THE XANDER YEARS, Vol. 1

by Keith R. A. DeCandido

  Giles moved to leave, stopped, grabbed Ms. Calendar, and dragged her off with him. She was very reluctant to go.

  Xander stood alone in the library for a moment, then decided not to take any chances, and moved the card catalogue in front of the door. For the first time, Xander was grateful that Giles had resisted the numerous implorations of Ms. Calendar to convert to an online catalogue like every other library in the universe.

  Good. Now I’m safe.

  Then the door opened and Buffy walked in, moving around the catalogue.

  Stupid stupid stupid. A barricade only works against doors that don’t open both ways.

  “Alone at last,” Buffy said. She was wearing a black raincoat that was tied shut. She was wearing high-heeled shoes.

  She didn’t appear to be wearing anything else.

  “Buff!” Xander said, getting his breathing under control. “Give me a heart attack . . .”

  “Oh, I’m gonna give you more than that,” she said. And she had on that smile.

  As she approached, Xander backed away from her, eventually stumbling onto the staircase to the stacks. Buffy moved closer, fiddling with the belt to the raincoat.

  “Buffy, for the love of God, don’t open that raincoat.”

  “Come on,” she said, “it’s a party. Aren’t you gonna open your present?”

  “It’s not that I don’t want to,” Xander said quickly. God, I want to. “Sometimes the remote, impossible possibility that you might like me was all that sustained me. But not now. Not like this. This isn’t real to you. You’re only here because of a spell. I mean, if I thought you had one clue what it would mean to me . . . But you don’t, so I can’t.”

  I can’t believe I just said that.

  The smile fell from Buffy’s face. This would’ve been a good thing, except it was replaced with anger.

  Xander had seen Buffy angry. Her jaw would set in a determined manner and her lips would purse. It was the look she had on her face when she ground the bones of the Master to a sticky paste and when she hacked Ms. French into tiny bits. The classic I’m the Slayer and you’re dead meat look.

  That wasn’t the look she had on her face now.

  Now her eyes widened and her cheeks flushed. This was what Glenn Close looked like in Fatal Attraction.

  “So you’re saying this is all a game?”

  Oh, no. “A game? I—no—”

  “You make me feel this way and then you reject me? What am I, a toy?”

  “Buffy, please, calm down,” Xander said, suddenly very nervous. Whether or not this was her usual state of anger, the last thing he wanted was a peeved Slayer.

  “I’ll calm down when you explain yourself!”

  “Get away from him,” came a voice from the front of the library. “He’s mine?”

  It was Amy, though not with Giles and Ms. Calendar. Which means they’re still off trying to find her when she’s right here. Great. Can’t Win For Losing Boy strikes again.

  “Oh, I don’t think so,” Buffy said, sneering. “Xander, tell her.”

  “What?” He was at a loss, and wasn’t sure he should say anything. “I—I—”

  “He doesn’t have to say,” Amy said. “I know what his heart wants.”

  She started to move toward Xander, but Buffy blocked her. “Funny,” the Slayer said, “I know what your face wants.”

  And then she decked Amy.

  This is bad. This is very bad.

  Buffy whirled around and gave him the Glenn Close look again. “What is this? You’re two-timing me?”

  This is very very bad.

  “Goddess Hecate,” said Amy from behind Buffy, rising to her feet and gesturing “work thy will.”

  “Uh oh,” Xander muttered.

  Amy’s eyes had gone dark as she continued her incantation. “Before thee let the unclean thing crawl!”

  More of that red fire from the other night burst from Amy’s hands and enveloped Buffy.

  A moment later, Buffy was nowhere to be seen. Just a raincoat and high-heeled shoes crumpled on the floor.

  “Buffy!” he cried. “Oh my God.”

  This is very very very bad.

  Naturally, Giles and Ms. Calendar chose that moment to return.

  “What just happened?” Giles asked. He noticed the raincoat and heels on the floor. “Buffy—where is she?”

  Xander hesitated. How am I going to tell Giles that I got the Slayer disintegrated?

  Then a very large rat crawled out from the sleeve of the raincoat.

  On the one hand, Xander was relieved. Changed into a rat was better than disintegrated.

  Not that changed into a rat was anything to leap up and cheer about, either.

  As the rat scampered around looking for a corner to crawl into, Giles said, “Oh my God.”

  Amy glared at the computer teacher. “Why is she here?”

  Xander snapped, “Can you focus for a minute? You just turned Buffy into a rat!”

  “Buffy can take care of herself,” Amy said, taking Xander’s arm. “Why don’t we go someplace private?”

  Xander shook her off. “Can you—? I’m not going anywhere until you change her back.”

  Ms. Calendar then grabbed his other arm. “You heard him. So why don’t you just undo your little magic trick and get lost?”

  “Who made you Queen of the World?” Amy asked. “You’re old enough to be—”

  “Well, what can I say?” Ms. Calendar said with a cattiness Xander wouldn’t have previously given her credit for. “I guess Xander’s too much man for the pimple squad.”

  Amy started fuming. Then her eyes went black again.

  “Goddess Hecate, to you I pray, make thi—”

  She was cut off by Xander clamping his hand over her mouth. As her eyes returned to normal, Xander cried, “Quit with the Hecate!”

  Giles finally got into it, grabbing both student-turned-witch and Gypsy-turned-teacher and guiding them toward the desk. “You two sit. Be quiet.” He turned to Xander. “We have to catch the Buffy rat.”

  As Amy and Ms. Calendar slowly sat down opposite each other, Xander looked around. He saw the rat dash behind the new-periodical bookcase by the door. “Oooh, there!” He ran over and peered in the very skinny area between it and the wall. “Good Buffy. Just . . .”

  He heard someone behind him. Thinking it was Giles, Xander turned—

  Only to be punched in the jaw by Oz.

  As Xander collapsed to the floor in a heap, Oz shook his hand up and down. “That kinda hurt.”

  “Kinda?” Xander said, furious. Today of all days, he didn’t need Oz to be Macho Man. “What was that for?”

  “I was on the phone all night listening to Willow cry about you. Now I don’t know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to hit you.”

  Then Oz reached out his hand to help him up. Xander accepted it, his anger crumbling to dust. He couldn’t really say he didn’t deserve it. As he rose with Oz’s aid, he said, “I didn’t touch her, I swear.”

  “Xander,” Giles prompted. “Buffy?”

  Nodding, Xander once again peered behind the bookcase, but he couldn’t find the rat.

  At Oz’s confused look, Xander explained, “Amy turned her into a rat.”

  “Oh,” Oz said. Xander suspected that that would be the extent of Oz’s reaction. Talk about a temperament ideally suited for living on the Hellmouth.

  Giles was also looking around. “I don’t see her.” He turned to Xander. “If anything happens to her I’ll—” He cut himself off, and Xander was suddenly grateful he didn’t hear the rest of it. “Just go home,” Giles said, as angry as Xander had ever heard him. “Lock yourself away. You’re only going to cause more problems here. Amy, Jenny, and I will try and break the spells.” Then he turned to Oz. “Oz, if you could aid us in finding, um, Buffy.”

  “Sure, absolutely,” Oz said.

  Xander started to say something. He wasn’t sure what—an apology, maybe—but Giles wouldn’t
even let him speak. “Just go,” the Watcher said, back in that low, dangerous tone. “Get out of my sight.”

  Sighing, Xander got out of his sight.

  Cordelia had no idea how she had survived this day. It was like every girl in the school hated her.

  Maybe, she thought, it’s one of those stupid Hellmouth-ish things Buffy’s always trying to fix.

  She went to her locker to put away her books for the night, then planned to go to the library to see if Giles could be any help.

  When she got there, though, she found herself surrounded. It seemed like every girl—and most of the female faculty—were gathered around, and they all stared at her like she was, well, something hateful.

  “Okay, what now, you don’t like my locker combination?”

  Harmony stepped forward. “It’s not right. You never loved him. You just used him. You make me sick.”

  “Hey, Harmony, if you need to borrow my Midol, just ask,” Cordelia said, suddenly nervous. This is more than just a general wig-out.

  Harmony then slapped Cordelia. Stunned, Cordelia couldn’t respond at first. Then Katie slammed her into the locker.

  This is definitely more than just a general wig-out.

  Dori grabbed at her. Kimberley yanked her hair. Harmony slapped her again. A girl from Health class pulled on her arm. Laura tried to bite her. A sophmore scratched her.

  Cordelia found herself cringing on the floor, fighting off an attack of teenaged girls.

  Then the cafeteria matron took a swing at her with a rolling pin.

  Oh God, I’m gonna die. Cordelia hadn’t been this scared since that invisible chick tied her to her May Queen throne and threatened to slash her face open. Buffy saved her then. So where is Little Miss Chosen One when I need her?

  “You thought you could do better? Is that it?” Harmony asked.

  “No, I,” Cordelia stammered. “I—”

  Gwen snarled. “We’ll knock that snotty attitude right out of you!”

  Katie suddenly shrieked, “It’s him! It’s him!”

  Several of the girls ran off to Xander, who had just entered the hallway. He looked like a deer in headlights for a second, then he ran toward Cordelia.

  For her part, Cordelia tried to get up, but then Laura knocked her to the ground again.

  Xander waded through and pulled Cordelia up into his arms, fighting off his adoring public as he went. Right now, Cordelia didn’t care that she hated him. She buried her head in his shoulder and started crying.

  After a minute, they were outside. Xander let go of her. “I think we—”

  They turned a corner to find another mob. This one was led by Willow.

  “Lost them,” Xander finished in a much quieter tone.

  Willow was holding an axe.

  “I should have known I’d find you with her,” Willow said, snarling like some spurned soap opera character.

  “Will, come on,” Xander said, “you don’t want to hurt me.”

  “Oh no? You don’t know how hard this is for me. I love you so much, I’d rather see you dead than with her!”

  Of all the times for Willow to get a backbone, Cordelia thought, it had to be now?

  Then the other mob, the one led by Harmony, came up behind them. Just as Willow swung at Xander with the axe, Harmony stopped her.

  That’s it, stand by your man, Cordelia thought as she and Xander took advantage of the impromptu catfight that broke out to run away.

  Rupert Giles ran his hand through his thinning hair, cursing all things teenaged. Ever since his own youthful indiscretions with the occult had come out, he would have thought that the implicit lesson would have been learned by Buffy and her chums. Apparently, though, not by Xander. He went right on ahead and did the same stupid thing Giles had done twenty years earlier. The summoning of the demon Eyghon had resulted at the time in one death, and more recently in two more deaths, and also had put Buffy and Jenny in grave danger. If Giles couldn’t figure out a way to reverse this idiotic love spell, the consequences now had the potential to be far worse.

  Part of him couldn’t remain too angry at Xander. The boy had, after all, saved Buffy’s life when the Master left her for dead in a pool of water. He had been through more than any teenager who wasn’t a Slayer had any right to, and had not only remained sane, but steadfastly loyal to the cause of Slaying in general and to Buffy in particular.

  If he only weren’t such an impulsive fool.

  None of that, however, changed the fact that the Slayer was now a rat, and Giles needed to do something about that, and fast.

  To Amy, who was presently sitting morosely in a chair, he said, “You must have botched the ritual so that Cordelia’s necklace actually protected her from the spell. That one should be easily reversible. Where did you learn animal transformation?”

  “Why did you send Xander away?” she asked. “He needs me.”

  Jenny, who was pacing, snorted. “That’s a laugh.”

  “He loves me,” Amy insisted. “We look into each other’s souls.”

  “No one can love two people at once. What we have is real.”

  Giles had had more than enough. “Instead of making me ill, why doesn’t one of you try to help me?” Both Amy and Jenny had mystical training and abilities. He kept hoping those instincts would come to the fore, but they were swimming upstream against the power of Amy’s spell.

  Amy leaned back, folded her arms, and pouted in that depressingly adolescent manner of teenage girls. “You have no idea what I’m going through.”

  “I know it’s not love,” Giles snapped. “It’s obsession—selfish, banal obsession. Now Xander has put himself in very great danger. If you cared at all about him, you’d help me save him rather than twittering on about your feelings. Now let’s get to work.” He turned to look behind him. “Jenny—”

  But Jenny was gone.

  “Great,” Giles muttered.

  CHAPTER 6

  It took over an hour to finally lose the mob, which had abandoned the catfight and joined forces in trying to pursue Xander and Cordelia. Xander had no idea what their actual plan was. Given that they were a mob, they probably didn’t have one.

  Xander remembered what mobs did in movies. He also remembered the riots that they’d discussed in history class. Then he ran faster.

  By the time they reached Revello Drive, the sun had set. “Now I think we lost them,” Xander said.

  Cordelia had remained unusually quiet as they ran the streets of Sunnydale avoiding anyone remotely female, but now that they had put the estrogen brigade behind them, she exploded. “Xander, what’s going on? Who died and made you Elvis?”

  As they came in sight of the house numbered 1630, Xander said, “There’s Buffy’s house. Let’s get inside. I’ll explain later.” This was probably the safest place to go, except maybe Giles’s place. But that was farther away, and the owner was back at school. Xander’s own house would be the first place they’d look.

  Luckily, Buffy’s mother wasn’t working late at the gallery or anything like that. First thing that’s gone right in days, Xander thought.

  “Xander. Cordelia?” Joyce Summers said, letting them in. “What happened? Why are you all scratched up? Where’s Buffy?”

  Xander hesitated. “She’s, um, around.”

  Joyce led them into the kitchen. “Well, sit down and tell me about it.” She turned to Cordy. “Why don’t you run upstairs and grab some bandages out of the bathroom?”

  Cordelia nodded and ran upstairs.

  Xander fell more than sat into one of the chairs at the kitchen table. The strain of running from a mob of love-crazy teenage girls was catching up.

  Well, at least things can’t get any worse.

  “Let me get you something to drink,” Joyce said. “Are you in the mood for cold or hot?”

  That required more thought than Xander was willing to engage in just at the moment. “I, uh—”

  Buffy’s mom moved closer and put her hands on his shoulders. �
��I think it’s more of a hot night, don’t you?”

  Oh no. Oh no no no no no.

  Xander dropped his head to the table. It hit with what Xander figured to be a very hollow thud.

  “Whatever,” he said, defeated.

  Joyce started massaging his shoulders. Despite everything, it actually felt kind of nice. “Goodness,” she said, “you are so tense.”

  “What are you doing?” came Cordy’s outraged voice from behind him. “Make me yak!”

  “Cordelia, go back upstairs, this is between us,” Joyce said angrily.

  Here we go again.

  “Gross. I think not,” Cordy said, and pulled the older woman off Xander and shoved her toward the back door and outside.

  “What’re you doing? Take your hands off of me!” Joyce Summers cried, but Cordy got the upper hand and closed and locked the door.

  “And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend!”

  Xander allowed himself a glimmer of hope at that.

  “Former!” she added, and Xander sighed.

  She turned back to him. “Why has everyone gone insane?”

  “Insane?” Xander asked, resenting that particular word choice. Weird would’ve been fine, but insane was unfair. “Is it so impossible for you to believe that other women find me attractive?”

  “The only way you could get girls to want you would be witchcraft.”

  “That is such a—” Xander started, then cut himself off. “Well, yeah, okay, good point.”

  Then a rock went flying through the window of the back door. That was followed by the hand of Joyce Summers trying to find and open the lock. “Xander, honey? Let Joycie in. Let Joycie in!”

  Xander and Cordelia exchanged a glance, then ran out to the hallway and upstairs to Buffy’s room. If nothing else, there are weapons up there.

  Shutting the door behind him, Xander breathed out a sigh of relief.

  Well, he thought, at least things can’t get any worse.

  He went over to the window and looked out. The streets were empty, aside from one car driving by. “Good. The mob still hasn’t found us. We should be safer up—”

  Suddenly, Angel, game face on, leaned in through the window from outside, grabbed Xander by the lapels, smiled, said, “Works in theory,” then yanked Xander out onto the angled roof of the first floor.