has an attack of confidence?’ Meg was even prettier when she smiled. Damn it.

  Rohan barged back into the front of the mill, dropping two or three bags in the hallway just outside the lounge. He didn’t look at either of us before disappearing outside again.

  Megan rolled her eyes. ‘He’ll calm down.’ I looked to the empty door after him, unconvinced. ‘This is what Ro does, trust me. He’s a commitment-phobe. Frightened to death of another person looking to him for the things they might need.’

  ‘Even his own daughter?’ I said bravely. It really wasn’t my business.

  ‘Especially his own daughter. Ro doesn’t realise but I’m doing him a favour here. He needs this. I know Ro, and how much he loves Lils, but she deserves to see him more often. They both do.’

  The front door went again and Rohan ventured in with a few more things. ‘Is that the lot?’ he asked curtly.

  Megan looked at the small mound of pink bags. ‘Did you get the bits out of the back as well?’

  ‘Yeah, it’s all out here,’ he said, resigning himself to the inevitable. Rohan leant against the door frame and suddenly I realised I was the spare part here. He looked at Megan, then briefly at me, and instantly I felt my cheeks redden.

  ‘Hey hey! We’ve found them!’ Carter boomed from the direction of the kitchen, stalking into the doorway with Lily on his shoulder. Smiling, she leant down immediately, arms outstretched for her father.

  ‘Hello, baby girl!’ Megan cooed, going to them. ‘Did you find the ducklings with Uncle Isaac?’ Lily nodded, bashful when she saw me in the room with them. ‘Mummy’s going now, Lils. You’re going to have a nice time with Daddy.’ Rohan began rubbing Lily’s back, soothing over the dark blonde waves cascading down her little white vest. Lily didn’t look like she was the one who needed it.

  ‘I’ll see you, Amy,’ Megan called over her shoulder.

  ‘Let’s go wave Mummy off!’ Carter called jovially. He and Megan filed out into the hallway, Rohan following on. He turned and looked at me over Lily’s shoulder, waiting for Carter and Megan to clear the front of the hall. For the first time in a week, he almost smiled at me.

  *

  As soon as Megan had left, a new calmness fell over the mill. Or maybe it was just me. I’d already agreed with the tradesman that we were all to be off site by five each afternoon, so that Lily could enjoy a consistent bedtime routine. They hadn’t long gone, and I was just gettin
g my things together, checking over John’s progress with the kitchen units, when Rohan brought Lily crying across the back yard.

  Lily had cried herself pink, cheeks stained with grubby tears and hair stuck like pondweed to her face. Rohan was cuddling her as they came in through the kitchen doors, reassuring her with soothing words, but Lily meant business. Rohan looked at me, worry stealing some of the tan from his face. ‘She fell over, didn’t you, baby?’ he said into her hair. He sat her on top of one of the appliances, still in its vacuum wrap. Both of Lily’s knees were scuffed enough to be spotting with blood. Rohan didn’t really seem sure of his next move once he’d got her to the mill and sat down. He looked flustered, scanning the half-finished kitchen for something of use.

  ‘First-aid box?’ I suggested. He shook his head. ‘Seriously, you lot don’t have a first-aid box here anywhere?’

  ‘Can you see us wearing plasters?’ he asked, eyes wide with hindsight. It was a fair point. Lily glanced over and saw the blood on her skin, kicking her distress up a notch. Rohan began flapping. ‘I don’t even have any tissue! Megan said there were plasters in the one of the bags. Where did I put the bags?’

  ‘I have a tissue,’ I said calmly, opening my handbag. Surplus from the killer cold James didn’t want to be infected with. Rohan looked at the newly installed industrial-grade tap over the sink.

  ‘Was this all plumbed in today?’ he said, rubbing Lily’s back so much that she was probably in danger of being knocked off the dishwasher. It wasn’t allaying her crying any.

  ‘Should have been,’ I said, pulling my phone from my bag. I flicked through to the games folder, opening the paint app Samuel loved. ‘Lily? Would you like to play a game?’ I asked, offering her my phone. Lily wasn’t buying it from me, so I handed it to Rohan. ‘Daddy will show you.’ Rohan took my phone while I nipped over to rinse two of my pocket tissues under the water. I heard him start to find his way around the first level of the game. I took the tissues back over to where Lily wasn’t sure whether to carry on watching me suspiciously or her father shoot a virtual glitter gun.