Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  Hair today, gone tomorrow: 50% of Caucasian men go bald; 18% of African American men do.

  HOW THEY DID IT

  The first task was breaking down complex differential equations into the smallest possible steps. Each of these had to be routed to the proper bank of electronics and performed in sequence…. Every datum and instruction had to reach the correct location in time for the operation that depended on it, to within 1/5,000th of a second.

  Yet despite this complexity, the Army brass considered the programming to be clerical work; that it was women stringing the cables only reinforced this notion. Their government-job rating was SP, as in “subprofessional.” Initially they were prohibited as security risks even from entering the ENIAC room, forcing them to learn the machine from wiring diagrams. When finally admitted, they sometimes had to straighten the clutter of gear the engineers left overnight.

  Finally, in February 1946, the scientists were ready for the ENIAC official unveiling. A test problem involving the trajectory of a 155-millimeter shell was handed to Jean Bartik and Betty Holberton for programming. The machine performed flawlessly, calculating the trajectory in less time than it would take the bullet to land. After the demonstration, the men went out for a celebratory dinner. The programmers went home.

  LIFE ISN’T FAIR

  In the 50 years since, their legacy is confined mainly to Movietone footage and sepia photos—women standing alongside the machine, as if modeling a Frigidaire. Why was history so ungenerous? Partly because in the awe surrounding the machine itself, the hardware was seen as the whole story. In addition, three of the programmers married engineers with top jobs on the ENIAC, making them wives first in the eyes of the history makers and history writers.

  A copious, definitive history of the ENIAC, written by the Army ordnance officer who commanded the project, merely lists the programmers’ names (misspelling one of them) and identifies which of the engineers they married.

  Food for thought: In a 1997 survey, 87% of people said they were “likely” to go to heaven.

  The greater injustice is not history’s treatment of the women but its resistance to revision….[For example,] until [an enthusiastic historian] made an issue of it, most of the programmers had not even been invited to the gala dinner…celebrating the 50th anniversary, of the ENIAC.

  ****

  MOTHERS OF INVENTION

  Here are two women you may never have heard

  of, but who may have affected your life.

  Mother of Invention: Kate Gleason, a New York architect in the 1920s.

  The Invention: Tract housing

  Background: After watching engines being put together on a Cadillac assembly line, Gleason decided to try using mass production techniques to build affordable housing for soldiers who’d returned from World War I. Her first development was “Concrest,” a 100-unit concrete housing project. Its six-room homes sold for $4,000 each.

  Mother of Invention: Ruth Wakefield, owner of the Toll House Inn and restaurant in Whitman, Massachusetts, in the 1930s.

  The Invention: Chocolate chip cookies

  Background: One afternoon Wakefield was baking a batch of “chocolate butter drop” cookies for her restaurant. She decided to smash a semisweet chocolate bar into tiny chunks and dump the pieces into the batter, rather than take the time to melt the bar first. She figured the chunks would melt into the batter in the oven, and the cookies would be indistinguishable from her regular ones. She was wrong—and her customers loved the difference. Today Americans consume more than 150 million pounds of chocolate chip cookies every year.

  More than half of Americans say they regularly watch TV while eating dinner.

  THE BIRTH OF “THE TONIGHT SHOW,” PART II

  On page 46 we told you the story of “Broadway Open House” the first late-night TV talk show. The show had its problems and was cancelled after 13 months, but it led to “The Tonight Show,” the most successful talk show in history. Here’s the next installment in the story.

  SILENT NIGHT

  “Broadway Open House” went off the air on August 24,1951, and NBC’s late-night airwaves remained dark for three years. But Pat Weaver was still convinced that a late-night talk show could be successful. In 1954 he gave it another shot.

  This time, rather than create a show himself, he hired comedian Steve Allen, a panelist on the CBS quiz show “What’s My Line,” to do it for him.

  MR. TONIGHT

  Allen had been working on his own talk-show format off and on for several years. In the 1940s, he was the midnight disc jockey on L.A.’s CBS radio affiliate. He spent so much time telling jokes between songs—and building a huge following in the process—that the station changed the show’s format to live comedy, complete with a studio audience.

  Before Allen went on the air, hardly anyone in Los Angeles had listened to radio late at night. But the show quickly became an institution. Big celebrities began dropping by to plug upcoming movies and do interviews.

  CBS recognized Allen’s promise and brought him to New York, where he briefly hosted a daytime TV show. But CBS didn’t have a whole lot more for him to do. He was cooling his heels on “What’s My Line” when he got the call from NBC.

  “THE TONIGHT SHOW” IS BORN

  On September 27, 1954, “The Tonight Show” premiered. Gene Rayburn (who later hosted “Match Game”) was the announcer, Steve Lawrence and Eydie Gorme made regular appearances, and Skitch Henderson conducted the orchestra—which even then included Doc Severinsen on the trumpet. Don Knotts, Tom Poston, and other comedians performed skits, and Bill Dana, one of Allen’s writers, invented his character Jose Jimenez on the show.

  The average American spends 1,600 hours a year watching TV, and 323 hours reading.

  JUST PLAIN FOLKS

  Allen also had several ordinary—albeit odd-—folks who made regular appearances, including Mr. Shafer, a fast-talking farmer from upstate New York; Mrs. Sterling, an elderly woman who pestered Allen for presents; and Professor Voss, a quack who advocated bare-chested walks in the snow and drinking a gallon of water before breakfast each morning.

  But the highlight of the show was Steve Allen and his improvisational comedic style. Today ad-lib gags are a staple of late-night talk shows, but in the early 1950s everything was scripted in advance—and Allen’s make-it-up-as-you-go-along format was revolutionary. He conducted man-on-the-street interviews with pedestrians walking past his studio; he dressed up as a border patrol officer and flagged down motorists to inspect their cars for illegal fruit. A few minutes later he flagged a taxi, threw a salami into the back, and told the driver to take it to Grand Central Station. (He did.)

  THANKS, STEVE

  Allen’s freewheeling style was more like David Letterman’s than Johnny Carson’s. And the similarity is no accident. Letterman, only seven years old when the first segment of “The Tonight Show” aired, grew up watching the program. Years later, he sent his writers to the Museum of Television and Radio in New York to screen old Steve Allen shows and look for ideas. Steve Allen covered himself in tea bags and was dunked in a huge teacup; David Letterman covered himself in Alka-Seltzer tablets and got dunked in a huge glass of water. Steve Allen jumped in huge vats of Jell-O, so did Dave. Steve Allen sent a camera out the back door and into the street, and then ad-libbed with the people who walked by; Dave did the same, making neighborhood merchants some of the biggest stars of his show.

  END OF THE ROAD

  As “The Tonight Show” grew in popularity, Allen began to feel constrained in his late-night hours. He wanted to prove himself in prime time. So NBC created “The Steve Allen Show” in October 1956 and ran it directly against the popular Ed Sullivan’s “Toast of the Town” on Sunday night at 8:00 p.m. on CBS.

  Americans spend twice as much each year for kids’ athletic shoes as they do for kids’ books.

  Allen kept working at “The Tonight Show” three nights a week, with comedian Ernie Kovacs and announcer Bill Wendell (who also announced �
�Late Night with David Letterman”) replacing him on Monday and Tuesday. NBC also cut “The Tonight Show” from 90 to 60 minutes.

  By the end of the year, Allen recalls, “I realized I’d bitten off more than I could chew. One show had to go.” The choice was simple: “The Tonight Show” had an audience of about 3 million; “The Steve Allen Show” had an audience of 35 million, and paid five times as much. Besides, Allen admits, “in those days none of us connected with ‘The Tonight Show’ thought it was a big deal at all. It’s amazing. It seems a big deal now. It’s now part of the national psychological furniture.”

  “The Tonight Show” went off the air on January 25,1957. No one knew if it would return.

  ****

  INTERLUDE

  In 1956, Pat Weaver had been forced out of NBC. The reason: General David Sarnoff, head of RCA (NBC’s parent company), wanted to make his son, Robert, chairman of the network.

  When Steve Allen quit “The Tonight Show,” the new chairman replaced it with his own idea—“America After Dark,” a combination news and entertainment show. It was a disaster. Sleepy viewers just couldn’t get used to the jarring shifts between light entertainment and hard news reports. “A typical night might have coverage of a new jazz club, followed by a live report from the site of an airplane crash,” Ronald Smith writes in The Fight for Tonight. “It was as if someone was flicking the dial back and forth between David Letterman and Ted Koppel….At that hour of the night, bewildered viewers simply turned the set off and went to sleep.”

  Chastened, Robert Sarnoff decided to resurrect “The Tonight Show” with a new host. But who was the right person for the job?

  To find out, turn to page 199 for Part III of the story.

  The largest fossilized dinosaur turd ever found measures 22” x 8” x 7.5”.

  DUMB CROOKS

  Many Americans are worried about the growing threat of crime, but the good news is that there are plenty of crooks who are their own worst enemies. Want proof? Check out these news reports.

  CAREFUL, THIS FINGER’S LOADED

  MERCED, Calif.—“A man tried to rob a bank by pointing his finger at a teller, police said.

  “Steven Richard King just held up his finger and thumb in plain sight and demanded money. The Bank of America teller told Mr. King to wait, then just walked away. Mr. King then went across the street to another bank…jumped over the counter, and tried to get the key to the cash drawer. But an employee grabbed the key and told him to ‘get out of here.’

  “Police officers found Mr. King sitting in the shrubs outside the bank and arrested him.”

  —New York Times, April 1997

  STRANGE RESEMBLANCE

  OROVILLE, Calif.—“Thomas Martin, former manager of a Jack In the Box restaurant, reported that he’d been robbed of $307 as the store was closing. He provided police sketch artist Jack Lee with a detailed description of the suspect. When Lee put his pad down, he observed that the drawing looked just like Martin. When questioned, Martin confessed.”

  —Parade magazine, December 1996

  KEYSTONE KROOK

  OAKLAND, Calif.—“According to the Alameda County District Attorney’s office, in 1995 a man walked into an Oakland bank and handed the teller a note reading: This is a stikkup. Hand over all yer mony fast.

  “Guessing from this that the guy was no rocket scientist, the teller replied, ‘I’ll hand over the cash as long as you sign for it. It’s a bank policy: All robbers have to sign for their money.’

  The Elvis Presley hit “Hound Dog” was written in about ten minutes.

  “The would-be robber thought this over, then said, ‘I guess that’s OK.’ And he signed his full name and address.

  “That’s where the cops found him a few hours later.”

  —Jay Leno’s Police Blotter

  SHAKE YOUR BOOTIES

  WICHITA, Kan.—“Charles Taylor was on trial for robbing a shoe store at knifepoint, accused of taking a pair of tan hiking boots and $69. As he listened to testimony in court, he propped his feet on the defense table. He was wearing a pair of tan boots.

  “‘I leaned over and stared,’ the judge told a reporter later. ‘I thought, Surely nobody would be so stupid as to wear the boots he stole to his own trial.’ But when an FBI agent called the shoe store, he found out that the stolen boots were size 10, from lot no. 1046—the same size and lot number as the boots Taylor was wearing. The jury found Taylor guilty, and officers confiscated the boots. ‘We sent him back to jail in his stocking feet,’ the judge said.”

  —From wire service reports, March 1997

  NEXT WEEK HE’S COMING BACK FOR BRAINS

  “In March 1995, a twenty-six-year-old inmate walked away from his community release facility in South Carolina. He was recaptured a week later when he went back to pick up his paycheck.”

  —Knuckleheads in the News, by John Machay

  OH, JUST BAG IT

  “Not wishing to attract attention to himself, a bank robber in 1969 in Portland, Oregon, wrote all his instructions on a piece of paper rather than shouting.

  ‘‘This is a hold-up and I’ve got a gun,’ he wrote and then held the paper up for the cashier to read.

  “The bemused bank official waited while he wrote out, ‘Put all the money in a paper bag.’

  “This message was pushed through the grille. The cashier read it and then wrote on the bottom, ‘I don’t have a paper bag,’ and passed it back. The robber fled.”

  —The Book of Heroic Failures, by Stephen Pile

  In his youth, President William Howard Taft was recruited by a professional basketball team.

  PRESIDENTIAL INFLUENCE

  Public service is only a part of our presidents’ importance to us—they’re also pop icons. Their clothes, their hobbies, and so on have an impact on our lives, too. Here are some examples.

  THE ROCKING CHAIR

  President: JFK

  Influence: Until the 1960s, Americans only thought of rocking chairs as furniture for old folks or porches. Then Kennedy’s physician recommended he use a rocking chair whenever possible, for back therapy. In 1961 he was photographed at the White House sitting in an “old-fashioned cane-backed porch rocker.” Overnight, the company that made the chair was inundated with orders. Sensing a hot fad, furniture makers started cranking out rockers. B. Altman, a New York department store, even devoted an entire floor to them. The result: rocking chairs became furniture for living rooms.

  BROCCOLI

  President: George Bush

  Influence: In 1992, Bush commented that he didn’t like broccoli when he was a kid, and he didn’t like it now. “I’m president of the United States,” he said, “and I’m not going to eat any more broccoli.” The story was reported worldwide. Feigning outrage, a major broccoli producer shipped the White House 10 tons of the veggie. The arrival of the truck was carried live by CNN.

  Campbell’s Soups and Women’s Day magazine co-sponsored a recipe contest called “How to Get the President to Eat Broccoli.” With all the publicity, broccoli sales shot up 40%. “I can’t begin to tell you how wonderful this has been for us,” a broccoli industry spokesperson said. “The asparagus people were saying they wished Bush had picked on them instead.”

  PAINT-BY-NUMBERS

  President: Dwight D. Eisenhower

  Influence: Painting-by-numbers was already becoming popular when Ike was elected in 1952. He helped turn it into a national craze. As the media reported, Ike loved to paint, but didn’t care about originality (his paintings were copied from postcards, photos, etc.) or results (“They’re no fun when they’re finished,” he said). Plus, he couldn’t draw—so he often had other artists outline pictures on his canvas. Naturally, he thought paint-by numbers kits were great, and gave them his “official” endorsement in 1953 by handing out sets to his staff as Christmas presents. The craze peaked around 1954, but thanks in part to Ike, they’re still with us.

  President Dwight Eisenhower helped popularize Izod alligator shirts.


  GOING HATLESS

  President: JFK

  Influence: Believe it or not, kids, in 1960 “respectable” men were still expected to wear hats in public. (Not baseball caps but fedoras—the kind you see in old movies). JFK ignored tradition and usually went hatless. When other men began copying him, there were storms of protest from the fashion industry. The New York Times, for example, reported on July 6,1963:

  A British fashion magazine today stepped up its campaign to persuade President Kennedy to wear a hat and pointedly asked him how a hatless man could properly greet a lady. “How does the president acknowledge such an encounter?” asked Tailor & Cutter in an editorial….“The deft touch of a raised hat, politely pinched between thumb and forefinger …would bring a bright spark of gallantry to modern diplomatic moves.”

  JFK ignored their entreaties, and the hat industry ultimately bowed to the inevitable.

  THE SAXOPHONE

  President: Bill Clinton

  Influence: When he was running for office, Clinton played his sax on TV—and received a ton of favorable publicity. At his inauguration he did it again, playing “Your Mama Don’t Dance.” In 1993, the Wall Street Journal noted that “thanks in part to President Clinton’s willingness to toot his horn on national television, sales of saxophones are way up.” Music teachers also reported a big increase in sax students…and CD sales of sax music—from Kenny G to John Coltrane—have been booming.

  Texas-born President Lyndon Johnson inspired a boom in cowboy hats.

  FASHIONABLE MATERNITY CLOTHES

  First Lady: Jacqueline Kennedy

  Influence: Before I960, most pregnant women resigned themselves to staying out of public, and to looking embarrassingly dowdy when they ventured out. In the early 1960s, Jackie Kennedy brought maternity clothes out of the closet. Although she was pregnant, she remained visible in public life, wearing stylish clothes adapted for her. As Newsweek commented: