Cliché

by Ryleigh Sloan

  Adam was away on business and couldn’t be here for Kim, which left me as her sole means of support. Besides me telling Alison, we hadn’t told anyone that I was doing this because Kim didn’t want the added pressure of having the family’s expectations to deal with. I could completely understand and appreciated the sentiment. I was putting enough pressure on myself without feeling the weight of the whole family’s disappointment if the IVF didn’t take—hence the game of chase the pee. At least this way I’d have time to process whatever the result was before I had to face Kim.

  Because I’m me and wanted to be extra sure the result was accurate, I took three tests. By the third one I didn’t feel like I was failing life anymore and had my aim down pat. Feeling proud of myself for achieving something that thousands of women likely had no trouble with, I lined up the tests on the vanity and washed my hands. Blowing out a long breath, I leaned on the sink, trying to get the dragonflies duelling in my belly to settle down. The next two minutes felt like an eternity. I refused to look at the tests, so instead I looked at the time on my phone in ten second increments. Let me tell you, this was not helping to make the time go any faster.

  Finally, the two minutes were up and placing the lid of the toilet down I reached for the first test and then closed my eyes, suddenly feeling the reality of the situation. Whatever result showed on the tiny window would no doubt change my life and the life of my sister indefinitely, obviously more so Kim’s but I knew either result would impact my life going forward too.

  While moments before I’d been impatiently counting down the seconds, I was now stalling. Normally an optimistic person, I was realistic enough to know that the odds of IVF taking on the first try were slim at best. I told myself I’d count back from ten and when I got to one, I needed to have my big girl panties on and deal with whatever the outcome was. I counted back slowly and finally I opened my eyes.

  Two bold pink lines stood proudly against the white background. Bright pink lines that left no doubt whatsoever but I looked at the other two tests just to be sure. All three showed the same result. I placed the test I was holding onto my lap and stared at the window for an immeasurable amount of time. Tears silently tracking down my cheeks.

  Oh my God, it worked!

  Over the last twenty-six days, I’d fantasised about how I’d feel when I found out I was pregnant. Countless scenarios had played in my mind whenever I allowed myself to think about it, but my imagination hadn’t come close to how I felt in that moment. Relief overwhelmed me and there was no stemming the tears, so I let them fall, washing away the doubt I’d felt over the last couple of months.

  Through blurry eyes I looked at the tests all lined up on the bathroom cabinet like messengers of hope and I felt happy for the first time in months. And besides happy, I felt buoyant, like my feet were no longer encased in dried cement keeping me trapped in stagnant grief.

  I rinsed my face and touched up my mascara and lip gloss, then walked to the kitchen and placed one of the pregnancy tests in a long rectangular box usually used for gifting pendants. As I tied the bow, it occurred to me that it was kind of a gross gift to give a person but I was counting on Kim to see it for its sentimental value.

  A car horn sounded outside and I peeked my head out the window. Rolling my eyes at Kim’s impatience, I picked up my purse, shoved my phone and the gift into my bag, and headed out the door locking it behind me.

  “Hey.”

  Kim gave me a thin smile, the lines around her mouth hinted at her nerves, but it was her bleak pallor that gave away just how much strain she was under. I’d planned to give her the gift after we got the blood results but I couldn’t leave her this anxious. I turned in my seat. “I know you’re eager to get to the lab but can you just wait for a minute?” I expected Kim to sigh and complain before making a big production of turning off the car but she just let out a shaky breath and nodded.

  “Sure, do you need a minute, are you nervous?”

  Digging in my purse, I managed to hide my surprise at Kim asking about my welfare for a change. Kim’s burnt orange nails tapped nervously on the steering wheel while I fished the box out of my bag. “Before we go, I wanted to give you something.” My sister looked at me expectantly and for a second I nearly chickened out, nervous of how she’d react to me taking the test without her.

  Her brow raised as she fingered the pretty ribbon on the box.

  “Don’t just sit there, open it.” I smiled.

  Kim tugged gently on the bow and then lifted the lid. She stared at the contents for what felt longer than the two minutes I’d waited for the results but I knew it was shorter than that. Not a sound came out her mouth, her facial expression didn’t change. Zero reaction registered on her features at all. A sinking feeling hit me right in the gut and I scrapped my teeth over my lip. “I’m so sorry, Kim. I know you wanted to be the first to know but—”

  She reached across the seat and tugged me to her so hard it felt like I had whiplash. And then I felt the wracking sobs that came from a place so deep and so conflicted I couldn’t begin to imagine what she was going through. I held her as the sobs tore through her over and over as she held me tight and cried.

  I brushed a hand over her hair, murmuring sounds instead of the words I didn’t have. I let her cry until all that punctuated the silence were soft hiccups as she gasped in little breaths. I held her close as I felt her both grieve and celebrate. I held my sister, who was harder to penetrate than Alcatraz, and felt some, if not all, of her walls crack. I held her till the seat belt started cutting into my neck and I started getting a crick in my hip. I would have held her longer but Kim sat back, wiping her tears on the sleeve of her sweater, ignoring the mascara smudge on the pale blue wool. If surprises could kill a person, I wasn’t going to make it past the afternoon.

  Kim reached for my hand. “Claire…” I watched her struggle for words.

  “Don’t mention it.”

  “No, Claire…this…”

  “I mean it, don’t mention it.” I rubbed my belly holding my precious nephew or niece. “This means—” My throat constricted and I couldn’t get anything out. When the pressure was too much to bear, I released the tears I was fighting to hold back as Kim handed me a tissue from the middle console.

  “After the ‘official’ test I’ll take you shopping for maternity wear.”

  “Kim, I’m a bit far off from needing maternity clothes.” I wasn’t even a month pregnant.

  She clucked her tongue. “It’s best to be prepared for these things.”

  I knew better than to argue with Kim when she was on a mission. “Fine, but can we get something to eat first? I’m ravenous.” If the doctor didn’t need the bloods to test my hormone levels, I would’ve tried to convince Kim to skip the lab and go straight to lunch. “I could murder a plate of sushi right now.”

  I watched Kim struggle not to tell me that sushi was a no-no during pregnancy for a bit longer than was necessary then decided to put her out of misery. “I’m kidding, I’m kidding. I read the books. No sushi or biltong for another eight months. My push present better be frikkin amazing.”

  Kim laughed as she reversed out of my driveway. “Don’t push your luck.”

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  My phone rang and I looked at the screen. I hated the ball of anxiety churning in my belly when I saw Kevin’s name appear on the screen. I hated that I considered letting the call go to voicemail instead of picking it up, but more than that I hated having to force the cheerful tone into my voice when I answered.

  “Hi.”

  “Hey, Claire.” I hated that his voice was hesitant. I hated that the effortlessness was gone. I hated the distance that had nothing to do with geography.

  “Hey,” I repeated.

  “How’s your day going?

  “Fine…Good…Great… How was your night?” Wonderful, I’d used every adjective I could think of that in this moment was absolutely untrue.

  “It was good. Yeah good.”

>   “Oh good. Did you sleep well?” Shit, this conversation was moving along like a sloth in quicksand.

  “I did, thanks. Anything strange or wonderful happen?”

  My chest constricted. Such a simple question, one that Kevin had asked me every day for nearly a year when he’d first moved to America but the words, now so nostalgic, felt like papercuts to my heart. Everything that I wanted to tell him, both strange and wonderful, I couldn’t.

  I wanted to tell him that “my strange” was that I’d just found out the day before that I was pregnant with my sister’s baby. The “wonderful” was that I was getting to grow my own nephew or niece, an experience not very many people get and one I hadn’t realised would be such a privilege until I knew he was safely attached to my uterine wall.

  “Claire? You there?”

  I didn’t know I was crying until a warm drop landed on my hand. I tried to answer him but all that came out my mouth was a choking sob.

  “Claire? Shit! What’s wrong?”

  I tried to breathe and get myself under control. I tried to stop the tears. I tried to get a grip and push past this feeling so I could keep up the easy breezy act. If I could just keep it up for long enough, soon enough it wouldn’t be an act anymore. But the words that fell from my lips were the opposite of what my heart wanted but what I knew to be what it needed.

  “I can’t do this anymore.”

  “Can’t do what?”

  I hated that he was confused. I hated that I blindsided him with this. I hated that over the last month I’d given him the impression I could do this when it was tearing me up inside. And more than all that, I hated that I was just as blindsided by all this as he was.

  “This.” I drew in a shaky breath, needing to get the words out. “Us. Pretending that everything is okay when it is so far from okay I can’t take it.”

  “Claire, we just need time. Things are awkward but we need to get our rhythm back. Figure out our new dynamic.” I shook my head and although he couldn’t see it, he could feel it. “You’ve made up your mind again, right? I don’t get any say in this?” His bitter tone was like a slap.

  “I just can’t. I’m sorry.” More tears dripped onto the desk pad, leaving ink carnage in their wake.

  His silence was as final as a pronouncement of death.

  “I’m sorry, Kev.”

  “Me too.” The line went dead and I stared at the phone, regret smothering me.

  * * *

  A knock on my office door had me lifting my head from my blank screen. I’d been sitting there long enough for the tears on both my face and my desk pad to dry. Hiding my surprise at seeing Adam, I managed a weak smile in greeting.

  “Hello there, Claire.” He frowned when he realised he’d inadvertently rhymed and then cleared his throat.

  “Hi, Adam. Please come in,” I offered when it was clear he wasn’t going to move without an invitation and hoped it wasn’t obvious that I’d been crying.

  “Thank you.” He handed me a clear travel mug with what looked like green sludge in it. “This is from Kimberly. It’s Kale, spinach, beetroot, and probably a whole lot of other things you don’t want to know about.” I reached for the cup and he smiled apologetically. “You don’t have to drink it, she mentioned something about folic acid and iron being good for you and the baby right now. It’s your grandmother’s recipe.”

  Ah! Good ol’ Gran. She’d been sharing words of wisdom since we’d told her I was pregnant and now she was sharing recipes. I was pretty sure the prenatal vitamins I’d been taking ever since the IVF had that covered, but I smiled and took the cup from Adam, who looked like he was administering a lethal injection.

  “Thanks, that’s very sweet.”

  He cocked a brow and if I wasn’t so emotionally washed out I would have found his dubious expression comical. “She means well.”

  “She does,” I acknowledged while trying not to act like I was waiting for him to get to the point. Adam and I were never chatty. Perhaps he was waiting for me to try the drink despite him saying I didn’t need to. I took a sip so he could go back to Kim with a clear conscious.

  Mother of all things pond scum! The juice was pretty much like thick jelly in consistency and stuck to my teeth like fluff to Velcro. When I swallowed, I had to work my throat a few times before it actually went down. Adam’s fixed smile told me I hadn’t quite managed to school my face into the impassive mask I’d tried to accomplish. When the first sip I took didn’t seem to convince Adam, I went to take another, desperate to have my office to myself to try to process what just happened between me and Kevin.

  As I pressed the mug to my lips, Adam leaned across my desk and whipped it from my hand. I stared at him in surprise but he just shook his head and indicated to the chair. “May I?”

  I stifled a frown, puzzled by what Adam could want. “Of course.”

  Adam settled himself in the seat opposite my desk. Clinging to the cup he’d rescued me from, he cleared his throat again, looking very much how he’d looked when Kim had asked me to carry their baby. Suddenly I was feeling nervous. “Is everything okay?”

  “Yes, yes. Everything is perfectly fine. More than fine.” He paused and I waited for him to continue. “I uh…yesterday I was offered a promotion of sorts.”

  I was confused. This was good news, yet Adam looked like he was waiting to have root canal treatment. “That’s great news.” At least, I thought it was. I still wasn’t sure why he was telling me this.

  He nodded his head in agreement and then remained quiet. I tried to remind myself to be patient. It wasn’t Adam’s fault I was having a bad day.

  “Yes, my company is developing a new product line in Singapore and they want me to oversee the inception. I’ll be temporarily based in Singapore.”

  Adam was the South African Regional Manager of Cordons, a worldwide furniture retailer that catered to middle-class clientele. The company was incredibly successful due to their affordable but classy ranges.

  “You have a degree in Marketing, correct?”

  The question came from nowhere and I struggled to keep up with Adam. “I do.”

  “How would you feel about coming to Singapore for a couple of months to help me get things going? My company has given me carte blanche on hiring staff and I’d like you to be part of my team.”

  Cue the blinking. “Uh…I don’t have any real experience. You need someone who is established in their field for this. I—”

  He interrupted me. “Claire, with all due respect to your family, you pretty much run this company single handed—”

  I opened my mouth to disagree with him when he raised his hand and cut me off. “I know what I’m talking about. Your father may have shown you the ropes but of late he hasn’t been hands on to the degree he was a couple of years ago. As for Kim…well, just because I pander to my wife doesn’t mean I don’t know what’s going on, Claire. You handle the planning of the tours, you handle the flight schedules, and you do all the marketing for Addington Air. I could really use you on my team. It would mean a lot to your sister and if I’m honest, it would mean more to me.”

  I tried not to gape at him. In all the years he’d been married to my sister, I’d never seen him voice a difference of opinion, let alone be as forceful as he was now. I honestly didn’t know what to say. This had been a hell of a day and what he was proposing was ludicrous. I couldn’t up and leave to another country. What would my dad do? What about my life? But that was just it…what about my life? I didn’t have one. All I did currently was drag myself to work and drag myself home again—I’d blown off every girls’ night since getting back from the States.

  Adam stood, taking the sludge with him. “Think about it. It would be a temporary position for a couple of months; you could take a leave of absence.

  “When do you leave?”

  “In three months’ time. I need to set up things from this side first, so I’ll be going back and forth.”

  I pondered the possibilities. Three mont
hs was long enough to train Alison on the day-to-day stuff and like Adam said, Dad could get more involved again. I looked around my office at everything familiar. As long as I was surrounded with memories of my past with Kevin, I wouldn’t be able to move forward.

  “I’ll do it. I’ll come to Singapore.”

  He didn’t look at all surprised which made me wonder if I hadn’t given Adam as much credit as he deserved. He leaned across the desk and stuck out his hand. “Happy to have you on board.”

  I hoped to hell Adam couldn’t feel my sweaty palms. “Thank you.”

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  “How do you get that down?” Ian perched on my desk, a small patch of his blond hair sticking up on the one side like a rooster’s tail and his blue eyes sparkling despite his nose wrinkling in distaste.

  “Like this.” I dipped my knife into the jar of anchovy paste and slathered a layer thicker than the pizza crust on top of the cold cheese. Taking a bite, I closed my eyes, groaning in pleasure as the fishy taste combined with the leftover pizza hit my tongue. Other than the crazy cravings, I’d had it easy during my pregnancy. I didn’t get the dreaded morning sickness all the books predicted—which was a good thing considering how busy I was and the time constraints the pregnancy imposed.

  Since I couldn’t fly in my third trimester, we had just under three months to get all the marketing concepts and designs finalized and we were coming up to our deadline. Marketing an entirely different product line took time but that’s where me and the team Adam put together came in. Adam was very hands on, he oversaw just about everything with regards to the new products and I had developed a newfound respect for my brother-in-law. He may defer to Kim on all things personal but in the corporate environment he was a force to be reckoned with.