Facets

by Barbara Delinsky

  “You mean, she has Teflon-coated caldrons?”

  “I mean, she has a modern stove and refrigerator, a microwave oven, a television with a small satellite dish, plus a VCR and an extensive collection of films. Seems she’s a sucker for situation comedy. Three’s a Crowd, Who’s the Boss, Cheers—you name it, she has taped collections.”

  “Where did she get them?”

  “Cutter. He’s been sending her stuff for years.”

  “The microwave and the stove, too?”

  Hillary nodded.

  “In gratitude for nursing him?”

  She nodded again and turned her face to the breeze. It lifted the hair off her neck, offering pleasant relief from the warmth of the sun and the tension of her thoughts.

  “And you? Did you take Cutter in for old times’ sake?”

  “And for Pam’s sake. I knew she liked him. I also—” She hesitated, feeling guilty.

  “You also what?”

  She sighed. “I had mixed enough feelings for John to take Cutter in out of defiance. I knew that John had given him trouble over the years. Somehow it seemed right that I give him his start in the big city. Not that I dreamed he’d actually make it. He seemed harmless. I knew that he had worked hard at the mine, but there was no correlation between mining and anything in New York. It never occurred to me that he would pose any kind of threat to John.”

  “Does he? Have I missed something here?”

  Hillary wasn’t sure. Since she’d seen Cutter the week before, there had been times when she wondered how on top of things she really was. “He’s become a somebody, all right. He knew the movers and shakers at that reception last week, and they knew him.”

  “Does that make him a threat to John?”

  “Not per se.” She was trying to figure out her unease. “But back then he had so much anger. He said there were two things pushing him when he left Timiny Cove—getting Pam, and getting back at John. He doesn’t have either yet, but I can’t believe he’s given up. Especially now that I know . . .?this.”

  She felt Arlan watching her closely. Seeking to escape his scrutiny, she rose and began walking again. It wasn’t long before he was beside her.

  “It bothers you, doesn’t it?”

  “Of course it bothers me. I hate violence.”

  “It’s great for the book.”

  That was true. Whether it was great for her peace of mind was something else.

  “Hillary?”

  She continued walking.

  “Talk to me, Hillary.”

  “About what?”

  “About whether you’re getting cold feet. You’re not having second thoughts, are you?”

  “No.” But she knew she sounded hesitant. She also knew that if she didn’t offer an explanation, he’d hound her forever. “I just didn’t expect to start unearthing surprises. Like this business about the beating.”

  “And the will. Don’t forget the bequest that was never bequeathed.”

  She couldn’t. It ate at her.

  “Pretty eye-opening,” Arlan remarked, chewing on his straw. “The guy really is a bastard.”

  “He has his strong points.”

  “But they aren’t what will make your story.”

  “I know,” she said softly.

  Arlan stepped directly in front of her, forcing her to a stop. “The contract is in the works, Hillie. We’ve agreed on the terms. You’re on the schedule for next July. Don’t fink out on me now.”

  “I won’t. I’m writing the story.”

  “Including the good parts?”

  “Of course.”

  “Even though you love the guy?”

  “I don’t love him,” she muttered and looked away. “He’s getting married next month.”

  Arlan leaned close. “But he doesn’t love her.”

  Her eyes flew to his. “Does it matter? Since when do people marry for love? Since when is love enough to sustain a relationship? Things don’t work that way, Arlan. Love is a frivolous concept. It’s something we entertain when we’re too young to know better. It doesn’t have much of a role in the real-life scheme of things.”

  “Would Cutter agree with that?”

  “Probably.”

  “Has he stopped loving Pam?”

  “No, but she’s married to someone else, and he’s alone.”

  “Has he given up on her? She was the other half of what he swore he’d get when he left Timiny Cove. Seventeen years have gone by since then. Has he conceded defeat?”

  Of course not, Hillary thought, but she didn’t say it. She couldn’t believe that Cutter had conceded defeat where Pam was concerned—any more than she could believe that he was done with John. Maybe she didn’t want to believe it. Maybe it was the old-fashioned part of her that wanted love to win out and justice to prevail.

  And yet, Cutter had seemed satisfied. But was he so content because he anticipated greater satisfaction?

  Cutter had had the look of a man expecting vindication.

  Or had she been imagining it?

  She’d have to ask Pam.

  Chapter 17

  Boston, 1974

  PAM HURRIEDLY LOCKED THE bathroom cubicle and whirled to hang over the toilet. She had to throw up. She felt it coming. She wanted to, if that would settle her stomach. She had a class in thirty minutes, and she’d absolutely die if she made a fool of herself there.

  But nothing happened.

  Nothing had happened in ten days, which was how long she’d been waking up nauseated. Morning sickness. She guessed it was as emotional as physical. Being pregnant was both a miraculously wonderful and a positively terrifying prospect.

  Suddenly giddy, she leaned against the cubicle door and grinned at the ceiling. In the next breath, her eyes filled with tears. Lowering her head, she buried her face in her hands.

  It had happened in Cutter’s truck on that cold night in December. Neither of them had been prepared. Neither had expected to make love, much less there. It had been spontaneous, uncontrollable, and more than a little desperate.

  She hadn’t seen him since.

  Hit by the ache of that hollowness, she leaned over the toilet again. Her arms shook as they propped her up. Her skin felt clammy. Closing her eyes, she took an unsteady breath. She knew she had to get control of herself. She would forget the class in twenty minutes; she had the rest of her life to manage.

  Straightening, she brushed the tears from her eyes, left the cubicle, and went to the sink. The cold water felt good on her skin. Time and again she splashed her face, and would have gone on for a while had another student not come in. She mumbled a wet hello, buried her face in a towel, then, when it was marginally dry, left.

  Mercifully, she had a single room, so she was spared having to make explanations when she took a cracker, propped herself up in bed, and began to munch on it. She’d feel better once she ate, she knew.

  She didn’t feel better when she thought of Cutter, though. She ached. Being without him for the last two months had been as bad as losing her parents. Neither loss made sense. In Cutter’s case, the loss was even harder because he was out there, somewhere, and she didn’t know where.

  Unfortunately, it had taken her a while to realize that. She had assumed, back in December when the days went by without a call, that he was very wary. After all, she was the one who had pushed for caution. She was the one who’d been terrified that John might find them out. After a week, her frustration mounted. She thought for sure that Cutter would call her from a pay phone, where nothing could be traced. Several days later, she used one herself, but he didn’t answer his phone. She kept trying. After three weeks, she began to feel frightened.

  Marcy, who was in constant touch with her family, told her that Cutter had vanished.

  “Vanished? He can’t just have vanished,” she argued.

  But Marcy held firm. “He’s off the payroll, out of the bank, gone.”

  “But why?”

  Marcy looked helplessly blank.
<
br />   “Someone has to know where he went. All the men he stood up for—”

  “I had Lizzie ask. They don’t know.”

  “Aren’t they worried?” Pam certainly was, and angry. “Aren’t they wondering whether maybe he’s in some kind of trouble and needs their help for a change? Aren’t they asking questions?”

  Marcy was slower, more reluctant in answering. “That’s not how they are. They don’t ask. They accept. They adjust. Cutter left. Life goes on.”

  Pam wasn’t so sure of that in the weeks that followed. She was miserable. One minute, she was sure that Cutter had abandoned her, that he had decided that loving her was too hard, that he’d given up the fight. The next minute, she was sure that John was involved in his disappearance. She couldn’t ask him; it would be revealing and dangerous. She couldn’t talk with Simon Blaise or Verne Walker, or even the FBI, for the same reason. So she was as helpless as the miners. Only she felt ten times worse.

  The first time she missed her period, she attributed it to worry. The second time, she knew the truth. She didn’t have to go to a doctor for confirmation. The sun was rising inside her, a little bit of Cutter growing there, making her feel full, worthwhile, and redeemed.

  And scared.

  She was going to have the baby. There was no question about that. It didn’t matter that the Supreme Court had made abortion legal and easily obtainable. She wanted the baby. She figured that it would come in September, which meant that she could graduate with her class in June without many people even knowing of the pregnancy.

  But John would know. His eagle eyes would see it. He would be furious, particularly if he knew the baby was Cutter’s. Maybe she wouldn’t have to tell him. Maybe she could run off, take her own apartment, and have the baby alone. She would be eighteen, an adult. College could wait.

  Then she realized that John would be furious regardless of what she did. Her stomach churned at the thought. But she was going to have the baby, and if it looked like Cutter, she’d be thrilled. John could threaten all he wanted. He could resort to blackmail. He could try to manipulate her as he had in the past, only this time it wouldn’t work. There was a life growing inside her and it was as precious to her as her own.

  She wondered if it was a boy or a girl.

  She wondered if it was hard to take care of a baby.

  She wondered if people would look at her like she was a slut.

  She wondered if John would disown her, and if he did, what access she would have to the trust fund her father had left her.

  She wondered what Patricia would say. And Marcy. And Hillary.

  She wondered where Cutter was.

  As the next two weeks passed, though, she wondered most if she could make it through the semester. The nausea was nearly constant, and no matter how much she slept, she was tired. She didn’t dare let up on her schoolwork lest her grades slip. She didn’t want anyone at school, even her friends, to guess she was pregnant, so she had to deny the symptoms. And although she feared that something was wrong, since she was so sick, she feared seeing a doctor more. She was still underage. A doctor would report back to John.

  The matter was taken out of her hands during the first week in March, when, rising from her chair at the end of Art History, she passed out cold. When she came to, she was on the floor, looking up at a ring of concerned faces. She struggled up, and might have convinced those around her that she was fine, had the headmaster not been passing by. He insisted that she be taken to the infirmary. Worse, he called John, who deemed it important enough to pick her up and take her to his personal physician.

  “You look like hell,” he said on the way there, and she knew she did. She felt like hell. Pregnant women were supposed to be radiant, but the only thing she radiated was exhaustion. Something was wrong. She was nearly as frightened for the baby as she was about John finding out she was pregnant. One scenario after another raced through her mind. By the time they reached the doctor’s office, she was a bundle of nerves.

  The first thing the doctor did was give her a sedative. When it had taken effect enough to silence her protests, he gave her the kind of examination the doctor at school hadn’t thought to give. When he was finished, he removed her feet from the stirrups, covered her shivering body with a blanket, and left the room.

  She was lying with an arm thrown over her eyes when the door opened again, then closed, and she knew the moment of judgment had come. She wished she felt up to it, but the world seemed vaguely distant. Still, she tried to steel herself for a fight.

  “You’ve really done it,” John said in a low, controlled voice. “Three months along.”

  Instinct made her deny the charge, albeit weakly. “He didn’t do any tests. He can’t be sure.”

  “He doesn’t have to do tests. Not this late. He saw.”

  She swallowed tightly. The nausea was there, but it, too, seemed distant.

  “Is it his?” John asked.

  She thought of denying it, but she didn’t have the strength. Besides, one part of her was furious at Cutter for not being with her just then. “Yes.”

  “Didn’t you use anything?”

  “Once we didn’t.”

  “That’s all it takes.”

  She was aware of feeling lighter—perhaps from the sedative, perhaps from sheer relief that the secret was out and she was still alive. John didn’t sound as angry as she had thought he would be.

  “When was it?” he asked.

  “December. Early December.”

  “Have you seen him since?”

  She swallowed. “No.”

  “Are you sure?”

  Annoyed that he was prodding right where she hurt, she took her arm from her eyes. “I can’t find him. He’s gone. He doesn’t even know about the baby.”

  “That’s good.”

  “It’s not good. It’s his baby, too. He should be here with me.” Turning away from him, she tucked up her knees and pulled the blanket to her chin. She felt cold and alone. She should be used to feeling that way, she knew, but the thought didn’t help. The trembling wasn’t from a surface chill. It came from deep inside and was the kind that a blanket couldn’t stop.

  “I’ll help you.”

  Tears came to her eyes. “I want Cutter.”

  “He’s run off. Gave Simon a day’s notice and left. No one knows where he is. Maybe he knew you were in trouble.”

  “He couldn’t have.”

  “He has no sense of responsibility.”

  “He just doesn’t know I’m pregnant, and I can’t find him.”

  “What would he do if he knew? Race back here?”

  “Yes.”

  “That’s the last thing he’d do. He doesn’t have money, and he doesn’t have a job.”

  “Maybe he does. Somewhere else.”

  “Doing what? Flipping burgers? Working on an assembly line? Face it, Pam, he’s a loser. You have the rest of your life before you. You’re better off without him. He would only drag you down.”

  “But I want him.”

  John was silent for a minute. “You’re tired and confused. You’ve been through a lot.” He sighed. “Why didn’t you tell me about this? Did you plan to go through it all alone?”

  She peered at him over her shoulder. He looked sympathetic. Then again, she wasn’t sure she trusted her eyesight. The sedative was probably clouding her vision. She was probably seeing what she wanted to see. “I couldn’t tell you. You’d have hit the roof.”

  “Did I?”

  She hesitated. “No.”

  “I can be reasonable.”

  “You aren’t usually, when it comes to me.”

  “Because I insisted you get your grades up? But you’ve done it. Doesn’t that make you feel good?”

  She stared at him. His voice was gentle. She recalled another time when it had been that way. He had nearly raped her then. But he couldn’t have rape on his mind now. Not in a doctor’s office. Not with her pregnant and sick.

  He guided damp st
rands of hair away from her temple and said quietly, “Come on. Get up and get dressed. You need rest.”

  “Is the baby all right?”

  “You’re weak. Haven’t you been eating?”

  “I’m nauseated most of the time.”

  He went to the door. “We can do something about that. I’ll be waiting out here.”

  She watched the door close, then pushed herself up. The sedative slowed her, weighing down her limbs. Or perhaps it was due to fatigue. Or to confusion. John hadn’t reacted at all as she’d expected. She didn’t know what to think. He was being uncharacteristically nice. Remembering Palm Beach, she didn’t want to trust him. But she needed someone to lean on. The thought of going through pregnancy and delivery all by herself was more than a little daunting. She wanted Cutter, but, damn him, Cutter wasn’t there. If John was willing to accept the baby, she couldn’t turn her back on his help. After silently carrying her burden for nearly three months, she was relieved to share it.

  Back in the car, he was solicitous. Was she too warm? Too cold? Did she want to lower the back of her seat? Exhausted, she did that, then closed her eyes and dozed. When she came to, she was disoriented.

  “Where are we?”

  “Route Six.”

  She raised her seat, but even looking out the window she couldn’t make sense of it. “This is the road to the Cape.”

  “That’s right.”

  “What are we doing here?”

  “There’s a private hospital in Chatham. It’s a restful place.”

  She sat straighter. “I thought you were taking me back to school.”

  “Pam, you passed out there. You’re exhausted. That’s the last place I’d take you.”

  “I have exams coming up. I have to study.”

  “You have to regain some strength.”

  “Then home. Take me home.”

  “This will be better. You’ll have plenty of care.”

  “I don’t need plenty of care. I want to go home.”

  “Relax. Everything’s going to be fine. You’ll spend a few days here. Come Monday, you’ll be back at school. You’ll have plenty of time to study then.”

  “I don’t like this.”

  “It’s the sensible thing. You’re in lousy shape. Let me take care of you for a change, okay?”