Nerd Girl

by Lee, Sue

  I nodded emphatically. “Yes, I completely agree. I can only imagine the reaction of my co-workers if they knew about … any of this.”

  His face softened with relief.

  I liked his reference to “all of our meetings” and the “us” part. Did this imply that we would be seeing more of one other? Neither of us was addressing the elephant in the room. What exactly did this liaison of ours mean? Frankly, I didn’t really need to know right now. It was enough for me to know that he wanted to see me today. He’d thought about me, it seemed, just as much as I’d thought about him over these last several weeks, but there was certainly some danger in what we were starting here, whatever it was.

  The rumor mill.

  Could rumors hurt his career? Would other executives care who he was seeing? Even though I didn’t report into his chain of command, was there possibly some HR violation that I didn’t know about that said this sort of relationship was forbidden? I knew that it could certainly hurt my reputation. I would be accused of sleeping my way to the top, or having an unfair advantage of some sort. Whatever this was between Ryan and me, I came to the conclusion that it was best to keep this private. Apparently, he agreed.

  Ryan’s smooth voice interrupted my thoughts. “Are you hungry? It’s almost noon.”

  “Um, yeah, I am actually. I skipped breakfast this morning.”

  Ryan narrowed his eyes and gave me a disapproving look. “Then let’s go somewhere to eat.”

  “Okay.”

  “Do you have to be anywhere this afternoon?”

  “I have some dinner plans later this evening with my sister, Anna, and a friend of mine who’s visiting from London. But that’s not until seven,” I replied.

  “How would you feel about grabbing lunch somewhere downtown and going for a walk afterwards? It’s so nice out today.” He looked up at me sheepishly. “I don’t want to say goodbye to you yet.”

  I blinked in surprise, floored and flattered by his comment. “I don’t need convincing. I’d love to.”

  “Well, since you don’t have your car, I guess you’re riding with me. I can take you back to your car later this afternoon, though, so you don’t have to take the bus again.”

  “Really? That would be perfect, actually. Thank you,” I said appreciatively.

  “Good.” He grinned, making me want to reach out to touch those adorable dimples of his.

  Instead, I just I smiled back and packed up my laptop, excited to be spending the day with Ryan.

  The Pink Door always made me feel like I was in on a little secret. The entry to the restaurant was located in Post Alley Way, the famous quaint little alley in the middle of the bustling Pike Place Market. You won’t see a sign on the door, but it was implicit in the name because what you did see was a pink metal door.

  The interior of the restaurant was decorated in rustic Italian. Even with dark wood, velvet curtains, and chandeliers, it felt unpretentious. In the evenings, they featured a burlesque show, which I had never gone to before. On a warm summer day, the highlight was sitting out on the back terrace, shaded by a wooden trellis and looking out onto a glistening Elliott Bay. Sitting in unmatched chairs in front of floral tablecloths, I couldn’t think of any other place I would rather be than sipping red wine on the terrace with Ryan McGraw.

  We ordered the caprese salad as a shared entrée to start. There was something very intimate and couple-like about the act of sharing food. It made me feel like Ryan and I were on a date. Were we on a date? For lunch, he ordered the cioppino; I ordered minestrone soup and salad.

  “So, who did you go to Ray’s with last night?” Ryan asked. “Do I know them?”

  I nodded. “I went out with Mia Lee and Kyle Warren, and Mia’s boyfriend was there, too,” I said casually. “Kyle’s in your org and Mia is on same team as me.”

  “Yeah, I know Kyle. Good guy.” He nodded, but his eyes narrowed and his expression seemed to have darkened. “Is he your boyfriend?”

  Interesting reaction. Was he actually jealous of Kyle? “No,” I said. I took a sip of my wine, feeling like I needed to explain further. “He’s good buddies with Mia’s boyfriend. Kyle and I are just friends … coworkers. Actually, last night was the first time we’ve gone out together socially.”

  He seemed to relax a little after my explanation. “So, do you have a boyfriend?” he pressed.

  “Um, no, not presently.” I avoided his eyes and took a sip of my wine.

  “Really?” He sounded genuinely perplexed, like there was something wrong with me.

  “Yeah, really,” I muttered, now embarrassed. “Why are you so surprised?” I sounded more defensive than I intended.

  He blinked a few times. “I guess I just assumed someone like you would have a boyfriend.”

  I was feeling pretty self-conscious right about now. “Why?” I said, confused.

  “You have to ask?” he said, looking at me like he was trying to figure out a problem. When I didn’t answer, he added, “You’re really pretty, I’ve told you that before. And smart, and witty, and there’s something very disarming and honest about you. I’m just surprised, that’s all.”

  I couldn’t help blushing. In the summer afternoon light, I wasn’t able to hide my color, which probably made me blush even more.

  “You have no idea, do you?” He was grinning at me now, apparently amused by my reaction.

  “Me, disarming?” I replied, dumbfounded. “What about you and all of your honest proclamations today? That’s disarming. Like, right now.”

  “Sorry if I’m making you uncomfortable,” he apologized, his eyes lingering on my bare shoulders.

  “No, don’t be,” I said quietly. “It’s refreshing to have conversations with someone like this. I’m very flattered. Thank you. I don’t want you to ever filter your words just because you think they might ever make me uncomfortable.”

  “So, why aren’t you in a relationship?”

  I guess he wasn’t going to let it drop. Stalling for a little time to get my thoughts together, I took a bite of the caprese salad. The summer heirloom tomatoes were delicious and juicy; a little drop of juice fell onto my chin. Before I could wipe it away, Ryan was already dabbing my chin clean with his napkin.

  “Thank you,” I mumbled.

  “You’re welcome.”

  I knew he was waiting for me to answer his question. I giggled nervously and rolled my eyes. “You really want to hear about me and my ex-boyfriend?”

  “Yes, I do,” he said earnestly. “I want to learn more about you. I find everything about you extremely intriguing.” He took a bite of the salad, waiting patiently and showing off his white teeth and dimples. I was becoming powerless to resist his charms.

  I gulped. “There you go again with your honest, disarming proclamations.” I smiled. “Fine,” I gave in and let out a big sigh. “My last boyfriend broke up with me about four months ago. We had been together for a little over three years.” I then continued to summarize the gist of my relationship with Andrew and the reasons for our breakup.

  “Ouch. After three years, you guys broke up over the phone?” he asked incredulously.

  “Yup.” I contemplated in my head why I thought that was acceptable behavior at the time. “I couldn’t bear the idea of a long, drawn out discussion and tears, which is where it would’ve inevitably led. Unlike my sister, I’m not a drama queen. It was over. It had really been over for a while, I think. There was no point in discussing it further.”

  “You’re just so matter of fact about it, so sure it was over,” he said with a perplexed and questioning look in his eyes. “Is this the way you were with all of your past boyfriends?”

  “No. Well, maybe. I don’t know, I guess I never thought about it.” I shrugged. Come to think of it, maybe I had handled all of my relationships this way. I found his observation interesting, because there was some truth to it, but I had never explored or analyzed it before. That was something for me to ponder on for another day, though. “Well, at least wi
th Andrew and me, it wasn’t complicated. He didn’t want to be with me. He had found someone else. Nothing I could say was going to change that. Why draw it out longer than it needed to be? The faster I could work on getting over him, the better off I would be.”

  “Are you always this black and white about relationships? Was it really that easy for you?”

  “Well, it wasn’t easy for me,” I whispered, remembering some of the more painful and dark moments.

  “Don’t think I’m second guessing your decision,” he said. “It just sounded very sudden.”

  “I just … I guess I don’t like being in any sort of gray areas. I think that’s why I’m a PM. I do whatever I can to manage and mitigate risk. Besides, by the time he brought it up that day on the phone, he had made his decision. Why delay the inevitable by waiting to break up when we saw each other in person? Why talk it out more? It just delays the heartache,” I said dryly. “And I didn’t even tell you the grand finale,” I continued, pausing for effect. “A month ago, I learned that he was engaged. They’d been dating for six months.”

  “But you had only broken up a few months ago,” he said slowly and then it dawned on him. “He had been seeing her for several months while you guys were still together?”

  I nodded. “So in this case, I guess I did the right thing by ending it quickly.”

  He blew his breath out in a big sigh. “And you had no idea.” Ryan looked sad for me.

  “None. I felt completely betrayed.” I took a deep breath and continued. “I mean, I knew our relationship wasn’t perfect, but I never thought he would cheat on me. I honestly don’t know how people do that; cheat on people they supposedly love. I think it’s really just cowardice—break up with the person already and then start a new relationship! Don’t sneak around and betray their much-earned confidence. When you’re with someone for a long time, there’s always someone you know personally that has been involved in some torrid affair. Andrew and I would sit together at dinner parties, or just with each other, and talk about how neither of us would ever do that to the other. It was too foreign of an idea to fathom. We used to proclaim to each other and to our friends that that would never happen to ‘us.’” I used my fingers to quote the word us. “But then things happen and before you know it, you realize you’re not above the fray. Next thing you know, you’re that couple people talk about at dinner parties. It’s the worst thing anyone could ever do to me in the future.” I looked pointedly at him and said with finality, “That’s a deal breaker for me.”

  He looked at me with quiet intensity. He had one elbow on the table, his thumb on his chin and his forefinger rubbing his upper lip. He looked deep in thought about something. I think I may have said too much. I hadn’t realized I felt so strongly about infidelity until it all came tumbling out of my mouth. Before either of us could say anything else, our server arrived with our entrees.

  We ate our meals initially in silence. It was a welcome distraction from my thoughts. I could tell he was thinking about it, too, but I wasn’t going to press him to share. We sampled each other’s entrees again, holding out a fork for the other to taste. He still hadn’t said much since we received our food, so I decided to break the silence.

  “Please don’t think I’m this bitter person. It’s been several months now. I’m ready to move on. I’m not a toxic person, really. I know when to let things go.”

  “No, that’s not it at all.” He shook his head and gazed at me with complete seriousness. “You deserve someone who’s as sure about his relationship and feelings for you as you are about him. To do anything less or to be with anyone who isn’t certain about their feelings for you would be a tragedy. You would be settling.”

  “Oh,” I muttered. Another completely disarming comment from him reduced me to speechlessness. How does he do this to me? I attempted then to turn the tables.

  “What about you? Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I asked tentatively.

  There was a long pause. In those few seconds, my heart stopped and I braced myself for disappointment. The idea of him being with someone else caused me physical pain. Does a heart actually clench? My physical reaction took me by surprise. What was that?

  But instead of saying he had a girlfriend; he said something else that totally surprised me. “We’re … taking a break.”

  He didn’t offer up any further information. Raising one eyebrow, I wasn’t going to let him off the hook. “You twisted my arm to have me give you my whole sad story. Now I want to hear yours.”

  He chuckled. “I guess that’s only fair.” He rubbed his chin again with his thumb and forefinger. I wondered if this was a habit of his. Did he always rub his chin when he was deep in thought?

  “We had been together for a long time,” Ryan started slowly.

  “How long?”

  “Seven years.”

  I raised my eyebrows in surprise. That was intimidatingly long and more than twice as long as Andrew and I had been together.

  “I think we just fell into our relationship out of convenience. Before I knew it, a year became three, and then the relationship became like part of the scenery.”

  “If I were your ex-girlfriend, I would’ve cringed at the thought of being referred to as part of the scenery.”

  He looked down and chuckled, like he was experiencing a private joke. “Well, you’re definitely not part of the scenery.”

  Whatever he implied by that sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I looked at him, perplexed, but he ignored me.

  “It’s complicated,” he said and paused, trying to come up with the right words. “I never really questioned our relationship. I just kind of took it for granted that she was always there. I never really pursued her.” He spoke like it was a revelation. “I was really busy with my career. I worked some insane hours when I first started working at MS. I never really had much time for anything else. She works for MS as well.” He eyed me carefully to gauge my reaction to this news. I wasn’t surprised, though. “She was building her career and in the same boat as me. It was just convenient, frankly.”

  I knew all about convenience. I’m starting to think that Andrew was really just convenient.

  “I know that sounds sort of harsh, but it worked for us at the time. I’m not sure if she ever thought of me as more than the scenery either, come to think of it.”

  “That’s so sad,” I said. “I’m amazed you guys stayed together for as long as you did. Didn’t you realize that something was missing in your relationship?”

  “Like what? You mean fireworks and chemistry and the idea of wanting someone so bad you can hardly breathe?”

  My heart skipped a beat. “Yes, exactly like that,” I said in almost a whisper.

  “Well, I honestly thought stuff like that really didn’t exist, until...” His voice trailed off and he looked out towards the bay. “I had my doubts for a long time about her. I wanted to think that there was more, but it took me a while to figure it out.”

  He shrugged and looked directly at me. “I want to explore who else is out there.”

  “You want to see if a relationship with fireworks and chemistry actually exists.” It was statement rather than a question.

  He nodded and looked at me with a straight face. “Yes.”

  I got a warm, tingly feeling inside me. Fireworks–check. Chemistry–check. Wanting someone so bad I could hardly breathe–did my heart just skip a beat?

  On our way out, we passed by a fortune teller. Ever since I could remember, even when I came here during my college years, the same palm reader sat in the corner near the entrance to the terrace. She charged ten dollars per reading. I’d never had my palm read before.

  As we walked past her, she beckoned us to come forward. Ryan and I looked at each other, smiled, and agreed to a reading. I giggled like a teenager. Maybe it was the midday glass of wine, or the appreciation of being in one another’s company, but we were both in a good mood and the idea of getting our fortunes read seemed like a h
opeful thing to do.

  I sat down first.

  The woman in front of me wasn’t dressed like I expected a fortune teller to be dressed. There was no gypsy scarf on her head or jewelry dangling from her wrists or neck. She looked more like a slightly overweight grandmother.

  She took my hand in hers and started with her observations. “You are not the creative type, are you? You have more of a good business head.”

  I looked up at Ryan, who was curiously observing and chuckled. “Not necessarily a bad thing,” he said.

  “See this line here?” the fortune teller continued. “It means you will be very rich someday. It is your good business sense.”

  Ryan smirked.

  “And here, this means you hold too much tension in your stomach area. You will give yourself an ulcer if you’re not careful. You need to take care of your liver, too.”

  “Time to cut down on the liquor, babe.” Ryan lifted his hand in a drinking gesture with the thumb pretending to be the head of a bottle.

  He said “babe.” I liked that endearment coming from him, even if his comment was only meant to tease me.

  “And this is your love line. Family and love is what keeps you grounded.”

  This part of the reading was admittedly where I was most curious.

  “You’ve searched for a long time and you’ve had much heartbreak. This is because you love too deeply.” She looked up at Ryan. “Is this your boyfriend?”

  “No,” I said too quickly and then blushed. I glanced quickly at Ryan from the corner of eye. He looked impassive, but I thought I saw his jaw twitch.

  “Well, that is too bad.” She looked at Ryan. “She is a beautiful woman, is she not?”

  “Yes, she is,” he confirmed.

  I looked back at the fortune teller and blushed.

  “But if he is not your boyfriend, then it is unlucky for him, because you will find a great love in your life.”