The Wit and Humor of America, Volume V. (of X.)

by Finley Peter Dunne

  THOMAS BAILEY ALDRICH]

  THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA

  _Edited by_ MARSHALL P. WILDER

  VOLUME V

  FUNK & WAGNALLS COMPANYNEW YORK AND LONDON

  COPYRIGHT 1907, BY BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANYCOPYRIGHT 1911, BY THE THWING COMPANY

  _Printed in the United States of America_

  CONTENTS

  PAGE Abou Ben Butler _John Paul_ 211 At Aunty's House _James Whitcomb Riley_ 70 Bill's Courtship _Frank L. Stanton_ 42 Bully Boat and a Brag Captain, A _Sol Smith_ 222 Committee from Kelly's, A _J.V.Z. Belden_ 151 Co-operative Housekeepers, The _Elliott Flower_ 149 Drayman, The _Daniel O'Connell_ 40 Dutiful Mariner, The _Wallace Irwin_ 198 Especially Men _George Randolph Chester_ 160 Farewell _Bert Leston Taylor_ 194 Funny Little Fellow, The _James Whitcomb Riley_ 28 Going Up and Coming Down _Mary F. Tucker_ 10 Have You Seen the Lady? _John Philip Sousa_ 27 Her "Angel" Father _Elliott Flower_ 159 Itinerant Tinker, The _Charles Raymond Macauley_ 74 It Pays to be Happy _Tom Masson_ 214 Latter-Day Warnings _Oliver Wendell Holmes_ 212 Lectures on Astronomy _John Phoenix_ 54 Letter from a Self-Made Merchant to His Son, A _George Horace Lorimer_ 186 Marriage of Sir John Smith, The _Phoebe Cary_ 7 Melinda's Humorous Story _May McHenry_ 200 Miss Legion _Bert Leston Taylor_ 26 Mosquito, The _William Cullen Bryant_ 215 Mr. Dooley on Expert Testimony _Finley Peter Dunne_ 51 Mr. Hare Tries to Get a Wife _Anne Virginia Culbertson_ 142 Musical Review Extraordinary _John Phoenix_ 30 My First Cigar _Robert J. Burdette_ 220 My Ruthers _James Whitcomb Riley_ 197 Night in a Rocking-Chair, A _Kate Field_ 124 Old Grimes _Albert Gorton Greene_ 24 Piano in Arkansas, A _Thomas Bangs Thorpe_ 112 Quit Yo' Worryin' _Anne Virginia Culbertson_ 157 Rollo Learning to Play _Robert J. Burdette_ 132 Runaway Boy, The _James Whitcomb Riley_ 38 Set of China, The _Elisa Leslie_ 12 Simon Starts in the World _J.J. Hooper_ 96 Spring Beauties, The _Helen Avery Cone_ 9 Strike of One, The _Elliott Flower_ 84 Suppressed Chapters _Carolyn Wells_ 22 Tiddle-Iddle-Iddle-Iddle-Bum! Bum! _Wilbur D. Nesbit_ 218 Whar Dem Sinful Apples Grow _Anne Virginia Culbertson_ 121 Willy and the Lady _Gelett Burgess_ 72 Woman Who Married an Owl, The _Anne Virginia Culbertson_ 44

  COMPLETE INDEX AT THE END OF VOLUME X.

  THE WIT AND HUMOR OF AMERICA

  THE MARRIAGE OF SIR JOHN SMITH

  BY PHOEBE CARY

  Not a sigh was heard, nor a funeral tone, As the man to his bridal we hurried; Not a woman discharged her farewell groan, On the spot where the fellow was married.

  We married him just about eight at night, Our faces paler turning, By the struggling moonbeam's misty light, And the gas-lamp's steady burning.

  No useless watch-chain covered his vest, Nor over-dressed we found him; But he looked like a gentleman wearing his best, With a few of his friends around him.

  Few and short were the things we said, And we spoke not a word of sorrow, But we silently gazed on the man that was wed, And we bitterly thought of the morrow.

  We thought, as we silently stood about, With spite and anger dying, How the merest stranger had cut us out, With only half our trying.

  Lightly we'll talk of the fellow that's gone, And oft for the past upbraid him; But little he'll reck if we let him live on, In the house where his wife conveyed him.

  But our hearty task at length was done, When the clock struck the hour for retiring; And we heard the spiteful squib and pun The girls were sullenly firing.

  Slowly and sadly we turned to go,-- We had struggled, and we were human; We shed not a tear, and we spoke not our woe, But we left him alone with his woman.

  THE SPRING BEAUTIES

  BY HELEN AVERY CONE

  The Puritan Spring Beauties stood freshly clad for church; A thrush, white-breasted, o'er them sat singing on his perch. "Happy be! for fair are ye!" the gentle singer told them; But presently a buff-coat Bee came booming up to scold them. "Vanity, oh, vanity! Young maids, beware of vanity!" Grumbled out the buff-coat Bee, Half parson-like, half soldierly.

  The sweet-faced maidens trembled, with pretty, pinky blushes, Convinced that it was wicked to listen to the thrushes; And when that shady afternoon, I chanced that way to pass, They hung their little bonnets down and looked into the grass. All because the buff-coat Bee Lectured them so solemnly-- "Vanity, oh, vanity! Young maids, beware of vanity!"

  GOING UP AND COMING DOWN

  BY MARY F. TUCKER

  This is a simple song, 'tis true-- My songs are never over-nice,-- And yet I'll try and scatter through A little pinch of good advice. Then listen, pompous friend, and learn To never boast of much renown, For fortune's wheel is on the turn, And some go up and some come down.

  I know a vast amount of stocks, A vast amount of pride insures; But Fate has picked so many locks I wouldn't like to warrant yours. Remember, then, and never spurn The one whose hand is hard and brown, For he is likely to go up, And you are likely to come down.

  Another thing you will agree, (The truth may be as well confessed) That "Codfish Aristocracy" Is but a scaly thing at best. And Madame in her robe of lace, And Bridget in her faded gown, Both represent a goodly race, From father Adam handed down.

  Life is uncertain--full of change; Little we have that will endure; And 't were a doctrine new and strange That places high are most secure; And if the fickle goddess smile, Yielding the scepter and the crown, 'Tis only for a little while, Then B. goes up and A. comes down.

  This world, for all of us, my friend Hath something more than pounds and pence; Then let me humbly recommend, A little use of common sense. Thus lay all pride of place aside, And have a care on whom you frown; For fear you'll see him going up, When you are only coming down.

  THE SET OF CHINA

  BY ELIZA LESLIE

  "Mr. Gummage," said Mrs. Atmore, as she entered a certaindrawing-school, at that time the most fashionable in Philadelphia, "Ihave brought you a new pupil, my daughter, Miss Marianne Atmore. Haveyou a vacancy?"

  "Why, I can't say that I have," replied Mr. Gummage; "I never havevacancies."

  "I am very sorry to hear it," said Mrs. Atmore; and Miss Marianne, atall, handsome girl of fifteen, looked disappointed.

  "But perhaps I could strain a point, and find a place for her," resumedMr. Gummage, who knew very well that he never had the smallest idea
oflimiting the number of his pupils, and that if twenty more were toapply, he would take them every one, however full his school might be.

  "Do pray, Mr. Gummage," said Mrs. Atmore; "do try and make an exertionto admit my daughter; I shall regard it as a particular favor."

  "Well, I believe she may come," replied Gummage: "I suppose I can takeher. Has she any turn for drawing?"

  "I don't know," answered Mrs. Atmore, "she has never tried."

  "Well, madam," said Mr. Gummage, "what do you wish your daughter tolearn? figures, flowers, or landscape?"

  "Oh! all three," replied Mrs. Atmore. "We have been furnishing our newhouse, and I told Mr. Atmore that he need not get any pictures for thefront parlor, as I would much prefer having them all painted byMarianne. She has been four quarters with Miss Julia, and has workedFriendship and Innocence, which cost, altogether, upwards of a hundreddollars. Do you know the piece, Mr. Gummage? There is a tomb with aweeping willow, and two ladies with long hair, one dressed in pink, theother in blue, holding a wreath between them over the top of the urn.The ladies are Friendship. Then on the right hand of the piece is acottage, and an oak, and a little girl dressed in yellow, sitting on agreen bank, and putting a wreath round the neck of a lamb. Nothing canbe more natural than the lamb's wool. It is done entirely in Frenchknots. The child and the lamb are Innocence."

  "Ay, ay," said Gummage, "I know the piece well enough--I've drawn themby dozens."

  "Well," continued Mrs. Atmore, "this satin piece hangs over the frontparlor mantel. It is much prettier and better done than the one MissLongstitch worked of Charlotte at the tomb of Werter, though she did sewsilver spangles all over Charlotte's lilac gown, and used chenille, at afi'-penny-bit a needleful, for all the banks and the large tree. Now, asthe mantel-piece is provided for, I wish a landscape for each of therecesses, and a figure-piece to hang on each side of the largelooking-glass, with flower-pieces under them, all by Marianne. Can shedo all these in one quarter?"

  "No, that she can't," replied Gummage; "it will take her two quartershard work, and maybe three, to get through the whole of them."

  "Well, I won't stand about a quarter more or less," said Mrs. Atmore;"but what I wish Marianne to do most particularly, and, indeed, thechief reason why I send her to drawing-school just now, is a pattern fora set of china that we are going to have made in Canton. I was told theother day by a New York lady (who was quite tired of the queer unmeaningthings which are generally put on India ware), that she had sent apattern for a tea-set, drawn by her daughter, and that every articlecame out with the identical device beautifully done on the china, all inthe proper colors. She said it was talked of all over New York, and thatpeople who had never been at the house before, came to look at andadmire it. No doubt it was a great feather in her daughter's cap."

  "Possibly, madam," said Gummage.

  "And now," resumed Mrs. Atmore, "since I heard this, I have thought ofnothing else than having the same thing done in my family; only I shallsend for a dinner set, and a very long one, too. Mr. Atmore tells methat the _Voltaire_, one of Stephen Girard's ships, sails for Cantonearly next month, and he is well acquainted with the captain, who willattend to the order for the china. I suppose in the course of afortnight Marianne will have learned drawing enough to enable her to dothe pattern?"

  "Oh! yes, madam--quite enough," replied Gummage, suppressing a laugh.

  * * * * *

  "To cut the matter short," said Mr. Gummage, "the best thing for thechina is a flower-piece--a basket, or a wreath--or something of thatsort. You can have a good cipher in the center, and the colors may beas bright as you please. India ware is generally painted with one coloronly; but the Chinese are submissive animals, and will do just as theyare bid. It may cost something more to have a variety of colors, but Isuppose you will not mind that."

  "Oh! no--no," exclaimed Mrs. Atmore, "I shall not care for the price; Ihave set my mind on having this china the wonder of all Philadelphia."

  Our readers will understand, that at this period nearly all theporcelain used in America was of Chinese manufacture; very little ofthat elegant article having been, as yet, imported from France.

  A wreath was selected from the portfolio that contained the engravingsand drawings of flowers. It was decided that Marianne should firstexecute it the full size of the model (which was as large as nature),that she might immediately have a piece to frame; and that she wasafterwards to make a smaller copy of it, as a border for all thearticles of the china set; the middle to be ornamented with the letterA, in gold, surrounded by the rays of a golden star. Sprigs and tendrilsof the flowers were to branch down from the border, so as nearly toreach the gilding in the middle. The large wreath that was intended toframe was to bear in its center the initials of Marianne Atmore, beingthe letters M.A. painted in shell gold.

  "And so," said Mr. Gummage, "having a piece to frame, and a pattern foryour china, you'll kill two birds with one stone."

  On the following Monday, the young lady came to take her first lesson,followed by a mulatto boy, carrying a little black morocco trunk, thatcontained a four-row box of Reeves's colors, with an assortment ofcamel's-hair pencils, half a dozen white saucers, a water cup, alead-pencil and a piece of India rubber. Mr. Gummage immediatelysupplied her with two bristle brushes, and sundry little shallow earthencups, each containing a modicum of some sort of body color, massicot,flake-white, etc., prepared by himself and charged at a quarter of adollar apiece, and which he told her she would want when she came to dolandscapes and figures.

  Mr. Gummage's style was to put in the sky, water and distances withopaque paints, and the most prominent objects with transparent colors.This was probably the reason that his foregrounds seemed always to besunk in his backgrounds. The model was scarcely considered as a guide,for he continually told his pupils that they must try to excel it; andhe helped them to do so by making all his skies deep red fire at thebottom, and dark blue smoke at the top; and exactly reversing the colorson the water, by putting red at the top and the blue at the bottom. Thedistant mountains were lilac and white, and the near rocks buff color,shaded with purple. The castles and abbeys were usually gamboge. Thetrees were dabbed and dotted in with a large bristle brush, so that thefoliage looked like a green frog. The foam of the cascades resembled aconcourse of wigs, scuffling together and knocking the powder out ofeach other, the spray being always fizzed on with one of the aforesaidbristle brushes. All the dark shadows in every part of the picture weredone with a mixture of Persian blue and bistre, and of these two colorsthere was consequently a vast consumption in Mr. Gummage's school. Atthe period of our story, many of the best houses in Philadelphia weredecorated with these landscapes. But for the honor of my townspeople Imust say that the taste for such productions is now entirely obsolete.We may look forward to the time, which we trust is not far distant, whenthe elements of drawing will be taught in every school, and consideredas indispensable to education as a knowledge of writing. It has longbeen our belief that _any_ child may, with proper instruction, be madeto draw, as easily as any child may be made to write. We are rejoiced tofind that so distinguished an artist as Rembrandt Peale has avowed thesame opinion, in giving to the world his invaluable little work onGraphics: in which he has clearly demonstrated the affinity betweendrawing and writing, and admirably exemplified the leading principles ofboth.

  Marianne's first attempt at the great wreath was awkward enough. Aftershe had spent five or six afternoons at the outline, and made ittriangular rather than circular, and found it impossible to get in thesweet-pea, and the convolvulus, and lost and bewildered herself amongthe multitude of leaves that formed the cup of the rose, Mr. Gummagesnatched the pencil from her hand, rubbed out the whole, and then drewit himself. It must be confessed that his forte lay in flowers, and hewas extremely clever at them, "but," as he expressed it, "his scholarschiefly ran upon landscapes."

  After he had sketched the wreath, he directed Marianne to rub the colorsfor her flowers, w
hile he put in Miss Smithson's rocks.

  When Marianne had covered all her saucers with colors, and wasted tentimes as much as was necessary, she was eager to commence painting, asshe called it; and in trying to wash the rose with lake, she daubed iton of crimson thickness. When Mr. Gummage saw it, he gave her a severereprimand for meddling with her own piece. It was with great difficultythat the superabundant color was removed; and he charged her to let theflowers alone till he was ready to wash them for her. He worked a littleat the piece every day, forbidding Marianne to touch it; and sheremained idle while he was putting in skies, mountains, etc., for theother young ladies.

  At length the wreath was finished--Mr. Gummage having only sketched it,and washed it, and given it the last touches. It was put into a splendidframe, and shown as Miss Marianne Atmore's first attempt at painting:and everybody exclaimed, "What an excellent teacher Mr. Gummage must be!How fast he brings on his pupils!"

  In the meantime, she undertook at home to make the small copy that wasto go to China. But she was now "at a dead lock," and found it utterlyimpossible to advance a step without Mr. Gummage. It was then thoughtbest that she should do it at school--meaning that Mr. Gummage should doit for her, while she looked out the window.

  The whole was at last satisfactorily accomplished, even to the giltstar, with the A in the center. It was taken home and compared with thelarger wreath, and found still prettier, and shone as Marianne's to theenvy of all mothers whose daughters could not furnish models for china.It was finally given in charge to the captain of the _Voltaire_, withinjunctions to order a dinner-set exactly according to the pattern, andto prevent the possibility of a mistake, a written direction accompaniedit.