Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader
Page 38
Curse: The Boston Red Sox will never win a World Series again.
Origin: On Jan. 5,1920, Red Sox owner Harry Frazee announced he’d sold Babe “the Bambino” Ruth to the New York Yankees. Frazee got $100,000, plus a $300,000 loan for a mortgage at Fenway Park. The New York Yankees got the best player in baseball—a national treasure. The punishment for exchanging a gift of the gods for cold, crass cash? This curse.
Among other things, the ancient Egyptians worshipped cabbages.
The curse at work: Since then, the Yankees have won 34 pennants and 23 World Series. The Red Sox have won four pennants and lost all four World Series in heartbreaking fashion.
• 1946. After leading three games to two (in a best-of-seven series), Boston lost two in a row.
• 1967. They took the series to seven games against the Cardinals…and lost.
• 1975. In Game 6, Carlton Fisk’s homer in the 12th inning gave Boston a 7-6 victory against Cincinnati in one of the most dramatic moments in baseball history. But the Reds still won Game 7, 4-3.
• 1986. Boston led the New York Mets three games to two. They were winning 5-4 in Game 6, with two outs and two strikes on the Met batter. It looked like the curse was about to be broken. Then disaster hit: The Mets tied the game on a wild pitch by the Red Sox pitcher, and the batter hit a grounder that went through Red Sox first-baseman Bill Buckner’s legs; the Mets won the game, 6-5. Naturally, the Red Sox lost Game 7, too.
Status: People in Boston will stop believing in it when the Red Sox win a championship—and not a moment before.
THE CURSE OF COLAVITO
Curse: For trading slugger Rocky Colavito in 1960, the Cleveland Indians were doomed to bad baseball and bad luck.
Origin: April 17, 1960 was known as “the day Cleveland baseball died.” That’s the day the 26-year-old Colavito, hero of Indian fans, was dealt to the Detroit Tigers for a fading shortstop.
The curse at work: From 1960-93, the Indians finished no higher than third place—and that happened only once, in 1968.
• Bad luck ranged from player troubles—eg., in 1961, top young pitcher Sam McDowell, in his first major league start, broke two ribs throwing a fastball—to fan troubles: In June, 1974 they tried a 10¢ Beer Night; drunk fans poured onto the field, forcing a forfeit.
• July 1994-With Cleveland poised to reach the postseason for the first time since 1954, the players went on strike.
Status: Is it over? Hard to tell. The Indians made it to the World Series in 1995, but the best-hitting team in baseball batted .179 and lost in six games. Cleveland led the majors with 99 wins in ‘96, but choked against Baltimore in the divisional playoffs. As we write this, the Indians are in the World Series again. Maybe this time…
Minestrone means “big soup” in Italian.
GROUCHO MARX, ATTORNEY AT LAW
Here’s more dialogue from a recently rediscovered radio show featuring Groucho and Chico Marx—Five Star Theater, which aired in 1933.
(Phone rings)
MISS DIMPLE: Law offices of Beagle, Shyster, and Beagle …Mr. Beagle? I expect him back from court any minute …
Door opens; footsteps heard.
MISS DIMPLE: Good morning, Mr. Beagle. How did you make out in court?
GROUCHO: Splendid, splendid, Miss Dimple. I got my client off.
MISS DIMPLE: You got him off?
GROUCHO: Yes, I got him off the streets for six months. They put him in the workhouse.
MISS DIMPLE: Oh…Well, there’s a man out here who wants to talk to you about a job. (Footsteps approach.)
GROUCHO: Tell him I’ll take it. But I won’t work for less than a hundred dollars a week.
MISS DIMPLE: You misunderstand. He wants a job here.
GROUCHO: Oh, he wants a job. I think I can put him to work.
CHICO: I don’t wanna work. I just wanna job.
GROUCHO: Hmm-m How about references?
CHICO: Aw, that’s awright. You don’t need no references. I like your face.
GROUCHO: And I like your face—if it is a face. Have you had any experience?
CHICO: You bet. For 15 years I’ve been a musician.
GROUCHO: A musician? What do you get an hour?
CHICO: Well, for playing I get ten dollars an hour.
GROUCHO: What do you get for not playing?
CHICO: Twelve dollars an hour.
GROUCHO: That’s more like it.
CHICO: Now for rehearsing I make a special rate—that’s 15 dollars an hour.
GROUCHO: What do you get for not rehearsing?
CHICO: Oh, you couldn’t afford that. You see, if I no rehearse I no play. And if I no play, that runs into money.
England is only two-thirds the size of New England.
GROUCHO: What would you want to run into an open manhole?
CHICO: Just the cover charge.
GROUCHO: Well, drop in some time.
CHICO: Sewer.
GROUCHO: I guess we’ve cleaned that up. Now go out and find some clients.
CHICO: Hey! We no speak about money.
GROUCHO: That suits me fine. If you promise not to say anything about it, I won’t mention it either.
CHICO: Alright, but I gotta have more money.
GROUCHO: I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll give you 50 dollars a week and you can bring your own lunch.
CHICO: Well…
GROUCHO: Ok, I’ll go even further. I’ll give you 50 dollars a week and you can bring lunch for me too.
CHICO: I can’t live on fifty dollars a week.
GROUCHO: That will make me very happy. You’re hired.
CHICO: When do I start?
GROUCHO: Well, it’s one o’clock now. If you start now you can be back here at three with lunch. Bring me a cheese sandwich on white bread.
CHICO: I no gotta white bread, but I can give you rye.
GROUCHO: All right, then I’ll take a quart of rye.
(applause, commercial break)
GROUCHO: Today is Monday. What have we have got on the books besides red ink? What’s on the court calendar for this afternoon?
MISS DIMPLE: You know you have a suit on today.
GROUCHO: Certainly I have a suit on today. Do you expect me to come in my nightshirt? I only wear that for night court. Where’s that assistant I hired last week?
MISS DIMPLE: Oh, Mr. Ravelli. He just phoned.
GROUCHO: Oh, he phoned, did he? Where did he get the quarter? He’s been holding out on me. Say, I thought I told him to go out find some clients.
MISS DIMPLE: He said as soon as he finds a client he’ll come see you.
GROUCHO: Oh, so he’ll come in to see me. I suppose he doesn’t think I’m good enough to go out and see him! Maybe he’s ashamed to let me see where he lives. Where does he live?
Jimmy Hoffa’s middle name was Riddle.
MISS DIMPLE: He’s been living here in the office ever since you hired him.
GROUCHO: No wonder he’s ashamed.
MEANWHILE…
(street noises)
CHICO (yelling): Anybody want a lawyer? Nice fresh lawyer today? You want a lawyer, lady? Alright, it don’t hurt to ask, you know. Hey, mister, how about you? You wouldn’t want a lawyer, would you?
MAN: How do you know I wouldn’t?
CHICO: Well, you wouldn’t want this one.
MAN: As a matter of fact, I want a lawyer and I want one bad.
CHICO: I got just the man for you. He’s terrible.
MAN: Well then, leave me alone. I got no use for your lawyer.
CHICO: Well, I got no use for him either, but I gotta get a client.
MAN: Say, what are you trying to do? Lay off me or I’ll call a cop.
CHICO: You want to sue me? I got a good lawyer for you.
MAN: Oh, you…Officer, will you keep this nuisance away from me?
COP (Irish): Here you…move along, you’re obstructing traffic.
CHICO: You want a lawyer?
COP: What would I be wantin’ a l
awyer for?
CHICO: I don’t know. Take him home, wash him up, show him to the kids.
COP: Listen, what are you trying to do?
CHICO: My boss sent me down here to get clients.
COP: Well, you’re not going to get any clients for a lawyer standing around here.
CHICO: At’sa fine. How am I gonna get clients?
COP: Hustle around….Use your imagination….But move along.
LATER…
(door opens; footsteps heard)
CHICO: Hey, Mr. Flywheel! I gotta client. This lady, she wants to see you.
We’ll be back in a few pages with the conclusion Check out page 407
Bees are born fully grown.
WRETCHED REVIEWS
Doesn’t it bother you when a movie you love gets a thumbs-down from those two bozos on TV? Us, too. The Critics Were Wrong, by Ardis Sillick and Michael McCormick, compiles hundreds of misguided movie reviews like these.
THE WIZARD OF OZ
“Displays no trace of imagination, good taste or ingenuity…It’s a stinkeroo.”
—The New Yorker, 1939
LOVE ME TENDER
(Elvis’s first film)
“[Presley is] a young man of hulk and probably flabby muscle, with a degenerate face, who sings emasculated innuendos in a southern drawl as he strums guitar. The weak mouth seems to sneer, even in repose, and the large, heavy-lidded eyes seem open only to be on the lookout for opportunities for self-indulgence….How a society as dynamic as our own throws up such a monstrosity is beyond the scope of this review.”
—Films in Review, 1956
STAR WARS
“O dull new world! It is all as exciting as last year’s weather reports….all trite characters and paltry verbiage.”
—New York, 1977
JAWS
(The ads showed a gaping shark’s mouth.) “If sharks can yawn, that’s presumably what this one is doing. It’s certainly what I was doing all through this picture.”
—The New Republic, 1975
SNOW WHITE AND THE SEVEN DWARFS
“Snow White is a failure in every way. As a moving figure she is unreal, as a face and body she is absurd, and what she does is ludicrous….Another Snow White will sound the Disney death-knell.”
—Current History, 1938
THE EMPIRE
STRIKES BACK
“Malodorous offal…. Everything is stale, limp, desperately stretched out, and pretentious. Harrison Ford offers loutishness for charm, and becomes the epitome of the interstellar drugstore cowboy.”
—National Review, 1980
Short people have been called “shrimps” longer than shrimps have.
STRANGE CELEBRITY LAWSUITS
Here’s a “strange lawsuits” for celebrity junkies—people who read People magazine.
THE PLAINTIFF: Elton John
THE DEFENDANT: The Sunday Mirror, an English newspaper
THE LAWSUIT: In 1992, the Mirror claimed that John had been spitting out chewed hors d’oeuvres at a Hollywood party, calling it a “new diet.” The singer had recently gone public about his bulimia; he sued because “the story implied he was a sham”…and because he wasn’t even at the party.
THE VERDICT: The singer was awarded $518,000 in damages. The Mirror issued a formal apology admitting the story was bogus.
THE PLAINTIFF: Catherine Deneuve, French movie star
THE DEFENDANT: Outspoken Enterprises, Inc., a San Francisco magazine publisher
THE LAWSUIT: For five years, Outspoken Enterprises published Deneuve magazine. By 1996, it had 200,000 readers—making it one of the largest magazines for lesbians in the United States. The editor claimed the title was inspired by “the name of her first love,” not the actress. But Catherine Deneuve didn’t believe it. In January, 1996, she sued for trademark infringement.
THE VERDICT: The suit was apparently dropped when the magazine voluntarily changed its name to Curve.
THE PLAINTIFFS: French sexpot Brigitte Bardot and her neighbor, Jean-Pierre Manivet
THE DEFENDANTS: Jean-Pierre Manivet and Brigitte Bardot
THE LAWSUIT: Not surprisingly, it’s about sex. In 1989, Bardot and Manivet lived next to each other on the French Riviera. Bardot owned a female donkey, Mimosa, and a mare, Duchesse; Manivet had a male donkey named Charly. Bardot, an animal activist, agreed to let Charly graze with her animals. But when Charly “began to show male instincts toward the old mare,” he lost his rights—Bardot had him castrated. Manivet was out of town at the time; when he returned, he sued Bardot for 4,500 francs (about $950) in damages, plus 10,000 for “moral prejudice.” Bardot countersued, claiming Manivet’s publicity about the case had harmed her image.
The ancient Romans dyed their hair with bird droppings.
THE VERDICT: Everyone lost. The court ruled it was within Bardot’s rights to “fix” the donkey, but not to protect her “image.”
THE PLAINTIFF: Richard Belzer, of TV’s Homicide: Life on the Street
THE DEFENDANTS: Hulk Hogan and Mr. T., professional wrestlers
THE LAWSUIT: In 1985, Belzer hosted a cable talk show called “Hoc Properties.” Hogan and Mr. T. appeared on one program as guests. According to news reports, the interview was “merely awkward” until Belzer asked them to show him some wrestling moves.
“I’m going to make him squeal,” Hogan chuckled as he stood up.” Mr. T. urged “the Hulkster” to show Belzer a “Pipsqueak Sandwich.”
While the band played Chopin’s funeral march in the background—and a Manhattan studio audience, including 50 children in wheelchairs, who had been invited to the show, watched in horror—Hogan demonstrated his “front chin lock.” After a few seconds, the comedian collapsed. He recovered briefly—long enough to break for a commercial—and then he was taken by ambulance to Mount Sinai Hospital where nine stitches were taken in his scalp.
Belzer sued the two wrestlers for $5 million.
THE VERDICT: In 1988, the case was settled out of court.
THE PLAINTIFF: Michael B. Mukasey, stepfather of singer Mariah Carey
THE DEFENDANT: Mariah Carey
THE LAWSUIT: In 1993, Mukasey filed suit claiming that Carey had promised to let him market “singing dolls that looked like her.” Underlying the lawsuit: His contention that he deserved a share of her earnings because “he helped her achieve stardom by…providing transportation to rehearsals and paying for dental work.”
THE VERDICT: Case dismissed.
Funeral directors used to be known as “cold cooks.”
THE HISTORY OF ROCK: QUIZ #2
Now it’s time to find out how much you know about oldies from the 1960s. See page 495 for the answers.
1. The Jefferson Airplane’s “White Rabbit”—inspired by Alice in Wonderland—was one of the rock classics of the 1960s. What prompted singer Grace Slick to write it?
a) The rest of the group locked her in a room and told her not to come out until she’d written some songs.
b) She read Alice to her niece and couldn’t get over how “psychedelic” the story was.
c) She went to a Halloween party and saw Janis Joplin dressed as Alice.
2. “Summer in the City” was the Lovin’ Spoonful’s biggest hit, a #1 song in 1966. It was co-written by Spoonful leader John Sebastian and…
a) Tommy Gershwin, nephew of composer George Gershwin. He adapted it from an unpublished piece of music his uncle had left him.
b) Mark Sebastian, John’s brother. According to legend, Mark submitted the lyrics as a poem in his high school English class…and got an “F” on them. John didn’t think they were so bad and put them to music.
c) Grace Slick. She’d just finished “White Rabbit” and was looking for something new to work on.
3. Roy Orbison hit #1 in 1964 with “Pretty Woman.” How did he come up with the idea for the song?
a) His wife announced she was going to buy groceries.
b) His wife announced she was pregnant.
c) H
is wife announced she was leaving him.
Newborn babies don’t have kneecaps.
4. In 1962, Frankie Valli and the Four Seasons were rudely interrupted while recording their soon-to-be #1 song, “Walk Like a Man.” What happened?
a) The studio was robbed. The thieves took their money, jewelry…and all the instruments.
b) The building was on fire—fire fighters were smashing down the studio door as the group desperately tried to finish the recording.
c) A gang of fans broke down the door and chased the group all over the studio—finally cornering them in the men’s room. Police had to rescue them.
5. In 1969, a group called Steam hit #1 with a pop tune called “Na Na Hey Hey Kiss Him Goodbye.” How did they wind up with that title (which is also the chorus)?
a) One of the musicians was a Native American whose tribal name was “Nah nah hay-hay.”
b) They couldn’t think of any words, so they just stuck in some nonsense syllables.
c) One of the musician’s kids, a three-year-old, came up with it.
6. In 1964, jazz trumpeter Louis Armstrong became the oldest artist ever to have a #1 song when his version of “Hello, Dolly” topped the charts. Why did he record the song?
a) “Dolly” was his first wife’s name.
b) It was a publicity gimmick. He cut a deal with David Merrick, the show’s producer: If Armstrong’s record made the Top 10, Merrick said he’d pay the trumpeter an extra $100,000.
c) Someone gave it to Armstrong at the recording session. He’d never heard of the musical or the song, but thought it was decent enough to record.
7. Which of these classic 1960s rock songs was made up spontaneously—right in the middle of a live performance?
a) “When a Man Loves a Woman,” by Percy Sledge
b) “All You Need Is Love,” by the Beatles
c) “My Boyfriend’s Back’ by the Angels
One third of the entire population of Sweden emigrated to the United States in the 1800s.
THE EIFFEL TOWER, PART II
Room with a view: Among the amenities that Gustave Eiffel designed for the tower was a penthouse apartment at the top, complete with a grand piano and spotlights for shining on other Paris monuments. He built it for his own use.