by JP Summers
I reached for the yearbooks that I dropped on the floor next to the sofa in my temporary fit of rage. Picking them up, I looked through the rest of the pictures from our junior year. As I stared at the picture of Erin posing with Mira, Carson, and I from our school’s bowling tournament, all I saw was a girl who had repeatedly pulled the wool over everybody’s eyes. Erin continuously used my defenseless best friend while bringing me along for the ride. I'll never forget how she fed me to the wolves.
It pisses me off that Carson never really blamed her, only me, for supposedly stabbing him in the back. But looking back at pictures from high school, I realized that I could never have guessed just how deceptive she would turn out to be.
*****
For the life of me, I had no idea why my team chose me as the captain to lead our junior class to a victory in the high school bowling tournament.
My boyfriend, Maddox, who I had been dating for a few months now, was voted by his classmates to be the captain of the freshman team, which wasn’t a surprise considering he was quite the athlete. He was good at everything.
It was nice that he got along perfectly with Carson. My best friend took him under his wing, and they became good buddies. I wasn’t sure what to make of their new friendship, but then again, who would have thought Erin and I would begin hanging out.
I’m not going to lie, it was a little hard to get along with her at first, but we actually had a few decent conversations about clothes, make-up, and how to survive Mr. Garrett’s economics class. We hardly brought up Carson’s name during our brief chats. It helped to avoid any kind of awkwardness we might have had around one another.
Mira and Audrey still had a bit of a sore spot when it came to Erin. We all promised each other we’d overlook how she hurt Carson in the past and play nice. However, there was a little part of me that just couldn’t shake the feeling she was putting on an act around us. I really wanted to trust her, but my gut kept me from doing so.
At the bowling alley, Maddox gave me a quick peck on my lips for good luck, then went over to his lane to bowl. Mira elbowed me, wanting to know if he and I were ready to take things to the next level. She always assumed everyone at our high school was as sexually active as she and Cruz. I guess on a subconscious level, I avoided having sex with other guys because Carson could still be my first.
I loved that Maddox was the romantic type. He always dropped cute notes inside of my locker and put tiny gifts inside my backpack whenever I wasn’t paying attention. This guy was something else. I felt lucky to have someone who treated me like a queen.
As our team trailed by two strikes, I didn’t want to be the one to decide this game. Carson noticed how panicked I was and offered to help me out. Every time I got up to bowl, he positioned himself by my side to coach me. The first strike I got, Carson lifted me up into his arms and swung me around. We high-fived each other, then hugged once more before we realized everyone was staring at us.
I looked over to where Maddox should have been, but he wasn’t with his teammates. I excused myself to search for my boyfriend around the bowling alley only to come up empty handed. One of the guys from the freshman team said Maddox was outside getting some fresh air. Guilt overcame me as I walked around the parking lot knowing exactly why he took off. My public display with Carson must have looked worse than it really was.
I finally located Maddox on the side of the building leaning against the wall. I slowly approached him, asking, “Why are you out here all alone?”
He kept his head down staring at the blacktop while fidgeting with the zipper on his sweatshirt. Maddox couldn’t even look at me as he replied, “I didn’t want to watch some other guy have more fun with my own girlfriend than me. Why does Carson always have to do things like that to prove he’s always going to be superior to me?”
In defense of the friendship I have with Carson, I protested, “He isn’t trying to prove anything. You know how close we are. We always act that way with one another. It doesn’t mean a thing.”
“Well, it’s getting old.”
“I’m sorry you feel that way.”
“I’ve watched how you two act around each other before. Things are way different now.”
“Why is that?”
“Your ex, Evan, isn’t the problem anymore. Now Carson doesn’t have to worry about him being in the way.”
“I’m sorry… did I miss something? Why are you bringing up my ex?”
Maddox’s eyes widened after realizing he had just ousted himself and taken Carson down along with him.
I walked in front of Maddox, waiting for him to lift his head as I probed, “Tell me why you brought up Evan’s name and why Carson would worry about him being in the way?”
In a worried tone, Maddox pleaded, “Promise me that you won’t get mad?”
“Get mad about what?”
I wanted to promise Maddox I wouldn’t get mad, but I had a feeling I wouldn’t be able to keep my word. My mind was going a million miles a minute trying to figure out what he was about to admit. The look on his face worried me.
Maddox looked up at me as his hands reached for mine. “I really had a huge crush on you, which Carson knew about. The day before the Fall Festival, he came up to me during practice asking if I wanted his help fixing us up.” He paused for a minute, needing to take in a deep breath in order to continue. “I thought Carson was doing me a favor, but instead it turned out I was doing him an even bigger one.”
“I lost you for a moment. What favor are you doing for Carson?”
“The reason why Carson was so quick to help us get together was so he wouldn’t have to worry about you being single when Evan came back home after being suspended from college due to some stupid fraternity hazing incident.”
My hands trembled while rage boiled my blood. I pulled my hands away from Maddox’s, trying to make sense out of all of this. I paced back and forth thinking about how Carson didn’t want me, but also didn’t want Evan to have me either. What the fuck is wrong with him? He can’t be the puppet master who pulls all the strings in my life. What pissed me off the most was how he assumed I’d go running back to Evan.
There was an uncomfortable silence filling the air. I was so livid that I couldn’t see straight. All the objects around me became distorted as tears flooded my eyes.
Maddox tried to put his arms around me while apologizing. “Tia, I’m so sorry. I never thought I stood a chance against those other guys until Carson guaranteed you would go out on a date with me. He said once we started dating you wouldn’t think twice about getting involved with Evan if you were already seeing someone.” Maddox ran his hand through his hair out of frustration and vented, “Now Carson seems to be the issue. His unacceptable flirting is his way of trying to get closer to you. I can’t help but think he has feelings for you and realizes them now that we’ve been getting more serious about one another.”
I needed some air, some space to think about everything Maddox had just told me. With a calm voice I expressed, “I need to be alone. Can you just tell my team I think the food I just ate gave me food poisoning, and I went home?”
He agreed while I walked away trying not to lose my sanity in the parking lot. I wanted to actually punch one of these vehicles, preferably Carson’s. As for Maddox, I didn’t know how this would affect our relationship.
I arrived home as my mom was getting ready to head out with her boyfriend. She noticed that my eyes were red and swollen then asked if I wanted her to stay home. I really didn’t want to discuss how my boyfriend and best friend worked together to keep me from Evan.
My mom didn’t want to leave me alone, but it was my choice to spend the rest of the evening without anyone bothering me. I grabbed a soda from the fridge, turned off the lights, and threw myself on the sofa, wishing everything Maddox told me was a lie.
I stared at the ceiling in total darkness while my cell phone kept lighting up to alert me of missed calls and text messages. I stretched my arm out to grab my cell fr
om the coffee table and noticed there were several voicemails and texts from Carson wanting to know if I was okay. He planned on stopping by to check up on me after the tournament. I immediately sent, “Tired…going to bed now,” assuming he’d get the hint I didn’t want any company.
Since Maddox hadn’t texted or called me, I took it upon myself to let him know we needed to talk once I’d cooled down. He sent an apologetic message saying he really didn’t mean for me to get hurt. In all honesty, Maddox wasn’t the culprit. He was an innocent party to Carson’s plan. My own best friend used him as a pawn in his twisted little game of controlling me.
I closed my eyes, wanting to sleep off this terrible night, but it was no use. My mind tussled with my heart over the idea of being forgiving. Acknowledging the painful truth caused me to wonder if my pigheaded best friend felt any kind of remorse for putting Maddox up to his diabolical plot against Evan.
Sitting in complete silence was doing more harm than good. I didn’t want to be left alone with my thoughts. I needed a way of digging myself out of the burdening chaos that was trying to entomb me.
I decided the only way to make myself temporarily feel better was by going out to get a greasy burger and jumbo-sized malt. With keys in hand, I opened the door only to see Carson holding a fisted hand getting ready to knock. I have never wanted to physically harm someone so much as I did right now. I wanted to slam the door in his face, the less violent approach than my other desire, which was to slap him.
My chest heaved as I ferociously spat out, “What the HELL are you doing here?”
The concern displayed across Carson’s face turned to confusion as I rolled my eyes at him and crossed my arms. He tried stepping one foot inside, but I stuck out my knee to block him from coming in. Nodding in disapproval, Carson boldly asked, “What’s going on, Tia? I came over to see if you were okay only to find you looking pissed off about something.”
I quickly turned around and ran into my bedroom, slamming the door right behind me. Tears formed in the corner of my eyes waiting, for the precise moment to release themselves. Carson’s assumption about me running back into Evan’s arms was a low blow to my ego.
A discreet knock at my door followed by Carson jokingly remarking, “What the hell got into you?” forced me to yank the handle, almost ripping it off the door as I opened it and hollered, “Do you really want to know the answer to that question?”
“Well, you stomped off in a fit of rage like an army brigade marching through.”
“Oh, you’re going to need an army to protect you from what I want to do to you right now.”
“Relax, Tia. If this is about that bag of candy I took out of your backpack, I’ll replace it first thing tomorrow.”
“You think this has to do with some damn candy?”
“Okay. This has be about the soda I spilled in your back seat. Cruz was the one who knocked the cup out of my hand. I swear I triple-checked to make sure there were no stains left behind.”
“First of all, no one will be allowed to have drinks in my car, and secondly, I’m pissed off at you because I know all about your little arrangement with Maddox.”
“Tia, before you look for something to hit me with, just let me try to explain myself.”
“Let you explain what… that you’ve lost your mind? Where in the hell do you get off trying to control parts of my life? I’m not a possession. I am your best friend.”
“I know… I know… I fucked up, and in a bad way! All I wanted to do was protect you from Evan screwing with you again. After the way he broke your heart, I hated him for hurting you. And now I’m no better than Evan. I obviously cause you a great deal of pain with my actions. Tell me what I can do to make all of this up to you.”
“I’m not sure there is a way to make anything up to me. You have no idea how humiliated I felt after learning all of this information from Maddox.”
“There has to be something I can do to make this all better. I don’t want to be known as the shittiest best friend ever.”
“Actually, there is one thing you can do for me right now.”
“Anything… you name it, and I’ll do it.”
It took a minute before I was able to conjure up the courage to ask, “Why didn’t you just ask me out instead of passing me on to Maddox?”
Carson’s eyebrows furrowed and he looked down at the floor, avoiding me. It was just one damn question. One he should have been able to easily respond to, yet his tongue was securely bound.
My patience with Carson had already worn thin. If he couldn’t man up by telling me this one thing—the only thing I requested—there was no reason to be merciful with him. I stood up straight, keeping my shoulders back and my chin up while demanding, “Just go already!”
He didn’t even put up a fight. It was like I did Carson a favor. Somehow, I saved him from expelling the truth.
Or maybe I saved myself from hearing something that would hurt me even more than I was prepared to deal with that night.
I locked the front door after Carson left, wanting nothing more than to put the horrible evening behind me. I went back into my bedroom expecting to fall fast asleep from being emotionally drained. I didn’t. Instead, I laid in bed evaluating my friendship with Carson and my relationship with Maddox.
It didn’t take long for me to figure out what had to be done. Even with my feelings being tampered with, it was clear I wasn’t going to be the only person hurt by all of this. I didn’t want to play the part of the bad guy, but the sooner I took care of things, the sooner I might be able to salvage what was left of my pride.
7 a.m. rolled around a lot sooner than I would have liked. I was extremely exhausted from lack of sleep. My mom showed up from a night out with her boyfriend, bearing gifts. I almost swallowed the double chocolate chip muffin whole and got a 2nd degree burn from the English Toffee cappuccino.
The dreaded decision to face Maddox first was knotting up my stomach, and I actually felt nauseous. I canceled my usual Sunday dinner plans with the Rodriguez’s. Julisa sent several texts begging me to change my mind. I hated lying to the family by making up some story about having tons of homework to get caught up on. Besides, I couldn’t share the truth about Carson’s recent stupidity with them.
I jumped into my car to visit with Maddox. I wished it would have been possible to avoid the inevitable, but he deserved to know where we stood in our relationship. It was only fair to explain why it wouldn’t be right if we stayed together when I didn’t see things progressing between us. I was starting to feel sick to my stomach again.
The innocent smile on Maddox’s face made my insides turn even more while I subtly broke up with him in the most painless way I could. By the look on his face, it wasn’t feasible. I wished it had been possible for him not to get hurt. He didn’t look at me as I explained my reasons for ending things and said it wasn’t fair if we stayed together for all the wrong reasons.
I didn’t stay too much longer after practically ripping his heart out. On the drive back home, I became a little emotional. I did care for Maddox, but to never experience the same fireworks of emotions that combust inside my stomach each time we held hands or kissed made me realize I was still hung up on the idea of having more than a friendship with Carson.
Deep down, I wanted to think it would be possible to fall for someone else. Of course, I was only fooling myself. My heart couldn’t help itself from needing the one thing it couldn’t have… Carson.
On the Monday morning after the horrible weekend I’d had, I found myself single and without my best friend to talk to.
When I first arrived to my locker, an odd shaped, dark blue envelope was partially sticking out of the side. I had no clue who this was from as I studied the long rectangle sleeve with my name written on it in unfamiliar handwriting. Mira looked over from her locker, encouraging me to open it now, but I wasn’t sure if I should.
Reluctantly, I opened the envelope. To my astonishment, two tickets to see my favorite baseball te
am were enclosed. I immediately knew who they were from. I couldn’t believe Carson actually got them for me! I had hinted for months how much I wanted to see my hottie baseball player up close and how exciting it would be to go to the ballpark on opening day.
The words “You deserve to go with someone you’ll have fun with,” punched me right in the stomach. Carson and I always attended every kind of sporting event together. I was taken aback by the fact he had gone through all the trouble of buying the high dollar tickets.
The warning bell rang as I hauled ass to make it by the skin of my teeth to economics. I slid into my seat with a heavy heart and a mild case of guilt. After a brief discussion on how to complete our class projects, we formed into groups with our partners to finish working on our assignments. Unfortunately, my partner was Erin.
I was in desperate need of talking to someone before I had a mental breakdown by lunchtime. I couldn’t text Mira or Audrey because my cell battery had died during last period. I guess I would have to wait forty-two minutes to vent.
I sat next to Erin to work on our project while pretending to like her ideas. I honestly didn’t care if the colors she picked out clashed, or her writing was worse than chicken scratch. My mind was too busy being fixated on my recent falling out with Carson. I truly didn’t know if he deserved my forgiveness. Even if I did choose to forgive him, how long would it be until he became overprotective of me again?
Besides, Carson was worried over nothing. Like I would be stupid enough to go back to Evan after all the stuff he pulled in the past. I’ve matured a lot since he and I dated. I could handle my own self around him and didn’t need someone to dictate how I live my life—or love life, for that matter.
In the middle of cutting and then pasting pictures on the poster board, Erin stopped to ask, “Why am I the only one doing all of the work? What’s going on with you, anyways? You look tired with those huge, black bags underneath your eyes.”
Figuring I had nothing to lose talking with Erin, I replied, “I didn’t get any sleep last night because Carson did something really stupid to upset me.”