In My Mind

by Shaida Mehrban

  Steve was perfectly fine until that day when he left, so what did happen? Father left so that was enough to make him go into the dark, the black empty hole, the direction of the unknown and self-destruction. Father knows that he should never have left him, he feels guilty that he needed him even though his mother was always there. It just wasn’t the same, it wasn’t enough for Steve. A boy needs his father and it’s not the child’s fault if parents cannot make a go of their own marriage. He was to blame, he was the reason why she had talked less, he was the reason why Steve hated his mother, it was purely his fault. But today has taken another place, yesterday is no more, the jury reached a verdict of “guilty” of the death of Gabriella Valente. He is the reason Steve has to go to prison and there he will be assessed by the medical team and put into an appropriate establishment. A long, lengthy imprisonment for Steve.

  Mother’s head is not bone idle, either. Her thoughts are so muddled up because all of Steve’s childhood and adult life he spent hating Mother, she is also very much feeling the guilt today. The word Mother he forgot how to use and addressed her as her upstairs, almost as an object not a blood relative and now it was almost as if that man had released the young man that was hidden inside, so unleashed and free, not tamed or in captivity. He had been taken over by this inner demon, mental health demons, disturbances, bipolar or depression. Or maybe he is autistic or something more or less drastic that people don’t really want to talk about openly.

  How did it all go wrong in their happy, beautiful, small family life? Where and when and how are all the question marks that Mother had never thought about and what part did she play in today’s verdict? Or had she for years and years not faced up or taken responsibility as he was getting lost within himself over a long period? She did not help and knew nothing about how to reach out to him. She is to blame for his condition and how shameful, because for the first time in a long time, it was still the child who reached out and called his mother. She couldn’t do it or rather didn’t do it, she could not reach out to her son or help him as his mother.

  Evening has closed in, the flowers on the thick curtains are darker, lights try their best to glow but in spite of that, it is still dark inside and outside. The heating slowly simmers away, there is nothing on the stove today and the public house downstairs remains closed. Life has changed for the two occupants, Mr and Mrs Smith and more so for the third person who is not here anymore. He was always here but today for the very first time, he isn’t. He had never been on holiday since Father left. What kind of a life had the mother or his child had since he left both of them? Mother feels that if she was the reason why he had been suffering then why is it that she knew not of his state of mind? Or is it that the three of them had been suffering since Father’s departure and even before that perhaps? Had Mother turned her back to her only child who desperately wanted someone to reach out to him? Nevertheless, that time will not and cannot be revisited.

  Father goes into the kitchen and runs the cold tap. He doesn’t know why but he does. Slowly, his thoughts trickle just like the cold running tap. He knows that she, his wife, will be hungry. She never misses a meal and yet there’s probably never been a time that he is not thinking about who’s cooking or preparing for someone other than himself, she always cooked. The family meal is a habit really and yet today, she doesn’t have the heart or an inclination to think about putting food into her stomach, to feed herself when, who knows if her son will be fed today. Or will he be able to eat or stomach anything? His stomach is not as strong as Stephen’s but right now Father’s stomach is tied in knots.

  Today was heartbreaking for the parents but what about him, what about Steve? They understand but does Steve take this burden of a life in his stride or in his mind? Does he have a mental illness and were they both responsible for Steve and his condition? He often talked about speeches in his mind. Why is it that they never really understood what he was going through or were they themselves in the same state as him and is it actually too late for them all? The hopeless not even trying to help the helpless.

  Father gathers himself together a little by wiping away his wet eyes with the tea towel in his hand, it still smells of yesteryear’s fish. He wipes the ‘mum’ mug and throws Yorkshire tea bags into it and then looks for the ‘dad’ mug. Both haven’t been used in a long time, no chips or cracks or even a stain. He puts the teabags in with a spoonful of brown sugar lump. The kettle had boiled away quite a long time ago so he boils it once again and looks at the sugar lump, reminding himself that she never has sugar in her tea.

  The water in the kettle is racing, Father tips the clear liquid into the mugs. He puts brown sliced bread into the toaster while stirring the tea. He spreads Lurpak butter, slightly salted like him, over the toast. He reaches for the organic full fat milk in the fridge. He squeezes the teabags and throws them into the sink. Quietly, he takes it all to her where she’s been sitting for such a long time so very still.

  Father and Mother both hug the mugs and Father passes the toast and asks her to take it as she needs to eat. She reminds him that he’s the one who is diabetic, so he needs it more than her. There is a glimmer of hope in both of their smiles as they both sit down together to have tea and toast. They haven’t had tea and toast together in such a long time like this on the sofa together in years. It is not new but a treasured moment that had been lost through life, when and how they cannot recollect. Mother tells Father that he has lost a lot of weight since he left. He tells her that there was no one to look after him, care or attend to his needs or even care for him. She asks the question why didn’t he have anyone who could care for him, he should have found someone to fill the gap.

  “Find someone?”

  “Yes, you’ve been gone for years on end. I assumed that maybe, just maybe, even though a little unlikely, that you’ve found someone but you should have had someone who could attend to all your needs, to care for, to fill your empty gap.”

  “I was never interested in finding anyone for myself, not really. You were the only one I had and wanted and needed and I never wanted to replace what we have or what we had with another. It would be like killing the marriage that we had, all the memories, all the love that I have for you. I never thought of ever taking anyone. I wanted and needed only you and thought of no one else since I’ve left.”

  She interrupts his soft words, “But what was all that then that you were up to? You took the place on the bar nearly every night, you with your fancy friends and being the lord with the ladies and disappearing for such a long time with clients for hours. What was that all about? Wasn’t that the core of our problems? Now for the first time ever, we are talking about it, what was the real problem as you know it, Stephen?”

  “Mill, you should know that our problems were there way before I left, before I started wandering and wanting other people’s attention. It was lonely being me because you wanted me no more. You’re right, they can be excuses if you want, but that’s the truth, the honest truth. I have sinned, I know, but it was like living with my beautiful love, my gorgeous wife but somehow, she was changing and forgetting that I also lived here. I’m alive as well and I was alive and existing for you, but it was almost like I was living in isolation from my marriage. Husband and wife, yet empty, and I even put you first in place of Steve. I felt empty and unwanted, wasting away even though what I’d been doing cannot be excused.” His voice breaks as he takes a deep breath.

  “I do feel ashamed. In fact, so ashamed that I can’t even say sorry for the way I behaved. I was irresponsible but some responsibility lies with you, your temper and mood swings, at work and at home, were unbearable at times and I would’ve kept going if it weren’t for the fact that you were rejecting me for years before I did leave. You never truly laughed or smiled anymore, as if you were looking for a way out. I know you went through early menopause and women problems and I understand all of that but that was no reason for you to rej
ect me as the man, as your husband. I had no one else and you needed no one, but I did. I suppose that’s why this place and this work became my life and the customers became that too, almost like my second family but I say again, it’s no excuse for my bad behaviour.” Stephen rests his head in between his arms in shame.

  “Time has not waited for anyone or anything, Stephen, and it feels that we have wasted so much of our own marriage time but Steve has been the sorrow of our misgivings, we both have suffered in silence but he has suffered the brunt of it all. Our mistakes have become his sins for which he is paying a price that we can never afford, so where do we stand as a family?” They feel the pain in each other’s truth.

  The family is broken and the broken strings do not mend easily. Even Steve cannot play his tune on broken strings anymore. Steve’s life will not be easy from now on, so it seems, but then nor is Mother’s or Father’s life.

  “I am back and chose to come to face the music for both of you,” he tells her.

  Traumatic times for the family ahead, the parents both are in pain because they blame themselves but they are the ones to blame, for they can blame no one else. They have taken responsibility once again and have come to understand that they should have addressed their troubled marriage before. Mother’s tears are still falling even though it’s stopped outside. She sits and wonders why life had to serve her son a raw deal, why did life have to be like this and as she remembers how his tears kept flowing and then there’s Father, hopes and dreams and a head full of turbulence. Troubled waters are running along turbulent winds, for some it’s in the head, whereas others have it embedded in the heart.

  Somehow, they manage to smile with one another. It breaks the ice and not their relationship. Perhaps they just need one another more now than ever before and that maybe there might be a slight excuse or chance of a real need within them for one another. Needs are a necessity yet more recently, they’ve been ignored, perhaps both can meet their needs now, somehow. Something had to break at some point, something had to give and then be mended but this is not the way one had expected. They had become broken, three have become two, but it should never have ended like this.

  Steve’s life should not have halted to enable the two adults to reunite and live together. They both sit almost at peace and feeling guilty about the newfound understanding and conversation but at the cost of their son. That is hard for this family who had learnt to ignore the difficult times but not anymore, hopefully.

  ***

  Days go by with the emptiness just as much as before but they start to fill it with the restaurant and the public house which soon reopen and the manager taking care of the majority. Certain changes are naturally made, some things cannot be the same again. A cook is taken in to do the lunches and the evening orders, Mother helps and supervises the running of it all and spends her time in the bar, helping by talking to the customers and being beside Father.

  It is almost as if she has taken Steve’s shoes and put them onto her own feet. This show is not male dominated anymore, it seems to be a family led establishment. Mother is also in charge of the till at the end of the day, it is no longer Steve’s possession and even though the couple are spending a lot of time together, the emptiness is still there. It is almost as if both parents have lost their tongue with each other, like strangers, as if they are struggling to communicate with a language they aren’t familiar with or feel uneasy with.

  Days go by very slowly and then there seems a glimpse of light. The day has come when their solicitor has told them that they are finally allowed to go and see their son, Steve. That day has not come soon enough. They don’t want closure but need to be there for him as he needs them more now than ever before and right now, he is alone but they are not. They sit in the waiting room with many questions running through their minds and no answers, fearing the unknown.

  The legals walk along the corridor, all busy in a bustling place with stern looking faces and cold hearts. Their solicitor comes and sits beside them and tries to highlight the positives, the ifs and the buts and the future. Mother quietly interrupts him by saying that they are paying him, so she doesn’t want to hear the glorified version of anything but the truth, the here and now truth, without hiding behind a curtain or beating around the bush, no jargon, just what he can deliver.

  The legal representative, locally known as the solicitor, lawyers and barrister tell them that since Steve has been taken in, he has been in a room by himself to reflect on what has happened and his own state of mind and consequences. However, Steve has not been responsive and there is a doctor that talks to him daily to see if there can be a breakthrough in the matter. The doctor has concluded that there has been no influence into the behaviour of Steve or his mind and that was the reason why no one could visit so that assessments could be made thoroughly without any interference, prejudice or influence. The doctors have concluded that Steve should be allowed visitors under the human rights act and that it may also be beneficial to stabilise his condition.

  The only thing that can influence the thought process is Steve himself. There seems to be two people living within the one body of Steve. No diagnosis yet of schizophrenia, bipolar or any depressive suicidal condition but Steve has been diagnosed with severe depression so far and he will be transferred to a mental institution where he can get the proper help and guidance that he needs. Visitation rights will be applied as it may actually aid his recovery.

  Mother sits weeping as Father remains happy just with the thought of being able to at least see his son. He keeps smiling with relief and telling Mother that she has to be positive but she is quite oblivious to him right now as she’s been let down too often and life has a way of panning things out itself. The legal aids ask them to remain positive and not say too much because they don’t want to overexcite Steve.

  They quietly follow, this time hand-in-hand, with their damp eyes. She continuously wipes her tears away but Father does nothing to hide his pain. He keeps repeating to himself that all will be ok under his breath as they both walk along. Will they find their old Steve back? They have to remain strong for their own sanity, their well-being and for Steve’s sake because if they fall apart, he will too and he isn’t so far from the edge.

  The legal team waits whilst the security guards tap and open the door and they came face-to-face with Steve. He sits with an empty look in his eyes and a head full of thoughts and his vision, so far from where he is, to say the least. A man that they left who they knew. This looks like him yet seems like someone else.

  “What the hell have they done to you, Steve? You’ve lost so much weight, are they not feeding you, Son? I can’t believe it.” She touches his hands which lay flat on the table for all to see. They pull up a chair and place themselves close to him. He keeps his eyes on them both and seems quite unaware of the surroundings or the noise of this big room. Just as well, as it is quite noisy. Perhaps Steve, the man trapped within this body, cannot recollect the whereabouts of this new place that has become his new home but not his new life as Steve is not really living it himself at the moment.

  Mother’s tears cannot subside, her words are broken into many segments as she whispers quietly, “I cannot believe how thin you have become, Steve, what have they done to you, what have we put you through?”

  “Well, Son?” interrupts Steve’s father. “How are you today? You are looking well, Steve, under the circumstances. They have been treating you well, I hope. Don’t you worry now, we will get you out of here and home where you belong with us soon enough. This man here, you see, he will do all that is necessary to make sure that you can be back in charge of THE MAN’S INN in next to no time. You focus on getting better and leave the rest to this man. I beg your pardon, sir, it’s Mr Williams. As I said, Mr Williams will get you out of here and back home with your parents soon. We can be a proper family again, Steve, you will see and I won’t let you down again. We can be a fa
mily together again, just like the olden days. Now your mother is also with us in the bar so we will all work together. I mean it Steve, altogether, father, mother, and son.”

  Steve sits silently with a cold glazed look on his face and at certain intervals he manages to utter a few minimal words.

  “They are saying I killed my butterfly, but I never did,” Steve manages.

  Mr Williams reminds Father that talking to Steve may trigger something other than just that and to continue with the conversation as they’ve had no success getting much out of him here. Father asks Steve if he remembers anything from that court date or what followed after that. What has happened after that day, what he has been doing here, what he has eaten and he if he quite likes his food still, if he’s made any friends and if staff are friendly or not, is he doing many chores or watching television at all? Steve always watches car racing, formula one. He keeps asking Steve if he is being treated properly but no matter what the question, it is a one-way conversation.

  From time to time, he does manage to repeat his line of a few words. “They are saying I killed my butterfly, but I didn’t and she is not dead.”

  Mr Williams encourages Mother to reach out to her son as Father is having no luck. Maybe it will trigger something. Mother tries as well; mother or son cannot reach one another today even though she carries on trying hard to warm up the young man’s senses but Steve is unable to reach himself. Father knows that Steve needs help, desperate help, further help from the professionals, the doctors and the psychiatrist in the hospital.