Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader
Page 19
“Magnum” ran for eight years and made Selleck famous, but he never really made it as a movie star. Raiders of the Lost Ark, starring Harrison Ford, became one of the top-grossing films of all time and helped establish Ford as the biggest box-office attraction in history.
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RANDOM INFO: FIVE FOOD FLOPS
1. Cold Snap. An imitation ice cream mix introduced by Proctor & Gamble in the 1960s. “It had the taste of cold Criso, took hours to prepare, and had directions similar to a model airplane.”
2. Prest-O-Wine. Like alcoholic Kool-Aid. Just add sugar and water to a purple powder (secret ingredient: yeast), and wait a month.
3. Square Eggs. Introduced in 1989, a French company called Ov’Action, Inc. “Fully cooked, reconstituted egg cubes,” 2/3” square. Had a 21-day shelf life and could be microwaved.
4. Spudka. A vodka-like beverage from Idaho potato-growers.
5. Whisp Spray Vermouth. “Good news for martini-drinkers”—vermouth in an aerosol spray container. Also recommended as a seasoning “for fresh fruit, meat, and seafood!”
If New York City was as densely populated as Alaska, 14 people would live in Manhattan.
TOP-RATED TV SHOWS, 1961-1966
More of the annual Top 10 TV shows of the past 50 years.
1961-1962
(1) Wagon Train
(2) Bonanza
(3) Gunsmoke
(4) Hazel
(5) Perry Mason
(6) The Red Skelton Show
(7) The Andy Griffith Show
(8) The Danny Thomas Show
(9) Dr. Kildare
(10) Candid Camera
1962-1963
(1) The Beverly Hillbillies
(2) Candid Camera
(3) The Red Skelton Show
(4) Bonanza
(5) The Lucy Show
(6) The Andy Griffith Show
(7) Ben Casey
(8) The Danny Thomas Show
(9) The Dick Van Dyke Show
(10) Gunsmoke
1963-1964
(1) The Beverly Hillbillies
(2) Bonanza
(3) The Dick Van Dyke Show
(4) Petticoat Junction
(5) The Andy Griffith Show
(6) The Lucy Show
(7) Candid Camera
(8) The Ed Sullivan Show
(9) The Danny Thomas Show
(10) My Favorite Martian
1964-1965
(1) Bonanza
(2) Bewitched
(3) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
(4) The Andy Griffith Show
(5) The Fugitive
(6) The Red Skelton Hour
(7) The Dick Van Dyke Show
(8) The Lucy Show
(9) Peyton Place (II)
(10) Combat
1965-1966
(1) Bonanza
(2) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
(3) The Lucy Show
(4) The Red Skelton Hour
(5) Batman (II)
(6) The Andy Griffith Show
(7) Bewitched
(8) The Beverly Hillbillies
(9) Hogan’s Heroes
(10) Batman (I)
1966-1967
(1) Bonanza
(2) The Red Skelton Hour
(3) The Andy Griffith Show
(4) The Lucy Show
(5) The Jackie Gleason Show
(6) Green Acres
(7) Daktari
(8) Bewitched
(9) The Beverly Hillbillies
(10) Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C.
Season’s greetings: Americans sent about 2.6 billion Christmas cards in 1996.
YOU SHOULD NEVER…
A few pearls of wisdom from 599 Things You Should Never Do, edited by Ed Morrow.
“Never argue with an idiot—folks might not be able to tell the difference.”
—Anonymous
“Never believe anything until it’s been officially denied.”
—Antony Jay
“Never sell the sheep’s hide when you can sell the wool.”
—German adage
“Never say ‘that was before your time,’ because the last full moon was before their time.”
—Bill Cosby
(on talking to children)
“Never cut what you can untie.”
—Joseph Joubert
“Never slap a man who chews tobacco.”
—Willard Scott
“Never be flippantly rude to elderly strangers in foreign hotels. They always turn out to be the King of Sweden.”
—Hector Hugh Munro
“Never whisper to the deaf or wink at the blind.”
—Slovenian adage
“Never test the depth of a river with both feet.”
—African adage
“Never fight an inanimate object.”
—P. J. O’Rourke
“ Never think you’ve seen the last of anything.”
—Eudora Welty
“Never eat anything whose listed ingredients cover more than a third of the package.”
—Joseph Leonard
“Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.”
—American adage
“Never try to outsmart a woman, unless you are another woman.”
—William Lyon Phelps
“Never judge a book by its movie.”
—J. W. Eagan
Ouch! There are 1,000 barbs in a single porcupine quill.
A GOLDEN TURKEY …WITH WINGS!
There are bad movies…and then there are BAD movies. Years ago the Medved brothers reintroduced stinkers like Plan 9 From Outer Space to the public in their groundbreaking books, The 50 Worst Films of All Time and The Golden Turkey Awards. Then “Mystery Science Theater 3000” gave us a chance to watch the best of the worst on TV. Today there are millions of bad movie buffs…and Uncle John is one of them. Here’s one of his favorite stinkers.
THE GIANT CLAW (1957)
Director: Fred F. Sears
Starring: Jeff Morrow, Mara Corday, Morris Ankrum, Robert Shayne, Louis Merrill, Edgar Barrier, Clark Howat, Ruell Shayne
The Plot: Mitch (Jeff Morrow), an electrical engineer, is testing aircraft for the military (huh?) when he spots a UFO that doesn’t seem to show up on radar. Then, coincidentally, he and his girlfriend Sally are in a plane that’s captured by the same UFO—which turns out to be a giant puppet…er, bird. The plane crash-lands, but Mitch and Sally are saved by a French-Canadian named Pierre—coincidentally, the guy on whose land the giant bird is nesting. See, that’s the secret—the giant puppet…er, bird, protected by an anti-matter shield, has flown all the way from another galaxy to lay an egg on Earth. Luckily, Mitch and Sally figure it out in time, find the nest, and come up with the only weapon that can defeat the Giant Puppet…er, Claw—a “mu-meson” projector. As Air Force General Buzzkirk looks on, they blow up the bird and save the Earth.
Commentary:
• From Badmovies.org: “One of the great B-movies of all time I must say, this film made quite an impression. Any movie bold enough to feature a GIGANTIC ANTIMATTER SPACE BUZZARD (Hehehehehe!) is awesome!…To top it all off the winged terror is really absurd looking. Forget the premise, forget the execution—who the heck came up with that puppet? A terrific B-movie, it makes me giggle constantly.”
Earthworms have five hearts.
• From Creature Features: “Inane, incredulous, incompetent—one of the truly laughable sci-fi turkeys of the ’50s and a classic low-water mark for schlockmeister producer Sam Katzman…the titular talon is attached to a giant bird from space, which resembles a stuffed Thanksgiving turkey and is obviously pulled by wires…The asinine avian avenger, with long neck, bulging eyeballs and a plucked look, will have you rolling in the aisles.”
• From And You Call Yourself a Scientist!: “For the most part, The Giant Claw is a run-of-the-mill little film, indistinguishable from most of its low-budget contemporaries. It has all the usual features: the Earth threatened with destructio
n, an initially antagonistic couple who fall in love, a fair mix of scientists and the military, pages of pseudo-scientific gobbledygook posing as dialogue, stock footage and stock music….For the first twenty-five minutes, a casual viewer might [suspect] that [it’s] is nothing more than a time-waster…. But then we hit the twenty-sixth minute, and…we realize The Giant Claw has something that lifts it…into the rarefied atmosphere of the truly, unforgettably awful: its monster, without exception the silliest monster in all fifties science-fiction, and a sure finalist in any all-time-silliest list.”
• From Jabootu’s Bad Movie Dimension (Ken Begg): “The Giant Claw has the distinction of featuring perhaps the silliest looking monster of any 1950s Sci-Fi flick. Genre vets Jeff Morrow and Mara Corday had no idea what they were in for when they signed on for this cheapie.” That’s literally true. Years later, Morrow confessed to a critic:
We poor, benighted actors had our own idea of what the giant bird would look like—our concept was that this was something that resembled a streamlined hawk, possibly half a mile long, flying at such speeds that we could barely see it. That was the way we envisioned it. Well, the producer, Sam Katzman, decided for economic reasons not to spend the $10-$ 15,000 it would take to make a really good bird—he had it made in Mexico, probably for $19.98! [My family and I] went to a sneak preview in Westwood Village, and when the monster appeared on the screen it was like a huge plucked turkey, flying with these incredible squawks! And the audience went into hysterics.
“Morrow was so mortified by what he was acting terrified of on the screen that he slunk out of the theater and met his family in the parking lot when the movie was over. [Then he] hastily retreated to his house” to avoid talking to anyone in the audience.
Horses don’t breath through their mouths.
GREAT DIALOGUE
Narrator: “Once more a frantic pilot radios in a report on a UFO. A bird. A bird as big as a Battleship.”
General Buzzkirk: “Three men reported they saw something. Two of them are now dead.”
Mitch: “That makes me Chief Cook and Bottle Washer in a one-man Bird-Watchers’ Society!”
First Pilot: “This is Easy Baker Squadron Leader. Target below and to the side. See it?”
Second Pilot: “Yee-ow! Holy Toledo! I’ve seen some mighty big chicken-hawks back on the farm, but man, this baby takes the cake! Honest to Pete, I’ll never call my mother-in-law an old crow again!”
Sally: “Will it work, Mitch?”
Mitch: “I don’t know. I honestly haven’t the faintest, foggiest idea. It’s one of those cockeyed concepts that you pull down out of Cloud Eight somewhere in sheer desperation.”
Scientist: “That bird is extra-terrestrial! It comes from outer space—from some God-forsaken anti-matter galaxy millions and millions of light years from the Earth. No other explanation is possible.”
Narrator: “No corner of the Earth was spared the terror of looking up into God’s blue sky and seeing, not peace and security, but the feathered nightmare on wings!”
Mitch: “The explosion was no accident! I did it on purpose! I used the mesic atom projector!”
Scientist: “What!”
Mitch: “Sure! We had the basic wiring all fouled up. It was a simple matter of adjusting the polarity on the main condensor terminals!”
Artichokes are flowers.
CLASSIC RUMORS
Some rumors have been around so long that they deserve a special place in the annals of gossip. Have you heard any of these?
ORIGIN: Mid-1940s.
RUMOR: The Harvard School of Medicine will buy your body for $500. All you have to do is let them tattoo the words “Property of Harvard Medical School” on the bottom of your feet. When you die, your body will be shipped C.O.D. to Harvard.
HOW IT SPREAD: By word of mouth, back when $500 was a lot of money.
THE TRUTH: Harvard says it has never paid people for their bodies, and only accepts donations from people who specify in their wills that they want their bodies to go to the school. Even then, surviving relatives have to agree with the bequest. To this day, the school receives several calls a week asking about the program.
ORIGIN: The 1950s, heyday of big hair.
RUMOR: A teenager got a beehive hairdo, and liked it so much that she didn’t wash it out—not even after a couple of weeks. She sprayed it every morning with hair spray…and suddenly one morning got a terrible stabbing pain on the top of her head. She went to the doctor, who found a black widow that had stung the woman on her scalp. She died from the sting a few days later.
THE TRUTH: This story changes with fashion trends. In the 1960s, it was a mouse that tunneled into the brain of a “dirty hippie”; in the 1970s, a man died on the floor of a disco when the cucumber he stuffed down the front of his tight pants cut off circulation to his legs. Most versions have two morals: 1) bathe regularly; and 2) avoid loony fashion fads.
ERA: The 1970s, during the energy crisis
RUMOR: The oil companies have a pill that can make a car go 100 miles on one gallon of gas. But they’re sitting on it to keep gasoline sales high. (Similar stories abounded about super-carburetors and experimental cars that went 1,000 miles on a gallon of gas.)
Einstein couldn’t read until the age of nine.
HOW IT SPREAD: Word of mouth, perhaps as an explanation for the fuel crisis, and/or a manifestation of public fear and suspicion of huge corporations.
THE TRUTH: Oil companies scoff at the idea, and no one has ever produced a shred of evidence. The story can be traced to an old gas station con, when hucksters would pull into a gas station, fill a fake gasoline tank with water, and then convince the gas station owner that the car ran on water and a magic pill. The con man then sold the owner a jar of the pills for all the cash he had.
ORIGIN: Late 1930s.
RUMOR: If the wrapper of your Tootsie Roll Pop has a picture of the Indian aiming his bow and arrow at a star (called “Shooting Star” by the company) on it, you can send it in for a free bag of candies.
HOW IT SPREAD: From one kid to another since the Tootsie Roll Pop was introduced in 1936.
THE TRUTH: The Tootsie Roll Company has never redeemed an Indian wrapper for bags of candy. Even if it wanted to, it couldn’t afford to, since nearly half of all Tootsie Roll Pops have the Indian on the label. The company responds to such requests with a legend of its own: in a special form letter, it explains that Shooting Star is the one who invented the process of putting the Tootsie Pop inside the lollipop. Every once in a while, Shooting Star returns to the factory and inspects the candy to make sure the company is following his instructions. The Indian on the wrapper is Shooting Star’s seal of approval: it shows that he has personally inspected that piece of candy himself.
ORIGIN: The 1960s
RUMOR: It’s against the law to kill a praying mantis. If you’re caught, you can be fined.
THE TRUTH: Praying mantises are good for gardens, but there’s no law protecting them—they’re not endangered. (In fact, this rumor predated the Endangered Species Act by many years.) The tale was probably invented years ago by a gardener trying to keep kids from destroying the weird-looking, but beneficial, bugs.
If an octopus is hungry enough, it will eat its own arms.
ALIAS ALLEN SMITHEE
If you’ve never seen one of Alan Smithee’s movies, consider yourself lucky. As a director, Smithee has made more movies than almost anyone…and nearly everyone of them stinks. Here’s the story behind the name.
I HAVEN’T HEARD OF THIS “SMITHEE” GUY. HAS HE REALLY MADE SO MANY MOVIES?
Yep. Smithee has had his hand in more than 60 movies, an untold number of television shows and more than a dozen music videos since 1969. He’s not only very prolific, but more versatile than any other director. His movies have appeared in all genres and budget ranges, from forgettable Westerns and slasher films…to medium-range comedies…to high-budget science fiction. What’s strange, though, is that with all these movies, he’s never
been interviewed by Entertainment Weekly or People.
Even more curious is the fact that although getting funding for a movie is hard enough even for a good director, his movies consistently stink.
HOW DOES HE MANAGE TO GET SO MUCH WORK? IS HE SOMEBODY’S BROTHER-IN-LAW OR SOMETHING?
No. He’s not related to anyone—because he doesn’t exist. His name is used by real directors who don’t want to take credit—or blame—for movies that didn’t turn out the way they’d hoped.
The name dates back to 1969 when “Smithee” directed his first film, Death of a Gunfighter. In reality, it was directed by two different people—Robert Totten and Don Siegal. But neither director was happy with the final version, and they asked their trade union, the Directors Guild of America, how to go about disassociating themselves from it. The Guild decided that a fictitious character should be created to shoulder the blame in cases where directors have lost control of their work.
Coming up with a name that was both generic and unique, however, was a problem. One Guild member, Emmy-winner John Rich, suggested an anonymous-sounding “Smith”—but that suggestion was turned down because it was common enough to possibly create confusion with real directors named Smith. Rich suggested adding two e’s at the end and Guild officers agreed.
A puwo is an animal that’s a cross between a poodle and a wolf.
Ironically, Smithee’s work in Deach of a Gunfighter got good reviews. The New York Times raved that the film was “sharply directed” and that “Smithee has an adroit facility for scanning faces and extracting sharp background detail.” Variety observed that “Smithee’s direction keeps the action taut and he draws a convincing portrayals from the supporting cast.” The reviews were so good, that Siegal joked to wannabe directors that they change their name to “Alan Smithee” and take credit for the film. Luckily, none of them took him up on the idea, because within a few years, Smithee’s name would become an industry watchword for bad films.
CAN ANY DIRECTOR USE THE NAME?