by Lee, Sue
Accountability was important to me, so I didn’t blame anyone other than myself. Now that I was facing the reality of my current predicament, it was up to me to manage how to pick myself back up and turn it into something positive. The success of my career had always been a big part of my self-esteem, so putting myself through another interview process for jobs that I had no interest in was something that I couldn’t do. I no longer had the heart to pursue another FTE role and then pretend that nothing ever happened.
Dexter wasn’t the one that convinced me to leave MS. I’d been toying with the idea for months now, even before I met Ryan. I had even mentioned it to Ryan. Dexter just reminded me that I really had nothing to lose and only the nervous excitement of unknown opportunities to gain.
I had decent savings in my bank and investment accounts and my resume was solid. The timing of my departure also coincided nicely with MS’s annual bonus and stock awards payout. Since I had such a great review this past year in my old group, MS had just deposited thirty thousand dollars in combined stock awards and bonus payment to me. This would last me for several months and beyond. Yup. MS will work your ass off. But if you get a high review score, they do reward you nicely. For whatever reason, if I couldn’t find a vendor role at MS to kick off my consulting practice, then I felt confident that I would have no problem finding another role at a different company. Besides, if I was forced into a short break from the corporate rat race, well … it certainly wouldn’t be the worst thing to happen this year.
On Tuesday morning, I took the steps I needed to formally set up my own small business. I even scheduled a visit to my accountant to help me with the financial aspects of acquiring a tax ID and business accounts.
By the end of the week, I had tied up all of my MS loose ends. I sent out a farewell email to my colleagues and to those who had an influenced and assisted me in my career at MS over the years. Of course, I received email replies and IMs from all of my teammates. Mia was completely floored and demanded we meet up for dinner this week. I smiled to myself; despite everything, I was glad to know that she and I would remain friends. I cc’ed Catherine and Stephanie, but neither of them reached out to me. I figured Catherine would inform Ryan.
The following week, I contacted Beth Howe and asked if she was willing to take me on as a contractor. She hadn’t found any other candidates that she was thrilled with and she knew that her headcount would be taken away if she didn’t fill the position soon. Having a contractor immediately available to do the much-needed work in the interim would be a quick and easy way for her to keep the ship afloat. Beth was looking to hire me as the Field Readiness Manager for Sales and Marketing IT, which basically meant that I would train the field on sales and marketing systems and processes. It wasn’t the most exciting role, but it felt good knowing that it was an initial means to an end.
She knew my reputation and had confidence in my abilities, so she decided to hire me for a six-month contract. The best part was that the contract had potential for more work beyond what I was originally hired for. I told Beth I would ask around, knowing fully well that this was the perfect opportunity for me to get others on board to sub-contract through me. By doing this, I could earn 10-20% of their bill rate in exchange for finding them the contract job. The average Program Manager bills about $100/hr. or $4000 a week. If you do the math @ 10%, I would earn an additional $400/week through their sub-contract. Now imagine if I someday had 100 of them. This opportunity with Beth would allow me to essentially start my own consulting company—exactly what I wanted.
We agreed to my start date of mid next week and when she asked me which consulting company I was working for so that she could start processing my purchase order, I was floored to tell her to put down “Hayes Consulting.” She mentioned that IT only used preferred, established consulting companies, but since she knew I was uniquely qualified for the role, an exception could be made.
I officially had my first contract, under the name of my new company. It felt great.
“Mmm … they have the best croissants here,” Anna murmured as she rolled her eyes up into her head, savoring her first bite. “Shame they’re so fattening.” It didn’t stop her from finishing her croissant and yes; she actually licked her fingers.
Like she had anything to worry about.
I sipped my coffee and took another bite of my own ham and cheese croissant. Yes, this place was by far the best bakery in the city. I heard the owner was trained at a world-renowned school in France. I believed it. I gazed up at the walls, where several pictures of French cafes were framed and hung. No doubt these pictures were supposed to give customers the feeling that they were sitting in one of those authentic bakeries in Paris.
“Speaking of fattening foods, you should eat another one. You’ve lost some weight,” Anna pointed out.
“And that’s bad because …?”
“I’m just worried about you, Jules.” Anna’s eyes narrowed. “I mean, you quit your job, which is kind of a big deal for you.”
“I have a job. I told you, I’m officially my own company,” I said, sounding bored. It wasn’t worth arguing with Anna to convince her that this wasn’t just a temp job from some body-shop agency.
“You don’t eat,” she continued.
“I’m eating a very fattening ham and cheese croissant right now. Next topic.”
“You’re being anti-social. You don’t go out with anybody.”
“I hang out with you and Ethan all the time.”
“We don’t count. We’re newlyweds and frankly, we haven’t had much time alone since you got back from London,” she said, narrowing her eyes at me.
What she was saying was true. I’d been spending most of my evenings at Anna’s house. I would eat dinner with them and then head home afterwards. I just didn’t want to be alone because whenever I had too much solitary time, my thoughts took me to a place I didn’t want to be reminded of. It was those quiet times alone when I missed Ryan the most. My heart would ache so much it physically hurt and felt like I couldn’t breathe.
“You guys dated for five years, you’ve had plenty of time to be alone,” I said dryly. I only said this because I knew she really didn’t mind that I was coming over all the time. It was just her attempt at trying to get me to be more social with others.
“All you do is run and work,” Anna continued.
I nodded. “Yup.”
Anna studied me and then finally blew out an exasperated breath. “Okay, fine. Next topic. I have someone I’d like to set you up with. He works in Ethan’s office. I met him at a dinner party when you were in London. He’s thirty-two and totally hot. He used to play soccer at the UW. I thought I would wait a few weeks before springing him on you.” She had a mischievous grin on her face. “What do you think about a double date next weekend?”
My eyes widened and I looked at her incredulously. “Are you serious? It’s only been six weeks and I’ve been dumped twice this year! That at least allows me a few months to wallow in my own misery and spend a lot of money on random things and not think about men … at all!” I argued angrily. “I don’t need another rejection right now. If you haven’t figured it out yet, my ego is at an all-time low. So no! Totally no!” I exclaimed emphatically. I mean, was she really that clueless about my current state of mind? Of course she was. That was Anna for you; the girl who had never been dumped.
“Well, that’s just it, Jules. There’s nothing better to boost your ego than a rebound guy. It doesn’t have to be serious. Just flirt, get laid, have some fun, feel attractive again. I mean, your new hairdo is awesome and sexy. You look great, so just get out there again.”
“Anna, you just need to lay off for a while on this, okay? I’m serious. I’m not ready yet,” I whined.
“Jules, you’re turning into a hermit. You’re twenty-nine years old. These are your prime dating years. Remember your work back schedule?”
“Ugh! Seriously, Anna, do you really have to remind me of—”
Just then, Anna’s ey
es bulged and practically doubled in size. I stopped talking and turned my head to follow her gaze. Ryan was walking into the cafe.
He noticed Anna first, since she was the one facing the door. The bakery café wasn’t large. It had only eight small tables and a bar of chairs facing a counter along a windowed wall. There were some sofas near the back of the café, but we weren’t sitting there. We were sitting in one of the tables near the front of the cafe. Anna and I were hard to miss. It only took a split second for Ryan to realize that I was sitting across from Anna.
When our eyes met, it was as if time had stopped and there was some vortex tunnel between Ryan and me. Every sound and sensory stimulation just got sucked out of it and there was only the two of us. Ryan was obviously taken by surprise and stood frozen. The gaping hole in my chest took on a heartbeat again. It started thumping so loudly I was afraid the whole cafe could hear it. Then the vortex disappeared as fast as it arrived. Catherine entered my field of vision as she trailed in the door a few seconds behind him. She halted when she realized who Ryan was staring at.
I turned back around quickly and started to breathe shallow, pained breaths. I couldn’t believe this was happening. I should’ve known this was going to happen at some point. Sometimes Queen Anne felt like a small neighborhood; I was always bumping into people I knew. I looked at Anna, panicked.
“Wow … this is awkward,” Anna mumbled under her breath.
It was 9:30 in the morning, so they must’ve come from Ryan’s home, together. I tried to wipe images of their morning out of my mind.
Even though Catherine was sick, she still looked fabulous. In the cool October weather, she was bundled in cream cashmere sweater which she wore over body hugging skinny jeans, her beautiful, long blond hair cascading over her shoulders. Without thinking, I automatically touched one hand up to my hair, reminding myself that my long brown hair was no longer there. It made me feel that much more awkward and self-conscious.
“He’s coming over here,” Anna whispered.
Before I could turn my head, Ryan was standing next to our table. I glanced up at him slowly and just a little anxiously. He gazed at me with what I thought were my mirrored emotions. Inside, I felt so happy to see him but I had to restrain myself from jumping up and hugging him. At the same time, seeing him brought me instant sadness and pain. He looked heartbreakingly beautiful and I ached to touch him. Looking at him made me feel like my heart was breaking all over again.
“Hi, Julia,” he said softly. He nodded to Anna to acknowledge her presence.
Anna responded by giving him her death glare.
“How are you?” he asked, ignoring Anna and refocusing on me.
“Good,” I replied, overly cheerful. The pitch of my voice sounded too high.
There was a short awkward silence.
“I noticed you weren’t in the GAL anymore. Did you leave MS?” he asked almost accusingly.
I was surprised that Catherine hadn’t mentioned anything to him about my farewell email. I wondered if he had tried to email me at some point. If so, his email would’ve been returned undeliverable.
He had his Mad Men black framed glasses on, but he looked tired and I could see faint dark circles under his eyes. I could tell he hadn’t been sleeping well. I wondered if I looked the same. I hadn’t paid much attention in the mirror lately. He wore jeans and a long sleeve shirt the same blue as his eyes, which only intensified his already piercing gaze when he looked at me.
“Yeah, I did.” My voice cracked and I cleared my throat. “I decided it was best considering the circumstances.”
His eyes grew inquisitive, encouraging me to continue.
“I got a contract with IT.” So you really shouldn’t worry about me. Why did I feel the need to make him feel better?
“Which company?”
“My own,” I said proudly with a little smile. “Hayes Consulting.” This momentarily brought about flashbacks of our weekend in the San Juans and our almost naked cooking session when I had shared with my plans to start my own consulting company.
A warm and genuine smile spread across his face. He took my breath away. “That’s really great, Julia. Congratulations. I’m glad you decided to do that.” There was more awkward silence before he added, “You changed your hair.” His hand lifted slightly and then twitched, as if he were about to reach out and touch it, but then stopped himself. “You look beautiful, as always.”
Feeling self-conscious, I touched my short locks and tucked a loose strand behind my ear. “Thanks,” I said quietly.
He was doing that thing again where I could tell he was thinking about what to say, but unsure about what to verbalize. His expression went from uncertainty to resignation to overwhelming sadness. Looking at him was painful and my eyes started welling up. I had to look away and I found myself staring at Catherine in the distance.
“So, how is Catherine doing?” I asked as I watched at her waiting by the cash register.
“She starts chemo next week.”
“Oh.” That’s why her hair still looked so beautiful. I instantly felt guilty. I was a horrible person.
“But she’s got a strong and positive attitude about it all,” he said with reverence and subtle pride.
Catherine chose that moment to walk over. “Hi, Julia,” she said cautiously.
“How are you, Catherine?” It was more an inquiry about her health than anything else.
“I’ve been better,” she said almost lightheartedly and even chuckled to herself. “But I’m feeling pretty good, really.”
“Good, I’m glad to hear it.” And I was. No matter what pain and hurt lay between Ryan and me, it didn’t compare to what Catherine was going through. Whatever comfort she could find in her long journey towards better health, I really, truly wanted for her. I struggled daily not to be bitter about how her condition impacted my personal life, but it was never about wishing ill thoughts for Catherine and her health. It was just a shitty situation. Dealing with it was my problem now, not hers.
“Um, we better get going, Ryan. Everyone’s waiting for us,” Catherine reminded him gently.
“It’s my mom’s birthday today,” Ryan said. “We’re meeting at her house for brunch.”
That explained why they had stopped into the bakery. I knew he couldn’t know this, but the simple act of going to his mother’s house to celebrate her birthday actually caused a dull ache in my chest. It hurt to see him doing this seemingly normal thing with Catherine, whom I knew had a very close relationship with his mom. I would never get to build my own relationships with his family; Catherine would always hold that position. They had spent all morning together and probably woke up in bed together, too.
Lightly touching his arm, Catherine said, “I’ll wait for you outside.”
Before leaving, Catherine looked between Ryan and me for an extended moment. I thought I saw sadness and something in her eyes I couldn’t quite identify. It wasn’t malicious, unkind, or jealous. My eyes followed her as she exited the café and it hit me—it was regret that I saw in her gaze.
Ryan said my name, which brought me back to attention. I met his gaze, still perplexed by the expression I had seen on Catherine’s face.
“Julia, I want you to know that … well … I’m not with Catherine like you might be thinking.”
His comment took me by surprise. Are there different types of “with” I don’t know about? Does he mean with like the biblical “with”?
“Oh,” I said, realizing that my face must have revealed my thoughts. “Okay …”
“Anyways, I just needed to let you know that.” He brushed his fingers into his hair and I couldn’t help noticing how it caused some of his hair to stick up in an adorable messy way.
We continued gazing at each other, neither of us wanting to move or say the wrong thing. He pressed his lips tight together and nodded his head as if he had just given himself an internal pep talk. He bent down and lightly kissed my cheek, then whispered under his breath into my
ear, “I love you.”
It was so softly spoken, I wasn’t sure I even heard it or if it was in my imagination. Before I could react, he had turned around and walked away.
“Is he gone?” I asked Anna breathlessly.
She nodded. I started shaking and then my tears finally welled over. I squeezed my eyes shut and began to cry. I was vaguely aware of Anna holding one of my hands. My shoulders shook and I broke down right there in the middle of the café, hoping to God he didn’t walk back in and see me.
I had tried so hard to be so strong these last six weeks. I had tried everything in my arsenal in hopes of not thinking about him or being reminded of the hole in my heart that he had left. One run in with him completely broke me down. I didn’t know how or if my heart would ever recover.
Monday night after work, I went for a run on my most convenient running trail, which coincidentally took me past Ryan’s house. For the record, this had been my running trail ever since I moved to Queen Anne, long before I even knew the illustrious Ryan McGraw. I ran west on Highland Drive, one of the most exclusive blocks in the city. Where the road ended and turned into Eighth Avenue, there was an overpass. If you looked down over it, you would see his house. I had been avoiding this route since we had broken up, but today I decided to take my old path out of pure spite. I was no longer going to let him have any influence on my life, even if it was just a goddamn running trail.
After seeing him Saturday morning, I had let myself mourn once more for him. I didn’t hold back and I let the emotions run through me. I cried it all out all day. Anna came back home with me and kept me company through the late evening. She did my nails and we ordered takeout and watched chick flicks through the rest of the day and evening. She got me ice cream from Molly Moon’s, but the salted caramel did little to assuage the emptiness in my chest.
On Sunday, I felt a new resolve. I had finally reached the anger stage of mourning Ryan McGraw. It was the, “I love you” crap he pulled that pissed me off. How dare he say that to me after everything he’d put me through? If he really loved me, he would’ve walked away and allowed me to continue the mending of my heart.