by Lee, Sue
“I see.” Brett nodded like this happened every day. “Yes, that is complicated.”
I could tell he was at a loss for words. I tried not to visibly squirm and show him my discomfort, but I’m sure my flushed face was a dead giveaway.
After an awkward silence, Brett decided to end the meeting. My time was up.
“Thanks for coming in today, Julia. Thank you for your interest and I appreciate your honesty, but please know that I’ve also had a lot of people interested in the position.” In translation, this job is in high demand. If I find anyone equal to your qualifications, I’ll likely choose someone that doesn’t have complications coming as part of the package. “I’ll be deciding, hopefully by next week, who I think we’ll be bringing in for a formal interview loop.” In translation, I’m going to hedge my bets and look at all my other candidates before I would consider you for this role.
I’ve been around long enough to know that usually if an informational meeting went well, the invitation for a formal interview was almost immediate. I had just been politely blown off. Could I blame him? If I were in his shoes, would I take the risk? Probably not. MS was competitive; there were plenty of other smart and hungry fish in the ocean to choose from.
“Thanks again for your time, Brett,” I said with as much confidence and dignity as I could muster. I stood up, making sure my chin was raised, and offered my hand for a firm handshake.
I skirted out of the building as fast as I could.
By Thursday, I was feeling quite discouraged about my future job prospects. Despite this minor setback, my daily mood was brightly eclipsed by Ryan. Being in love was the greatest endorphin ever. My career was falling apart, but Ryan and I had found ourselves establishing a nice rhythm to our relationship; we had spent every night together this week. Because he often worked late due to his ridiculously crazy meeting schedule, I got home earlier than him, but every night he come to my place in the evening and we would have dinner together.
Tonight, however, was different. Tonight he had a dinner meeting. Sometimes his schedule got so slammed during the day that the only way critical meetings could take place was to have them over dinner. Since I knew Ryan would be late, I drove to Greenlake after work and ran a double loop.
By the time Ryan buzzed my door, it was well past nine o’clock. I was comfortably reading my book in bed, wearing only my camisole and a pair of sleep shorts. I had taken a shower after my run, so had no makeup on and my hair was pulled into a sloppy bun.
I opened my door and he greeted me with a slow grin, his eyes grazing down my body and then back up. “Babe.” He wrapped his arm around my waist to kiss me. “I like this look,” he said, grinning with approval.
I rolled my eyes but was secretly pleased with his reaction. I thought, by now, I would be somewhat used to his kisses, but each time he sealed his lips with mine, my heart leapt and I was breathless. I flushed under his appreciative gaze.
“Were you in bed already?” he asked.
“No, just reading … waiting for you.”
“Good,” he said, nuzzling his nose into my hair. “Let me take a quick shower and I’ll join you. Sorry I was so late. Will and I had a lot of catching up to do.”
“Will? You mean, Will Bigelow?”
Ryan nodded in acknowledgement. Will was another senior executive. I think he actually worked for Stephanie now, but I heard he had recently come from the US Subsidiary.
Ryan took clothes out of his bag and set them out for tomorrow before jumping in the shower. I smiled when I realized he no longer needed to bring his toiletries over; he’d already left his toothbrush and electric shaver at my place. He probably didn’t appreciate my citrus shampoo and body wash on his own head and body though, so I made a mental note to purchase his preferred shampoo and body products next time I went to the drugstore.
As Ryan took his shower, I couldn’t help wondering if he and Will ever spoke about their families, hobbies, or other outside activities at their meetings. Would Ryan be forthcoming about his relationship with me? Would he introduce me to them at Christmas parties or summer BBQs? He’s met my family and some of my friends, but I couldn’t help wondering when or if I would ever meet his.
We’d discussed not disclosing our relationship to anyone in either of our organizations, but it was becoming more difficult and disingenuous to not discuss my private life with my girlfriends. Outside of our two teams, I didn’t know if there were going to be additional boundaries. The discussion we had on the subject felt like it was so long ago and we really hadn’t revisited it since we officially “got together.” We’d briefly discussed it when he helped me with my scorecard, but back then we didn’t know that our relationship would take the course it did. That felt like ages ago.
I certainly didn’t want to pressure him about meeting his family, since when that happened was really his decision. I felt secure enough in our relationship that meeting his family would happen in its own time, but I couldn’t help wondering how I would be incorporated into his greater world. At some point, we needed to leave our cozy, comfortable, happy little bubble.
When Ryan came out of the bathroom, he wore only his boxer shorts. I shamelessly watched him walk across the room, enjoying the way he moved. He had a beautiful, broad back and shoulders that narrowed into a nice V at the waist. To my disappointment, he grabbed a t-shirt from his clothes pile and pulled it over his head. I pouted with a noticeable exhale of breath.
“Would you rather I not wear the t-shirt?” he asked, arching an eyebrow in amusement.
I nodded and gave him an appreciative grin.
He chuckled and honored my nonverbal request, tossing the shirt back on the pile and climbing into bed. He wrapped his arms around by waist and nuzzled his face into my stomach. “I missed you,” he murmured.
“Me too,” I said, combing my fingers through his hair.
I heard a contented moan escape his lips. He closed his eyes, apparently so comfortable in his current position that he might fall asleep. I probably should’ve let him, but I couldn’t help contemplating how and when we would leave the confines of our bubble. I really wanted to ask him while the thoughts were fresh in my mind.
“So, do you and Will talk about stuff other than work?” I asked, continuing to play with his hair. “Are you guys friends?”
“Yeah, Will and I are good friends.” He didn’t seem to think anything of my question. He looked as content as a cat sitting on a windowsill.
“When you say ‘good friends,’ does that mean you socialize with him outside of work?”
“Yes.” Ryan turned his head to look up at me, now eyeing me curiously. “We go out for drinks every once in a while. I’ve taken him and his wife out on the boat before. Why do you ask?”
“Just curious,” I said. I wondered if Catherine had gone out with them on the boat.
“I can tell there’s something else behind your question, Julia. You’re being so coy about it, but you don’t have to be. Just ask me. What is it you want to know?” he asked me with an amused grin.
I started to play with the folded corner of my book. I had a habit of folding corners for bookmarks. “Well, I’m curious … if you and Will are as good of friends as you say, have you told him about us?” I met Ryan’s eyes, but before he could respond, I continued, “I mean … does he qualify as one of those people who we can’t tell about our relationship? I’ve never met him, but if he’s a good friend of yours, shouldn’t I have the right to meet him on some future social occasion? Or vice versa, he probably would want to know about me, right? Did he know about Catherine and you? He probably did; you guys were together for a really long time. I guess I’m just confused about how and who I or we can discuss our relationship with. I mean, of course I wouldn’t say anything to someone like Mia or Kyle, but maybe after I find another job, would you be okay if I were to discretely tell some of my good friends at MS about us?”
All of this came out in an endless ramble. I wasn’t even sure I
had made any sense, but as soon as I asked the first question, it was like a dam broke and everything from my brain came rushing out of my mouth.
Surprisingly, Ryan didn’t flinch, nor did he look irritated. He looked perplexed and thoughtful. He sat up and leaned against the headboard. “It sounds like you’ve been thinking about this a lot,” he said softly.
I let out a deep breath. I guess I hadn’t realized I was holding it all inside of me. “I don’t know how I fit into your life, Ryan.” I paused, but decided it was best to come clean. “You and Catherine disclosed your relationship to a small circle of people at MS. I guess I need to know what our small circle is, both at work and outside of it. If this was just a fling, I would be discrete and keep it to ourselves, but everything we’ve experienced together these last few weeks leads me to believe that we’re both in it for the long haul. Not talking about you, about us, to my friends sort of cheapens our relationship. And as for your family, to be honest with you, I feel very inadequate. They’ve known and loved Catherine almost your whole life. I don’t want to be too presumptuous here, but how do I even become a part of that inner circle when I feel like I’ve come and crashed the party?”
Ryan wrapped one arm over my shoulder and pulled me in close to him. I breathed in his fresh-out-of-the-shower scent. Despite all the questions still floating unanswered in my head, I couldn’t help relaxing into his arms. “I’m sorry, Julia. I guess I hadn’t really thought about all of this stuff yet.” He gave me an apologetic smile. “Men, right?”
I returned his smile with a wry one.
“You know,” he said, looking at me from under his eyelashes. “I did tell Will about you.”
“Really?” I asked incredulously. I hadn’t expected to hear that.
“Yeah, really.” The corners of his lips turned up slowly. “You’re important to me. I love you. You’re all I think about. Sitting there with Will, all I wanted to do was run home to be with you.” He chuckled at my surprised expression.
“What did you tell him about me?”
“He was surprised to hear that Catherine and I broke up. I didn’t get into all the details with him, but I told him only the truth. Catherine and I were better suited as friends. And … that I fell in love.”
My heart fluttered and his comment made me smile. I’m sure the conversation was more extensive than that, but I decided to let it go. I heard what I needed to hear.
“We’ll all go out sometime. I’d love for you to meet Will and Michelle.”
“Okay, I’d like that. That would be fun,” I said, much happier now.
“I do think that some discretion is still warranted right now. I think it would be smart for us keep it on the down low for anyone in our two organizations, at least until things settle down.”
I nodded in agreement.
“As for my mom and Lauren, I’ll set up something so that you have the chance to meet them.”
“I know your mom knows about us, but does Lauren?”
“Yeah, she does,” he said with a nod. “It’s sort of difficult to hide a broken engagement from your sister.”
I nodded in understanding. The idea of meeting them made me nervous. Lauren, Catherine, and his mom were close. They had a shared history together. I wasn’t sure how receptive they were of me entering Ryan’s life. What if they thought I was a homewrecker?
Ryan saw my uncertainty and tried to reassure me, squeezing me closer to him. “Once they get to know you, they’ll see how happy you’ve made me and come to love you, too,” he said with gentle confidence.
I wasn’t as confident as he was, but I had to trust him for now.
I decided to focus on the positive. He was sharing information about me to his friends! I wasn’t a shameful secret, which is what I think I was actually afraid of. Secrets meant things were temporary. I wanted to know that he was proud to be with me. He basically told me just now that I had nothing to worry about and I felt silly for even thinking I did. I was glad that I had brought it up, though. It had been nibbling at me for quite some time, and I had no idea how much it weighed on me until the weight had been removed.
I climbed onto his lap, straddling him, and held his face between my hands. I kissed him gently and thoroughly. He was already growing hard, so I rubbed myself up against him, causing his breath to hitch. His hands were already inside my camisole, heating and caressing my skin. His thumbs brushed over my already hardened nipples and a moan escaped my lips. He quickly pulled my camisole up over my head and flipped me over onto my back in one single move. My book fell to the floor. He hovered over me and moved his lips downward. I sighed in anticipation.
I worked from home again today. This time, I didn’t even pretend to work, but I did look into the MS procurement and vendor policies. I also looked into what was required to get my own business license. The more and more I thought about it, the idea of becoming a yellow badge temporarily, until I knew what my next career move would be, was looking more and more attractive.
As I read through websites on how to set up my own small business, my phone rang. It was Ryan.
“Miss me already?” I teased him. It wasn’t even noon yet.
“Always,” he said.
“What’s going on?” I asked, pouring myself another cup of coffee.
“Catherine called me this morning.”
My body stilled. I was glad he wasn’t able to see my physical reaction and surprise. “What did she want?” I asked, trying to sound as casual as possible. I held my breath, waiting for him to continue.
“She asked if I could meet her for an early dinner tonight. I didn’t think we had any set plans, so I said yes. Are you okay with that?”
No, I wasn’t, but I didn’t want to sound like a jealous girlfriend. “Did she say why?”
“She just said that she really needed to talk to me about something that was better said in person. She didn’t sound too good. I’m a little worried about her. Since I’m responsible for what she’s going through right now, I feel obligated to see how she’s doing and just make sure she’s okay; that she’s taking care of herself, you know?”
“When you break up with someone, isn’t it easier for them if you don’t put more salt on the wound?” I asked him carefully.
“Yeah, I hear you. But, Julia, she sounded really … off somehow. I feel that I owe her this. I hope you can understand.”
“I do, Ryan. Do what you think you need to do.” I nodded even though he couldn’t see me, trying to convince myself that I was okay with this. I told myself that I was glad he was being so upfront with me. Even though I wasn’t happy about him seeing Catherine again so soon, the last thing I wanted to do was make him regret opening up to me about it.
“I’ll make it an early dinner, so that you and I can still spend a part of the evening together, yeah?” he suggested, trying to sound reassuring.
“Okay, sure. I’ll see you later tonight then.”
I spent a quiet evening alone at home instead of going out while Ryan was gone. I think the last time I spent a Friday night at home was before I had started my new job, which was only a few weeks ago, but it felt like a year. It’s amazing how much my life has changed in such a short period of time.
I was a little tense, knowing that my boyfriend was having dinner with his ex-fiancé. I trusted him, but I wasn’t sure I trusted her. I couldn’t help thinking that there was something more to this dinner than Catherine just having a hard time with the break up. I guess I could’ve called up Anna to hang out, but since I was feeling a bit melancholy, I opted to just take a bubble bath. I poured myself a glass of red wine and took a big first gulp, then laid back and closed my eyes.
Everything about Ryan and me just worked. I had never felt so in tune with someone. He made me feel loved, safe, and hopeful. Time didn’t seem to exist and just being in his presence was all I needed to feel content and happy.
The problem was, despite the confidence I felt about Ryan’s feelings for me, I couldn’t shake the pr
emonition that something bad was about to happen. Things were going too well. I had due reason not to trust the laws of nature—I’d been screwed over one too many times. For someone who was innately intuitive, sometimes I was also an idiot and in denial about a good many things … Intuition and denial were not a good working combination.
After several heartbreaks, I knew I had developed a complex. I was confident when it came to my career, but I lacked confidence in my relationships. That was my MO. I really wanted to believe that this time would be different. My subconscious supported this time as different and was constantly reminding me that it’s nothing to worry about. It’s Ryan. He won’t screw you over. He’s the one you’ve been looking for your entire life.
If I was upset merely because Ryan was having dinner with Catherine right now, then I was just being a jealous fool. Rationalization or not, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more than a casual dinner going on. As I relaxed in my bath, I came to the conclusion that I would go mad if I tried to make any more sense out of my premonition. There was no point in worrying about something that hasn’t happened.
Normally when I felt this anxious, I would go for a run. Running always cleared my head. Given that I was in the middle of a bath, getting sweaty and dirty again probably wasn’t the best idea.
I opted for more wine instead. After drying off, I covered myself in a subtle rosemary mint body lotion and pulled on one of Ryan’s t-shirts. I breathed in his scent and it immediately made me feel closer to him. I poured another glass of wine and cozied myself up on the sofa, picking up the next chapter of my book.
Just when the Tri-wizard Tournament was announced, I heard the door buzzer. It was still early, only 8:30. Ryan was back earlier than I expected. I took this as good news; obviously he didn’t feel the need to stay in Catherine’s company longer than he intended.