One night, after a particularly intense dream, Shep woke to Fionna crying. His mind instantly thought he must have been talking in his sleep about his dream woman. Guilt crept into his mind and his gut, making him feel rather nauseous. He turned toward his wife and scooted closer to her. She was lying with her back to him, trying to stifle the tiny little sobs. He pulled her close to him, wrapping his arms around her body, holding her tightly. She didn't resist him, which he thought was a good sign. He let her lie there, crying in his arms, until he thought he heard the last sob. Her body stopped trembling, and he could no longer feel teardrops on his arms.
“Fionna love, please tell me why you are crying,” he gently urged. She was silent for some time before she responded.
“You really want to know?” she asked and he held her tighter, kissing her head in reply. “Well, you are gone all day training the Specials, now leaving no time for you and me. Kelsha won't leave her room or let anyone other than Heren in. I am lonely, Shep. I feel terrible for feeling this way. I know you have a job to do and Kelsha is mourning her child, but that leaves me alone most of the time,” she explained, and he knew that was not the entire truth. She was correct that he had been spending more and more time training, and he had been distant in bed, but he always passed it off as being tired. He understood she was lonely, but that was not what was causing her current distress. One thing he knew of Fionna, she enjoyed her solitude. She spent countless hours getting lost in the surrounding forest or weeding the enormous garden she was growing.
“There is more, darling. Do you not trust me?” he asked.
“I do, Shep, it's just a little hard to talk about,” she replied.
“Please, talk to me! Is there anything I can do?” he pleaded.
“I want a child, Shep,” she exclaimed and his body tensed behind her. He considered having children. He knew being a mother would make Fionna happy. He was sure she would be a wonderful mother. The problem, and the truth, was he truly didn't want children. He didn't know why and knew it was unfair to his wife. He just didn't feel having a child with her was right. Shep couldn’t explain why it felt wrong, and he would never admit that to his wife. In fact, he would give her one, if she truly desired a child.
“I didn't realize you wanted a child so badly,” he said, attempting to sound supportive rather than stunned.
“Shep, we make love nearly nightly, have you not wondered why I have yet to be with child?” she asked. He never thought about it. She continued without his answer.
“I want a child badly. It should not have taken this long for me to be with your child. I think I am barren. I went to see the healer, the one that specializes in fertility and she confirmed my fears. I cannot carry your child,” she finished and the sobbing began again.
“What do you mean, my child?” he asked rather accusingly.
“She said that although my womb is ready and able to carry a child she does not see it as being compatible with you. I should have been with child a long time ago, Shep. Our bodies are not compatible,” she whispered, trying to hold back the tears.
Shep was stunned. He never imagined his body wouldn't be compatible with his wife's body. He found it nearly impossible to believe, but deep down, he was relieved. He was truly sorry for his wife's heartbreak, but he had no desire to have a child of his own. He didn't know what to say to soothe her. He held her tightly and whispered, “I'm sorry.”
“Me too,” she replied before breaking his grip on her and getting out of bed. He lay there, watching her dress and wondered why he wasn't more in tune with her. She was beautiful, caring, sweet, feisty, and when they made love, they were amazing. He loved her. He must. She was his wife after all. The fact that he had no memory of their meeting, their wedding, nothing before that day he woke in her bed, had no bearing on his mind. They were good together, so why didn't he feel it anymore? His feelings for his wife seemed to diminish greatly after the strange lady came to him and even more when the dream girl pulled him to her.
For the first time since he woke with Fionna, he wondered if he was in the wrong place, with the wrong people. He couldn't imagine having lived a life outside of this compound, away from Kelsha, away from Fionna. There was something missing, though. He could feel it strongly now. He just didn't know what was missing and why the hell he could no longer love that wonderful little creature he called his wife.
He reprimanded himself silently, vowing to be a better husband to her. What choice did he have? Regardless of the strange lady and dream girl, this was his home, his life, his wife, and he would have to start focusing on that. He forced himself out of bed and went to stand behind her.
“We will figure something out, Fionna. I promise,” he said, not sure he would be able to keep that promise, but knowing he would try damn hard.
~Chapter Twelve~
I was happy to see Shep. I couldn’t touch him or even go to him, but he was there and reaching for me. I was sure I was in Heaven and would soon be in Shep’s arms. I felt an excited calmness and just waited for him. In the distance, I heard an array of obnoxious noises, beeps, swooshes, and voices. I tried to push the sounds away. I had no intention of leaving this place where I was so close to Shep. The pull was irresistible, and though I fought it, I was pulled from my happy place.
I opened my eyes to the same cacophony of noises that had so rudely interrupted my peaceful place. Bright lights glared into my eyes, nothing like the soft light I waited in for Shep. My eyes were blurry and took a moment to adjust. The voices were gone, yet I felt the presence of another body in the room. My eyes began to adjust to the offending lights as my senses became sharper. I was afraid, for no good reason, but felt panic creeping in. I began looking around the room, frantically trying to figure out where I was. My hands went instinctively to my belly. The swell I had grown so accustomed to was gone.
Panic was in full swing now. My mind raced as I tried to remember what had led me here and where my baby was. Then she stood above me, her exotic beauty in all its glory, and I decided I must have died and gone to Heaven. I felt my eyes misting over and was unsure if I was sad or relieved to be in Heaven.
Her hand rested on my forehead as she smiled down at me. “Leah, am I in Heaven?” I choked out. Her dark eyes were glossy. Her face was wet with tears, and a look of relief washed over her face.
“Oh no, Lilly, you are not in Heaven. You are very much alive, honey. You have an amazing baby boy waiting to meet his mother,” she said, her voice bursting with a mix of emotions I couldn’t place. I tried to process her words.
“I thought you were dead, they told us you were dead. How are you here? How did you know? Is Shep with you? Is this a dream?” I was sobbing as the questions poured out.
I tried to sit up, but a pain ripped through my lower belly. “Lilly, lie back, you had a C-section to get the baby out. You are going to be very sore for awhile, but you made it and so did the baby. Jax very nearly killed me, but failed, thank God. I have been in Neveah, trying to rebuild and regain my strength so I can stop my insane sister and get my son back. Shep is with her and it seems he has no memory of us or this place. I am taking care of things in Neveah, don’t even think about it. I will bring Shep home. I promise, Lilly.”
“Why did you come back?”
“For you and the baby.”
“How did you know?”
“Calista has been watching you and saw that there was going to be complications. That’s when I came. I brought you here. I have been here waiting for you to wake and meet your baby,” she finished breathless.
“Oh, Leah, I am so happy to see you!” I felt a wave of relief wash over me. She wasn’t my mother, but was close and having her here made my heart lighter and gave me a sense of security.
“Me too, Lilly, are you ready to meet your son?” she asked. I shook my head yes, and she promptly left my room.
I used the few minutes she was gone to gather my wits. So many thoughts were circulating in my head. I couldn't believe Leah
was alive and here with me. I believed her when she said she would bring Shep home. Leah usually got what she wanted, and she wanted her son back. The hole in my heart was fresh again just thinking of Shep and the possibility of him coming home. My heart was beginning to flutter as I thought about a future with Shep and our son. Then it hit me, my son. The bump that had grown inside me, that was part of me, was now his own little person. I was a mother. Suddenly, I couldn't wait to see my boy.
I knew I wouldn’t be able to sit up, but didn’t want to be flat on my back when I met my baby. I found the buttons on the bed and slowly raised the head. I was in a semi upright position and fought the nausea that was threatening my moment. Leah came into the room, carrying a bundle of blankets close to her body. Her smile was wide, and her eyes were shining with pride. My heart was hammering with excitement. She came close to the bed, and I held out my arms. She gently placed my baby in my arms, and I cried at the sight of him.
He was magnificent. He was a direct reflection of the best of Shep and me. His beauty broke my heart and mended my pain in the same way. He was olive skinned like his daddy, and hair was the darkest auburn I had ever seen. His eyes were like sparkly emeralds and his wrinkly body was soft and warm. “He is amazing, isn’t he?” I said out loud.
“Yes, he is beautiful, Lilly. Do you have a name for him?” she asked.
“Yes, the choice was simple. James Michael Wagner. Hello, baby James,” I said and kissed my boy gently on the head.
“Perfect,” she replied and sat on the bed beside the baby and me.
Leah stayed with me the entire day. She showed me how to change his diaper and helped me get the hang of nursing. She showed me how to ‘swaddle’ baby James, and she rocked him in the chair when I needed to rest. She slept on the window couch that night, refusing to leave my side. I watched her sleep that night as I sat up feeding James. I watched her chest rise and fall and listened to her breathing. Her being there was a miracle to me. I watched her closely to make sure she didn’t disappear.
I woke the next morning to her rocking the baby and quietly singing a lullaby. “Good morning, Leah,” I said sleepily.
“Oh, well, good morning, sunshine. Did you sleep well?”
“Yeah, well, for a few hours anyway,” I replied.
“Get use to that, sleep will be a luxury over the next few months.” She giggled as she spoke, as though recalling a memory of long ago.
“I know. I don’t mind. He was a night baby before he was born, always kicking my insides all night long.” We both laughed and she came to give me my boy. Her face had been joyous and full of pride a moment before, now she wore a look of worry and sadness.
“Are you all right?” I asked. She sighed and began to pace around the room.
“I can’t stay much longer, Lilly. I am expected in Neveah soon. I have to finish what was started there, the sooner the better. Shep needs to be here with you and his son, but I don’t want to go,” she said and choked back a weep.
“You can’t leave until Michael knows you are alive and well. He has missed you terribly.” She looked at me, the sadness taking up residence on her entire face.
“I can’t see him, Lilly. If I do, I don’t know if I will have the strength to leave him again. I don’t know if he would allow me to leave him again. I miss him so much it hurts, but I have to finish this before I go home to him.”
She dried her tears and stood tall and proud. I wanted her to stay more than almost anything. The one thing I wanted more was Shep, and she was the person that could bring him home to me. I understood her need to go soon, and why she couldn’t see Michael before she left. I didn’t want to be alone, though. I had never been around a baby and was frightened to be on my own with him. As though she could read my mind, she came to me and kissed me gently. “Don’t worry, you will be fine,” she said softly, and I believed her.
She showed me how to use the car seat and told me the truck was parked just outside the hospital doors. I would need to be in here at least another day and she encouraged me to ask the nurses for help as much as I needed. She asked me not to tell Michael that she had been here. She couldn’t promise to come home again, though she would do her damnedest, we both knew the danger she was facing. She didn’t want to get his hopes up just to have them crushed. No point in him grieving for her twice. I promised not to tell, and she kissed me and her grandson goodbye. She had only been gone a few minutes, and already I was lonely.
I spent the rest of the day getting out of bed and walking. I was eating solid foods and able to use the toilet on my own. I was healing beyond the doctor’s expectations and was allowed to take my baby home the next day. I couldn’t wait to get home where I was comfortable and to show James his nursery.
I pulled into the drive with a feeling of excitement. “We’re home, baby boy,” I said to him.
I was shocked when I walked in the front door and was assaulted by balloons, flowers, and gifts. I gazed around the room in amazement. I assumed it was all from Leah and wondered how she managed to do all this in such a small amount of time. I was lost in a world of blue and green when I heard a sound coming from the kitchen. Instantly, I was on alert and grabbed Shep’s hunting knife from the stand by the front door. I cuddled the baby close to me and silently made my way to the back of the house. My heart was racing, and I prayed James would stay quietly asleep in my arms. I made it to the back of the house where I heard voices drifting out. I cautiously peeped into the room and nearly fainted at the sight.
Standing there, at the stove, was my grandmother and Aunt Vivianna. At the table were my grandfather and Uncle Denali. The two men were leisurely drinking from coffee mugs that I was sure did not hold coffee, while the women busied themselves cooking. All four were chatting about me and the baby. Excitement filled the air as they spoke and my heart warmed knowing they were there. I had not expected anyone from Neveah to visit, though the invitation was there. None of them had ever traveled through the portal, nor did they show any interest in Earth.
I felt bad standing there, eavesdropping on their excited conversation. They didn’t say when I was expected back, but clearly, they were not expecting me today. Baby James was still sleeping snugly against my chest, but my arms were beginning to fall asleep and my lower belly was aching at having stood so long. I stepped into the kitchen and exclaimed, “We’re home!” The women stopped what they were doing at once and came to me, smiles wide and eyes misty. Both wrapped their arms around me, being cautious of the bundle I carried. The men rose as well and came to my side, all of them anxious to get a look at the newest member of our family.
I shifted him so that he lay in the crook of my arm, and he yawned lazily, but kept his tiny eyes closed. A collective sigh of awws and oohs were heard. I was ready to collapse. “I need to sit,” I said to no one specific. I was ready to fall down now, and the lower ache was getting worse. I feared I might drop James if I didn’t sit right away. Thankfully, my grandmother took him from my arms, and Denali helped me to the sitting room. The five of us were seated in the sitting room, me resting and them fawning over the baby. I was happy to have them and told them as much.
“I can’t believe you came here! I am really so happy you came to be with us. How long do you plan to stay?” I asked.
“As long as you’ll have us,” Vivianna replied.
“How did you know when to come?” I asked.
“Calista the Fey has been keeping watch on you. We sent word to Leah. We knew she was the only one able to navigate this world. We traveled through soon after Leah. We have been here for days, waiting for you to come home,” Denali informed me.
“You could have come to the hospital.” I suggested.
“No, we are not accustomed to this world, and would have no idea where to go,” she reasoned.
“Who brought all the flowers and balloons?” I asked. I wondered if they had been brave enough to go into town.
“Leah filled the house with balloons, flowers and food, as well a
s some things for the baby. We have brought gifts as well, would you like to see them?” Meme asked.
“Of course,” I said excitedly.
I was surprised by how I felt having them there with me. I was beyond happy and grateful. When I left Neveah, I didn’t expect to see that part of my family ever again, unless I chose to go back. My papa and Denali left the room and when they came back their arms were loaded with gifts. They placed them all beside me as my meme and Vivianna took turns holding the baby. I noticed that, although both men were clearly smitten with the baby, neither of them made a move to hold him. It was as though they were afraid.
“You can hold him, Papa.” I suggested and he stuttered.
“I don’t want to hurt him.” I giggled a little and saw Denali take a step back. He was also afraid.
“You can hold him too, Uncle Denali. He won’t break. I promise.” I giggled a little more. Meme and Vivianna giggled as well as the two men looked at each other, trying to coerce the other to take the baby first. I shook my head at the two of them. “Why don’t I open these first, then we can get you over this fear of the baby, deal?”
They both sighed in relief and muttered, “Deal,” in unison.
I sat myself up a little and reached for the first gift. It was lovingly wrapped in dried flower petals and contained a handmade toy. It was carved of wood and smoothed so as to not leave slivers. It was only a few inches long and twisted beautifully. I recognized it was an elf wand and knew it had been sent by Avery and Avelon. My meme confirmed it and told me it had belonged to Serephina. I was truly touched and felt a tear in my eyes. Calista sent a wonderful sculpture of the fairy tree from the Asrai cave. Cyrus and Abigail sent a small wooden rocking chair, and there were other various baby items all handmade or handed down, all with a touch of Neveah.
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