Nerd Girl

by Lee, Sue

  Kyle was beaming. That was really nice of Ryan to say. I smiled for Kyle, too, for a job well done.

  “Yeah, thanks for saying that, but I didn’t do it all alone. I had a lot of help from the rest of my team,” Kyle said modestly. He actually looked a little embarrassed.

  Wow, he was humble, too. Really, what’s wrong with me that I wasn’t attracted to someone as great as Kyle? Ryan looked expectantly at me and Kyle introduced us without hesitation.

  “Ryan, this is Julia Hayes. She’s the new Digital Relationship Marketing Manager working for Catherine Galer. Julia, this is Ryan McGraw, our fearless leader.” Kyle grinned. He was clearly in a good mood from the recent compliment from his VP and started on his second beer.

  I couldn’t help realizing that this was our second awkward meeting in which we pretended not to know one another. It killed me that we were putting on such a charade. The moment our hands touched, shivers ran up my spine. I ached to touch him more. I just wanted him to hold me and kiss me and tell me that everything was going to be okay. Instead, I politely said, “Nice to meet you.”

  He studied me as if he was trying to read something more in my cautious expression. I did the same and thought I saw something brighten briefly in his eyes. I saw a yearning for more, the same emotion that ran through my veins, but I also saw the underlying shadow of regret and unease lingering behind those beautiful blue eyes of his. What are you thinking about, Ryan?

  Kyle didn’t seem to notice the silent exchange between Ryan and me. He asked if l’d like another beer and I nodded. I wouldn’t have said yes if I’d known Kyle was going to step away to ask the bartender directly for our drinks. For a moment, I panicked, not wanting to be left alone with Ryan. How can we have a conversation of any normality surrounded by his employees? I didn’t have to worry, because as soon as Kyle started to step towards the bar, someone had already approached Ryan, wanting his attention.

  While Ryan was momentarily distracted, I followed Kyle to the bar to get away from the rest of the group. If I hung out within the vicinity of Ryan for any length of time, it was going to unnerve me and I was petrified of what my emotions would show. I needed to get away from him and leave or at least put some physical distance between us.

  I sat on a stool at the bar and because I didn’t look like I was going anywhere, Kyle sat down in the stool next to me. I could see Ryan clearly from my seat and I noticed him watching me from the corner of his eye, so I shamelessly leaned over to touch Kyle’s shoulder and flirtatiously congratulated him for the work that Ryan had just complimented him on. Kyle seemed neither surprised nor bothered by my touch and if anything, he seemed to welcome it.

  Our stools faced each other, which meant that sometimes our knees inadvertently touched. We sipped our drinks and he told me a story about how one of the agency training attendees actually had his ass crack on display for all to see. He figured the guy was one of the more technical engineers at the company, since people in marketing were usually too vain or self-aware to leave their ass out. We laughed about the guy’s cluelessness and how no one from his company would tell the poor guy that his backside was showing.

  Of course, I played up our conversation for Ryan’s viewing benefit. I wanted him to see me in my cute skinny jeans, touching knees with an attractive, intelligent, great guy like Kyle. I wanted him to see me enjoying myself and being the object of someone else’s affections. I wanted him to see what he was missing. Damn him right now for not choosing me. And if he still didn’t know what he wanted, well then, maybe this was a good reminder.

  When I finally looked over at Ryan, he was watching us like a hawk and didn’t seem to be making much of an attempt to hide his dissatisfaction. His mouth was in a hard line.

  I felt guilty about Kyle. I hoped Ryan didn’t hold this against him somehow; he looked downright pissed. Well, this is what you’re missing, Ryan. Suck it up.

  Barely having started on my second beer, I told Kyle I had to leave and thanked him for inviting me. I didn’t expect him to, but he offered to walk out with me, and as we headed towards the exit, he put his arm around my shoulder. It felt more like a gesture in the spirit of happy hour camaraderie, rather than anything romantic (I really hoped it was the former), but I faked looking happy. From appearances, Ryan couldn’t tell the difference. I took one last look at him before I flounced out. Ryan gave me a cold, expressionless stare. I gave him a small smug smile and turned to leave.

  When we stepped outside, Kyle removed his arm. With some relief, I headed towards the Lincoln Square garage elevators. Kyle followed me.

  “What do you say about going to Bumbershoot with me on Saturday night?” he asked while we waited for the elevator.

  I actually would’ve loved to go see some bands with him, but I didn’t want Kyle to get the wrong idea. After my behavior these last thirty minutes, I was ashamed and was feeling pretty guilty. Kyle was such a great person and I totally used him, treating him like a pawn in my personal chess game. I decided to tell him the painful truth, or at least part of it.

  “Kyle, I have a confession to make,” I said with a guilty grimace on my face.

  “Oh no, is my ass crack showing?” he asked with a serious expression.

  I shoved him with my shoulder. “No!” I said emphatically, but couldn’t help laughing. “I would really like to go with you, but first I wanted to apologize for my behavior at the restaurant just now.” I cringed at my own admission.

  Kyle fell silent with a confused expression on his face, but he waited for me to continue. “There was someone attending your team happy hour that I’ve sort of been dating. I’m not in a position right now to reveal who he is. We both agreed to keep it confidential and I intend to continue to honor that agreement. Anyways, things haven’t been going so smoothly. It wasn’t pre-meditated at all, but the opportunity came up to make him jealous, so I did. I’m sorry.” I shamefully looked down at my feet.

  “Ah, got it.” Kyle nodded in realization. Then he said with some hopefulness, “So, did it work? Was he jealous?”

  “Yeah, I think so. But for some reason, I don’t feel good about it,” I said sadly. “It was dishonest and manipulative of me, and it was unfair to you.”

  Kyle was quiet and looked at me contemplatively for a moment. “I can’t say I’m not disappointed, but thanks for being honest with me. I’d still love it if you wanted to hang out next weekend and go to a show with me. What do you say?”

  I hesitated, not wanting to lead him on again.

  “As friends,” he said, reading my mind and smiling down at me in reassurance.

  “Okay, I’d love to.” I nodded and smiled back, grateful he wasn’t upset. He really was such a great guy. I needed to go through an inventory of my single girlfriends and see if I could find someone to set him up with.

  Unexpectedly, Kyle hugged me and then looked down at me with a caring smile. “Whoever this guy is, Julia, if he can’t figure it out soon, he’s an idiot and you should move on. You’re smart, funny, intelligent, and not to mention, you’re hot.” He looked at me sheepishly and I felt color creeping up my neck. “If he doesn’t realize this, then it’s totally his loss and you need to see it this way, too. I mean it!” he said emphatically. “Don’t let this get you down, because I can see it has.”

  “Thanks, Kyle.” I gave him a sad smile. Maybe he was right and I should move on. Last time it took finding a new job to do so. Maybe I just needed to do that again. Come to think of it, this time I might not have much of a choice.

  At least my sister was happy—the wedding went off without a hitch. Anna looked beautiful and it was a lovely ceremony. I always thought that some weddings were more emotionally moving than others. I’d been to too many weddings to count but I’d only been to a few whereby the couple’s love was palpable in the air and every guest could feel the emotion and beauty of their special relationship. Sometimes, these were the simplest affairs, but it was always the most sentimental weddings that I remembered most.
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  Anna and Ethan’s wedding fortunately was one of those. It was a touching and heartfelt ceremony. It might’ve only been because I was her sister and maid of honor, but I cried with them as they declared their vows. I think everyone did; I was hard-pressed to find a dry eye in the garden.

  As much as I was happy for my sister, there was nothing worse than going to a wedding when your own love life was in turmoil. A wedding, by nature, is a happy occasion. Love was celebrated, people were drunk and/or sappy with memories, and most adults came with a date. Being one of the very few, if only, unattached women between twenty and forty, I was reminded just how far I was from ever experiencing a wedding day of my own. The only silver lining I could find was witnessing the public proclamation of Anna and Ethan’s love for one another. As corny as it sounded, it gave me hope that love like theirs was real and possible for me. As much as my heart had been repeatedly broken in the past, I still held on to the belief that there was such a thing as finding that special someone. I really needed to believe that right now. It was the only thing keeping me from going insane and jumping into Elliott Bay.

  Yesterday, before the wedding rehearsal, I kept telling myself that I needed to put my own personal issues aside and be there for Anna. This was her weekend. I loved my sister and I was truly happy for her. I told myself that I would enjoy this weekend and have a positive attitude come hell or high water.

  “I will,” I said out loud again. I nodded firmly to myself before getting out of my car and heading into the Edgewater Hotel for the reception.

  I took the elevator up to meet Kelli, Anna’s wedding coordinator, in the main reception hall. I couldn’t get over how beautiful it was. The crescent-shaped ballroom had glass along most of the west wall and looked out onto the bay. The chandeliers hanging from the ceiling reflected the sunlight and the room appeared to float over the water. Fortunately, the weather held today and to everyone’s relief, it didn’t rain. With partly cloudy skies, there would be a colorful sunset for the guests. I said a little silent prayer of thanks for this good fortune.

  If there was ever someone that looked like their profession, Kelli was it. She looked and behaved exactly like I imagined a wedding coordinator would. She was petite, blonde, and completely in control; nothing was going to get past this lady. I checked with her to find out when the happy couple was expected to arrive. Since they were still taking solo wedding pictures at the park, they would be about thirty minutes delayed.

  My mother caught up with me at the bar. “Julia, honey, what did you think of the ceremony?” She linked her arm into mine; she wasn’t going to let me escape this time. She tried cornering me at the ceremony, but I had used my maid of honor duties as an excuse, making it clear that it wasn’t the right time for my mom to grill me about Ryan.

  “It went perfectly, didn’t it?” I said.

  “I couldn’t stop crying. It was so beautiful!” she gushed. Her eyes started to water again remembering the events of the last hour.

  I smiled back at her wistfully, letting her have her moment. After all, she was the mother of the bride.

  After lightly dabbing her eyes with tissue, she turned to me and grabbed my chin with her hand. Her expression had transitioned from sentimental to concerned gravity. “So, are you okay, sweetie?” I could see her worry wrinkle between her eyes. I got the same thing when I was thinking too hard. “I haven’t had much of a chance to talk to you with all the craziness of the wedding this past week. You look a little tired.”

  “Yes, I’m fine, Mom. I’ve just been really busy lately with the new job.” I heard Ella Fitzgerald singing Dancing Cheek to Cheek in the background. If I were ever to get married someday, that would be my wedding song. It always reminded me of old Hollywood.

  “Does it have anything to do with the gentleman you’ve been seeing recently? Would your mood have anything to do with him?” she asked, arching an eyebrow.

  I breathed out in exasperation. Last night at the rehearsal dinner, I sat through the usual questions from my relatives as to when I was going to find a nice young man and walk down the aisle and make my parents proud. Now that Anna was married, my parents only had me to worry them. They talked about it like it was my parents problem, not mine, and speculated why I was still single. In defense, my mom said that I had broken up with Andrew several months ago because he had cheated on me. By this explanation, I was absolved of any wrongdoing, and therefore, they shouldn’t lose hope; I was perfectly capable of finding another, better man.

  Of course, that’s when Anna piped in and said that I wasn’t single. She brought up Ryan and explained how we had met and how wonderful both she and Ethan thought he was. I knew she was only offering up this information to my parents and the other guests at the table to distract them from the conversation of my single status. However, that only led to more questions about my newly non-single status.

  I had given Anna a warning look, which she ignored, of course. Predictably, my mother was surprised and I also noticed her subtle expression of hurt. I looked at her guiltily. My mom, Anna, and I always prided ourselves in having an open and strong relationship. My love life was becoming multiple chapters and I hadn’t yet shared any of it with my mom.

  So, of course, Mom was full of questions. I stayed quiet, but this went unnoticed because Anna chimed in with most of the superficial answers. Yes, he was handsome, he was some big wig at MS, and they had been dating for several weeks. My mother looked excited for me and I could tell she was relieved that I seemed to be moving on from Andrew. She wanted to know when I would feel comfortable bringing him home to meet her and my dad. That’s when I decided to finally speak up.

  “We’re not that serious,” I mumbled. “I’m not that into him. I’m not sure why Anna even mentioned him.” I rolled my eyes and feigned boredom. I didn’t look at Anna because I knew she would see right through me.

  “That’s so not true, Julia!” she insisted. “You’re totally into him.”

  I realized she wasn’t on my side and groaned, one step away from banging my head on the table. I couldn’t blame her, though. She had no idea what had transpired over the course of this past week. I had hoped to wait until after the wedding to tell her. I didn’t want to steal her thunder and have her worry about me during one of the best days of her life.

  In my attempt to change the subject, I said, “Tonight is about you and Ethan, not me.” I gave her another warning look.

  “It’s not a big deal, Julia.” She rolled her eyes and looked over at my parents. “Ryan is great, you guys will love him.”

  My eyes were downcast and my mouth grew tight. When I looked up, I saw that Anna was watching me. Anna was studying me now and appeared a little confused by my reaction. I noticed she had the Hayes wrinkle between her eyes, too. She was slowly catching on that something wasn’t right.

  “So, did you ask him to the wedding?” my mom asked.

  Everyone looked at me expectantly.

  “Yes, but he had previous commitments,” I said quietly.

  My mom noticed Anna and I looking at each other, trying to communicate with only our eyes. My mom could read each of her children like a hawk; she could always see through our secret twin communication. Maybe this was because raising twins must’ve been an interesting and unique experience. As kids and as teenagers, I swore she had some freakish clairvoyance of some sort because she always knew when we were lying, if something was up, or if we were working on some secret sisterly collaborative scheme. Anna and I learned early on that we were better off just telling her the truth. Or, maybe I was just a really bad liar. My mom and Anna both looked at me, waiting for further explanation. I didn’t provide any. Instead, I took a large gulp of my wine.

  “Julia,” my mom said knowingly, “what are you not telling us?”

  I sighed loudly. Hoping to shut them all up, I decided to confess. “We’re not together anymore, okay?” I blurted out. “It was short-lived and that’s why I never mentioned anything to you, Mom. Don’t
worry about it, okay? Can we just focus on Anna and Ethan?”

  My mom’s brows furrowed again. She looked disappointed. Anna looked confused. Ethan gave me an inquisitive but sad gaze. I could tell he really liked Ryan and I think he’d been looking forward to the idea of the two of them becoming better friends. Well, so did I!

  The subject was closed, but I knew my mom wouldn’t let it rest until I answered her questions to her satisfaction. And she finally cornered me, albeit twenty-four hours later, desperate for answers. She linked her arm into mine as she walked with me to the reception bar.

  “Mom, I’m fine,” I repeated.

  She eyed me curiously and arched an eyebrow—she wasn’t buying it.

  “Okay, yes, I was a little sad because things didn’t work out with Ryan and me. But I’m over it. I’m fine, really. Can we talk about this some other time? Maybe we can go out to lunch next week and can catch up,” I suggested, hoping this would temporarily get her off my back.

  As usual, she saw right through me and chose to ignore everything I’d just said. “I have to ask Anna about what’s going on with you sometimes, because you close yourself off when things aren’t going well and you don’t tell me things.”

  I heard a lecture coming and braced myself, but just before she could start on her tirade, I was rescued by the sound of static coming from the microphone. Kelli was about to announce the arrival of the happy couple.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, it’s my great pleasure to introduce to you, Mr. and Mrs. Ethan and Anna Kinnear!”

  The room exploded in applause and in walked my sister and my new brother-in-law. I clapped along with everyone else, both for Ethan and Anna, and equally for having put off my mom for at least a few more hours, if not another day.

  As the mother of the bride, Mom was a popular target for many of the guests, and when the applause died down, it took only seconds before guests were also congratulating my mom on a beautiful wedding and for inheriting a new son-in-law. With the distraction of Anna and Ethan’s entry into the ballroom, I took the opportunity to release myself from my mother’s arm and walked up to Anna.