Nerd Girl

by Lee, Sue

  “Hi, babe,” I said as I opened the door.

  Ryan gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. It wasn’t the overly enthusiastic greeting I’ve become use to, but I tried not to let my disappointment show.

  “Hi,” he replied. He gave me small smile, but it never reached his eyes.

  “So, how did it go?” I asked nonchalantly.

  “Fine,” he said, but then his face actually contorted into a grimace.

  “Okkaaaay,” I replied cautiously. “That great, huh?”

  Ryan was silent. He looked uneasy. His lips were pressed together in a tight line. “Do you mind if we talk about it later?”

  “Yeah, sure.” I wasn’t sure exactly what to say, but if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to force him. There was an awkward silence. I could only come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to talk about it with me. I was too wimpy to call him on it, fearing I would sound like a jealous, overbearing girlfriend.

  I could tell he wasn’t in his usual good mood and he was obviously distracted from whatever happened at dinner. The awkwardness was a first for us and I didn’t like how it was bringing out my insecurities. Did Catherine tell him something to make him rethink his decision about their engagement? Maybe he saw her tonight and realized he was still in love with her. I knew I was jumping to conclusions; I just needed to take a moment and calm down. As much as it was going to kill me to not say anything, I needed to respect his privacy and let it go for now. I bit my tongue, honored his request, and gave him the space he needed. Instead of asking him any further questions, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie on Netflix.

  We opted for a Steve Carell romantic comedy with the added bonus of Ryan Gosling as one of his co-stars. As soon as we were on the sofa, we lay down together, his arms tight around me. Even though his mood was still off kilter, at least he wanted to be near me physically. I took comfort in his strong embrace as he squeezed his arms more securely around my waist and nuzzled his face into my hair.

  We spooned on the sofa during the movie; his free hand softly moving up and down my arm giving me goosebumps. But unlike me, he wasn’t laughing in all the right parts. He was obviously still distracted from his earlier time with Catherine.

  Unable to stand it any longer, I spoke up. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  He removed his arm from my waist and sat up. He looked at me with a grave expression on his face. I sat up, too, and met his gaze. I was worried now and my expression mirrored his. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach. Why did I always think the worst?

  “Catherine found a lump in her breast,” he said somberly.

  What? That wasn’t what I expected him to say.

  “She had a biopsy on it yesterday. She’ll get the results on Monday.” He paused, waiting for me to digest this information.

  “Oh my God,” I blurted. I wanted to say more, to ask questions, but I could only stare blankly, my eyes blinking, making sure I heard him right. Earlier in the week, when Mia and I passed her on the stairs, I recalled Catherine saying she had a doctor appointment, because she was cancelling her team meeting, but my brain never went to cancer.

  “She asked me to come with her to her appointment on Monday,” Ryan continued in a soft, even voice.

  I let out a long breath. I realized he wasn’t asking for my permission. It was a foregone conclusion and he was just telling me about it. I should be glad that he was being honest with me about everything, but why was I uncomfortable with it? I was being petty and immature and I needed to stop. Any feelings of discomfort I might have about this, didn’t compare to what Catherine was going through.

  I nodded. “Okay, then that’s what you need to do.”

  “I’m sorry, Julia. I want to respect the boundaries of our new relationship, but I need to be there for her on Monday.”

  This comment made me suddenly look up at him in protest.

  “Wait a minute!” I pushed away from him. “If you think I’m upset about this, you’re wrong.” I spoke with conviction and I meant it. “Don’t worry about me. I’m not the one who has an unknown lump in my body. Of course you need to be there for her.”

  Ryan let out a deep breath, sounding relieved. “Thanks for being so understanding.”

  “No, I’m serious. You need to be there for her. I wouldn’t love you if you were the type of person who would say no to a request like this,” I said in afterthought.

  I could tell he was warring with his need to be there for Catherine and his need to support my feelings. His sensitivity to me only made me love him more. I couldn’t fault him for him wanting to be there for Catherine. I would be there for Andrew if he asked me to.

  Cancer. Shit. This sort of stuff was different. Admittedly, the petty part of me harbored a small bit of jealousy that Ryan would be with Catherine. I couldn’t help it. But no doubt about it, I had to suck it up. I squashed any selfish feelings. Sometimes there were just more important things.

  We didn’t finish the movie. Ryan wanted to go to bed. I rested my head in the crook of his arm and we laid there together in silence. I knew this was weighing heavy on his mind.

  “Do you want to talk about it?” I asked quietly.

  “No, not just now.” Instead of saying anything further, he took my arm and pulled it over his torso. It was his non-verbal queue that he wanted me close.

  He was scared. He’s had so much loss in his life already. And regardless of the position I held in Ryan’s life right now, the person closest to him besides his family might have cancer. He was worried that another person he loves is going to leave him.

  I knew there were no words I could say right now that would comfort him. So, I did the only thing I knew I could do that would make him feel better. I held him tightly until he fell asleep.

  Tonight was the first night since Ryan and I had been together that we didn’t make love.

  For the rest of the weekend, Ryan was relatively normal. It was as if he had carefully tucked away the Catherine chapter in a pocket somewhere. He didn’t bring it up again and neither did I. Things were in a delicate balance, though. It was precarious. If we talked about it, we would need to face the possibility of Catherine having cancer. I didn’t want my thoughts to go there and I didn’t think Ryan wanted to, either; if we ignored it, then maybe it wasn’t really happening and it would all go away.

  All new relationships have a pivotal moment when it was determined if you moved forward together as an established couple or the relationship went off on a tangent. Sometimes you recognized it due to an event or catalyst of some sort, other times it wasn’t so obvious. If you veered off, it became really difficult to get back on track. Projects at work were like this, too. You were constantly trying to catch up and patch the little spots that were bleeding out. When Ryan told me about Catherine’s biopsy, there was an undertone to Ryan’s mood that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. I couldn’t help thinking that this was our fork in the road. I just wasn’t sure which direction we were going to take.

  Sunday night, Ryan made love to me with an emotional intensity that surprised me. After we both climaxed, we laid on our sides facing each other, his nose and forehead touching mine.

  “I love you so much, Julia,” he said quietly. His voice had cracked. For a fleeting moment, I thought I saw sadness reflected in his eyes, or maybe it was just the intensity of the moment.

  “I love you, too, Ryan,” I whispered back.

  Normally, whenever he told me he loved me; I melted into him and felt warm tingles go through my body. Tonight, there was something in the intensity of his lovemaking and the rawness of his emotions that left me disquieted. In fact, it scared the shit out of me. My chest tightened with unease. Even though I believed Ryan loved me, we had only been together for a month. Was our relationship strong enough to endure the ups and downs of this unknown journey? Was it ready to be tested?

  It was a little after ten in the morning on Monday. The reason the time was significant was because R
yan was sitting with Catherine right now at Seattle Cancer Care Alliance, waiting for the news that might change all of our lives. I knew I was a minor character in this unfolding drama, but a character regardless—I was Ryan’s girlfriend. If Catherine was sick, it would affect him and, in turn, it would affect me. I just didn’t know yet to what extent.

  I worked from home again today because frankly, it didn’t matter if I went into the office or not. No one was paying any attention and it wasn’t like it mattered anymore. I hadn’t heard back from the OEM team, which wasn’t too much of a surprise. Who wanted to hire an HR issue? I saw an email come in from Beth Howe this morning. Beth led the IT team that I had my second informational meeting with last week. I had worked with her previously in a different capacity, so despite the odd circumstances of my position change, from a professional perspective, she knew what I was capable of and trusted that I would be fine in her group. She wanted to pursue next steps and set me up for a formal loop. The reality of it, though, was that I wasn’t all that excited. I had left IT for bigger and better things, and the idea of returning to it was sort of depressing. I replied with an excuse for more time, deciding to hold her off and hedge my bets a bit longer.

  I glanced at the clock; only ten minutes had gone by since the last time I checked. I was going to go nuts. To quell my anxiety, I decided to go for a run. I drove down to the waterfront and parked my car just off of the Magnolia Bridge. It was nearly eleven o’clock by now. I checked my phone, but there was still no text or email from Ryan. I huffed out a breath in my own impatience and tossed the phone onto the passenger side front seat. After doing my pre-run stretches, I headed out along Myrtle Bay running path towards downtown.

  I’ve always loved running for more than just its physical health benefits. For me, running was a stress reliever. I didn’t have to think about anything at all; I could just be in the zone and let it numb me for a while. After all of the adrenaline was used up, my body was fatigued in a satiated way and the endorphins released from the run always made me feel a bit better about the world. If I wasn’t zoning out, I did the opposite. Running allowed me time to think uninterrupted. I logged a lot of miles planning my next career move, solving difficult problems at work, and thinking about my relationships.

  Today, as much as I wanted to zone out, I used my running time to think about what would happen if Catherine really were sick. I had a really bad feeling about this. Ryan sort of freaked me out last night. After our intense lovemaking session, he held me close all night. It was almost as if he were saying goodbye to me. I slept restlessly last night, and the tighter he held me, the more concerned I became.

  I tried to shake the negative thoughts from my head. I was jumping to conclusions. If Catherine’s sick, then I couldn’t help wondering how hard this would be on him, on us. I wondered if this would hurt our relationship. What was the worst that could happen?

  I halted my steps. God, I was so damn selfish. I already knew what the worst case scenario was. It wasn’t that our relationship would end; the worst case scenario was that Catherine could be really sick and die. I was focusing on entirely the wrong thing. The real test was how I would stand up to this challenge. That’s what would define whether or not our relationship would survive.

  I wouldn’t lose Ryan–he loved me and I had no reason to believe otherwise. Knowing that, I resolved that we would make it through this together. He would be there for Catherine and I would be there for him–no matter what. Catherine needed the people she loved by her side. I would support Catherine, even if it meant I needed to wait to have all of Ryan.

  I knew I couldn’t expect Ryan to call me immediately after Catherine’s appointment. I rationalized to myself that if the news was good, and the lump ended up being just a cyst or a benign calcification, and Ryan would call me or leave me a text telling me that everything was okay. In fact, he might be doing that right now—my phone could have a text or voicemail message waiting for me.

  If the news was bad, though, he might not call or text me for a while. He would likely call me later in the afternoon, once he had digested the news. He might be in the process of giving Catherine some much-needed emotional support. She might be crying in his arms right now. The thought of her needing him and holding him close for comfort brought up a jealous surge of feelings. I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way and I hated myself for it.

  As I headed back to my car, I took my time stretching out my tired muscles and replenishing my body with water. I checked my phone and the clock. It was almost noon and there were no messages. Despite feeling overheated from my workout, the hair on my neck rose. No news, in this case, meant bad news.

  By the end of the day, I still hadn’t heard from Ryan. I knew something was horribly wrong. Could they still be at the cancer center? I desperately wanted to call him, but if I did and he was still with Catherine, it would be intrusive. I was the reason that they broke up in the first place. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate any intrusion from me, even via phone, on what she probably thought of as the worst day of her life.

  I got online and did a little bit of creative spy work. When I logged back onto the corporate network, I checked to see if Ryan’s IM status icon was set to green for available or yellow for away. His status icon was without color, which meant he wasn’t online.

  In the short time we had been together, he had never not called when he said he would. I was starting to panic. After dinner, I gave in and finally decided to call him. The phone rang several times and then routed me to voicemail. His recorded voice sounded smooth and beautiful.

  “Hi, it’s me.” Okay, I’ll keep it short and simple. “I just wanted to see how things went today. Call me when you get a chance. Love you. Bye.”

  I went to bed with an ill feeling in my stomach. I finally drifted off to sleep and woke up early, before my alarm even went off. I looked over at my phone and saw a text from Ryan. Oh, thank God. He must’ve texted me after I went to bed.

  Ryan: Sorry for not calling back last night. I’ll try to catch up with you tomorrow.

  He might as well have just given me the weather report for about as interesting and insightful as his message was. I knew it was just a freakin’ text and I shouldn’t read too much into it, but it was without any emotion. There was no mention of Catherine. There was no sweet note or sign of affection. Nothing.

  Later that day, Ryan still hadn’t reached out to me. He hadn’t texted me, emailed me, or left me a voice message. He wasn’t on IM. I knew I was obsessing over it; I checked nearly every hour to see if he was in the office or online. I even checked with his admin to inquire about his schedule and learned that he had cancelled his meetings today and tomorrow for a “family emergency.”

  By Wednesday morning, after another restless night and more radio silence from Ryan, I was a mess. I also knew, with certainty, that Catherine had cancer.

  Ryan and I hadn’t been together for very long, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew when someone was avoiding me. It was no longer just about giving him some space to deal with whatever emotions he might be working through. For some reason, he didn’t want to see me nor talk to me. He was shutting me out. I could speculate for hours on end why this might be the case, but I knew I would go insane thinking any further about why he was behaving the way he was. So I reminded myself that Ryan loved me. He was in shock. He still cared about Catherine and that was something he never denied. I just needed to tell him that I would be there for him while he was there for Catherine. It was time for me to confront Ryan and understand how I fit into it all. He couldn’t avoid me forever.

  Without giving Ryan a heads up, I drove over to his place. He lived a mere eleven blocks west of me, so it took me only a few minutes. If he wasn’t home, then I would wait. For a short moment, I wondered if I was bordering on stalker-like behavior, but I shoved that thought away. I deserved to know what was going on. If it affected Ryan, then it affected me, too. I had every right to be here. If he was avoiding me intentional
ly, I deserved to know the reasons why.

  It was 7:45 and I could tell he was home because his lights were on. I paused and took a deep breath as I walked up his driveway towards the front stairs. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to expect behind the door, because I didn’t know exactly why he was avoiding me. I steeled myself to be prepared for anything. I needed to be strong and go in there with my head held high.

  By the time I got to the top of the stairs, Ryan was already opening the door. He must’ve seen me drive up. He looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and tired and he looked like he hadn’t shaved today. His hair stuck up like it did when he ran his hands through it. He wore his favorite old pair of jeans, the one with the small hole at the knee, and a wrinkled white t-shirt. Despite his haggard appearance, I thought he was beautiful and in just two days I’d missed him so much.

  “Hey,” he said quietly and gave me a shaky little smile. This wasn’t one of the sexy, casual, or seductive smiles I’d gotten used to. There was no hug or kiss like he normally greeted me with. He had both hands in the front pockets of his jeans and his shoulders were hunched, his eyes uncomfortably shifty. He looked like a little boy who knew he had done something wrong.

  “You look so guilty,” I blurted out and tried smiling. I intended to sound like I was teasing him, but his face fell flat and I knew this conversation wasn’t going to go well. I started to feel my stomach churn.

  He moved to the side of the doorway, which was his gesture to let me in. He closed the door behind me and I stood uncomfortably in the foyer, not knowing where to go or what to do.

  When I turned around, he was standing inches from me. He was so close I could feel the warmth radiating off of his body. I wanted to lean into him so badly and have him just hold me and kiss me like it was the most natural thing on earth for us to do. I could see his restraint, though, which was strange in itself. I could sense he wanted to touch me, but something told me not to reach out for him right now.