“Let go of me, Shep! I don’t want your filthy hands on me. You left me. You betrayed me. How dare you belittle my feelings,” I cried, but he just held me tighter.
Feeling defeated and exhausted I gave up the fight. He must have felt my body relax because I should have been lying on the ground, but instead I was in his arms. My body was spent, and I was sure my legs wouldn't be able to hold my weight.
“Please, Shep, put me down,” I pleaded, but it was a poor attempt.
“Don't worry, Lilly, I will put you down as soon as I find a safe place for you to fall apart again,” he responded quietly. I wanted him to fight back. I wanted him to yell at me. He didn’t, he just carried me, silently.
True to his word, once we were in the confines of the garden, where the ground was covered in downy grass, he set me down. I should have been embarrassed, but I was all out of self-pride. I should have stood up and fought him like my heart wanted me too, but I couldn't. Instead, I curled up in a ball and cried. I had a million emotions tied up inside of me. I cried for my mom. Lord knew I missed her with my whole heart. I cried for my father. I cried for my grandfather. I cried for Calista and her sisters. I cried for the land and the way it was wilting away. I cried for the lost time with my son. I cried for my lost time with Shep. I cried for my own jealousy. I cried and I lay there. When I was empty of tears and the chokes had subsided, I slowly sat up.
I hadn't heard a sound since Shep set me down. I figured he had walked away, left me there to deal with my own insecurities. I didn't see him when I began to look around and cursed myself for hoping he would have been there. 'Of course he left, he left you before and you were sane back then,' I said to myself thinking I was alone.
“I'm still here, Lilly,” I heard him say in a soft voice. I turned to see him sitting on the opposite side of the courtyard, on a bench, that was partially hidden by overgrown plants. I suddenly felt foolish and self-conscious. I didn't know what to say or where to start if I thought of something. For the first time, I was grateful that he spoke first.
“See that little stone over there?” He asked while pointing to a stone not too far from me. I shook my head yes unable to speak. “That is where my memory started to leak through. I didn't know it at the time, but looking back, I should have taken it as a sign. Kelsha's baby is buried there. The baby was stillborn. She was devastated, as was I. We were all beside ourselves with grief. They don't bury the dead here they build tombs for them. I would hear nothing of it. I couldn't let the baby lay dead in his cradle until a tomb was built. I suggested the idea of a burial. I built a casket out of his cradle. I dug the hole, and I covered him with dirt. Kelsha, Heren, Fionna and I had a small ceremony to say goodbye. I marked his little grave. That was when my memory began making an appearance,” he paused and stood, mesmerized by the little grave.
I couldn't read his face. It was as though he was wearing a mask. I was always able to read Shep's face so this new side was foreign to me and a little scary. It was my temper tantrum that brought that mask out after all, so I made no move to go to him. He stood stiff as he stared at the grave. A few minutes went by before he spoke again.
“I always thought it was strange that giving a burial would be what broke through my mental block. Why death? Then Kelsha sent me to you. She sent me to James. That's when I realized it wasn't death that cracked my wall, Lilly, it was fate. As sorry as I am to have had to bury that little baby, maybe fate took him for a reason. Without his death, Kelsha would have never sent me to you. I would still be here, with Fionna, posing as her husband and as faithful nephew to Kelsha. That boy never would have had a happy life with Kelsha, she is dangerous and has no right to have children,” he finished somewhat breathlessly. Still, I just stood watching him, unsure of what to say or do. Unsure of what his story had to do with me and my insecurity.
“I can apologize for the rest of my life, Lilly but I can’t change what I did. I want nothing more than to be with you. You are part of me, but I can’t stand to see you fall apart like that. Your pain is my pain, Lilly. If being with me is going to tear you apart, then I will stop trying to make it up to you. I will leave you alone. We can fight this war together and then you can go home, with James, and I will never bother you again. I don’t know why this is happening to us. I wish to God that we had never come to this place. I wish we would have stayed in Keno where we were happy but we didn’t and things happened. I can’t change them, Lilly. I hate what I did here, everything I did. I hate that I was foolish enough to believe that I was in love with Fionna. I hate that I trained an entire army for Kelsha. Most of all I hate the hurt that I felt when her baby died and the joy I missed when our baby was born. All I know for sure, all that is real and has always been real is my love for you,” he paused for breath but continued before I could speak.
“Before you make your decision you should know that Kelsha’s baby, named after me, died the same day our son was born. Did you know this baby died the same day our baby was born?” He asked me. I hadn't known that and for some reason that one little fact tugged at my heart. I shook my head no in response. I was beginning to understand why he was telling me this story. His gaze with the grave finally broke and traces of Shep came back to his face.
“Only one could live, Lilly and the God of Neveah or Earth or whatever, for whatever reason let our son live. I know James has great powers. Everyone can see it. Maybe their powers were too great for both of them to inhabit the land. Maybe there was too much evil running through that baby's veins. I know it's selfish and twisted and I shouldn't even think this but I'm glad the Gods chose James.” He came to me as he spoke those last words and gently cupped my face in his strong hands. I understood now. Fate, or a God, or Goddess, or whoever stepped in for a divine intervention which allowed my James to live and Kelsha's son not to. Was it really a matter of good vs. evil? Did my parents have a hand in the decision? Would there be a price to pay for our son living?
I felt it too, the sick feeling of happiness at a life and relief of a death, a wrongful death for sure. The child did nothing to me or my family personally except take the place of my son in the Other World. Relief was mixed with guilt. Guilt over the loss of that baby's life, guilt over my jealousy, guilt over my being thankful for James' life, and guilt for treating Shep so poorly. Now I remembered what brought me to this garden in the first place, my own personal breakdown.
I had to make a choice, let go of my jealousy and stop acting like a child or walk away from the love of my life. The pain I felt when I saw him and Fionna was raw and constant. I would really have to trust him and allow him access to my heart. Walking away almost seemed easier, until I thought back on the last year without him. The first few months without him were excruciating, but I crawled out of the darkness and found light again. Even in my new light and happiness with James, I always felt that part of me, the part that belonged to Shep, was missing. That in itself was a pain I carried with me every day. I looked at him. Shep, my Shep. He was my best friend and soulmate. I loved him so deeply it hurt. I made the choice to forgive because living without him was far worse than living with the things he had done. Things he had no control of. I knew, in my heart, that Shep loved me. I decided that was all I needed to know.
“I understand what you are saying, Shep. I get it. I really do. It’s just really hard for me to be here. This place is like my own personal Hell, you know? I see it's kind of like coming full circle, us being here. This is where Jax had my mother and later you and my father. It's where Kelsha kept you captive. It's where her child was born and died. This place is where evil stems and I know that my jealousy seems trivial to you but I can’t help the way my heart feels. I hate being here. I hate the things that happened here. As much as I hate this situation I don’t want you to give up on me, on us. I need you as much as you need me. I can’t apologize for my breakdown because honestly I needed it. I know that sounds crazy but I feel a little better,” I finished with tears threatening mutiny on my face. I buried my
head in Shep's chest and wrapped my arms tightly around his waist.
“I love you, Lilly. Only you. Forever and always. I promise you.”
“I know, Shep. I love you too.”
No other words needed to be said. The war that we were training for was one that could kill one or both of us. I didn't want to think of that. In that moment, I only wanted to be Shep's girl. Shep's Lilly. Shep's Strawberry Shortcake. Shep's wife.
~Chapter Fourteen~
We left our party safely at Jax's compound while we traveled Neveah, looking for Neveahian’s to build a small army. Hopefully, we could gather enough people willing to fight for Neveah. Our traveling party consisted of Shep, Denali, Leah and me. We decided the less people traveling the better. We could travel less visibly and more quickly. We all thought the more people left at the compound the better. More people made it possible to offer protection to those that we left behind. It made me feel safer about leaving my son. I knew my aunt Vivianna would take good care of him, which also helped soothe my worried mind and aching heart.
I had since come to terms with having Fionna around all the time. After my incident in the garden I decided to let go of my insecurity. It wasn’t always easy but my jealousy was fading, and I was genuinely beginning to like her. She was, I realized, the first female friend I had ever had. She was good with James and a huge help to Vivianna. She kept herself busy lending a hand wherever help was needed. Everyone loved her, especially Diallo, who was obviously smitten with her. She was head over heels for him too. Seeing their love blossom gave everyone a little hope. Shed a little light on the darkness that was looming over everyone.
While I hated leaving my son again I was happy to be out of that compound. I always felt like I was suffocating in the confines of those stone walls. I understood the reason for us being there, but I hated that place. So many horrific things happened within those walls. I prayed our time there would be short.
I felt a little relief as the fresh air whipped around me as we soared through the air. I relaxed against Shep's back. I could feel his body was relaxed as well. Neither of us liked being at the compound. I suppose Shep hated it even more than I did. I only had the stories of what happened there. He had real memories. I sometimes wondered what was worse, his real memories or the ones my imagination conjured up.
After my meltdown, I made a real effort not to let my jaded heart take over and forced my mind to stop imagining the things that killed me inside. I still felt vulnerable and angry at times, but I was able to keep those feelings tucked away. Shep was right. He did things far worse than having sex with a woman he believed to be his wife, and I had to remind myself of this all the time.
I was happy to finally have Shep to myself away from the constant reminder of what happened at the compound. I wrapped my arms around his waist and squeezed tightly, letting him know I understood. He turned back to kiss the top of my head, letting me know he understood. We shared a silent understanding.
Our first stop was Gwendolyn, the Elvin village. I was excited to see Avery and Avelon. I had no doubt they would stand with us. They had been seeking an end to the darkness before I ever came to Neveah. When they lost Serephina, the fight inside of them intensified. I sometimes thought they could win this war on their own if they were allowed to.
We had been traveling for a long time. My body was getting antsy, and my bottom was getting sore. I looked to Denali, ready to ask for a break when I saw him motion to land. I felt Shep's head nod in agreement as he steered our beast to the ground. We had been flying above all the clouds where the air was warm. I was comfortable and cozy up there, but when Lucy broke through the layer of clouds, we were assaulted by a blast of cold air. Now I understood why Denali insisted I carry a heavy overcoat, or as he said a ‘cloak’.
I wrapped the coat around Shep and me and held on tightly. Below us the ground was covered in a layer of white, fluffy snow. When we finally landed, the dragons mammoth feet landed solidly on the snow. The ground looked soft, and I worried I would be buried in snow up to my ears. I carefully slid off the dragon and was surprised to find my feet resting on top of the blanket of white. I bent to feel the snow and found it to be the consistency of cotton, soft but strong. The air was chilly but not freezing. I wrapped my coat around me but didn't bother with the gloves, just one of the many things Denali forced me to bring.
I waited while everyone pulled on their warm gloves and overcoats. I could see the edge of the village and couldn't wait to get there. “It's not that cold, guys. Geez, come on!” I was being impatient, I knew that, but every second was important to us. I ached to go back to my normal life. I ached to have my family together. I yearned to see the beauty returned to Neveah. The Fey were relying on us to fight and win this. Their lives were dependent on us.
“I know you are anxious, Lilly, but we can't be unprepared for anything. That includes the elements,” Denali said in his father like tone that made me want to stick my tongue out at him like a five year old. He was right though, so I kept my tongue in my mouth and tried to calm myself down. It only took a few minutes before they were ready to walk into Gwendolyn.
The town was different than I imagined. I don't know what I expected, but it wasn't what I saw. The small houses were scattered randomly between enormous white and pink trees. There was a small path that winds its way through the village, weaving in and out of the elves’ homes. The houses were brightly colored in different shades of pinks, blues, and purples. The colors were striking against the white background. The ground was covered in the white, cottony snow. The trees were all white with the exception of tiny pink blooms, and white flowers stuck their heads out of the snowy ground. Gwendolyn was a winter wonderland.
I could hear laughter to the right of me. I turned to find the source of happiness and found a group of elves skating on a frozen lake. Their clothes were brightly colored as was their hair. Much like their homes, they were striking against all the white. I stopped to admire them when I felt Shep take my arm gently. “Come on, Lilly. Denali says Avery and Avelon's home is around the next corner. I broke my gaze and followed Shep. I liked being in Gwendolyn. Something about the village made my heart feel lighter. I felt like I could stay there forever, if allowed.
We came to a pastel blue house, much larger than the rest, but still small to us. Denali knocked on the white door and waited. I could hear footsteps coming from the other side of the door. Moments later Avelon swung the door open and threw out her arms, embracing Denali first, and then working her way around to all of us. “Hello's” and “How do you do's” were exchanged before she stepped to the side to invite us in. We followed her down a narrow hallway that had sharp twists and turns. There were doors that stood closed along the wall every few feet, but we passed them all. The hallway ended at a set of stairs that we began to climb. They were steep, but not tall. When we reached the top, we were in a circular room that was encased in glass. The staircase ended in the center of the room while the floor flowed around it. I was not surprised to find white stone floors or blue walls, but the view was breathtaking. I was lost in the scenery when I heard Avery address me.
“Hello, Miss Lilly. I trust your travels were uneventful.” His hand reached for mine and took it firmly. His intense eyes stared into mine, as though he was trying to read my mind.
“Yes, the trip was fine thank you. Your home is lovely and this view is wonderful.”
“Thank you, Lilly. Please come join us. Let me introduce you to our family.” He didn't wait for my response. Instead, he led us around the staircase. The backside opened to a large room that boasted a large, blue table with chairs of varying colors around it. There were five body's sitting at the table talking enthusiastically when we approached.
“Our company has arrived,” Avelon announced and the chatter stopped. All five elves looked at us, with curiosity and kindness in their eyes. They all resembled Serephina, in one way or another, yet they all had looks of their own. Seeing her family, reminded me of the w
onderful little elf, and all that she had done for my family and me. She had tried too hard to do what was good for all of Neveah, and I felt awful remembering the times that I was nasty to her. She never faltered in my moments of bitchiness. She remained loyal and patient with me. I missed her greatly and wished that I had not only been kinder and more thankful to her, but also that I could have truly called her my friend. As though sensing my sadness at seeing Serephina’s family, Avelon broke the tension and began introductions while I tried to memorize all their names and faces.
Alicia was the most similar to Serephina. Her long hair was a lighter shade of purple and curlier than Serephina's. Her face was younger, more innocent, but there was no mistaking their relation. Karen was next. Her face was not as innocent as her sister's. While her smile was inviting, even dazzling, you could see the fierceness in her giant turquoise eyes. Her hair was black as night with one white stripe framing each side of her pretty face. Next Avelon introduced her boys.
Josidian rose and came to me, taking my hand in his and gently kissing it. He smiled up at me, his amber eyes sparkling as the snowy white hair hung around his face. “Nice to meet you, Lilly,” he said before flashing me his dazzling smile and looking at Shep, who was giggling to himself. “You are a lucky man. Better keep this one close.” Josidian poked Shep in the ribs and giggled himself. “She is never getting away from me again, my friend,” Shep informed the elf before grabbing my hand and holding it in his own.
Neveah Box Series (Neveah Box Set Book 5) Page 58