A Part of Me

by Anouska Knight

  There was an eruption of school children’s laughter in the background, and I knew I was saved. Mum quickly said goodbye.

  I knew I was causing her worry. Had been for years. That something had lifted in her since she’d been spending time with John might make York that tiny bit less painful for her. He’d volunteered to do a little remedial work here and there at the community centre, while Mum and her cohorts directed the rest of the voluntary task force. I’d never seen her so buoyant as she had been lately, a balloon bobbing on its ribbon, anchored to the earth only by the possibility of her daughter moving away. I didn’t want her to be distracted from her fun, I wanted her to float away on it.

  The only curse of being a parent is the constant worry you have for your child, she’d said. She deserved a bit of respite.

  Past the main cluster of eateries, the pavement traffic thinned out enough to reveal the rows of shop fronts lining the square. Metal buckets filled with bright blooms drew my eye to the quaint little row of shops I could see running off the cobbled row further ahead. Mum loved flowers.

  I made the hundred yards or so past a handful of rustic gift shops to the flower displays outside The Midnight Garden. The sunflowers were sumptuous beside paler, dusky pink peonies. I scanned them all, my eyes wandering too far and catching on the window display next door.

  A little wooden windmill stood behind the glass, calico sails and the same pale mauve base as the one left behind in the spare room of my old house. Mum said she’d found it in town. I idled over to look at the other things on display with it. The toes of two little flip-flops peeking from beneath the brim of a sunhat, a toddler’s T-shirt bearing the slogan ‘I still live with my parents’.

  I was poring over the delights of other items when the shop door rattled open. She was carrying too much in her hands, two of her bags slipping from her fingers onto the shop step. She let go of a small yip, and through the rest of her bags I caught a glimpse of a neat little bump beneath her dress.

  ‘I’ve got it!’ I called. A few of the baby clothes had nearly tumbled from one of the bags. I picked them all up, reading the words next to The Beatles logo on the little stripy Babygro.

  ‘All you need is love. That’s cute,’ I said, slipping it back into the paper bag.

  I straightened up to hand the things back to her. She looked like a rabbit in the headlights. I suppose we both did.

  ‘Thanks,’ she said timidly. I was still holding onto the bags, Sadie not sure enough to reach for them.

  The pulse in my neck started to jump. Why didn’t you just go in the flower shop?

  I held the bags out for her.

  She smiled, unsure where to direct her eyes.

  I was trying not to look for that little round tummy again. I was literally blocking her path, suddenly embarrassed that I’d been caught gazing in, hankering like a child through a chocolate-shop window.

  ‘How far along are you now?’ I asked, trying to take some of the acidity out of this unfortunate crossing of paths. I didn’t know where to look either, my smile falling flat.

  Sadie cleared her throat. ‘Twenty-two weeks.’

  Phil hadn’t even tried to update me on the office situation. I’d been blissfully unaware of Sadie’s progress until a minute ago. She had that glow about her that only pregnancy seemed to bring.

  ‘Do you know what you’re having?’ I asked, surprised at my own forwardness.

  Sadie looked just as surprised, shaking her head and smiling weakly. ‘I think she’s a girl, but my mum says boy.’

  ‘Twenty-two weeks … you’ll find out soon enough.’

  ‘Look, Amy, I—’

  ‘It’s okay, Sadie. He and I … it wasn’t right, anyway.’

  ‘It wasn’t right between him and me either,’ Sadie said, tucking the hair behind her ear. ‘We haven’t spoken for weeks.’ She smiled, but hers fell flat too.

  I didn’t know why I felt empathy for her. ‘Sadie, James can be …’

  ‘A selfish pig? I know. But we don’t need him. If he doesn’t want to play a part in this little one’s life, then we’ll be just fine on our own.’ The determination in her eyes was soft at the edges. Of all the women in the office, bar Phil, Sadie was the last one I’d have imagined walking straight into parenthood alone.

  ‘Aren’t you scared?’ I asked.

  She looked older since the last time we’d seen each other in the loos at Cyan. More weathered. We both were. ‘Of having this baby alone? I’m petrified. I suppose you think I deserve it. You were always kind to me, you deserved better than I gave you back’. The shop door rattled behind her as another shopper left the shop, smiling as she squeezed past us. Sadie had done me a favour. It hadn’t been the easiest mercy, or the most painless, but it was still a mercy of sorts.

  ‘I don’t think you deserve it, Sadie. I think James has a problem valuing the things he’s got. Will you have anyone to help you?’

  Sadie let out a long breath. ‘My mum’s going to be around. She’ll help me in the birth … but I don’t want her to do everything or I’ll be reliant on her. This is my child. Mine, to protect and take care of all by myself. Because I’m going to be her only parent, at the end of the day.’

  The softness in her expression had nearly completely left her now. Sadie was resolute again. My phone began to buzz from within my bag.

  ‘Good luck, Sadie. I hope everything goes well for you.’ I meant it.

  She blew a small puff of air from her lips. ‘Thanks, but luck’s overrated. All you need is love, right?’

  I found myself nodding softly. Sadie gave me a last acknowledging smile, then slipped out from the shop entrance, leaving me there. I could see the windmill again in the shop window, still turning away the seconds unaffected by the changes in the world beyond the glass. Time would pass regardless. Sadie would have her baby, and if fate was kind to her, she would see her child through sleepless nights and chickenpox; first days at nursery, school, her first job interview. And she’d do it all alone if she had to.

  My phone stopped buzzing, the noise replaced with a bleep alerting me to my voicemail. I swiped open the screen and retrieved my messages.

  Hi, Amy. Phil Jenson here.

  I know we said we’d be in touch over the next week or so, but I’m afraid as you’re actively seeking employment, we didn’t want to run the risk of you being snapped up.

  Amy, we’d be delighted to offer you the position up in York. It would be great if you could give us a call at the office once you’ve picked up your messages.

  CHAPTER 38

  MUM SET DOWN her Tupperware tub of homemade iced buns in the foyer and ushered me excitedly into the main sports hall. Paint fumes hung heavy in the air, diluted with the sweeter flavour of newly sawn timber.

  ‘Well? What do you think? Not bad, hey, for a bunch of grandmas and a tribe of uncouth youths?’

  ‘And one grandfather!’ John mumbled, walking in behind us, flecks of icing clinging to his moustache.

  ‘They were for the boys, cheeky,’ Mum chided, clearing the debris from John’s mouth with her thumb. ‘Come on, I’ll show you what they’ve done to the smaller rooms.’

  The basics of the hall were as I remembered, but I’d forgotten how impressive the effects a good clean-out and a thrifty facelift could have.

  ‘It looks great, guys,’ I agreed, squeaking across the newly buffed floor towards the secondary rooms at the back of the hall. ‘I can’t believe you’ve managed to do all this in just a couple of weeks!’

  We’d just reached the far doors when Tristan and Lee burst through them, jostling each other for ownership of a basketball.

  ‘We’ve had help.’ Mum frowned, moving out of their way. ‘Slow down, boys! Don’t break anything before our grand reopening! I hope you’ve finished cutting that grass.’ Her voice dropped to a whisper. ‘They’re good boys really, I couldn’t believe it when they walked some of the girls round with their petitions. Karen’s taken two of them on to keep her garden for
her.’

  I held the door open for Mum and John, leaving the boys to their squeaky scuffling on the floor behind us. ‘Still looks like you’ve had your hands full.’

  John took the door from me. ‘Not us, the new recreation coordinator has been in charge of the youngsters. He’s had ‘em cracking on, too.’

  We moved into the next room, brightly painted with crafting tables and a whole library of toys and playthings. It made sense to have the toddler group housed next to the kitchen where mums could replenish themselves with caffeine and sugar. ‘Coordinator? The council have taken someone on?’ I asked, following Mum through to the next room.

  ‘Only part time. He’s very good with the kids, he’s had them footballing outside, volley-balling, roller-derbying – which I’m not so sure we’ll stick with for health and safety reasons. But his main class has already seen enough people sign up that he’ll be instructing here most days. He’s just finishing up a taster class now so …’ She held a finger over her lips.

  John held the door open as we slipped through it. This was the room in which I used to have to suffer the injustice of watching my fellow Brownies receive their illustrious badges. It was cleaner now, newly painted in muted tones. As we rounded the wall, several pairs of jogging bottom-clad legs peeped into view, toes ceiling-bound, splayed out on their rectangular mats like fumigated bugs.

  ‘And just bring your attention back to the present … focus upon the third eye … and continue … to breathe …’

  I knew that gentle voice.

  Carter caught sight of us as we hung back in the corner of the room. His face burst with a smile, his hand throwing a silent wave to me.

  ‘Take your time … but when you’re ready to get up … stretch, and slowly rise again.’ Gradually, one by one, each of the bodies in the room came back to life.

  I hadn’t seen Carter for weeks, I wasn’t sure that Phil had either, we’d maintained our pact of silence on each other’s love lives.

  ‘Hey, stranger!’ he beamed, crossing the floor to us. He scooped me up for a hug. ‘How’s it going? We’ve missed you!’

  Mum was smiling suspiciously. She hadn’t said a word about Carter working at the centre. I wasn’t sure why but I had a feeling she was up to no good.

  ‘Good thanks, Cart. How are you? You’ve landed your dream job!’ I grinned. It really was good to see him.

  ‘Ah, well … the WI girls took a shine, talked me into the position with a promise of low pay and regular home baking.’

  Mum gasped indignantly. ‘And what else?’

  ‘Oh yeah,’ he said, smoothing the hair around his hairband, ‘they reckon if I can keep the kids occupied a few evenings a week at youth club, I’ll go to heaven, too.’

  ‘And you’re worth every sticky bun I’ve made you so far, Isaac,’ Mum assured him. The dozen or so pensioners in Carter’s class had mostly got back to their feet, huddling in smaller pockets of conversational groups as Carter led us over towards the firedoors. As soon as he pushed them open, a current of summer breeze swept into the room.

  ‘It’s been easy work for him since that monstrosity turned up,’ John said, pointing to the ramps outside on the community centre’s field. A swarm of kids were already careering over them on skateboards and scooters.

  Carter released his hair from its band, ruffling it all free. ‘Ro’s reward for the kids, they’ve been busting a gut to get this place shipshape.’

  His name was enough to make my skin tingle, I turned to see if Mum or John had caught it but they’d silently slunk off somewhere.

  It was good to see the kids playing, but another thought twigged as I watched them.

  ‘Is he moving away again already?’ I asked jokily. Rohan couldn’t be planning on spending much time at the mill without his beloved ramps. Megan might’ve talked him round, a fresh start somewhere.

  Carter hung his head and laughed to himself. ‘Ro hasn’t got time to move house. He’s been playing with the big boys, he’s found a prosthetics company to work with him on the braces. They’ve given us a sweet new set of ramps to test ride them on.’

  I kept pace with him as he stepped out further into the sunshine on the playing field. I’d been trying my best not to check in on Rohan’s progress online. It hadn’t been easy.

  ‘That’s great, Carter. I’m really thrilled for him. For both of you.’

  Carter smiled, lifting his face to the sunshine. ‘He tried to call you, you know.’

  I sighed, giving the sun my face too. ‘I know.’

  ‘It threw him, not knowing whether to keep trying or not.’ The guilt swelled inside me again, just as it had that last night on Mum’s doorstep and most days since.

  I gave up on the sun. ‘It was difficult, Carter. He had other things going on, I didn’t want to … complicate anything for him.’

  Carter turned to me, his warm blue eyes knowing and intent. ‘Ro’s a complicated character. It’s kinda his charm.’ I couldn’t argue with that. ‘Even I haven’t worked him out completely. I’ve never heard him talking about putting down roots before.’ He shrugged. ‘But after talking it all through with Meg, he’s got it all planned out.’

  My heart sank.

  This was what I wanted for him, and Lily, but that didn’t take the sting out of it. I smiled over the sensation of a complete body blow.

  ‘That’s good. I’m glad they’ve worked it out.’

  ‘Yeah, me too. Meg’s been really understanding, considering. I think she was hoping for more but they’re working together for Lils.’ Carter had turned back to the sunrays.

  I tried to keep the puzzlement from seeping into my voice. ‘Working together?’

  Carter didn’t move. ‘Yeah. They’ve agreed to share Lily’s care, so Meg can travel with work and Ro can do what he needs for the manufacturing bods at Ortho-Ped. Meg’s looking for somewhere local to buy so Lils has less upheaval. They’re talking about starting Lily at Greenacres nursery after the summer. Your mum looked surprised too when I told her yesterday, you kinda look like her a little now.’

  I understood now why Mum had suddenly seen fit to thrust me and Carter together, a last-ditch effort at keeping me down here, with my family and friends, and him. I gave up on my voice. ‘But … I thought …’

  ‘Like I said. Complicated characters.’

  A hot tingling was reaching up my neck. Carter began yelling over to the skateboarders, ‘Oi! Clever lad – no helmet no play.’ One of the other kids pinched his nose at Carter, motioning his hand like the waves of the sea. Then he lost his balance and slipped onto his backside. Carter rippled with chesty laughter. ‘Little buggers, teach them to take the mick out of non-swimmers,’ he tittered.

  I knew my mother too well. She’d been screening Carter, working out when it was good for me to bump into him. It might’ve annoyed me but thoughts of Rohan were already heavy in my head, and other places. There wasn’t room in my brain to make sense of what I thought about his and Megan’s unexpected arrangement.

  ‘They’ve done a good job with the paintwork, Carter,’ I blurted, trying to force a change in brain activity. I was moving away in a matter of weeks, I needed a job, a purpose – none of which I had here.

  ‘They’re all right. It’s a shame you’re not moving anywhere closer, they could’ve come and splashed a bit of paint around for you, too. York, is it? Philippa said you haven’t found anywhere yet.’

  ‘You’ve seen Phil?’

  A healthy glow tinged Carters cheeks. ‘Hey, yoga brings people together.’ He shrugged. I laughed quietly at my feet. It was a strange thought – Phil getting past her reservations and enjoying the company of a man like Carter for a change. It made me glad; he’d be good for her. Hopefully, she’d be good for him, too. ‘So you’re still at Vivian’s for now? he asked.

  ‘For now. I need to find somewhere soon, I start my job in September.’

  ‘Yeah, congratulations on the big job.’

  ‘Thanks. It sounded hollow, even to me.r />
  ‘Philippa’s worried that you’re going to be lonely up there.’

  I smiled. ‘I won’t have enough time for loneliness, Carter. The job’s pretty full-on. Anyway, I thought I’d try independent living for a change. Cut my own path.’

  Carter looked over his shoulder at me. ‘I know someone else who lives by that code.’

  I moved over to Carter and reached up to peck his bristly face. The house-hunting wasn’t going to do itself, no good would come of putting more of Rohan into my head than was already there. ‘Say hey to him for me, Carter.’

  ‘I will.’

  ‘And don’t let Phil boss you around too much.’

  CHAPTER 39

  ‘AND THEN, AUNTY Amy, the treeannysaurus rex comes in the room and bites the raptors so the people can exscape and the treeannysaurus rex ROARRRS!’

  ‘It did? So the treeannysaurus saved the people?’ I asked, trying to match Sam’s wide eyes. Sam gave me a toothy grin and nodded his head emphatically. I feigned a look of deep-seated concern.

  ‘Don’t worry, Aunty Amy, I’m not afraid of dinosaurs. I can karate chop them if any come to Nanny’s house.’

  ‘I hope there aren’t any coming to Nanny’s house!’ Mum called through from the kitchen. She went back to humming over John’s cherry pies.

  I gave a huge sigh of relief. ‘Phew. Thanks, buster. I feel much safer having you here to look after us.’ I smiled. ‘Do you know that palaeontologists, those are the people who know lots of stuff about dinosaurs, think that dinosaurs turned into birds?’ Explained a lot, I thought. Sam looked puzzled. I tried something easier. ‘Does Mummy know that Daddy’s been letting you watch Jurassic Park?’

  ‘She does now,’ Lauren grumbled, stepping into the sunny room. ‘That explains all the roaring at six o’clock this morning. Come on, Sam, Aunty Amy’s busy on her laptop.’

  ‘No, it’s okay,’ I said, Sam already fleeing from the conservatory to re-enact the T-rex’s closing scene in the garden. ‘Dinosaurs are more entertaining than …’ I peered at the bottom of the screen, ‘page seventeen of two-bed flats with no parking.’