Nerd Girl

by Lee, Sue

  She smiled and waved and I felt obligated to say hello. I made sure my name was listed with the hostess, sighing over the 25-30 minute wait, before walking over to Catherine’s table.

  She looked a little tired and I saw some faint, but still noticeable, bags under her eyes. It was probably the jet lag. She still looked great, though, as Grace Kelly-esque as the photo on her door. I smiled as I approached her and prepared myself for the “fancy meeting you here” conversation I was about to have with my manager. I glanced briefly over to her friend and was momentarily stunned … It was Ryan.

  Fuck me.

  My smile froze and I blinked a few times, double checking to make sure I was seeing correctly. Ryan acted like he had just swallowed something really bad, suddenly pale and equally stunned.

  “Julia! Hi, how are you?” Catherine asked cheerfully.

  “Uh … Hi, Catherine,” I said stiffly but with as much pleasantry as I could muster while trying to recover from my shock. “I thought you weren’t getting back until later this week?” My words were numb; my smile frozen on my face.

  “I decided to cut my trip short because I wasn’t feeling very well. I guess maybe I was getting a little homesick, too.” She glanced over at Ryan, reaching her hand out over the table to cover his. What the fuck? I felt my stomach stir uneasily. I was already a little nauseated from my hangover, but the look Catherine gave Ryan took it to a whole new level. Something was terribly wrong here.

  I looked at Ryan but he was admiring the salt and pepper shakers like they were the most fascinating objects in the world. I willed him to look at me, but he wouldn’t. In fact, he didn’t move. I could see a vein in his temple twitching, though, and his lips were pressed tight, but he wouldn’t look at me in the eye.

  Catherine noticed me looking at Ryan and said, “Julia, this is Ryan McGraw.” I could tell Catherine sensed something amiss between Ryan and me. She looked back and forth with a perplexed expression, but suddenly got all animated, startling me. “Oh! You guys already know each other. Silly me! Ryan told me he hit you with his car and then ran into you again at the All Hands meeting.” She laughed. “What a funny coincidence, isn’t it?”

  I was completely dumbfounded and blinked a few more times in surprise. “Um, yes … completely. What a coincidence.” I smiled nervously and looked towards Ryan, regarding him as politely as I could. “Thank you for the new laptop, Mr. McGraw.”

  Ryan finally looked up at me and replied curtly, “You’re welcome.” He smiled briefly but it never touched his eyes. “I’m sorry for hitting you with my car.”

  I was too stunned and hurt by Ryan’s betrayal to say anything. I stood there stiffly, not knowing what else to say or do. My mind was reeling and my heart was starting to splinter.

  Catherine noticed the awkward silence following Ryan’s comment. By social norms, Ryan should have said something more to me by now, especially given the mention of the car accident and laptop. Catherine shifted her head back and forth from Ryan and me, looking uncomfortable herself. “Well … um, this is sort of awkward, Julia.” She looked over at Ryan and with a look of embarrassment, she continued, “Ryan and I have a … relationship outside of work.” I thought I saw Ryan slightly cringe at her words. “A few people know this, but not many. I would appreciate it if you could keep this between us? I’m sorry to have to ask you that.”

  Shit. She had misinterpreted the silence. She had thought I felt uncomfortable because I had recognized that she was having breakfast with our US CVP. Good fucking grief.

  “Oh,” I said with my eyes wide. “Of course, you can trust me to not say anything. Don’t worry about it,” I said in a rush. I looked over at Ryan again. His face was impassive. He looked away again. If that vein could throb any harder, it was going to pop right out of his head soon. “I understand completely,” I said stiffly, looking directly at him, willing him to meet my eyes. At least have the guts to look at me and man up to what you’ve done.

  “Oh good, thanks, Julia,” Catherine said nervously.

  I needed to make my escape before she could say anything else. I felt my breath getting shallow and I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes. If I didn’t leave now, I would start crying, and that would be difficult to explain to my boss. Yes, I’m balling my eyes out because your boyfriend has been two-timing you and I’m a stupid, clueless idiot who just got her heart splattered all over the floor. Again.

  I looked around the café and then blatantly tapped my watch. “You know, I think I was supposed to meet my sister at a different café down the street. I think I just came here out of habit. I’m sorry, but I’ve got to run. I’m already ten minutes late,” I rambled.

  “Okay, we won’t keep you then. I’ll see you in the office tomorrow and we can catch up.” Catherine’s voice was heavy with relief. She wanted me out of there, too, but her reasons were different. She didn’t want anyone to know about her and Ryan’s relationship. Her and Ryan’s relationship. The thought made me shudder.

  I rushed towards my car; I could text Anna from there. I was five feet out the door when my tears freely escaped. How could I have been so stupid? I knew it was too easy … too good to be true … too effortless. I knew there was something else going on. I knew it! But I chose not to listen to my own intuition. About a block down the street, I heard Ryan.

  “Julia! Wait, please!”

  I froze momentarily on the sidewalk, trying to wipe the tears away from my eyes. I continued towards my car, walking more briskly. I thought about running, but I didn’t want to make a scene.

  “Julia!”

  I felt him grab my shoulder, so I turned around.

  He was breathless from running to catch up with me. “Please let me explain. Please,” he begged fervently, his expression stern.

  I looked up at him, ambivalent, my eyes straining with tears.

  “I’m sorry. I froze in there,” he said desperately, like it was an excuse. “I was completely taken by surprise.”

  “By surprise?” I repeated incredulously. I felt a wave of anger. “Fuck you!” I spit out bitterly and then slapped him. In broad daylight. So much for not wanting to make a scene. I was surprised by the strength of my own emotions.

  Ryan scowled in pain, but was unwavering. His mouth was tight. Calmly but firmly, he spoke through gritted teeth, “We need to talk, Julia. We can’t do it here. I know I have a lot of explaining to do.”

  I glared at him and started to tremble. I was such an idiot! How could I have let this happen? I broke my first cardinal law. Never cheat with anyone. Never be cheated on by someone again.

  “Were you ever truly on a … ‘on a break,’ like you told me?” I demanded.

  He paused and looked down at his shoes. That said enough.

  I gasped. “You are a piece of work,” I mumbled under my breath and shook my head in distress.

  As I unlocked my car door with my key remote, he moved to stand in front of me, trying to block my entry.

  “Let me go, Ryan,” I said quietly, staring straight ahead.

  “No, we need to discuss this. I’ll come over later today. Please, Julia,” he begged.

  I looked at him with tears flowing down my face. I couldn’t seem to stop them now and didn’t try to. I noticed the red outline of my hand was starting to reveal itself on his cheek.

  “What’s there to talk about? It’s pretty clear to me what’s going on. Your girlfriend … my boss, goes on a little business trip. You use that time to get your kicks with the new piece of ass from the office.” The fact that his recent ex was my manager was another pretty substantial thing he had hidden from me. “Do you do this every time she travels? When you travel?”

  He looked horrified by my crass accusation. He gripped both of my shoulders and scowled angrily at me. “I want you to know that I’ve never been unfaithful to … to Catherine … in any way, before I met you. And you are not some ‘piece of ass,’ as you put it.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration, causing it
to stand on end.

  Damn it. Even pissed, he looked sexy.

  “Look,” he said in desperation, “I was going to tell you today, before she got back. She wasn’t supposed to be back until Thursday, which you knew. But she got back this morning. I knew I needed to stop it before it got any further with us, because...”

  “Further?” I interrupted him. “Didn’t you think it went far enough the moment you kissed me? You think cheating on someone only qualifies if you fuck them?” I was being callous now and I didn’t give a shit.

  He looked stricken by my blunt comment, but I wasn’t in any mood to be delicate. He ignored my comment. I was too angry to be ladylike. I could tell my words had pushed a button.

  “Look. I didn’t expect for this to happen,” he said, gesturing in the air between us. “You weren’t supposed to exist.” He sounded almost bitter and roughly combed his hand through his hair again, exasperated. “Catherine was supposed to be my happy ever after. She was supposed to be the one. After seven fucking years, I was resigned to the fact that she was it. Then I hit you with my car, and wham! I feel like I was the one that got hit over the head that day. And then that night at Betty’s … I knew I was in serious trouble then. I thought I did the right thing by letting you go that night. But then you showed up again and I realized I couldn’t let you go a second time.” He paused to take a deep breath, reflecting on his own perplexing behavior. “How can you fall for someone when you already supposedly love someone else? What type of person does that make me?”

  I didn’t respond; he wasn’t asking me, anyway. He was asking himself.

  He leaned forward, bending and placing both of his hands on his knees, like he had been defeated in a race. “You’ve completely turned my world upside down, Julia. I don’t know what the right thing is to do anymore.” To my satisfaction, he looked so sad; completely tormented about his “predicament.”

  What do I say to that? He completely disarmed me again. My emotions turned from anger to sappy to sentimental to utter confusion. I wanted to be angry with him, but I couldn’t, because if I was honest with myself, I was relieved to have heard his words. In fact, I was shamefully elated to hear that I had turned his world upside down.

  But instead of revealing the extent of my emotions, I said, “I’m confused, Ryan. Are you saying you want to be with me or with Catherine?”

  “It’s … complicated,” he said, his face tortured.

  I was really beginning to hate that word now. Is there anything that isn’t complicated?

  “Julia, I’ve known her almost my whole life. We’ve been through a lot together.”

  “You’ve apparently made up your mind,” I said curtly and I could feel my heart breaking.

  “Julia–we’re engaged.”

  Whoosh! All the air had just deflated from my lungs. My eyes narrowed as I looked at him more closely. I thought this couldn’t get any worse. I was having an affair with my boss’s boyfriend … no, scratch that, her fiancé. I was the other woman. I’d become the thing I hated most in other women. I probably won’t have a job by the end of the week, either. Awesome. The situation was getting so bad that I no longer knew how to react. It was so completely comical, I started laughing hysterically and threw my arms up in the air.

  “Julia …” he said cautiously.

  “You’re an asshole!” I interrupted him angrily. “I’m done! I’m not doing this with you!” I snapped. “No more excuses or lies.” I looked down the street and I could see Catherine looking at us from a distance. She was too far for me to read the expression on her face, but she started walking in our direction. Fuck. I paused a moment to compose myself.

  “Julia–I don’t want to lose you,” Ryan begged desperately, his eyes wide and frightened. “Give me some time to work this through with Catherine. Please.” He implored me with his eyes.

  Was he saying that he wanted some time to be able to choose between us? Or did he already choose? Was I willing to give him that time to be sure? What he did was so wrong; lying to me, lying to Catherine. Did I really want to throw this all away? I was too emotional right now to think through everything rationally. I needed some distance. I wasn’t sure how I felt about his dishonesty and whether or not I could work through that. I couldn’t figure that out right now. What I did know was that I had never experienced such a deep and soulful connection with another man as I had experienced with Ryan. I was falling in love with him, if I wasn’t already. And because of that, for once, I decided to go against my better judgment and not become the passive player I had been in the past. I wanted to settle things under my terms.

  I stood up tall, grabbing both of his large, solid hands in mine and looking passionately into his pained and desperate blue eyes. “Figure it out, Ryan,” I said with conviction. “If you want to be with me, then be with me. Choose me. If you still have things to figure out with Catherine, then leave me the hell alone. I refuse to wait in the wings while you work things through with … with your fiancé,” I continued bitterly. “I have way too much pride for that. Don’t talk to me again until you’ve decided wholeheartedly that you want to be with me.”

  Ryan looked stricken and torn. Before he could say anything more, Catherine reached us. I glanced at her, but couldn’t bear the thought of facing her right now, especially when I’d obviously been crying, so I reached for my car door handle and this time Ryan didn’t block my way.

  Before I shut my door, I heard Catherine cautiously ask, “What’s going on, Ryan?”

  As I drove off, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Ryan and Catherine staring at one another, both unmoving and uncertain of what was next.

  I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I texted Anna and told her that I wasn’t feeling well. She bought my story that I was still too hungover and I was sorry to have to cancel brunch at the last minute.

  I didn’t head home right away, but decided instead to go for a walk along the Elliott Bay waterfront. The clouds above resembled my mood, heavy with impending rain. I could smell the scent of ozone in the air just before I got drenched in the downpour. I didn’t care.

  The trail started just below the Magnolia Bridge, following along the waterfront, and ending at Sculpture Park. If you kept going, you would eventually run into the touristy downtown Seattle waterfront. I liked running here because the little waves hit the rocks piled up along the beach, and there was something soothing and calming about the never-ending subtle sound of the ocean. It was rhythmic and constant, reliable and dependable. It was unlike the drama that had just unfolded in my life.

  I’d always been so quick to end things. I could never bear the humiliation of trying to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Anna and my mom always said I had too much pride and that’s why I never gave some men second chances. They said I always threw in the towel too soon. I disagreed, because I couldn’t name an instance where I threw in the towel early and things didn’t end up the way they inevitably would have. I just helped it along. Come to think of it, I think Ryan said essentially the same thing about how Andrew and I had ended our long term relationship so quickly. Granted, that relationship was doomed anyways, so I was right in the end.

  I had always taken a little time to lick my wounds, but my goal was always to move on. After Andrew, moving on was in the form of finding a new job. This time, however, finding a new job wouldn’t take me away from my problems. This time it was part of the problem. I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran away from Ryan as fast as I could and now I didn’t know what to do next. My pride had been damaged one too many times. I couldn’t bear to face Catherine, either. Most of all, I just couldn’t face the fact that Ryan would probably choose her–beautiful, smart, confident, poised Catherine, a woman he’s known almost his whole life.

  He said he needed some time to think through things. I never gave him the chance to say anything more, nor did I give him an opportunity to talk to me later under more calm circumstances. That was my pride getting in the way again. Maybe I sho
uld’ve agreed to meet him to talk it through, but I was too hurt and angry to really rationalize and process anything he had said.

  I remembered him telling me that I turned his world upside down. He didn’t say that he wanted to be with me or that he would give up Catherine to do so. Thus, my only conclusion was that I was just a diversion. He must have cold feet. Anyone who waited seven years to marry someone was suffering from a long term case of it. He once called her “part of the scenery.” You can’t marry the scenery. It would be a tragedy for someone as wonderful and brilliant as Ryan to settle and merely enjoy the view.

  It didn’t feel like he was treating me like a diversion, though. All the time we spent together felt sincere and his feelings seemed so genuine. Was he really that good and I was a fool, or could he have really been falling in love with me? He sounded so upset and regretful this morning when he called to cancel. Maybe he was telling the truth. I really wanted to believe him. From the moment I met him, it felt different than any other relationship I had ever been in. I was happier somehow with him than I could remember being with anyone. When the two of us were together, it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist. The connection between us wasn’t imagined. Or maybe in the aftermath of Andrew, I wanted to feel love again so badly that perhaps I imagined his feelings for me. It all happened so quickly. That must’ve been the reason.

  He grew up with Catherine and I couldn’t help wondering how long they’d known each other—since childhood? Middle school? Perhaps they were high school sweethearts. I wished I knew more about their history, and at the same time, I didn’t want to think about him being with her. Had I agreed to discuss things with him, maybe I would’ve learned more about it.