Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  —Kung Fu

  “If all the men who lived by the gun were laid end to end, I wouldn’t be surprised.”

  —Pappy Maverick, Maverick

  ON BIG IDEAS

  Ralph Kramden (working on a new scheme): “This is the biggest thing I ever got into!”

  Alice Kramden: “The biggest thing you ever got into was your pants.”

  —The Honeymooners

  “If we ever needed a brain, now is the time!”

  —Squiggy Squiggman,

  Laverne and Shirley

  ON TV

  “Dealing with network executives is like being nibbled to death by ducks.”

  —Eric Sevareid, CBS News

  “Imitation is the sincerest form of television.”

  —Mighty Mouse, The New

  Adventures of Mighty Mouse

  ON EDUCATION

  School principal: “I’m sure your children will be very happy here.”

  Gomez: “If we wanted them to be happy, we would’ve let them stay at home.”

  —The Addams Family

  Jane: “Do you like Kipling?”

  Jethro: “I don’t know—I ain’t never kippled.”

  —The Beverly Hillbillies

  “You know somethin’? If you couldn’t read, you couldn’t look up what’s on television.”

  —Beaver, Leave It to Beaver

  ON SUICIDE

  “I don’t believe in suicide. It stunts your growth.”

  —Vila Restal, Blake’s 7

  Among other things, ancient Egyptian embalmers preserved mummies with cinnamon.

  THE FIRST LADY

  Many Americans don’t recall that Eleanor Roosevelt was the first modern first lady (1933-1945) to take an active interest in America’s political life, supporting causes and speaking out about issues.

  “Courage is more exhilarating than fear, and in the long run it is easier.”

  “We started from scratch, every American an immigrant who came because he wanted a change. Why are we now afraid to change?”

  “For a really healthy development of all the arts, you need an educated audience as well as performers.”

  “People grow through experience if they meet life honestly and courageously. That is how character is built.”

  “Every effort must be made in childhood to teach the young to use their own minds. For one thing is sure: If they don’t make up their own minds, someone will do it for them.”

  “It is curious how much more interest can be evoked by a mixture of gossip, romance, and mystery than by facts.”

  “The important thing is neither your nationality nor the religion you professed, but how your faith translated itself in your life.”

  “In this world, most of us are motivated by fear—governments more, perhaps, even than individuals.”

  “Remember always that you have not only the right to be an individual; you have the obligation to be one. You cannot make any useful contribution in life unless you do this.”

  “The idea of rugged individualism, completely divorced from the public interest, has a heroic sound, a kind of stalwart simplicity. The only trouble is that for many years it has been inapplicable to American life.”

  “The function of democratic living is not to lower standards, but to raise those that have been too low.”

  Only 1% of people suffering from night blindness are females.

  THE INSANE EXPERIMENT

  BRI member Ben Brand sent us this information about a couple of experiments conducted by a Stanford professor a few years ago. The results are a little scary—but frankly, they’re not that surprising, are they?

  EXPERIMENT #1

  Researchers: Dr. David Rosenhan, a professor of psychology and law at Stanford University. He was assisted by eight people, carefully chosen because they were “apparently sane in every measurable respect, with no record of past mental problems”: three psychologists, a psychiatrist, a pediatrician, an artist, a housewife, and a psychology graduate student.

  Who They Studied: The people who run America’s mental institutions.

  • Using pseudonyms, the researchers presented themselves at 12 different mental institutions around the U.S. as patients “worried about their mental health.” They were admitted and diagnosed as insane. According to Ron Perlman in the San Francisco Chronicle, “All told the same tale of trouble: they had been hearing voices which seemed to be saying ‘empty’ or ‘hollow’ or ‘thud.’ This was the only symptom they presented, and the pseudopatient’s were scrupulously truthful about all other aspects of their lives during interviews and therapy sessions.”

  • Perlman adds; “As soon as they were admitted to the hospitals, they stopped simulating any symptoms at all, and whenever they were asked they all said they felt fine and that their brief hallucinations were gone. They were cooperative as patients and behaved completely normally. The only symptom they might then have shown was a little nervousness at the possibility of being found out.”

  • They remained in the institutions for as long as 52 days, getting regular treatment.

  • The eight “mental patients” scrupulously kept a written record of both their treatment and the things that happened around them in the mental wards. At first they did it furtively, hiding their notes so the staff wouldn’t find them. But gradually they realized that the staff didn’t care, and never even bothered to ask what they were writing. “One nurse,” writes Perlman, “noticing that a pseudopatient was taking regular notes, saw it as a symptom of a crazy compulsion. ‘Patient engages in writing behavior,’ she wrote portentously in his chart day after day.”

  What do foxes and bees have in common? They both pollinate plants.

  What They Learned: “We cannot distinguish the sane from the insane in psychiatric hospitals,” Rosenhan reported. Moreover, he added, “it’s the hospitals themselves that might be ‘insane’ rather than the patients confined there.”

  Some of the evidence:

  • Of the eight experimenters, seven were diagnosed as schizophrenics; one was diagnosed as “a victim of manic-depressive psychosis.”

  • And when they were released, they were described “improved,” or “in remission,” but no doctors listed any of them as “cured.”

  • The staff at the institutions never suspected the eight experimenters weren’t crazy…but the real patients did.

  • Perlman writes: “Many of the real patients challenged them. ‘You’re not crazy,’ they insisted. ‘You’re a journalist, or a professor. You’re checking up on the hospital,’” Rosenhan’s wry comment on the subject: “The fact that the patients often recognized normality when staff did not raises important questions,”

  EXPERIMENT #2

  At one of the hospitals included in the experiment, administrators doubted Rosenhan’s results. It was, they insisted, impossible for professionals to make such egregious mistakes. So Rosenhan suggested a new experiment that would prove either the hospital or his own findings right.

  Researchers: Rosenhan and, an undetermined number of additional “pseudopatients.”

  Who They Studied: The hospital staff. Rosenhan told the hospital that his new assistants would pull the same stunt they’d tried before, and challenged hospital officials to detect them.

  What They Learned: Rosenhan’s original findings could well have been correct.

  Message to Jessica Eriksen: Mushrooms share a common ancestry with insects, not plants.

  Some of the evidence:

  • “The hospital staffs took extra pains diagnosing the next 193 patients admitted for psychiatric treatment,” Perlman writes, “and sure enough, 41 new patients were determined by at least one staff member to be a “pseudopatient”—a sane person posing as insane. Twenty-three patients were judged to be sane by at least one psychiatrist.”

  • Actually, not a single one of the 193 was sent there by Rosenhan.

  • That didn’t mean they were really insane, of course—Rosenhan offered no concl
usions about them. He merely pointed out that as soon as doctors and their staff expected to find sane people among the patients, they did.

  • His conclusion: “Any diagnostic process that lends itself so readily to massive errors of this sort cannot be a very reliable one.”

  ****

  AND NOW…BEHIND THE TITLE

  Here’s how a pair of well-known books got their titles.

  1984, by George Orwell

  Readers assume that Orwell was predicting the year his bleak vision would come true. He wasn’t. He was concerned that people would interpret his story as a description of contemporary life. So, to put it into the future, he just transposed the numbers of the year he completed it—1948 became 1984.

  GONE WITH THE WIND, by Margaret Mitchell

  First the book was called Pansy, after the lead character. Then Pansy’s name was changed to Scarlett and the title became Tote the Weary Load. That didn’t last long, either—Mitchell decided on Tomorrow Is Another Day (Scarlett’s famous line)…then backed away from it when she realized that more than a dozen books in print already started with the word “Tomorrow.” Publication was imminent—and she needed a title. Finally, she just picked a line she’d used in the book.

  According to the California Medical Association, 87% of pro boxers have brain damage.

  TELEVISION HOAXES

  A majority of Americans say they get their info and opinions on world events from TV news and documentaries. When you consider how easy it is to fake TV “news,” that’s a pretty scary thought.

  THE TAMARA RAND HOAX

  Background: On March 30, 1981 President Ronald Reagan was shot by John Hinkley, Jr. A few days later, KNTV in Las Vegas, ran a segment of the “Dick Maurice and Company” show that had been taped on January 6, 1981—nearly two months earlier.

  Incredibly, the tape showed a psychic named Tamara Rand predicting that Reagan would be shot in March or April “by a young, fair-haired man who acted alone” and had the initials “J. H.” The prediction-come-true was so amazing that a few days later ABC’s “Good Morning America” and NBC’s “Today” also broadcast it.

  The Truth: An Associated Press reporter noticed that Rand was wearing different rings on her fingers during the assassination segment than on the rest of the show. Her microphone was attached to her shirt a different way, too. The reporter did some investigating…and discovered that the day after the assassination, Rand and Maurice had sneaked back to the TV studios wearing the same clothes they’d worn in the first interview, and taped a new one. Then they combined the two videotapes to make it look as if Rand had predicted the assassination.

  What Happened: Maurice and Rand admitted the hoax. Maurice was suspended from his show; Rand faded back into obscurity.

  BLOOD SPORT

  Background: On April 29, 1991, Denver’s Channel 4 KCNC News began airing “Bloodsport,” a four-part series on Denver’s dog-fighting underworld. Exhibit A was an anonymous home video that someone had mailed to KCNC reporter Wendy Bergen. The footage showed dogs working out on treadmills and fighting one another. The story launched a police investigation into illegal dog-fighting in Denver.

  The world’s oceans have risen an average of six inches in the past 100 years.

  The Truth: On May 2,1991, the broadcasting columnist for the Rocky Mountain News reported that the “anonymous home video” was actually footage of a dogfight that had been staged for KCNC. Bergen and her cameraman denied the charge, but a few days later the man who staged the fights agreed to cooperate with the police in exchange for immunity. It turned out that the fights had been staged, and that the workout scenes had even been filmed on the cameraman’s own treadmill.

  As Bob Tamarkin writes in Rumor Has It, “After finding out that attending a dogfight was a felony punishable by up to four years in prison, Bergen re-edited the tape to make it look like a home video. She sent it to herself and told executives that it had arrived anonymously.”

  What Happened: Bergen and her cameraman eventually confessed; both were fired and each was indicted on felony charges. Bergen was found guilty of conspiracy, being an accessory, and one count of dogfighting. She was fined $20,000.

  THE PREGNANT MAN OF THE PHILIPPINES

  Background: In May 1992 newspapers in the Philippines began running stories about “Carlo,” a male nurse who was actually a hermaphrodite—a person born with complete sets of both male and female sexual organs. Carlo claimed he was six months pregnant, and he had a bulging belly to prove it. “I feel proud that I’m going to be the mother of a baby boy,” he told reporters. “I’m happy now that I’m really feeling fulfilled like a complete woman.” NBC’s “Today” picked up the story, and Bryant Gumbel interviewed Carlo on the air.

  The Truth: A few days after the “Today” interview, a gynecologist examined Carlo and quickly discovered that 1) he wasn’t pregnant; 2) he wasn’t a hermaphrodite, and 3) he looked pregnant because he was wearing a fake belly under his shirt. “Carlo” was actually Edwin Bayron, and the pregnancy was part of a scheme to have his gender legally changed to female so that he could marry his male lover, a 21-year-old Army officer, in the Catholic Church.

  What Happened: Bayron went underground after the hoax was exposed; Gumbel apologized on the air.

  The Swiss spend more money per capita on insurance than citizens of any other country.

  DATELINE NBC

  Background: On November 17, 1992, “Dateline NBC” aired a story attacking the safety record of GM trucks that had “sidesaddle” gas tanks. The story included NBC’s own crash tests, which showed two of the trucks exploding into flames when hit by another car in a side impact.

  The Truth: As a multi-million-dollar lawsuit filed by GM later alleged, NBC had attached tiny model rocket engines to the trucks to make them burst into flames. Furthermore, the lawsuit alleged, “NBC did not disclose that the fire lasted only 15 seconds, that gasoline had leaked from an ill-fitting cap, and that its own correspondent had argued that the tests were unscientific and should not be aired.”

  What Happened: NBC settled the lawsuit with GM in February 1993 and as part of the settlement, apologized to GM publicly for staging the crash. NBC News president Michael Gartner was fired 21 days later, and the incident became famous as “a video-age symbol of irresponsible journalism.”

  ****

  LIFE’S LITTLE IRONIES

  • Astronaut Buzz Aldrin’s mother’s maiden name was Moon.

  • The only member of the band ZZ Top without a beard has the last name Beard.

  • On Jan. 4, 1971 George Mellendorf, a soldier in Vietnam, sent Pres. Richard Nixon this letter: “Dear President Nixon: It seems nobody cares if we get our mail. We are lucky to get it twice a week. Sir, someone is not doing their job.” It was delivered to Mr. Nixon in Feb. 1978, seven years later.

  • On Jan. 2, 1997, famous psychic Jeanne Dixon made this celebrity prediction: “A famous entertainer [will] leave a nation in mourning within weeks.” On Jan. 25, three weeks later, she died of a heart attack.

  The right whale’s eyeball is about as big as an orange.

  FAMOUS FOR BEING NAKED

  We know—this sounds a little off-color. Butt…er…we mean but…it’s just another way to look at history.

  LADY GODIVA, wife of Earl Leofric, lord of Coventry, England, in the 1100s

  Famous for: Riding horseback through Coventry, covered only by her long blonde hair.

  The bare facts: Lady Godiva was upset by the heavy taxes her husband had imposed on poor people in his domain. When she asked him to give the folks a break, he laughingly replied that he’d cut the taxes if she would ride through the town naked. To his shock, she agreed. But she requested that townspeople stay indoors and not peek while she rode through the streets. Legend has it that they all complied except for one young man named Tom, who secretly watched through a shutter…which gave us the term “peeping Tom.”

  ARCHIMEDES (287-212 B.C.), a “classic absent-minded professor” and o
ne of the most brilliant thinkers of the Ancient World

  Famous for: Running naked through the streets of ancient Syracuse, screaming “Eureka!”

  The bare facts: Archimedes’ friend, King Hieron II of Syracuse, Sicily, was suspicious that his new crown wasn’t solid gold. Had the goldsmith secretly mixed in silver? He asked Archimedes to find out. As Peter Lafferty recounts in his book, Archimedes:

  Archimedes took the crown home and sat looking at it. What was he to do? He weighed the crown. He weighed a piece of pure gold just like the piece the goldsmith had been given. Sure enough, the crown weighed the same as the gold. For many days, he puzzled over the crown. Then one evening,…the answer came to him.

  That night, his servants filled his bath to the brim with water. As Archimedes lowered himself into the tub, the water overflowed onto the floor. Suddenly, he gave a shout and jumped out. Forgetting that he was naked, he ran down the street to the palace shouting “Eureka!” (“I have found it!”)

  A selenologist is someone who studies the moon.

  Archimedes, presumably still wearing his birthday suit, explained his discovery to the king: “When an object is placed in water,” he said, “it displaces an amount of water equal to its own volume.”

  To demonstrate, he put the crown in a bowl of water and measured the overflow. Then he put a lump of gold that weighed the same as the crown into the bowl. “The amount of water was measured,” writes Lafferty, “and to the King’s surprise, the gold had spilled less than the crown.” It was proof that the goldsmith really had tried to cheat the king. The secret: “Silver is lighter than gold, so to make up the correct weight, extra silver was needed. This meant that the volume of the crown was slightly larger than the gold, so the crown spilled more water.”

  Archimedes became famous for his discovery. We can only guess what happened to the goldsmith.

  RED BUTTONS, popular red-headed actor of the 1940s and 1950s