The Wit and Humor of America, Volume V. (of X.)

by Finley Peter Dunne

  "He think de marter all over an' he say ter hisse'f: 'Dem fool galsdunno w'at dey missin', but ef dey s'pose I gwine gin up an' staysingle, dey done fool derse'fs dis time. I ain' gwine squatulate wid 'emner argyfy ner beg no mo', but I gwine whu'l right in an' do sump'n.'

  "Atter he study a w'ile he slap one han' on his knee, an' he 'low, hedo: 'Dat's de ticket! dat's de ticket! I reckon dey'll fin' ol' manHyar' ain' sech a fool ez he looks ter be, atter all.'

  "He go lopin' all roun', leavin' wu'd at ev'y house in de kyountry dat abig meetin' bin hilt an' a law passed dat ev'yb'dy gotter git ma'ied,young an' ol', rich an' po', high an' low. He say ter hisse'f,'_ev'yb'dy_, dat mean me, too, so dish yer whar I boun' ter git me awife.'

  "De creeturs place der 'pennance on him, dough he done tucken 'em in sooften, an' on de 'pinted day dey met toge'rr; de gals all dress' up inder Sunday clo'es an' de mens fixed up mighty sprucy, an' sech a pickin'an' choosin' you nuver see in all yo' bawn days. De gals dey all stan'up in line an' de men go struttin' mighty biggitty up an' down befo''em, showin' off an' makin' manners an' sayin', 'Howdy, ladiz, howdy,howdy!' An' de gals dey'd giggle an' twis' an' putt a finger in decornders er der moufs, an' w'en a man step up ter one uv 'em ter chooseher out, she'd fetch 'im a li'l tap an' say, 'Hysh! g'way f'um yer, man!better lemme 'lone!' an' den she'd giggle an' snicker some mo', but Ilet you know she wuz sho' ter go wid him in de een'.

  "All dis time Hyar' wuz gwine up an' down de line, bowin' an' scrapin'an' tryin' ter mek hisse'f 'greeable ter ev'yb'dy, even de daddies an'de mammies er de gals, whar wuz lookin' on f'um tu'rr side. Dar wuz wharhe miss hit, 'kase w'ile he wuz talkin' ter de mammy uv a mighty likelyli'l gal whar he think 'bout choosin', lo an' beholst, de choosin' wuzall over, an' w'en Mistah Hyar' turnt roun' dar wan't nair' a gal lef',an' ev'y man have a wife asseptin' him.

  "Den dey hilt a big darnsin' an' feastin', an' ev'yb'dy wuz happy an' ina monst'ous good humor, de gals 'kase dey done wot ma'ied, an' de pawsan' de maws 'kase dey done got redd er de gals,--ev'yb'dy 'scusin'Hyar'. Dey mek lots er game uv 'im, an' w'en dey darnse pas', dey singsout: 'Heyo! Mistah Hyar', huccome you ain' darnse?' 'Bring yo' wife, ol'man, an' jine in de fun!' 'Hi! yi! Mistar Hyar', you done ma'y offev'yb'dy else an' stay single yo'se'f? Well, dat de meanes' trick youdone played us yit! 'tain' fair!' An' dey snicker an' run on 'twelHyar' wish he ain' nuver year de wu'd ma'y.

  "Atter w'ile dey got tired er darnsin' an' tucken der new wifes an' wentoff home leavin' Hyar' all by hisse'f, an' I tell you he feel rightlonesome. He git a bad spell er de low-downs an' go squanderin' roun'thu de woods wid his years drapt an' his paws hangin' limp, studyin' howhe kin git revengemint. Las' he pull hisse'f toge'rr an' he say: 'Come,Hyar', dis ain't gwine do. Is you done fool ev'yb'dy all dese 'ears an'den let yo'se'f git fooled by a passel er gals? Naw, suh! I knows w'at Igwine do dis ve'y minnit. Ef I kain't git me a gal, I kin git me awiddy, an' some folks laks dem de bes', anyhows. Ef you ma'y a widdy,she got some er de foolishness knock' outen her befo' you hatter tek herin han'.'

  "Wid dat he step out ez gaily ez you please. He go an' knock at de do'uv ev'y house, an' w'en de folks come ter de do' dey say, 'W'y, howdy,Mistah Hyar', whar you bin keepin' yo'se'f all dis time?' He say, he do:'Oh, I bin tendin' ter de 'fairs er de kyountry, an' I is sont unter youez a messenger. I is saw'y ter tell you dey done hilt nu'rr big meetin'an' mek up der min's de worl' gittin' too many creeturs in hit, so deypass de law dat dar mus' be a big battle, an' you is all ter meettoge'rr at de 'pinted time, an' each man mus' fall 'pun de man nex' himan' try fer ter kill 'im.'

  "De creeturs assept dis wid submissity, dey ain' 'spicion Hyar' 't all.On de 'pinted day dey met toge'rr, an' each wuz raidy ter defen'hisse'f. Hyar' wuz dar lak all de res', an' ef you'd 'a seed all despears an' bows an' arrers he kyarry, an' all de knifes stickin' in hisbelt, you'd 'a thought he wuz de bigges' fighter dar. But sho! W'en defightin' begin, hit wuz far'-you-well, gentermans! 'Twan't no Hyar' dar;he jes' putt out tight 'z he kin go. W'en dey see him goin' dey singout: 'Hi, dar! Whar you gwine? Whyn't you stay wid we-all?'

  "Hyar' ain' stop ter talk, he jes' look roun' over his shoulder w'ileshe 'z runnin' an' he say, sezee: 'De man I wanster kill, he done runned'way an' I'se atter him. Kain't stop to talk; git outen my way,ev'yb'dy,

  _'Cle'r de track, fer yer me comin', I'se ol' Buster whar keep things hummin'.'_

  "W'en de battle wuz over, de creeturs miss Hyar', an' dey say he mus' be'mongs' de kilt, so dey go roun' lookin' at de daid, but 'twan't noHyar' dar. Dey hunt ev'ywhar fer him an' las' dey foun' him squattin' inde bresh, tremlin' ez ef he have de ager an' nigh mos' skeert ter de'f.Dey drug him outen dat an' dey ses: 'So dish yer's Buster whar keepthings hummin'! Well, we gwine mek you hum dis time, sho' 'nuff. Youputts we-all ter fightin' an' gits heap er good men kilt off, an' yer_you_ settin' tuck 'way safe in de bresh.'

  "Den ol' Hyar' he up an' 'fess he done de hull bizness so's't dekyountry mought be full er widdies an' he git him his pick fer a wife,fer he 'lowed widdies wan't gwine be so p'tickler ez de gals. Decreeturs jes' natchully hilt up der han's at him, dey wuz plumb outdone.'De owdacious vilyun!' dey ses, 'we boun' ter exescoot him on de spotan' git shed uv 'im onct fer all.' But he baig mighty hard an' some uv'em think he be wuss punish ef dey jes' gins 'im a good hidin' an' lets'im live on alone, a mis'able ol' bachelder, widout no pusson ter teknotuss uv 'im, 'kase none er de widdies wuz gwine ma'y a cowerd."

  "Why, Aunt 'Phrony," said Ned, "he must have found a wife at last, forhow about Mis' Molly Hyar'?"

  "Shucks!" said she, "is _I_ uver tol' you 'bout Mis' Molly Hyar'? Naw,suh, she b'longs in dem ol' nigger tales whar Nancy tells you. De Injuntales ain' say nuttin' 'bout no wife er his'n. He wuz too gre't afighter an' too full er 'havishness uver ter sottle down wid a wife; an'now lemme finish de tale.

  "Dey gin him a turr'ble trouncin' an' den turnt him aloose, an' stiddergittin' him a wife he got him a hide dat smart f'um haid ter heels; butw'en my daddy tell dat tale he useter een' her up dis-a-way, 'An' mebbyHyar' git de bes' uv 'em, atter all, 'kase w'en you git a hidin', desmart's soon over, but w'en you git a wife, de mis'ry done come terstay.'"

  THE CO-OPERATIVE HOUSEKEEPERS[2]

  BY ELLIOTT FLOWER

  Ten thoughtful women, ever wise, A wondrous scheme did once devise For ease, and to economize.

  "Cooeperation!" was their cry, And not a husband dared deny 'Twould life and labor simplify.

  One gardener, the ten decreed, Was all the neighborhood would need To plant and trim and rake and weed.

  The money saved they could invest As vagrant fancy might suggest, And each could then be better dressed.

  So well this worked that, on the whole, It seemed to them extremely droll To pay so much for handling coal.

  One man all work then undertook, And former methods they forsook, Deciding even on one cook.

  One dining-room was next in line, Where, free from care, they all could dine At less expense, as you'll divine.

  "Two maids," they said, "could quickly flit From home to home, so why permit Expense that brings no benefit?"

  Economy of cash and care Became a hobby of the fair, Until their husbands sought a share.

  "Although," the latter said, "all goes For luxuries and costly clothes, The method still advantage shows.

  "While we've not gained, we apprehend Good Fortune will on us attend, If we continue to the end.

  "If you've succeeded, why should we From constant toil be never free? One income should sufficient be;

  "And, taking turns in earning that, We'll have the leisure to wax fat And spend much time in idle chat.

  "So let us see the matter through, And, in this line, it must be true One house for all will surely do.

  "And if one house means less of strife, To gain the comforts of this life, Why, further progress means one wife."

  *
* * * *

  Ten women now, their acts attest, Prefer ten homes, and deem it best To let cooeperation rest.

  [Footnote 2: Lippincott's Magazine.]

  A COMMITTEE FROM KELLY'S

  BY J.V.Z. BELDEN

  "Katherine--give it up, dear--" The man looked down into the earnesteyes of the girl as she sat in the shadow of a palm in the conservatoryat the Morrison's. Strains of music from the ball-room fell on unheedingears and she sighed as she looked up at him.

  "I can not turn back now, Everett," she said. "Ever since that day Ispent down on the east side I have looked at life from a differentstandpoint. A message came to me then and I must listen. For a year Ihave been preparing myself to take my part in this work. To-morrow Itake possession of what is called a model flat, and I hope to teachthose poor little children something besides the _three R's_. To tellthem how to take a little sunshine into their dismal homes." She lookedlike some fair saint with her face illumined with love of humanity.

  "Might I venture to suggest that there is plenty of room for sunshine inan old house up the Avenue," said the man wistfully.

  The girl looked up quickly--"Don't, Everett, give me six months to seewhat I can do--then I will answer the question you asked me last night."

  "Oh, my dear, my dear," he said, "you do not know how I hate to have yougo down there. My sympathy with the great unwashed is not deep enoughfor me to be willing to have you mingle with them. Then, to be quitehonest, I have found them rather a happy lot."

  "Listen, Everett," said the girl. "Come down to me a month from to-nightand I will show you that I am right and you are wrong."

  "A _whole_ month!" the man protested.

  "Yes, a whole month--"

  * * * * *

  The sun was shining into the front windows of a room on the first floorof a high tenement down on the east side. A snow-white bed stood farenough from the wall to allow it to be made up with perfect ease. Infront of it stood a screen covered with pretty chintz; white muslincurtains hung at the windows; everything was spotless from thekalsomined ceiling to the oiled floors, where a few bright-colored rugsmade walking possible. As Katherine Anderson explained to some scoffingfriends who came down to take luncheon with her.

  "Everything is clean and in its proper place and the object-lesson isinvaluable to these poor children. If you go into their homes you willfind that the bed is a bundle of rags in some dark closet, while thefront room is kept for company. Here I show them how easily this sunnyroom is made into a sitting-room by putting that screen in front of thebed and then there is a healthful place to sleep. You may think that Iam over-enthusiastic, but I enjoy my classes and I assure you they are_all day long_, for besides the usual schoolroom work we have cookingclasses, physical culture, nature classes and little talks about allsorts of things. I have one girl who I know is going to be a greatnovelist, she has such an imagination," said Katherine. "Her big sisteralways has a duplicate of anything of mine the child happens to admire,and the other day she came rushing in with the tale that 'burglars' hadbroken into their house the night before and stolen twenty bottles ofketchup and 'some _preserts_.'"

  "Had they?" asked the guest. "What peculiar taste in burglary!"

  "No," laughed Katherine; "she has no big sister and their house is oneback room four flights up."

  Four weeks had passed since the Morrison dinner, and Katherine wastired. Then, too, she was not altogether sure that her mission was asuccess. Was she wishing for the fleshpots of upper Fifth Avenue, or wasit just physical weariness that would pass with the night? She had sentoff a note in the morning:

  "MY DEAR EVERETT--The work of the model flat is still in existence, and it is almost a month--a whole month. On Saturday afternoon I am expecting some of the mothers to come and tell me what they think of the work we are doing for their children. They will probably be gone by five o'clock, and if you care to come down at that time I might be induced to go out to dinner with you. Don't bother about a chaperon. As I feel now, I could chaperon a chorus girl myself.

  "Cordially, "KATHERINE."

  Whether the meeting at Mrs. Kelly's had been called together by engravedcards, by postals, or simply by shrieking from one window to another, Ido not know, but there was evidently some excitement, some deep feelingwhich needed expression among the little crowd of women in the fourthfloor, back.

  "I tell ye," shouted Mrs. Kelly, to make herself heard above the din ofmany voices, "I tell ye we must organize, an' Tim Kelly himself says it.Only last Satady night, an' him swearin' wid hunger, an' me faintin' widthe big wash I had up the Avenoo, what did we come home to but hullwheat bred an' ags olla Beckymell. There stood my Katy, wid her han's onher hips, a-sayin' as 'teacher said' them things was nourishiner thanb'iled cabbage. Well, Tim was that mad he broke every plate on the tablean' then went and drank hisself stiff in Casey's saloon."

  "And what do ye think," cried Mrs. McGinniss, as Mrs. Kelly stopped forbreath, "the other night, when me an' some frinds was comin' in for aquiet avenin', we found my Ellen Addy had hauled the bed into the frontroom, an' she an' the young ones was all asleep, an' up to the winderswas my best petticut cut in two. When I waked her up she whined,'Teacher says it ain't healthy to sleep in back.' Did ye ever hear thelike of that? an' every blessed one of them kids born there!"

  "Now, wha' d'ye think o' that?" murmured the crowd.

  Mrs. Kelly caught her breath and began again. "I've axed ye to come herebecause teacher sent word that she'd like the mothers to come of aSatady and tell her how they liked what she was doin' for the youngones. Tim says as they sends a committee from men's meetings, and Ithink if Mrs. McGinniss, Mrs. McGraw and me was to riprisint thisgatherin' we could tell her how we all feels."

  It was Saturday afternoon, and the model flat was in perfect order,while the little servant, called "friend" by Miss Anderson, waited inher spotless apron to answer the bell. Another object-lesson for themothers who were expected. The bell rang and three women walked soberlyinto the little hall.

  "I am so glad to see you, Mrs. Kelly, and you, Mrs. McGinniss." Shehesitated at the third name.

  "'Tis Mrs. McGraw," said Mrs. Kelly.

  "Bring the tea, Louisa," said Miss Anderson, "and then I want to showyou how pleasant my home is here."

  Mrs. Kelly gave a sniff. "Hum, yessum, it's sunny, but I've seen yourhome up town, and it's beyond the likes of me to see why you're downhere at all, at all."

  "Yes," said Mrs. McGinniss, "an' I've come to say that you'd better stayup there an' stop teachin' my childer about their insides. I'm tired ofhearin' 'I can't eat this an' I can't eat that, cause teacher says thereain't no food walue.' An' there's Mrs. Polinski, down the street, saysshe'll have no more foolishness."

  Mrs. Kelly had caught her breath again. "Her Rebecca come home onlyyestidy an' cut all the stitches in Ikey's clo'es, an' him sewed up forthe winter."

  Just then a woman with a shawl over her head came in without knocking.With a nod to the three women, she faced the teacher. "Now, I'd like toknow one thing," she said; "you sent my Josie home this morning to washthe patchouly offen her hair; now, I want to know just one thing--doesshe come here to be smelt or to be learnt?"

  "There's another thing, too," said Mrs. Kelly; "I want that physicaltorture business stopped. The young ones are tearin' all their clo'esoff, an' it's _got to be stopped_!"

  Katherine looked a little dazed and her voice trembled a bit as shesaid: "Wouldn't you like to look at the flat?"

  "No, Miss, we wouldn't," said Mrs. Kelly. "You're a nice young woman,and you don't mean no harm, but it's the sinse av the committee thatyou're buttin' in. Good day to ye." And they filed slowly out.

  Katherine, with cheeks aflame, turned toward the door. There was atwinkle in Landon's eyes as he said:

  "Are you quite ready for dinner, dear?"

  There was a little break in her voice, and she gave him both her hands.
<
br />   "Quite ready for--for anything, Everett."

  QUIT YO' WORRYIN'

  BY ANNE VIRGINIA CULBERTSON

  Nigger nuver worry,-- Too much sense fer dat, Let de white folks scurry Roun' an' lose dey fat, Nigger gwine be happy, nuver-min'-you whar he at.

  Nigger jes' kain't worry,-- Set him down an' try, No use, honey, fer he Sho' ter close he eye, Git so pow'ful sleepy dat he pass he troubles by.

  Cur'ous, now, dis trouble Older dat hit grown, 'Stid er gittin' double, Dwinnle ter de bone; Nigger know dat, so dat why he lef' he troubles 'lone.

  Nigger nuver hurry, Dem w'at wants ter may; Hurry hit mek worry! Now you year me say Ain' gwine hurry down de road ter meet ol' Def half-way!

  Den quit yo' hurryin', Quit yo' worryin'! W'at de use uv all dis scurryin'? Mek ol' Time go sof' an' slow, Tell him you doan' want no mo' Dish yer uverlastin' flurryin',-- Jes' a trick er his fer hurryin' Folks de faster to'des dey burryin'!