Trusting You

by Ketley Allison

  “I got a phone call as soon as Locke was admitted,” Astor says. “I’m annoyed it took me this long to get here, but that’s not because of you. It’s because of fucking car idiots on a small island called Manhattan.”

  “You’ve been filled in?”

  Astor nods. “Ben told me everything. My brother…what a moron. As soon as he gets enough oxygen in his lungs, I’m depleting them again.”

  Her words are harsh, but the worry is obvious in her expression.

  “If it helps, I’ve already yelled at him,” I say.

  Astor smiles, but it’s wane at the corners. “Good girl.”

  “You’ve seen him?”

  “Not yet, I…” she trails off and fidgets with her ring. “I fucking hate hospitals. Want to get a coffee in the cafeteria? Locke’s sleeping and I don’t want to wake him, so…”

  “Lily needs the rest, too. Okay, let’s go.”

  I follow her to the cafeteria a few floors down, where we pour ourselves some old, syrupy coffee. I sweeten mine with a ton of cream and sugar, hoping that’ll make it taste better. I notice Astor does the same.

  “I worry about him, you know,” Astor says as we find seats. Being this late at night, the cafeteria has maybe two other people. I don’t need to ask her who she’s talking about. “All the time.”

  “I haven’t known him long,” I admit, “But maybe ‘reckless’ should’ve been the rest of the R in his middle name.”

  It makes Astor smile. “Instead of Robert? I’m sure he’d take it in a second.” Then, she looks back down at her coffee. “Ever since we were kids, he was always such a risk-taker. Being the first to sled down a hill full of snow, right onto a busy road. The only one to jump off a bridge into the water with unknown rocks below. He was…unstoppable. All the time. It’s exhausting.”

  “I can only imagine.”

  “I was always the cautious twin. The logical one.” Astor rolls her eyes. “The smart one, because I wasn’t dumb enough to risk my life on a daily basis. Until one moment managed to cut everything loose and prevent him from ever taking risks again. Losing his knee.”

  I chuckle darkly. “Or so you thought.”

  “Exactly! For him, trading bone for metal only meant he should be doing more. I understand he thinks it’s for Lily— he's strong and tough and unbreakable because that’s how he believes fathers should be.”

  I nod along because that’s precisely what I’d yelled at Locke.

  “But with a dad like ours, how could he think that? Our childhood was all about Mom because our dad was never around. And when he was, it was always to push. To be perfect, to never show your faults. Whereas Mom…” Astor’s tone cracks. “She was the softness. She cried in front of us, lost her shit at us often, broke things in the house, mended us when we needed it. She was our everything. And she was human. Unlike Dad, who thought any sort of flaw was a weakness. You can guess who Locke took after.”

  I take time to allow Astor’s words to sink in. “You said was. Your mom was.”

  “Yes. She died when we were twenty-one.”

  “I’m sorry,” I say, and I mean it. “What happened?”

  “Cancer,” Astor says blithely. So quickly, I’m barely given time to stiffen. “Ovarian. She endured about four years of treatment before she died.”

  “Locke…” I’m doing all I can to get the words out. “Locke never told me.”

  “No? Well, he wouldn’t.” Astor’s gaze drifts off, but she’s still speaking. “It was a really tough time for our family. He didn’t do so well when she died. That’s about the time he started to become more successful than he’d ever dreamed and also the moment he discovered booze. Dad loved it, of course. Both of them loved throwing themselves into anything that didn’t require grieving over Mom.”

  “God, Astor…” I’m listening to her, but I’m thinking about Paige. How often I threw her cancer in Locke’s face, how many times I said he didn’t understand. How many times did I say it?

  “It’s fine now, honestly. Mom wasn’t…she wasn’t okay in the end. But you know that, with Paige. I think it was the first and only time I understood death to be the better choice.”

  “Yeah,” I say. Astor brings a lot of memories to the forefront. Of Paige, frail in bed, unable to hold Lily anymore, but reaching for her anyway. Of the moment Paige said good-bye to Lily, the real, forever good-bye, because Paige knew before anyone else that it would be her last moments with her daughter.

  I love you, Lily-belle, I love you so much. And I’ll be with you, always. Carter can be the mean one to yell at you and discipline you. I get to be your angel.

  Paige was trying to make me smile with those words, but instead, she made me sob.

  And Astor, I’m sure, has similar memories rocketing through her mind.

  “Locke fell out with me at that time. Preferred his friends instead. Shit, they were such assholes. All of them, all throughout college. The women they banged…the bets.” Astor pauses to take a sip from her coffee, grimaces when she remembers where it came from. “I tried to chalk it up to Mom, to how he dealt with the grief, but no one can be that much of a dick and think they can get away with it.”

  “Did you confront him?”

  “Fuck yes. Often and always. Especially when I saw how much he drank, how loose he was with any attractive woman that passed him by. It was unhealthy and sick, in a way—” Astor cuts herself off, drags her stare back to me. “I’m sorry. This is all really insensitive of me to say, what with…”

  “Paige?” I sigh. “I’m well aware of Locke and Paige’s relationship, or lack thereof.”

  “I can’t believe they bet on her,” Astor says, shaking her head.

  The cafe goes silent. All sound funnels away from my ears and instead, there’s a clogging, cloudy weight against my head. “What?”

  Astor freezes with the coffee cup halfway to her mouth. “You didn’t know?” The cup hits the table with a clonk. “But Carter, you just said…”

  “Bet?” I grind out. “Paige was a bet?”

  “Um…” Astor pretends deep interest in the tabletop.

  “You’re a badass lawyer, Astor. You can look at me while you explain exactly—everything—you know.”

  On a deep inhale, Astor says, “Locke should be the one telling you this.”

  “He’s unavailable at the moment. And lucky for him, too weak to be punched in the throat. Tell me. Now.”

  Astor splays her hands. “I don’t know all of it. Once Locke learned about Lily, he confessed some of it to me, mostly because he was trying to convince me he actually could be the father. I was ready to sue the shit out of you,” Astor says succinctly. “For what, I wasn’t sure of at the time, but I was mighty pissed at you for coming to Locke’s door and saying he had a baby. I thought you wanted money or fame or some kind of payoff…yeah, I was ready to raise my fists.”

  “No shit,” I say. “I’d think the same thing if some girl, out of Locke’s many lines of girls, claimed he was their baby daddy. Except I didn’t. And I’m not.”

  “You’ve slept with him.”

  I gulp, but that’s all I’ll give her. “You’re deliberately changing the subject. Tell me about him and Paige.”

  Astor sighs and falls back into her chair. “It was some party, right? That you and Paige were at? The four of them saw you two—and remember, I did say they were some royal assholes in college—still are, by many degrees. And apparently you were mooning over Locke, or staring at him from afar—I’m really uncomfortable telling you this, by the way. I’m using Locke’s words, but still…”

  “Keep going,” I say through the ramming of my heart.

  “So, the guys dared him to bang your friend. They were mean like that. Those four, they got any girl they wanted”—Astor frowns at this and appears to look deep inside herself. I think, Ben, but I don’t stop her—“and, therefore, they enjoyed upping the odds on one another. Or making some sort of lame play like they did with you and Paige. Complicat
ing things, you know. I guess in your case, they wanted to instigate a fight between you and your friend.” Astor softens at my expression. “Like I said, they’re cocksplatters.”

  I clear my throat, spin my coffee around in a jerky circle. “So, I was…Paige was…we were really nothing to him. To Locke.”

  Astor rubs her lips together as she regards me. “He was younger then.”

  “It was only two years ago.”

  “A lot’s happened since,” Astor says, and she doesn’t need to expand. The injury. Locke’s fight for sobriety. Lily.

  “How much did he get for her?” I ask.

  Astor takes a big gulp of bad coffee.

  “How much?” I repeat.

  “A grand,” she responds.

  “So that’s what Paige was worth, huh?” I stand. “That’s what Lily amounted to?”

  “Carter, that’s not fair. Sit down, I’m not your enemy—”

  “I’m going home—to Locke’s place, not my home because I have to be here to make sure Lily is…to have Lily—” I start breathing heavily, and Astor gets up from her chair.

  “Easy. Easy, Carter. Sit back down.”

  “I can’t…I’m…” Tears build up.

  “I know,” Astor says. She brings her chair around to sit by me and rub between my shoulder blades.

  “I was so scared today,” I whisper through a sob.

  “Me, too.”

  “Lily’s already lost so much, and she’s too young to even know. But Locke…if Locke…”

  “Listen to me.” Astor twists my shoulders. “Locke isn’t going anywhere, okay? Neither am I. Lily will always, always have a family.”

  I swallow. “Lily wasn’t born from a love story. I’m aware of that—have come to terms with it, anyway. But it breaks my heart to be told that she’s the result of a bet for cash.”

  “That doesn’t mean Locke won’t love her. He already does.”

  I scrub at my eyes. They’re hot and wet. “Right when I think…the second I get comfortable with Locke, he railroads me with something like this. A crucial piece of his past he’s hiding.”

  “I think…I think he’s not telling you everything because he’s afraid of you.”

  I snort.

  “I’m serious, Carter. Your opinion means more to him than I’ve seen in a while. Not since his coaches. Not since his mother. Maybe you need to see past the details of his secrets to understand the why. He doesn’t want to disappoint you. He wants to be perfect for Lily. That kind of pressure, especially with his kind of history, is not easy.”

  My spine bows.

  “For the longest time, he’s considered himself a failure,” Astor says. “Then you brought Lily to him. And Locke finally understands that his hardships amounted to something. Her. That baby girl.”

  Astor’s words hit me hard, but I can’t shake the unease. “All I’ve ever hoped for is for him to be honest with me.”

  “Give him time.”

  I shake my head sadly. “There’s not enough left.”

  “He’s not this perfect, athletic Hercules everyone made him out to be in college,” Astor says. “He’s flawed. Human. Stupid. But he loves that little girl and is destroying himself over what happened this afternoon.”

  I believe it. Locke, lying in a hospital bed, whiter than the sheets surrounding him. Clear agony etched in each grimace, but it isn’t only due to his physical pain. He hurt his baby. Accidentally, but she was hurt.

  “We all love her, Carter. She’s in good hands.”

  I nod and give a reassuring squeeze to Astor before her hand slides away from my arm. I have a lot of thinking to do, but it can’t be here. I need to go back to Locke’s place and put the final touches in Lily’s nursery. I need to pack my bags and begin the process of leaving. I’ve been naïve—so naïve—to think Locke and I could continue within this bubble, keep our pretend family in place.

  Lily has Astor, she has Locke, she has her family.

  “I’ve been looking for you.”

  The baritone voice, so out of place between my and Astor’s soft talking, shoots both our heads up. A silver fox approaches us, his slate colored hair combed back from his tanned, aristocratic face.

  The eyes are what give him away.

  He’s a Hayes.

  “Dad,” Astor says, standing. I follow suit, rubbing my palms on my jeans for no reason.

  “Locke’s asking to see Lily before we leave.” He’s not even looking in my direction.

  “Sure. This is Carter, by the way,” Astor says. “She’s—”

  “I know who she is.”

  “Okay.” Astor drawls out the word. “Carter, meet Nick Hayes.”

  “Lily’s grandfather,” I say, with emphasis, and hold out my hand. “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”

  “Uh-huh.”

  Nick Hayes doesn’t deign to look me up at down or study me in any way. In mere seconds, I’ve discerned he has a clear talent for making people around him feel like plankton.

  Well, he’s yet to come up against me.

  “I’d like to take Lily with me, if that’s all right with you,” I say. To Astor only. “Locke’s place is familiar to her. She’s already been poked and prodded—”

  “You don’t have to sell me. It’s done,” Astor says.

  “It certainly is not. Lily is coming with us. I have a penthouse near the hospital. Lily should see her father as much as possible,” Mr. Hayes says.

  “Dad, don’t pretend like you care about Lily’s feelings,” Astor says, and I jerk in surprise. “Or Locke’s, for that matter. Carter will take Lily to see him whenever he needs.”

  I nod. “Of course.”

  Nick chips his icepick eyes over to me. “And how long to you plan on squatting with my son?”

  “Two more weeks, but I think I’ll pilfer his drawers closer to my flight out. Maybe steal a precious coin or two.”

  Nick’s eyes turn into slits. “I’ve met many women like you, and I’ll meet many more. My son deals with your kind often, but never for long. So, if you believe you can infiltrate this family, if you have any notions of staying in my granddaughter’s life, you’d best recalculate.”

  I sigh, as if he’s exhausting me and my insides aren’t crawling, then turn to Astor. “Bring Lily to see Locke. I’ll be in the waiting room, and I’ll take her home as soon as you’re done.”

  Astor searches my eyes like she wants to ask why I don’t want to see Locke, too. But I shake my head in warning.

  “No problem,” Astor says. “Dad, it’s been real, as always.”

  Astor strides by her father with no hitch in pace, and I scramble in line behind her. When he grabs my arm and pulls me to his side—hard—I swallow a yelp.

  “You are not touching my son’s inheritance. Do you understand me?” Nick seethes through his teeth.

  “Get your hands off me,” I say.

  “I know you,” he says, maintaining his grip. “And I will crush you if given a chance.”

  “Dad! Jesus!”

  Astor rushes back to our table, ready to barrel through my and her father’s tangled arms, but Nick releases me and combs back his hair like we’re having nothing but a minor tete-a-tete.

  “What’s the matter with you?” Astor says, stepping in front of me. “Why are you even here? Locke doesn’t want you, Lily doesn’t know you, and I couldn’t give two damns why you’re trolling the hospital.”

  “He’s my son,” Nick says calmly. “I’m entitled to—”

  “You gave up your title the minute Locke was no longer your football prodigy,” Astor spits. “And you’re not getting your hands on Lily. So how about you leave, right now. I’ll send Locke your best.”

  “You’re in no position to tell me what to do.”

  “Fine,” Astor says, waving a hand. “Do you, Dad. We’re going.”

  Astor storms off without another word, taking me with her. Nick remains behind, but I can feel his eyes on us like ants, and I let out an obvious exha
le as soon as we clear a corner and he’s out of sight.

  “I’m sorry about that,” Astor says as we wait for the elevator. She tries for a joke. “You see where Locke gets all his caveman from.”

  I smile in answer, but it’s frail.

  Astor grows serious. “He shouldn’t have laid his hands on you. He wasn’t like this when Mom was here. He wasn’t so…”

  “Angry and mean?”

  Astor gives a hollow laugh. “Yeah. When it comes to Locke and me, he pretty much died when Mom did. Hasn’t been around much. I assume he’s only here because he’s concerned about Locke’s ability to live until the trust Mom left us kicks in.”

  I shake my head. “I don’t care about that.”

  “I know you don’t.” Her eyes soften. “I know. But anyway, he does. Because he can’t get his grabby hands on the money until Locke and I turn thirty. And convince us to give him some.”

  “You say he wasn’t always like this?”

  “Greedy? Miserable? An all-around asshole? Sure, he was all those things, but he channeled it into Locke’s football career and would at least be pleasant to us at dinner. But it’s why I’m so afraid, you know, for my brother. I don’t want Locke turning into him, and before Lily, he was headed for that route.”

  “After what I saw back there, I’m glad Locke’s changing for Lily,” I say as the elevator doors slide apart.

  Astor studies me with a penetrating look as we walk in.

  “Not just for Lily,” she says, but leaves it at that.

  33

  Locke

  I don’t know what time it is. I only care in the sense of when I next can see Lily, and I think it’s still night.

  Astor’s been in and out of here, so have the guys, but I don’t recall too much of it. I’ve refused morphine or any other kind of drug, so I’m dealing with a shriveled-up lung and a raging knee as best as I can.

  I haven’t been able to see Lily. No one’s let her down here, and they won’t until I’m stable enough.

  I’m fucking stable enough, damn it.

  I lean to my side, kind of, searching for the nurse’s call button so I can use it for the tenth time in the past hour. I’m an annoying little fucker, but they aren’t forced to have their ass cheeks exposed every time someone needs to see them, so I win.