Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader

by Bathroom Readers' Institute

  The censors also removed a scene of Kong “accidentally” removing Fay Wray’s clothing. All of the remaining violent scenes were darkened, so that it would be harder to see what Kong was doing. (Some of the cut scenes were rediscovered decades later and reinserted into the film.)

  PART XI: KONG FACTS

  • Many of the sets used in King Kong were hand-me-downs from earlier films, and were in turn used in later films when Kong was finished. The Great Wall on Skull Island was made with remnants from the 1927 Cecil B. DeMille epic The King of Kings (after King Kong it was used in a film called She, and The Return of Chandu, a Bela Lugosi serial. It was ultimately set on fire during the burning-of-Atlanta scene in Gone With the Wind).

  Most common time to sight a UFO: 11 p.m.

  • Fay Wray provided all of her own screams in King Kong, spending an entire day at the sound studio screaming herself hoarse.

  • The finished film was 13 reels long. A superstitious man, Cooper refused to let it go out at that length. He wanted it longer. So O’Brien went back to work…and created one of the most elaborate sequences in the entire film, one in which Kong attacks an elevated train just before he climbs the Empire State Building. (The film was later edited down to 11 reels, keeping the train scene but losing many jungle scenes using prehistoric creatures that had been recycled from Creation, O’Brien’s unfinished dinosaur film.)

  PART XII: KONG-SPLOITATION

  Like every other classic Hollywood movie monster, King Kong was the inspiration for dozens of sequels and imitations—most of them terrible—over the next 60 years. Here are some of the real stinkers:

  Son of Kong (1933)

  Carl Denham returns to Skull Island and finds Kong’s albino son trapped in quicksand. He rescues the young ape, and it becomes his protector for the rest of the film. The film did modestly well in the United States, but was much more successful overseas…particularly in Malaysia, the area where King King and son were supposedly captured.

  The Ape Man (1943)

  When horror films went out of vogue in 1935, Bela Lugosi found himself out of work. When they came back in 1939, Lugosi was so desperate that he took any job that came along…including this one. In the film, he plays a mad scientist-turned-ape as a result of “attempting to harness the physical power of apes for man.” One critic called it “a prime example of the kind of film that destroyed Lugosi’s career.”

  White Pongo (1945)

  A.k.a. Blonde Gorilla (but not to be confused with White Gorilla, which was filmed two years later using the same costume). An undercover cop joins explorers in the search for a white gorilla that just may be the missing link. The Video Movie Guide says: “Reverently referred to by fans of genre films as the worst of all crazed-gorilla-missing-link jungle movies.”

  Q: What part of your body has the most sweat glands? A: Your feet.

  Nabonga (1944)

  Julie London plays a grown woman who’s lived in the jungle since surviving a plane crash as a young girl. The kind ape Nabonga protects her from the other jungle beasts. Later, Nabonga teams up with Buster Crabbe to protect London from evil treasure seekers.

  Konga (1961)

  Originally titled I Was a Teenage King Kong. A mad professor invents a growth serum that turns Venus flytraps into people-eating monster plants…and injects some of the stuff into his pet chimp, Konga, turning him into a giant killer ape.

  King Kong vs. Godzilla (1963)

  Two of the world’s all-time great monsters meet for what was billed as “the cosmic clash of all time.” It began as King Kong vs. Frankenstein, a film proposed by Willis O’Brien. He couldn’t get financing in the U.S., so he took it to Japan…where they turned it into a Godzilla flick. The plot: Godzilla chows down on a nuclear submarine and heads for Japan. Meanwhile, on a nearby island, an ape eats some weird berries and grows into King Kong. The two monsters fight on Mt. Fuji, and the ape wins.

  King Kong Escapes (1968)

  Another Japanese Kong film. This time King Kong battles Gorosaurus, “a relative of Godzilla,” and Mechanikong, a robot replica of himself.

  A•P•E (1976)

  A low-budget Korean Kong rip-off, complete with rubber snakes, a big naugahyde gorilla paw for the blonde to sit in, “a stuntman in a moth-eaten monkey suit,” and ads that read, “Not to be confused with King Kong.” Film critic John Stanley calls it “not very O•R•I•G•I•N•A•L,” but there is one redeeming moment: when “A•P•E” is being chased by soldiers, he gives them the finger.

  The largest country in Africa is the Sudan.

  LOOKING FORWARD, LOOKING BACK

  This article is actually a speech given by Apple Computer guru Guy Kawasaki to a graduating high school class in Palo Alto, California. It was reprinted in a local magazine in Ashland…and Mrs. Uncle John liked it so much that she cut it out and put it on the refrigerator. For a month, everyone who saw it commented on how much they enjoyed it…And finally, Uncle John realized that if even grown-ups liked it that much, it must be worth reprinting. Guy kindly gave us his permission—and here it is.

  Speaking to you today marks a milestone in my life. I am 40 years old. Twenty-two years ago, when I was in your seat, I never, ever thought I would be 40 years old.

  The implications of being your speaker frightens me. For one thing, when a 40-year-old geezer spoke at my baccalaureate ceremony, he was about the last person I’d believe. I have no intention of giving you the boring speech that you are dreading. This speech will be short, sweet, and not boring.

  I am going to talk about hindsights today. Hindsights that I’ve accumulated in the 20 years from where you are to where I am. Don’t blindly believe me. Don’t take what I say as “truth.” Just listen. Perhaps my experience can help you out a tiny bit. I will present them ala David Letterman. Yes, 40-year-old people can still stay up past eleven.

  RULE #10: Live off your parents as long as possible.

  When I spoke at this ceremony two years ago, this was the most popular hindsight—except from the point of view of the parents. Thus, I knew I was on the right track.

  I was a diligent Oriental in high school and college. I took college-level classes and earned college-level credits. I rushed through college in three and a half years. I never traveled or took time off because I thought it wouldn’t prepare me for work and it would delay my graduation.

  Frankly, I blew it.

  You are going to work the rest of your lives, so don’t be in a rush to start. Stretch out your college education. Now is the time to suck life into your lungs—before you have a mortgage, kids, and car payments.

  Message for Uncle Giant: An elephant grows six sets of teeth in its lifetime Biggest French-speaking city: Paris. 2nd-biggest: Montreal.

  Take whole semesters off to travel overseas. Take jobs and internships that pay less money or no money. Investigate your passions on your parent’s nickel. Or dime. Or quarter. Or dollar. Your goal should be to extend college to at least six years.

  Delay, as long as possible, the inevitable entry into the workplace and a lifetime of servitude to bozos who know less than you do, but who make more money. Also, you shouldn’t deprive your parents of the pleasure of supporting you.

  RULE #9: Pursue joy, not happiness.

  This is probably the hardest lesson of all to learn. It probably seems to you that the goal in life is to be “happy.” Oh, you maybe have to sacrifice and study and work hard, but, by and large, happiness should be predictable.

  Nice house. Nice car. Nice material things.

  Take my word for it, happiness, is temporary and fleeting. Joy, by contrast, is unpredictable. It comes from pursuing interests and passions that do not obviously result in happiness.

  Pursuing joy, not happiness will translate into one thing over the next few years for you: Study what you love. This may also not be popular with parents. When I went to college, I was “marketing driven.” It’s also an Oriental thing.

  I looked at what fields had the greatest job
opportunities and prepared myself for them. This was brain-dead. There are so many ways to make a living in the world, it doesn’t matter that you’ve taken all the “right” courses. I don’t think one person on the original Macintosh team had a classic computer science degree.

  You parents have a responsibility in this area. Don’t force your kids to follow in your footsteps or to live your dreams. My father was a senator in Hawaii. His dream was to be a lawyer, but he only had a high school education. He wanted me to be a lawyer.

  For him, I went to law school. For me, I quit after two weeks. I view this as a terrific validation of my inherent intelligence.

  Biggest French-speaking city: Paris. 2nd-biggest: Montreal.

  RULE #8: Challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

  One of the biggest mistakes you can make in life is to accept the known and resist the unknown. You should, in fact, do exactly the opposite: challenge the known and embrace the unknown.

  Let me tell you a short story about ice. In the late 1800s, there was a thriving ice industry in the Northeast. Companies would cut blocks of ice from frozen lakes and ponds and sell them around the world. The largest single shipment was 200 tons that was shipped to India. One hundred tons got there unmelted, but this was enough to make a profit.

  These ice harvesters, however, were put out of business by companies that invented mechanical ice makers. It was no longer necessary to cut and ship ice because companies could make it in any city during any season.

  These ice makers, however, were put out of business by refrigerator companies. If it was convenient to make ice at a manufacturing plant, imagine how much better it was to make ice and create cold storage in everyone’s home.

  You would think that the ice harvesters would see the advantages of ice making and adopt this technology. However, all they could think about was the known: better saws, better storage, better transportation.

  Then you would think that the ice makers would see the advantages of refrigerators and adopt this technology. The truth is that the ice harvesters couldn’t embrace the unknown and jump their curve to the next curve.

  Challenge the known and embrace the unknown, or you’ll be like the ice harvesters and ice makers.

  RULE #7: Learn to speak a foreign language, play a musical instrument, and play non-contact sports.

  Learn a foreign language. I studied Latin in high school because I thought it would help me increase my vocabulary. It did, but trust me when I tell you it’s very difficult to have a conversation in Latin today other than at the Vatican. And despite all my efforts, the Pope has yet to call for my advice.

  Learn to play a musical instrument. My only connection to music today is that I was named after Guy Lombardo. Trust me: It’s better than being named after Guy’s brother, Carmen. Playing a musical instrument could be with me now and stay with me forever. Instead, I have to buy CDs at Tower.

  There are 602 rooms in Buckingham Palace.

  I played football. I loved football. Football is macho. I was a middle linebacker—arguably, one of the most macho positions in a macho game. But you should also learn to play a non-contact sport like basketball or tennis. That is, a sport you can play when you’re over the hill.

  It will be as difficult when you’re 40 to get twenty-two guys together in a stadium to play football as it is to have a conversation in Latin, but all the people who wore cute, white tennis outfits can still play tennis. And all the macho football players are sitting around watching television and drinking beer.

  RULE #6: Continue to learn.

  Learning is a process, not an event. I thought learning would be over when I got my degree. It’s not true. You should never stop learning. Indeed, it gets easier to learn once you’re out of school because it’s easier to see the relevance of why you need to learn.

  You’re learning in a structured, dedicated environment right now. On your parents’ nickel. But don’t confuse school and learning. You can go to school and not learn a thing. You can also learn a tremendous amount without school.

  RULES #5: Learn to like yourself or change yourself until you can like yourself.

  I know a 40-year-old woman who was a drug addict. She is a mother of three. She traced the start of her drug addiction to smoking dope in high school.

  I’m not going to lecture you about not taking drugs. Hey, I smoked dope in high school. Unlike Bill Clinton, I inhaled. Also unlike Bill Clinton, I exhaled.

  This woman told me that she started taking drugs because she hated herself when she was sober. She did not like drugs as much as she hated herself. Drugs were not the cause, though she thought they were the solution.

  She turned her life around only after she realized that she was in a downward spiral. Fix your problem. Fix your life. Then you won’t need to take drugs. Drugs are neither the solution nor the problem.

  The average female mannequin is 8 feet tall. The average woman is 5 feet, 4 inches tall.

  Frankly, smoking, drugs, alcohol—and using an IBM PC—are signs of stupidity. End of discussion.

  RULE #4: Don’t get married too soon.

  I got married when I was 32. That’s about the right age. Until you’re about that age, you may not know who you are. You also may not know who you’re marrying.

  I don’t know one person who got married too late. I know many people who got married too young. If you do decide to get married, just keep in mind that you need to accept the person for what he or she is right now.

  RULE #3: Play to win and win to play.

  Playing to win is one of the finest things you can do. It enables you to fulfill your potential. It enables you to improve the world and, conveniently, develop high expectations for everyone else too.

  And what if you lose? Just make sure you lose while trying something grand. Avinash Dixit, an economics professor at Princeton, and Barry Nalebuff, an economics and management professor at the Yale School of Organization and Management, say it this way: “If you are going to fail, you might as well fail at a difficult task. Failure causes others to downgrade their expectations of you in the future. The seriousness of this problem depends on what you attempt.”

  In its purest form, winning becomes a means, not an end, to improve yourself and your competition.

  Winning is also a means to play again. The unexamined life may not be worth living, but the unlived life is not worth examining. The rewards of winning—money, power, satisfaction, and self-confidence—should not be squandered.

  Thus, in addition to playing to win, you have a second, more important obligation: To compete again to the depth and breadth and height that your soul can reach. Ultimately, your greatest competition is yourself.

  Double-speak: President Clinton once called a proposed new tax a “wage-based premium.”

  RULE #2: Obey the absolutes.

  Playing to win, however, does not mean playing dirty. As you grow older and older, you will find that things change from absolute to relative. When you were very young, it was absolutely wrong to lie, cheat, or steal. As you get older, and particularly when you enter the workforce, you will be tempted by the “system” to think in relative terms. “I made more money.” “I have a nicer car.” “I went on a better vacation.”

  Worse, “I didn’t cheat as much on my taxes as my partner.” “I just have a few drinks. I don’t take cocaine.” “I don’t pad my expense reports as much as others.”

  This is completely wrong. Preserve and obey the absolutes as much as you can. If you never lie, cheat, or steal, you will never have to remember who you lied to, how you cheated, and what you stole.

  There absolutely are absolute rights and wrongs.

  RULE #1: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone.

  This is the most important hindsight. It doesn’t need much explanation. I’ll just repeat it: Enjoy your family and friends before they are gone. Nothing—not money, power, or fame—can replace your family and friends or bring them back once they are gone. Our greatest joy
has been our baby, and I predict that children will bring you the greatest joy in your lives—especially if they graduate from college in four years.

  And now, I’m going to give you one extra hindsight because I’ve probably cost your parents thousands of dollars today. It’s something that I hate to admit, too.

  By and large, the older you get, the more you’re going to realize that your parents were right. More and more—until finally, you become your parents. I know you’re all saying, “Yeah, right.” Mark my words.

  Remember these ten things: If just one of them helps just one of you, this speech will have been a success.

  Number of ice cubes the average American puts in a glass: 3.2: According to research, you’ll blow your nose about 250 times this year.

  THE ANATOMY OF LAUGHTER

  And you thought reading the funny stuff we put in the Bathroom Reader was just a way to kill time. Well, it’s not—while you’re giggling at Uncle John’s prose, you’re actually getting some exercise and improving your health. Don’t believe it? Here’s proof.

  HARDEE HAR BAR

  Even after centuries of scientific research, no one knows for sure why human beings (plus a few other primates, including chimpanzees, apes, and orangutans) laugh.

  People have ideas, though.

  “A 2-pound turkey and a 50-pound cranberry— that’s Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.”

  —Johnny Carson

  • Charles Darwin speculated that laughter, which begins in infants as young as three months old, served as an evolutionary “reward” to parental care-giving. Laughter in infants sounded and felt so different from crying, he believed, that even prehistoric parents must have interpreted it as a sign of well-being, kind of like the purring of a kitten. The parents enjoyed the laughter, which encouraged them to continue caring for the child.

  • Sigmund Freud believed (of course) that laughter was closely intertwined with lust.