Cliché

by Ryleigh Sloan

  Dr. Baker’s rooms were light and spacious and didn’t look at all like I imagined. I can’t say if I expected the walls to be covered with pics of babies or pregnant women or what, but the man was a fertility specialist and I guess an ovary or two wasn’t a lot to expect. Not that I was complaining, and I much preferred the portraits of lion and cheetah cubs on the wall.

  We checked in with Liz, the receptionist, her sandy brown hair in a neat shoulder-length bob that suited her long face. Perhaps my nerves were showing because she smiled reassuringly at me when she handed me the new patient forms and apologised for Dr. Baker running late.

  “He’s always late,” Kim announced as I took a seat next to her. She said it with resolve, not irritation, which wasn’t typical of Kim’s nature. Three other couples were seated and waiting, the women all looked to be about as far along as each other and all looked days away from giving birth. I just hoped they’d keep their babies in until I was done with my appointment. I just wanted it over and done with already.

  I filled out the form and handed it back to Liz, then took my seat again. On reflex, I picked up my phone to scroll through Facebook but realised just in time what I was doing. Kevin and Hayley were hot news right now and had been for a while but lately it seemed like every other post on my newsfeed had something to do with Hollywood’s hottest celebrity couple. Photos of them leaving restaurants and parties, Kevin’s hand possessively resting on Hayley’s lower back, were on every form of media imaginable. But it was the pics of them playing ten-pin bowling that started my social media embargo.

  They were amateur pics taken by a fan and the casual intimacy of the scene hit me like an arrow to the gut. All the other pics I could justify as staged. Kevin knew the media would be around, so I told myself every action was planned. The ten-pin pics were different that way. It was just a couple of friends, or a couple out for a fun night. The images were on the post in sequence of events. Hayley aiming her ball, the pins dropping and giving her a strike. Her happy dance and then the hug. The one that showed Kevin with his arms around Hayley and the smile beaming across her face. Those weren’t staged and were the reason I made a concerted effort to stay away from social media. I didn’t need a reminder of how worlds apart we were, and I wasn’t only talking in terms of the globe.

  I searched through the magazines, putting the wedding and baby ones with loving couples right at the bottom of the pile. I also gave the tabloid ones a miss. That would be as bad as scrolling through Facebook at the moment. I guaranteed there would be a pic of Kevin in every single one of them. I decided on a Healthy Living magazine with a picture of Bennet Sky on the cover. Aside from a piece on how she handled depression while being in the spotlight and a very strange article about talking to one’s vagina in order to get in tune with your orgasms, the rest of the magazine was advertisements for lipstick and shoes.

  Bored to extremes, I placed the magazine on the pile that Kim had sorted corner to corner, side to side, and tried not to think of what this appointment was going to entail. A couple came out of the room and I got my first look at Dr. Baker. He was tall, about six foot three, with white hair and piercing blue eyes that hinted at a sense of humour.

  Dr. Baker retreated with another couple and the wait continued. Finally, it was my turn and I couldn’t say if I was relieved or not. He shook my hand and introduced himself before offering me a seat and taking his own. I could feel the nervous energy pulsing off Kim and wasn’t sure who was more on edge.

  “So, Claire, Kim tells me you’ve agreed to be a surrogate for her, is that right?” He opened a file and started scribbling my name on the top of the sheet.

  “That’s correct.”

  “That’s a cool thing to do.”

  That’s a cool thing to do? Dr. Baker looked to be close to retirement age. I expected aloof politeness but his laidback manner immediately put me at ease.

  “How old are you, Claire?”

  “I’m twenty-seven.”

  He made a note on his pad and asked all the standard questions my gynae asked me every year at my check-up. Date of last period, do I get cramps, am I on the pill. I had been on the pill but stopped taking it the day I left LA. The day I left Kevin. Dammit, could I just get through ten minutes without thinking about him.

  “I’m sure Kim explained the process to you but I’ll just run through it again quickly.” Dr. Baker placed his pen down on his desk, perpendicular to the edge of the file. I wondered briefly if the doctor’s OCD tendencies was one of the reasons Kim chose him.

  I intertwined my fingers and laid them on my lap.

  “Firstly, I’m going to run some tests. We’ll check you out and make sure you’re healthy and have a nice motel for the baby to camp out in. I’ll send you for bloodwork and if all that comes back hunky dory, we’ll send you for a psych-eval.”

  “I’ve already been to the psychologist, I have the report.” I reached into my bag and pulled out the letter from Dr. Randell. “Turns out my level of crazy is acceptable.”

  The corner of Dr. Baker’s lips turned up in an amused smile, confirming my evaluation of his sense of humour to be accurate. I was going to like this guy, I could tell.

  “Cool, that should speed up the process. Do you have any questions you’d like to ask, Claire?”

  “Not at this moment.” As much as answers would go a long way to alleviating my concerns, it was probably best to wait and see what came from today’s exam.

  “In that case…” He stood and walked round the desk, opening the door to the adjacent room and indicating for me to step inside. Kim made to follow me but I shook my head.

  Looking hurt, she asked, “Don’t you want me to come in?”

  Uh, no. There was a limit to how many people got to see my intimate parts and Kim wasn’t cracking the nod. It’s bad enough a total stranger, who after this baby I’d likely never see again, was going to see my bits.

  Dr. Baker very diplomatically convinced Kim to wait in his room, then turned to me. “I’ll give you some time to undress.” The door closed and I looked around the room. To the right stood the examination bed with the ultrasound machine setup next to it. To the left was cupboards and a work station with a UV station for sterilizing his speculums. I turned away from the stainless-steel torture tools and moved to the chair to get undressed.

  It was then I realised how many layers of clothing I was wearing. Of course, I’d chosen today to dress in the most difficult outfit to get out of. I had on skinny jeans and strappy sandals with the tiniest buckles that took ages to undo. When I unzipped my jeans to slide them down my legs, the struggle became real as the fabric settled around my ankles and I had to do the one-legged hop-dance to try get them off. Next came the loose shirt over my fitted tank and I swear I’d never taken this long to get undressed in my life. Finally, I was just in my underwear which thankfully didn’t take as long as the rest of my clothes to get out of.

  Dr. Baker likely thought the full-length mirror against the wall was a nice touch for when you were getting dressed but it only served to remind me that in moments he was going to walk in and see me bare assed if I didn’t hurry the hell up.

  I threw the pale blue gown over my naked body and hopped on the bed, grateful that at least I was semi-clothed for when he entered the room. I lay on the pillow and noticed the bed didn’t have stirrups. Thank you, God. This fact allowed me to relax marginally. To distract myself, I stared at the painting of a maze on the wall ahead of me, in its centre stood a sculpture of a ballerina performing an arabesque. It was beautiful.

  The door opened and Dr. Baker came in, snapping on some gloves without a word as he walked to the foot of the bed. Apparently we were going to get right to it.

  “I’m just going to take a quick peek here, okay?” I nodded and then he turned on a lamp. A frikkin lamp, like a reading lamp, except I’m positive you could see the glow from outer space. In all the years I’d been going for my check-ups, never once did my gynae aim a spotlight at my bits.


  “Looks great,” he commented and reached for the gel.

  “Thanks.” Volcanic heat spread over my entire body. Dr. Baker chuckled lightly and I wanted to die. Who the hell thanks a gynaecologist for confirming their bits are healthy? Dear God, end me now. The rest of the exam went by in a blur. When Dr. Baker did the transvaginal scan, he pointed out my uterus and ovaries on the screen, all the while commenting on how everything looked good. I managed not to thank him those times.

  When he was done, he handed me some paper towels to clean the gel up with and I realised my mortification was not yet over. While he faffed and fiddled with his equipment I stayed on the bed with the paper towels in my hand. I wasn’t sure if I was supposed to start cleaning myself up while he was in the room or not, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Sure, there wasn’t an area of me that the good doctor hadn’t examined thoroughly, but still…

  I awkwardly sat on the bed, waiting for him to finish up what he was doing and then leave. Dr. Baker, of course, was carrying on all ops normal (which I suppose for him it was) but this was not ops normal for me. After what felt like years, he left me to it and I cleaned up and got dressed. I was so blotchy from mortification and suddenly wished I’d arrived in a turtleneck.

  I entered his office and Kim looked hopeful as I took my seat again.

  “Well, Claire,” Dr. Baker began, “you’re the picture of health. As it stands now, I’m confident we’ll be good to go. Once you leave here, you can go get the blood tests done and if all that comes back clear, we can proceed. I usually like to wait a month or two to track your ovulation cycle but since I have absolutely no concerns, I don’t see why we can’t get started. You’re set to ovulate over the next five or six days so I’d like to see you on Sunday so we can see how your egg is developing.”

  Kim looked like she could levitate she was so excited. I was still suffering residual mortification and was a bit overwhelmed, but I didn’t miss that he was prepared to come in on a Sunday to track my ovulation process. This guy must really love his job.

  “Um, what does my ovulating have to do with anything? We’re not even using my egg.”

  Dr. Baker leaned back in his seat and clasped his fingers together. I noted the ring finger on his left hand was slightly bent, as though he’d broken it at one point or the other. By the cricket paraphernalia in his office I’d bet my next pay cheque it was a cricket accident.

  “It’s best if your body “feels,” he used air quotes, “that you are conceiving naturally. If you ovulate a few days before we implant the embryo, there’s a greater chance the IVF will take.”

  I nodded. “Got it.”

  “Anything else?”

  “No, I’m good for now.” Kim had been silent the entire time. I think it was all sinking in for her that this was a possibility. I, on the other hand, was suddenly feeling the weight of pressure. This was all up to me now.

  Dr. Baker stood. “Go home and get a list of questions together for Sunday. You’re about to hand your body over to someone else’s baby. I’d like you to think long and hard about this over the next few days.” He spared Kim a brief glance then looked back at me. “This isn’t just housesitting a puppy for a weekend. This is a big deal.”

  Kim looked about to burst into tears. “I appreciate your concern, I really do, but I know what I’m doing. I won’t change my mind. I made a commitment to my sister.”

  Things had been a little better between me and Kim. Our relationship was far from easy, but I could see she’d been making an effort since I returned from the States and told her I’d carry her baby. Gran had cautioned me to think long and hard about my decision, especially since my relationship with Kim wasn’t the best, but knowing what it was like to want something I could never have helped me understand what she was going through. And while I wished Kim was an easier person to get along with, I could appreciate her struggle with infertility was partly responsible for how closed off she was.

  Dr. Baker beamed at me and opened the door. Kim and I gathered our purses and stood. “See you Sunday, Claire.”

  “Looking forward to it.”

  Chapter Twenty-Two

  I stared outside the window of the MedFem Clinic’s waiting room instead of resting on the bed like the orderly advised. Something about lying on a hospital bed when I was perfectly well didn’t sit right with me, plus I was too wound up to stay still for more than a few moments. I reached into the pocket of my jeans and took out my ChapStick, swiping it over my dry lips, enjoying a few minutes peace from Kim’s nervous babbling. I’d asked Kim and Adam to go down to the restaurant to get me a Chai tea, which I didn’t think I’d actually drink since my bladder was already full, and I was beginning to get uncomfortable. Dr. Baker had told me that I needed a full bladder for the procedure. He’d explained why, but I had been too distracted to pay much attention. Regardless of the reason, I’d been drinking water for the last twenty minutes.

  I watched hopeful couples walk briskly in and out of the clinic, all with the same purpose of trying to fulfil their dreams of starting a family. Some would succeed and some not, and only now did I fully appreciate the guts it took to go through the process. My phone rang and I realised I’d forgotten to silence it. I walked over to the bedside cabinet and picked it up, my breath catching at the image on the screen. Kevin’s smiling face stared back at me, making the ache I’d managed to turn into numbness reignite. I exhaled a long breath and answered.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Claire.” He sounded relieved, like he hadn’t actually expected me to answer and I fought back the tears when his voice shaky and uncertain came through the line.

  I perched on the edge of the bed in case my legs decided to give way. The silence was heavy for long moments and then Kevin spoke again.

  “I…I hope this is okay. I just needed to hear your voice.”

  I remained silent while I wracked my brain for something to say other than I missed him with everything that I was.

  “I’ve missed you.” His words echoing what I couldn’t say turned the ache into full-blown pain.

  “I—”

  “Can we just talk? Can we just try?”

  Squeezing my eyes shut, I prayed that my emotions wouldn’t betray me and I’d get through this conversation without tears.

  “Kev, I—”

  “Please, Claire, can we just try?” he repeated.

  I pinched the bridge of my nose, my heart warring with my head and I stifled a sigh. “Nothing is going to change.”

  “I know. I get it. I . . . I just want my best friend back.”

  Kim walked through the door with my tea in hand, followed by Adam and a short nurse with salt-and-pepper hair and a friendly smile. They all hesitated when they saw I was on the phone but I waved them in.

  “I’m sorry. I’ve got to go. I can’t talk right now, it’s not a good time.” I hated that he was probably thinking I was blowing him off but I couldn’t keep them waiting.

  “Sure.” He sounded defeated and regret ate at me. “I’m here when you’re ready.”

  I wanted so badly to tell him what was happening and to have him reassure me in the way only Kevin could. But I couldn’t talk to him about this. It had been weeks since we last spoke and I couldn’t offload on him, but hearing his voice made me realise how empty my life was without him and I suddenly didn’t want space anymore. I wanted Kevin in my life, even if it was only a small piece of him.

  “Is it okay if I call you later?” I asked.

  “Of course. I’m not on set today so anytime is good for me.” I heard the smile in his voice and found myself returning his smile with one of my own. A voice at the back of my mind nagged me to be careful, warned me that I could be opening myself up for more pain but I slammed the door shut on the thought and allowed myself a moment of peace. A moment to hope.

  “Sure, okay.”

  Kevin blew out a long breath. “Thank you.”

  I ended the call and turned to see three pairs
of eyes on me. Adam had been watching me as though I was ready to bolt for the door since we arrived, Kim looked like she had a million questions but for once kept them to herself, and the nurse just watched me with professional concern since I probably looked like I was choking back emotions I didn’t have time to dwell on right now.

  The nurse crossed the room and held out her hand. “Hello, Claire, I’m Davina. I’ll be in the procedure room with you this mornin’. Dr. Baker would have already gone over the procedure with you, but do you have any questions?” Her lilting Scottish brogue was all business but her eyes were kind. I shook my head as I reached for the gown she handed me.

  “If you can put this on we’ll take you to the procedure room. Who’s all comin’ in with you?” She looked from Adam to Kim then back to me.

  “It’ll just be me,” Kim answered.

  “Are you sure?” I faced Adam. “I don’t mind if you come too. It’s a big moment.”

  Adam raised his hands like he was facing a firing squad and shook his head vehemently. “That’s quite alright. I’ll wait down in Wiesenhof.” And as if to make sure no one was going to physically make him, he gave Kim a kiss on her forehead and walked out of the room. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t relieved.

  Davina indicated to the bathroom so I could change. “Remember, we need your bladder nice and full.” The mention of my bladder made me aware of how uncomfortable I was. I hustled to get changed so we could get the procedure over with.

  Through the closed door I heard Kim ask Davina why I needed a full bladder. I’d long since given up on being embarrassed by Kim asking questions about my body and its functions and since I’d been too distracted to ask the question myself I listened for Davina’s response.

  “A full bladder changes the shape of the uterus which gives the doctor easier access,” Davina explained.