by JP Summers
“I can’t even imagine what you must be thinking right now,” Carson noted while crossing his arms.
“You don’t even want to know,” I hastily replied.
“It was wrong of me to expect the two of you to be friends.”
“You can’t help wanting the two girls in your life to get along. It just bothered me how you thought of her as flawless.” I quickly placed my hand over my mouth, not meaning to blurt those words out, but kind of glad that I actually had the backbone to say them.
Carson stood up and began pacing around our little man-made campsite. He looked seriously pissed. I could see the resentment in his eyes building and worried it would be directed toward me at any second.
With his teeth gritted, Carson yelled, “Are you kidding me?”
“No… I’m not! Erin was always on a pedestal and you were too damn blind to see she didn’t deserve to be there,” I furiously remarked as my heart began hurting from the pent-up anger from the past five years.
Carson distanced himself further away from me as he continued shouting, “I can’t believe you! So, now we’ve returned to discussing my soon-to-be ex-wife.”
“Well, Erin was the majority of our problems and the reason our friendship fell apart.”
“That’s total bullshit and you know it, Tia. She wasn’t the only one who caused problems for us. Maybe you need to backtrack and remember who created some of the mess.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Really, Tia? You’re going to pretend you don’t know exactly what I’m talking about?”
“If I knew what you what you meant, then I wouldn’t have asked.”
“Fine. Let me refresh your memory.” Carson pulled out the yearbook from our sophomore year, pointing out another person I hadn’t seen or talked to since graduation. “Now, do you remember? You should, especially since he fucked you over all the time. The worst part was how easily you forgave him after all the shit he pulled.”
“Why does it always come back to Evan?” I heatedly asked.
“Why does it always come back to Erin?” Carson lividly remarked.
“I don’t want to talk about this anymore.”
“Why not? You’re the one who started all of this by bringing up Erin. I just gave you a taste of your own medicine by mentioning Evan.”
“Do you really want to talk about those two right now?”
“Fuck no, but there’s nothing better to do until we get rescued or freeze to death.”
“You’re an asshole, Carson.” I stood up and walked toward the cushion-less sofa and plopped right down. We’re exactly back to where we started. So much for making amends.
Carson sat back on the sofa cushions, picking up our junior yearbook and prodding, “You must have really hated that Erin came to New Holston High.”
He walked toward where I sat on the sofa, the yearbook in his hand. With a spiteful voice, Carson stood in front of me and asked, “You really couldn’t stand the thought of sharing me with her?”
Avoiding him, I said nothing. He became persistent by sitting right next to me with the yearbook while flipping through the pages and chuckling. That son-of-a-bitch was purposely annoying the hell out of me.
I did my best to ignore him. I couldn’t stand being all alone with him anymore. I was about to say, “The hell with it,” and then find a way down that snow-covered road and head toward town. So what if I get frostbite and maybe lose a toe or two. It was a chance I was willing to take in order to save my sanity.
Carson shook his head and stated, “I can’t believe I haven’t seen any of these people, except for Cruz since I took off. I’m sure the teachers and coach were glad to be rid of me, it’s not like I made their favorites list, like some people.”
“That’s your fault.”
“Whatever! Things were just fine until you tried running my life for me.”
“Carson, grow up! Why can’t you see how wrong you are? I was trying to help you.”
“Your idea of helping someone is more like hurting them.”
“Like you didn’t do your part in destroying my reputation.”
“I can’t help that the truth came out. Maybe if you would have listened to me then...”
“Shut the hell up!” I crossly interrupted.
All of a sudden he was silent. Is he actually listening to me for once? I turned my attention toward him as he dropped the book and walked off. I picked up the book where the page he left off at was bent at the edges from him gripping it so tightly I glanced through the pages, trying to find what had Carson in another foul mood, and found a picture of me posing with Maddox.
Carson was back on the recliner staring into the fire. Does he remember how I ended up with Maddox, and how he contributed to us dating? Does he regret not making up his mind about us dating, and this picture is a slap in his face?
As I looked through all of the pictures from the Fall Fun Fest, I couldn’t help but think about the way my friendship with Carson had begun to slowly shift at that time. Nothing could have prepared either one of us for the life-changing events that we would face; ones that would ultimately lead him down a path of irreversible destruction.
*****
It took Audrey, Mira, and I weeks to come up with the perfect booth for the Fall Fun Fest. Our junior class was in charge of getting every school club or organization to have a booth. It was the responsibility for the 11th graders to be more involved in the community. We created a fun environment for the local kids while helping to raise money for our homecoming dance.
Four guys asked me to go to the dance with them. A part of me held out for Carson, hoping he’d ask me to be his date. Mira said to quit being a chickenshit and ask him. I couldn’t. I was scared of being rejected.
Our booth was ready for face painting, and the kids from the local elementary school had a wonderful time. Even some of the parents enjoyed getting their faces painted. Carson requested something manly painted on his face, so I lied, saying Audrey put a tiger on his face when it was actually a flower. It took an hour before the guys caved then told him he had a pretty purple pansy on his cheek.
When we were almost done for the night, Maddox McCoy, a very cute freshman, walked up to the booth. “Will you paint something on me?” he asked.
“Sure,” I agreed. “What do you want?”
His face broke out in a smile. “Your number,” he whispered coyly.
After we talked for a while, he surprised me by saying Carson was the one who said he should ask me out. A little confused, I politely excused myself to find Carson and question whether Maddox was telling the truth. I found him helping Cruz as I walked up to them, requesting, “Do you mind if I steal away your help for a minute?”
Carson walked with me to the nearest hallway asking, “What’s up?”
“Why don’t you tell me?”
“I’m not sure what you’re getting at, Tia.”
“When were you planning on mentioning you didn’t have any interest in dating me? Please tell me this has nothing to do with Erin starting school here and you’re thinking about getting back together with her?”
“NO! It has nothing to do with her. And we are not getting back together. I’ve made it perfectly clear to Erin we’re not good for one another.”
“Oh.”
“I guess we should have discussed you dating other guys. I can’t keep you waiting around for me.”
“What if I choose to wait a little longer to see if maybe you’ll be ready sooner than you realize?” I retorted.
“I can’t ask that of you, it’s not fair. I’ve been involved in an on-again off-again relationship since middle school with Erin. I don’t want to go through that again, which is why I need time to sort things out for myself.”
“So you’re saying you and I wouldn’t work out because of what happened with Erin?”
“No. I’m not saying that at all. I just don’t want to chance losing my best friend because I fucked up as a boyfriend.”
“You don’t know that will happen.”
“You’re right… I don’t know, but I also don’t want to chance things with us right now. If things are meant to happen between us, then they will.”
“I guess you’re right, but are you sure this is what you want… me dating someone else?”
“Yeah.” Carson replied, sounding a little hesitant at first. “It is.”
I turned away from Carson, pretending like I was fine with his admission. I wasn’t. So many emotions ran through me. I felt upset, uncertainty, rejection. How could he not want to be with me enough to find out if I could actually be the best relationship he’d ever have?
I walked back to my booth, trying to keep from crying. Mira didn’t have to ask what was wrong. She sensed Carson and I had some kind of disagreement by the way I was acting after talking with him.
Before we left, I ran over to Maddox. His eyes widened as I asked, “Would you like to grab a bite after I get done cleaning up our booth?” I never saw him blink once.
At first I worried that I might have caused him to go into a momentary state of shock until he eagerly questioned, “Really? You don’t have a problem being seen with a freshman guy outside of school?”
“I don’t have a problem, and don’t care if anyone else has something to say about it. We are just two people that have to eat sometime. Right?”
“Right.”
“Well, that settles it. Meet me outside the gym in an hour and I’ll take you to a place that has the greasiest, best-tasting burgers.” I kindly instructed with a smile across my face.
I went back to help at my booth with the weight of Carson’s words settled even further into my mind. Sacrificing our friendship suddenly became less of a priority. I realized I had to stop living in denial and accept the fact that I’d never be more to Carson than his best friend.
I knew that after the emotional dust settled, the only thing that mattered is that I would rather keep Carson my friend, then to not have him at all.
*****
The winds outside continued to howl, breaking me out of my momentary flashback trance. Convinced another storm was on the horizon, I assumed we’d be stuck here for another night. I hated that Carson and I were at each other’s throats yet again. I could show that I’m the mature adult by losing whatever dignity I had left and accept full blame for everything that had gone wrong with us. But would that even be enough to put an end to the emotional war raging between us?
I started shivering and decided to go back by the fireplace to keep warm. Carson ended up standing beside me, staying absolutely silent. The air was thick with the hostility that surrounded us.
Forget him! There’s no way I’m apologizing to him for our recent spat. I have no problem keeping to myself for another day or two. Carson apparently had the same agenda as he lay on the cushions and closed his eyes.
I wished it was that easy to sleep through this disastrous weekend. Maybe if I had enough to drink, I’d pass out and wake up once someone came to rescue us. I remembered there was a bottle of vodka on the kitchen counter I failed to finish and decided it was time to ease some of the tension. Swaddled in my blankets I went to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, then walked back into the living room to warm myself in front of the fireplace. I pressed the one-liter container against my lips, ready to take a sip, when a disapproving harrumph came from my hostile living room companion.
“Don’t you think it’s a bit early for a drink?” Carson rudely stated.
“I’ll do anything to make me forget that I’m stranded in hell with a guy who’ll never understand how he destroyed me from the inside and out.” I heatedly replied before taking a few swigs.
Carson walked over to me, grabbing the bottle out of my hand, saying, “There’s never enough booze to dull the pain. Trust me, I should know.”
“Just leave me alone.”
“Stop being such a damn pain in my ass and listen.”
“Why? Give me one reason why I should?”
“You want a reason… how about drinking this shit will drop your body temperature and your body won’t able to get it back up.”
“What’s the damn point? We’re not going to make it out of here alive.”
“Goddamn it, Tia! Do you even hear how ignorant you’re sounding right now?”
“I don’t care what happens to me anymore.”
“Well, you should.”
“Why is that?”
“Because… I... I still care about what happens to you,” Carson stuttered.
“You shouldn’t waste your time caring about me.”
“Maybe you’re right, but I can’t help it.”
“Tell me why you can’t help it, Carson?”
“No.”
“I need an answer. Why do you still care about me?”
“Drop it, already.”
“No! You always tiptoed around me when it came to saying how you feel. I told you a long time ago how much I was in love with you. Why can’t you just say it, Carson?”
“Say what?”
“Why won't you just admit it? Tell me the damn words.”
“I can’t.”
“Yes, you can.”
“NO! I can’t, Tia!”
“Then leave me the hell alone.”
I pushed past Carson, knowing how badly I wanted to hear his confession. He’ll never be able to say those three words I had heard him say numerous times to Erin. All I want is to hear him say he was once in love with me. Is that too much to ask after all this time, and considering the situation we’re in?
I held in my tears. My heart ached as the shattered teenager on the inside relived her agony from the worst parts of high school all over again.
I didn’t even realize Carson was standing next to me until he grabbed my wrist, turning me to face him. The expression on his face was hard to read. I could sense he wanted to say something by the way his mouth was slightly opened, as if the words teetered on the tip of his tongue. My heart was pounding so hard I’m certain Carson was able to feel my pulse while the tip of his fingers caressed my hands.
“What do you want from me now?” I distressingly wept out.
Carson moved close enough for me to feel his chest against mine. I tried breaking free, but it only provoked him to hold my wrist even tighter. I tried using the weight of my body to lean back and pull myself out of his grasp. It was no use. He wasn’t budging.
I made one last attempt to break free by hollering, “Why won’t you let go of me? Can’t you tell that I don’t want to be anywhere near you?”
He answered with his lips crashing upon mine. I should have fought him off, but didn’t have the strength to do it. I was always weak against Carson. I swore he always used it to his advantage.
This is all wrong, but feels so damn right. I couldn’t help parting my mouth, allowing Carson to deepen the kiss. His tongue intertwining with mine made my insides melt. He tasted like I remembered — spearmint. His lips were rougher than before, but they still fit perfectly against mine.
Carson wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me in closer to him. We needed to stop. I just didn’t know how to relay the message across to my body while my heart was pulling rank over my other body parts.
My hands found their way around Carson’s neck, forcing our lips against each other’s even harder than before. Our kisses became needy. I wanted more of Carson. It was unmistakably obvious he wanted more of me as his tongue passionately stroked mine.
Before it became harder to deny him, I pushed myself out of his grasp. Our lips separating was more painful than I anticipated. Carson looked at me in total confusion. I just couldn’t find it in myself to continue kissing him in the same way I used to.
Out of breath Carson questioned, “What’s wrong?”
Now I was the one looking down and answered, “This isn’t right. We can’t do things like we did before. Someone always gets hurt.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
Carson admitted.
“For a moment, I wasn’t either,” I truthfully replied.
Carson and I sat down on the cushions, staring back into the fire. The comfort zone had shifted, and things were less strenuous between us. I refuse to fall back into bad habits. I don’t want to be the same clueless girl I once was. I’m not about to be put through the emotional ringer with Carson again. He never knew how to express himself other than physically.
It’s about time Carson finally learns.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The look on my face must have been a surprised one as Carson picked up a blanket and wrapped it around me. I began shivering, but I neglected to notice until Carson brought me the blanket. My mind was still fixated on the kiss that had transpired a few minutes ago.
As this storm continued to unleash its wrath on our beleaguered souls, it was becoming all too clear that neither of us was going to come out of this with their heart unscathed.
I was disappointed in myself for allowing that kiss to happen. Carson had spent too many years lost in his own pain to even think about what he had put me through. Did he really believe this would solve any of our problems?
Don’t get me wrong, that kiss was amazing, full of sweetness and promise, but tinged with sorrow. I was no longer that foolish teenager who believed in happy endings… I knew better. History had repeatedly proven that we couldn’t be anything more than friends. Somebody always gets emotionally burned by the other.
I wish I just had opened up my eyes much sooner than later and saved myself from drowning in all of this unnecessary anguish. Did I feel bad for the way things had spiraled out of control for Carson? Yes, I did, but I had only done what any person would do in order to save their best friend from destroying his future.
Carson had no right to blame me when he created every problem for himself. Erin played an even bigger part by being so damn conniving. I should have never allowed her to get involved with helping me to save Carson from himself. His soon-to-be ex-wife should be the one to hate herself every time she looks into a mirror, not me.