by Lee, Sue
I was done. I told Anna to set up our double date with the hot ex-soccer player guy from Ethan’s office. I would focus on my new job with a renewed energy. Ryan was a bump in the road on my journey through life. Well, okay, maybe he was a major sinkhole, but, six weeks post Ryan, I finally felt like I was starting to come out of the darkness. I jumpstarted my career again and I was moving on without him. I made it through the worst part and I had no intention of ever going back to that dark, sad place again.
I knew I was a person that possessed what I called internal fortitude. I had always been good about doing whatever I told myself that I would do. When I set a goal for myself, I usually achieved it. I just needed to reach that pivotal point in both heart and mind that said it was time to do it and then I would move forward with whatever it was. I would put everything I had into it; I did nothing half-assed. Well, I had finally reached that pivotal point. If I hadn’t seen Ryan the other day, I’m not sure I would’ve reached it so quickly. In a way, running into him was really a good thing, because it gave me the kick I needed to get my head out of my ass.
The clouds were low this evening; I could feel the October chill in the air and the smell of rain that hadn’t started to fall yet. The leaves, in mixed colors of red, yellow, brown, and orange, were starting to collect along the gutters. As I found myself running past his home, I started running faster, spurred on by my anger. I didn’t look over the bridge. I just ran until I was well past the opportunity of looking back, literally and figuratively. As I ran the final stretch back home, the rain started to fall. Before going inside, I stretched and took in a deep, cleansing breath. I was ready to close the fissure in my heart, lock it up nice and tight, and throw away the key.
I heard the answering machine click off as I walked into my condo. Someone had just left a message. “You have one new message,” the automated voicemail prompt said. I pushed the button, bracing myself for a call from my mother, who loved to leave long lectures on the answering machine.
“Hi, Julia, it’s me, Ryan.”
I stopped mid hamstring stretch.
“Um, listen, I really need to talk to you. Call me back when you get a chance, okay? All right, bye.”
Well … fuck me. I plunked down onto one of my dining room chairs and just sat there, numb, staring out the window. If there was a heaven, someone up there was having a real field day with me. Hearing his recorded voice was jarring and it left me dumbfounded. He sounded … uncertain. He probably just wanted to try to be friends. I rolled my eyes. What an awful consolation prize that would be.
My stomach was churning. I exhaled a deep breath and took a moment to steel my resolve. Before my cool numbness wore off, I deleted his message and breathed a sigh of relief. Done. I was just going to behave like that hadn’t just happened, because I wasn’t going there again.
Two days later, he called again, this time he left a voicemail on my cell phone. I had been in morning meetings when he called and this time, I chose not to listen to the message at all. I deleted it as soon as I saw that it was from him. Why torture myself?
By Friday afternoon, I hadn’t heard back from him. I guess two attempts were enough for him. A part of me was disappointed; the other part felt pure relief. I’d be crazy if I didn’t admit that some part of me still got some satisfaction out of the fact that I was still on his mind, even if it was to just be friends.
I looked at the Seattle traffic report before heading home for the day. The internet map showed all red and black. Ugh. The rain really started coming down outside and I ended up sitting in traffic for over an hour. It royally sucked.
When I got home, I parked my building’s underground garage and thanked my lucky stars it existed so I didn’t have to walk through the monsoon. As I walked up the stairs and into the hallway, I saw Ryan sitting and waiting for me in front of my door. After a long, bleary-eyed commute, I thought I was seeing things. When I realized who it was, I was confused as to how he got in the building until I remembered that I had given him my building door code. He sat with his back against my door and with his arms resting on his bent knees. When he noticed me, he quickly stood up.
I didn’t greet him. I found myself in defensive mode. “What do you want?” I asked bluntly.
“Hi, Julia, can we go inside and talk?” he asked a little nervously. Ryan was rarely the nervous type, so I felt a little smug knowing I still had some power over him.
I glared at him. I resented him for prolonging this thing between us; I just wanted him to let it go. I let him in because I just wanted to get this over with. I opened the door without glancing at him further and walked into my home, leaving the door open for him to follow me. I wasn’t going to make this easy for him.
I stood in the foyer, hoping this would be quick. My condo suddenly felt small. His tall body and broad shoulders seemed to take up most of the space in my entryway. I took a couple of steps back to get some distance. The close proximity to him was unnerving. The quick anger and shock I felt at seeing him in front of my door was already starting to wear off, swiftly replaced by uncertainty and fear.
“You haven’t returned any of my messages,” he said accusingly. His eyes had become hard.
My lips pressed into a thin line. “What do you want, Ryan?” I asked again.
This wasn’t starting out well. I exhaled a long, deep breath. He looked down and pressed his lips together, struggling to figure out how to start or what to say.
“I fucked up,” he said frankly. “I royally fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me.” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “I’m sorry, Julia. I wanted to tell you that I’m so sorry, for everything.” His eyes went from being cold and hard to vulnerable and nervous again.
I looked at him impassively. If I moved or said anything, I feared the delicate hold I had on my emotions would come apart and I would become a blubbering mess in front of him.
“I love you, Julia. I think about you every single day, every goddamn minute,” he declared passionately, his face contorted into regret.
His words unleashed the opposite feelings from what I expected. “You can’t say that to me,” I hissed indignantly. “You can’t saunter in here and say those words to me after six weeks of—of doing what you did.”
I angrily shoved past him, moving out of the foyer. Anger was good. It was better than crying. He followed me into the living room. I stood in the far corner of the room with my arms crossed over my chest, making sure I kept some physical distance between us.
His brows were furrowed and his eyes blazing; he looked uncomfortable but determined. “How else do I tell you that I regret what I did? The moment you walked out my door, I knew I had made a horrible mistake. I got scared. I was so used to taking care of Catherine; I just got really freaked out. She made some impulsive and emotional decisions. I did the same.” He rubbed the palm of his hand over his face and took a deep breath.
“Taking care of her and being with you, I know now that those things didn’t have to be mutually exclusive.” His shoulders hung down now in defeat, his voice full of regret. “I know I hurt you deeply. I’m so sorry I couldn’t figure it out then, but I’m here now. I don’t expect things to continue where we left off. All I ask is for another chance at earning your love, Julia.” His voiced cracked at his last words.
My heart clenched and I struggled to get breath into my lungs without him seeing right through me. “Why now, Ryan? Did you get bored? Did running into me the other day provoke something in you?” I couldn’t help the bitterness that seeped through my words.
He ignored my snarky comment. “She’s now at a point mentally and emotionally where she understands what motivated her actions. It doesn’t change the fact that I had given up the one person who mattered most to me in the world … you.”
Damn him. I could feel the tears prickling behind my eyes.
“She’s fighting for her life right now and I intend to be by her side for every minute of it. My unhappiness a
bout you was never part of her plan. She said she had only been thinking about herself. I can’t really blame her for that, though.”
I wanted to continue hating him, but I couldn’t disagree with anything he was saying and I couldn’t pretend that I didn’t understand where Catherine was coming from.
He eyed me carefully, gauging my every reaction. He must’ve seen something encouraging, because he began moving towards me. He wrapped his arms around me in a gentle embrace and my tears welled at his touch.
Any attempt at trying to appear unaffected went out the window when he held me. I inhaled deeply, breathing in his familiar and comforting scent, feeling the warmth of his body and the strength of his arms. I leaned into him and rested my cheek on his chest. I could feel his heart beating underneath. One last time; one last time for me to feel and memorize how it feels to be in his arms. One last time. I heaved a sigh then pushed him reluctantly away.
He tried pulling me in close again but I restrained my arms against him. A sad cry of protest and pain escaped my lips, a plea for him to release me. After putting some distance between us, I turned my face away, my body shaking.
“You’re still doing her bidding. You’re only here because she’s given you her blessing,” I whispered with resentment.
“If she weren’t okay with it, I would still be here, Julia,” he replied vehemently. “This was my mistake, not hers.”
I turned to face him. God, he took my breath away. There was a desperate, sad, and hopeful longing to his expression. It took everything in me to not reach out to him and fall back into his arms. I had to remind myself that he had destroyed everything. My heart had been obliterated by what he had done so quickly and thoughtlessly, without any regard to me. He had the power to completely destroy me at his will. He’d already done it once.
I’d finally built a protective shell around my heart and I was moving forward one step at a time. I had real difficulty believing that I could ever fully trust his love. In the absence of certainty, I wasn’t going to gamble again with him. I’d played and I’d lost. Only an idiot bets on the same risk twice. He would always choose Catherine. It was just the way things were. My heart clenched in agony as I realized what I was about to say.
“I can’t,” I said with resignation and heartache.
“Why?” he demanded.
My face contorted in pain. “My heart can’t handle it. I’m barely recovering as it is. I wouldn’t recover another time,” I whispered, now shaking, trying to hold back and prevent my emotional dam from breaking.
He got in my face and lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him. His eyes burned with intensity. “Julia, I love you.”
I cringed visibly at the sound of his words.
“I know I really screwed things up, but I’m not giving up,” he said with quiet forcefulness. “I’ll wait as long as it takes. I’m not going to let you end us because of my stupidity.”
I started to feel claustrophobic under his fierce gaze. I needed an escape route. I couldn’t bear the pain of being in his presence any longer because a stronger force wanted to give into him and throw caution to the wind. My mind needed to think for my heart. I couldn’t take another calculated risk.
In desperation, I shook his arms off of me and stepped away. “Ryan, you should just go,” I urged him as tears started falling down my cheeks. “I just … I can’t do this,” I whispered, shaking my head. “Please, just go and leave me alone.”
Ryan gazed at me for what seemed like an eternity, unspeaking, with rough intensity and longing. “I think you just need some time to think about it. I’m not going to give up that easily, Julia,” he finally said, quietly and with determination, before he turned and walked out my door.
I blew out a huge breath after his departure, but it wasn’t a sigh of relief. I spent the rest of the night second guessing my decision.
The next morning, I received a call from an unknown number.
“Julia?” The woman’s voice sounded vaguely familiar. “It’s Catherine.”
I sat straight up in my bed, completely taken off guard. Sheesh, when it rained, it poured.
“Oh, hi.” I couldn’t hide the surprise in my voice. Why the hell would she be calling me? “Oh God, did something happen to Ryan?!” I cried. Fear had started pounding through my veins.
“No, no. Nothing’s wrong,” she said quickly. “Or at least something that I’m hoping isn’t too late to fix.”
What? “I’m sorry, um … I don’t mean to be rude, Catherine, but why are you calling me then?”
She took a deep breath before answering. “Julia, I know this is going to sound a little weird and it’s totally out of the blue, but I was wondering if you could meet me for coffee later this morning.”
I was speechless, taken completely off guard by her invitation.
“I … Shit,” she whispered the last word to herself, “I know you must really resent me right now, but I’d like to talk to you about Ryan.”
My decision about Ryan hadn’t changed since yesterday. I wasn’t sure why she wanted to speak to me. I was suspicious of her motives. “I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Catherine. It’s done. It’s over. We don’t need to rehash the details. I really hope—”
“I need to make amends,” she blurted out before I could finish my last sentence. “Please, can we talk in person? The things I have to say, I don’t want to say over the phone.”
“Did he ask you to do this?” I demanded.
“What?” She actually sounded confused. “Um, no, he doesn’t know I’m calling you.”
“Oh,” I said surprised. My curiosity got the best of me, so I relented. “Meet me at Macrina’s at ten?”
“Okay, that sounds good,” Catherine replied. “Thanks, Julia, I’ll see you soon.”
I thought I heard relief in her voice.
I immediately regretted agreeing to meet with her. I sighed in frustration, wondering why I was opening myself up to this again. This door was shut last night and the lock and key were hidden away in a safe place. But there was this sick part of me that was a glutton for punishment and was curious what Catherine could possibly want to say to me. What if Ryan was sending Catherine to speak on his behalf? If that really were the case, then they were perfect for each other. Honestly, though, would he actually have the gall to have Catherine call me just because I turned him down? I didn’t know what to think anymore. I huffed out another frustrated breath and looked at myself one final time in the mirror before I walked out my door.
I arrived at Macrina’s about five minutes after ten. I glanced quickly around the café and found Catherine already seated in the back corner of the room. She immediately spotted me and waved to flag my attention. I nodded towards the barista to let Catherine know that I wanted to order my coffee first. Catherine nodded back in acknowledgement. She looked nervous. She had cut her hair and ironically, it looked a lot like mine. I couldn’t help feeling a little irritated by that. Not to flatter myself or anything, but I wondered if she got the idea from me. Regardless, it irritated me that it looked fabulous on her. Then again, Catherine was one of those women who could wear a bag over her body and she would still make it look beautiful. I was just surprised she had the guts to cut her gorgeous blond hair, since it was a signature trait of hers.
As the barista poured my coffee into a mug, I couldn’t help but remember back to the first time I met Catherine. She exuded confidence, beauty, class, and everything I wanted to be. I would never have predicted the situation we found ourselves in. I guess life was never predictable, no matter how convinced you were that things were going to turn out. One thing I’ve learned is that you can choose how you handle life’s surprises. You can hold onto pain and bitterness or you can choose to take the steps to let it go. Though I fought the emotion every day, I was tired of being bitter about Catherine. It took too much energy.
I wasn’t sure what she wanted to say to me this morning, but for all intents and purposes, we each had an equal ri
ght to be angry with one another. Whatever she needed to say to me, I needed to promise myself to have the strength of character to not be petty and angry anymore. I needed to be a better person for me. I needed to let it go. What she did by asking Ryan to break up with me was wrong and I planned to tell her that, but I’m going to walk away from this with my head held up high. Let her be the one to regret her choices, not me.
I speculated that maybe she was here to apologize. I’d like to think that she was a better person than the lasting perception I was left with. I still wanted her to be that person I so admired when I first met her. Maybe after today, I would understand a bit more about her decisions. Regardless of the part she played in this drama, it didn’t change the fact that Ryan had given in to her requests. I understood this now. He was the one that broke us, not her. He’s the one that gave up on us. No matter what Catherine said, she couldn’t make up for Ryan’s mistakes.
After adding some nonfat milk and a blue sweetener to my coffee, I made my way over to Catherine. We both said our polite hellos and I seated myself across from her. My back was straight and I met her gaze straight on. I wanted to look in her eyes and show her that they hadn’t broken me.
Talk about awkward situations … What in the world does one say to the ex-fiancé of the man you were in love with, who took him away from you after revealing she had a life-threatening illness, after you took him away from her first? It was all borderline tragic romance fiction. Thankfully, she was prepared and I didn’t have to say much to start the conversation.
“Thanks for coming, Julia. I know it’s asking a lot of you, after everything that’s happened.” Unlike the guarded expression on my face, Catherine met my gaze with a sincere look of gratitude. She looked tired this morning, and thin, even under her bulky wool sweater. Maybe it was the new haircut.