by Jillian Neal
She started to object, but Logan shook his head.
“I know you’re terrified of what might happen, and you’ve got yourself convinced that somehow you don’t deserve me, or that you’re not good enough, but that’s insane, and I’ll tell you why. You make me a better person. You make me whole. You make my life worth living.”
He willed her to understand what he was saying. “Without you nothing even matters to me, not work, not my family, nothing! I’m gonna get fired because I’m exhausted and a freaking mess, because I need you in my life. I don’t even want to go on without you.”
“And I know your mother told you your whole life that love hurts, but that’s just one other thing she had so damn wrong, Adeline. Love isn’t what hurts! This, this that you’re doing to us right now, this hurts more than anything I’ve ever experienced in my whole life, including my brother dying.”
“I can’t breathe. I can’t think. Hell, I can’t even summon, because my entire existence hinges on you, so it’s not you who won’t make it without me. It’s me who won’t make it without you!” The tears he was simply too tired of fighting fell rapidly down his face.
“And you know what else? It’s not just that I’m so fucking in love with everything that you are. I really love who I am when I’m with you. I love ‘us’, Adeline, more than anything else in the world.”
“So, please, I am begging you, don’t do this to me. Know how much you mean to me. Know that I won’t survive without you. You’re so much stronger than I am, and it’s me who needs you, not the other way around! I’m the one who isn’t good enough! I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you!” He gazed deeply into the depths of her tear-filled, onyx eyes.
She stared at him, both of them crying for one endless second.
“I’m not pregnant,” she finally sobbed. He couldn’t stop himself from pulling her to him. As soon as he embraced her he felt whole. He felt her begin to heal him.
“I know, but that doesn’t change one single thing that I just said to you. And I’m sorry about what happened. I should’ve remembered to ask you every single time you gave me the extraordinary honor of being with you like that, and I didn’t. And I will never forgive myself for the hell that that put you through. But just listen to me for another minute, and then, I guess if you want, I’ll leave.” He tried desperately to blink back the downpour of tears.
“I don’t want you to leave. Please, please, don’t leave me again!” she begged.
Logan’s body was finally able to draw a deep breath after six long days. The long-forgotten air seemed to drown his arid lungs.
“I don’t want to ever leave you again, Adeline.” He willed her to understand. “Leaving you here Sunday, just to walk to my car, was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. But I need you to understand something.” He swallowed and refused to let go of her. He pulled her into him tighter.
“If you had been having my baby, then it wouldn’t have just been you who was pregnant. We would have been having a baby. We would have gotten carried away and forgotten the cast. We would get married and have a family together, because, baby,” he leaned back and cradled her face in his hands, “When you asked me to sleep with you, to give you that, and…” he forced himself to go on, “to take that away from you. I would never have done that without that kind of commitment to you.”
“I would’ve been right there with you, because I don’t just have sex with you because it feels so good, Adeline. I do it because I love you, and I want to be with you the way no one else has ever been.”
“When we’re together like that, it is everything to me. And if one day we create a child that way, then it will only be a good thing, because I just don’t see how anything unwanted could come out of you and me being together like that.”
“If I hadn’t known when you and I decided to have a physical relationship that if it should somehow lead to a baby that I was ready for that, and that we could make it work, then I wouldn’t have agreed to make love with you.”
“I’m not walking away if the going gets tough, and you know what? Nothing, not one single thing, could ever be as hard as trying to live without you. If you’re beside me, then we can get through anything, but I can’t do one damn thing without you.”
“Logan…” she wrapped her arms around him and sobbed. She let him hold her. The feeling was exquisite. Just to be in the midst of her made him whole.
“I just feel like I don’t have anything good for you. You’re so much better off without me and all of my problems. Look at what happened to your family all because of me!”
“No, baby,” he shook his head and clung to her. “Everybody has shit going on that they’d rather not have to deal with, but that’s life, Ad, and I want to spend my life with you. No matter what it brings, no matter what complicates it, or makes it more difficult than it should be”.
“If I get to hold on to you, then all of the other stuff is worth it. If I get to crawl into bed beside you at the end of whatever the day has been, then there isn’t one single thing better than that.”
“So, life’s gonna keep dishing up stuff we may not like, but the only way I know how to get through it all is to hold on to you and never let you go again.”
“I’m so scared, Logan,” she finally punctured the tightly woven cap on her guarded emotions. She lost it all. She sobbed convulsively. Tears soaked his shirt as he held her tightly.
“I know, baby. I know you’re scared.”
She finally fell apart, but it was all right. He knew, in that moment, as she clung to him with such ferocity that he felt her nails dig into his arms, that it was going to be all right, because she was going to let him help her put herself back together. And she was going to help him put ‘them’ back together.
“I love you so much, Adeline, and this is a hell of a place to do this, but I love you and I want you, and I will want you every single day for the rest of my life.”
“I want to be with you in the good times and in the bad. I want to be the soft place for you to fall when the world is too much, sweetheart. I want that more than I want to draw my next breath. So….” He pulled away from her just long enough to get down on one knee in the kitchenette of her mother’s one-whore brothel. He shuddered at the thought as he produced the ring box from his pocket. Her eyes goggled as she gasped.
“Will you please, please, let me be that, Adeline? Will you please marry me?” He popped open the box as she covered her face with her hands and cried harder. “Please, baby, I’m begging here. I can’t do this without you, just please.”
She nodded, and a timid smile broke through her anguished tears. He put the ring on her finger, stood, and pulled her to him just as doubt cast her face again.
“Logan, there are so many girls who would be so much better for you. I mean, what if I end up in prison, or what if there’s something really wrong with me?”
He held her tightly. His shield spilled out over them, the first he’d been able to cast in a week.
“I will not allow you to go to prison, Adeline and, baby, nothing is wrong with you. You are smart, and sweet, and kind, and good, and gentle, and beautiful… and perfect.”
“No, I’m not! Logan, I still haven’t started, and I’m not pregnant. There might be something really wrong with me. You don’t want that.”
Pain and terror shot through his veins as he cradled her to him.
“I want you just the way you are, Adeline, and if there is something wrong then I want to be there for that, too. No matter what, you are who I want. You’re who I wanted six years ago when I saw you walk into sub-freshman orientation. You are who I want right now, and you will be who I’ll want forever!”
He shoved both of his hands up the back of her scrubs shirt and grasped her back tightly. If she couldn’t feel it in his shield around her, then he would push his rhythms into her. “Feel me, Adeline. Feel me now. I’m not lying to you. I’m not making this up. The anguish that you feel that was from the past six days, and the
love and adoration that’s from right now.”
“But what if there’s something wrong, and I can’t have kids?” She shook in her terror, but he remained steadfast.
“I have seven brothers and a sister.” He kissed her forehead. “We can have lots of nieces and nephews. I just want you.”
“What if I have to go to jail? What if my mom keeps telling them I did all of that stuff?”
“I don’t care what your mother says. You are not going to jail, but even if you did, I would come visit you every single day, and I would wait forever for you!”
She seemed lost in a sea of confusion and desperation. She wanted so badly to believe what he was saying, but she couldn’t quite allow herself that.
“What if I wanted to go find my father?” She studied him intently. Shock washed through him momentarily. Adeline had never discussed finding her father in any capacity.
“Then I would be elated, and I would pull every single string my family has access to in order to help you do that. You know, the one I’m begging you to become a part of.”
Her chin trembled again as she nodded. “I’m only saying yes because I love you so much, and I can’t stand being without you anymore. The past few days have been the worst of my entire life, and you know what my life was like before you.”
“I don’t care why you said yes. I just care that you did. Now, will you please come back home, Adeline?”
“Yes,” she shuddered. With a hesitant grin, she wrapped her arms around his neck as he lifted her up in his embrace.
“And you’ll never leave again, no matter what?” Logan demanded.
“Never,” she vowed.
He nodded, and let the words echo against his mending heart and wash through him. They soothed his aching soul.
“Well, then can I please help you pack?”
She smiled again. The sight lit Logan’s whole world.
“Thank you,” she whispered.
A few minutes later, they had her relatively few possessions packed, and they headed out the door.
He stopped suddenly and grasped her shoulder. “If you want to take a look back, then do it now, Adeline, because you aren’t coming back here.”
He had a few things he was going to insist upon before they left. She studied him as he continued. “And you just said you’d marry me, so that means me all of me, Logan Haydenshire, the Governor’s son, so all of the money, and all the press, and all of the good, and the bad that might go with that, okay?”
He was momentarily terrified that she’d change her mind, but she just nodded her acceptance.
“Then tomorrow we’re going to see Will, and we’re adding your name to my checking account. I’m going to get you a car, and you’re going to let me buy you things that you need or want,” he gave his final decree.
“Only if my paychecks go there as well, Logan,” she made a demand of her own. He felt his heart swell rapidly as he nodded his acceptance.
“And I don’t want to look back. I don’t want any part of this ever, ever again. I don’t care what you say. I don’t deserve you, but I don’t ever want to live without you again. So, I’ll do anything you ask, if you just promise that you’ll never leave me again.”
Tears welled in her eyes, and he set her suitcase down. He pulled her to him and wrapped her up tightly in his body.
“Never,” he vowed.
Make Me Whole
Logan drove her home. He held her hand in his, and told her repeatedly how much he loved her and how much he’d missed her. He pulled into the garage and opened her door for her. He clung to her hand as he lifted her suitcase from the trunk and led her inside.
Rainer and Emily met them at the door.
“I take it that went well?” Rainer grinned at him and slapped him on the back.
“Yeah,” Logan held up her hand in his own. The diamond ring sparkled with hope and renewed faith.
Emily squealed and threw her arms around Adeline. “Okay, you can marry him, but if you ever break his heart like that again, I will hunt you down and strangle you.”
“Yeah, and I’ll help her,” Rainer agreed.
Adeline didn’t seem to mind the threats. “That only seems fair, I guess.” She reached back and took Logan’s hand again.
“Hey, would you all mind…?” Logan gestured his head out the door.
“Already packed,” Rainer pointed to a few duffle bags on the counter.
“Thanks, for everything.”
“Hey, you’re my best friend. It was my pleasure.” With that, he grabbed their bags and led Emily to the Hummer.
“Do you feel all right, baby?” Logan guided Adeline to the sofa. He was still thinking about her concern over her lack of period.
She smiled at him sweetly. “I feel overwhelmed and so thankful to be here, and just… I don’t know. I feel like I’m dreaming, and I’m terrified to wake up.”
“Well, I’ve been living a nightmare for the past week, so a dream sounds like a really good thing to me,” Logan replied softly as he cradled her on his chest. It was right where she belonged, and her mother, and Brad, and everyone else could just turn and walk away.
“I’m so sorry, Logan. I just,” she shook her head. She was on the verge of tears again. “You’re sure you want to marry me?” Disbelief echoed in her plea.
“I’ve never been more certain of anything, ever.” He kissed the top of her head and rubbed his hands up and down her back.
“Brad told me he did a pregnancy test. Do you need to see him again, or another Medio?” He wasn’t certain what was going to happen, but he knew that he’d be there no matter what.
Regret colored her features again. “Brad thinks it was because I was so stressed out over the drug testing, and then breaking up with you, and I haven’t really been eating much,” she admitted hesitantly.
Logan’s eyes closed, and he bit his lips to keep from scolding her.
“So, he and Medio Dawson, she’s Brooke’s Medio, both thought I would start in a few days, once I calmed down, but Medio Dawson said she’d be happy to do an exam next week if I still hadn’t.”
“Okay,” Logan gave her a reassuring smile. “Well, if you need to have that done then I want to come with you, but nothing hurts or anything? There’s no reason to think anything other than stress is what might be wrong?”
She shook her head then tucked it under his chin. The motion made Logan feel like everything in his world had suddenly been made right again.
“I love you so much, Adeline, and I think Brad and Medio Dawson are probably right, but I will be there no matter what, even if there is something else causing all of this.”
“I know you will.” Her voice carried her astonishment. “I can’t believe how lucky I am. I can’t believe you slept in the parking lot. I can’t believe anyone could love me that much.”
He shook his head. “Well, I can’t believe you thought I’d leave you there.”
She wrapped her arms around him tighter. “Well, I told you to.”
He chuckled and reveled in the energy he could feel coming through her hands. He was desperate to feel more.
“Though none of us have a leg up on Emily, the Haydenshire boys are pretty damn stubborn, too.”
“Yeah, and I’m the dumbest girl in the world for asking you to leave, and the luckiest because you didn’t.”
He sat back and eased her away from his chest momentarily. He brushed an errant hair behind her ear and gazed at her with tender adoration.
“You are not dumb, Adeline. You’re one of the smartest people I’ve ever met.” His vow made her blush. The fever in her cheeks had his newly-resurfaced libido pushing into overdrive. “You were scared and, believe me, I get that.”
She gave a slight nod and then let her eyes close. She was reveling in his touch. Logan’s heart sped and his breaths quickened. “But I will keep you safe, Ad, all of you. I don’t ever want you to be afraid again. I will never let anything happen to you, sweetheart.”
“I love you, Logan,” she choked. “I love you more than anything else in the entire world, and I want to marry you, and have a family with you, and I just want to be everything you’ve ever wanted, but I’m still scared that I can’t ever be good enough for you. I’m going to disappoint you.”
“Baby, you are everything I’ve ever wanted, and you could never ever disappoint me, Adeline, unless you walk away again.”
She shook her head combatively. “I can’t,” she shuddered. “I’m not strong enough to do that again. I need you too badly.”
She sobbed again, and he rocked her back and forth. He soothed her and cradled her in his tender embrace. She added more tears to his already-ruined shirt.
“Shh, baby, shh. I promise it’s okay. I’m right here,” He wiped away her tears. “I will always be right here, Ad, right beside you.”
“Your grandfather hates me,” she squeaked out between gasping sobs. This, of all things, made Logan laugh as he continued to wipe away her tears.
“My grandfather hates everyone, baby. I’d say he’s the world’s biggest bigot, but that isn’t quite true. He hates everyone equally.”
Despite her tears, she laughed. Her sweet smile broke through her anguish.
“And I don’t give a damn what my grandfather or anyone else thinks. As far as I’m concerned, as long as you’re right here beside me then nothing could be better, and Grandpa Haydenshire can fuck off.” This brought on more laughter.
Suddenly she leaned up and gazed at him. Hope and timid hunger played in her tear-swollen eyes.
Logan reveled in the moment. He drank in her hesitation. He wanted to wipe away the pain and the doubt still swirling in her eyes.
Swallowing down an overwhelming amount of need, he guided her mouth to his. He forced himself to start slowly. He sweetly brushed her lips with his own, but she wanted more.
With a heady groan of relief and expectation, he devoured her mouth. He slipped his tongue between her lips, and intertwined it with hers in a slow rhythmic dance as her lips swelled under his kiss. She shivered deliciously, and he felt his world become whole once again.