Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Kate giving you grief again?”

  I turned all my rage on him. “Why didn’t you tell me Lucas has a girlfriend? I feel like an idiot. This is so fucked up. I just made out with him, Bear. Full on, hardcore made out. We nearly had sex! Oh my God, I’m her,” I threw my hands up in the air. “I’m the other girl. I’m the relationship ruiner. I suck!”

  I hadn’t even realized we were driving until he hit a railroad track and I bounced in my seat. His eyes kept shifting from me to the road. “I… uh… well… he doesn’t really… I mean, I guess…”

  “Spit it out already!” The venom in my voice filled the car.

  “Pump the breaks there, Bird,” he said sternly. “I’m not the one who just made out with you when I had a girlfriend.”

  “So he does have a girlfriend? Unbelievable.” I leaned my head back and turned to look out the window. “And I’m sorry for yelling at you,” I said to the trees that we passed.

  He sighed for a very long time, expelling all his breath. “She’s a girlfriend of sorts. It’s weird. And I’m not sure I even understand it. Remember when I told you that Lucas dates lots of girls?” I nodded. “Well, she’s like his constant. She lives in Alabama now, but still comes back to visit her family every so often. When she’s gone, he does his own thing, and when she comes back, they hang out and I guess act like they’re dating, but he always tells people he’s single. You’ll have to ask him what’s really going on with them.”

  Yeah right. I wasn’t asking him anything. Since she was back, I’m sure he would be spending all his time with her anyway. We wouldn’t be going out tomorrow night. Or ever. He could suck it. I suddenly felt gross. Maybe she thought that they were together and was back in Alabama being completely faithful to him, while he was here living his life as if she meant nothing.

  After we made it home, I went straight to my room and took a long, hot shower. I was channel surfing a few hours later when my phone rang. It was my dad’s house number. I thought about not answering, but realized that maybe he was trying to be more involved in my life, and decided to take the call.

  “Marlowe! It’s me… Juanita.”

  Why was she calling me? “Hey…”

  “I never got the chance to thank you for giving me your Lexus,” she said. “I love it. That was so thoughtful.”

  “Well, it’s not doing any good just sitting in the garage. At least someone is getting some use out of it now.” Like she hadn’t been driving it all along.

  “Yes, well thank you anyway. It means a lot to me. I want you to feel like we can be friends. Now that you know about your father and me, I was hoping we could get together more often. Maybe you can come home over Thanksgiving?”

  This felt weird. Just because I was okay with her dating my dad that didn’t mean I wanted her to become a new staple in my family. If you could even call it a family. “I’ll think about it. If school is going good, maybe I can spare a few days.”

  “Of course, of course.” There was an awkward pause and I was about to tell her bye when she started talking again. “Listen, I’m also calling about your dad.”

  “Yeah…” My chest seized, thinking something might be wrong with him. I couldn’t take losing someone else. “Is he okay?”

  “I don’t know, honey.” Ignoring the endearment, I listened as she continued. “As you know, his heart isn’t the best and he insists on working all the time. Maybe if you told him to take some time off he’d do it.”

  “I’ll call him.” We weren’t close, but I wanted him around for many more years.

  “Thank you,” she said, sounding as if she might have started crying. “He just means so much to me. We’ve been together for over seven years. I don’t want to lose him. He’s all I have left.”

  He was all I had, too, and I felt bad for her. Then my brain caught up and I kept repeating seven years in my head. My mother had died exactly six years and nine months ago. “Seven years, Juanita?”

  “Yes… I… I… I thought…”

  “Seven years?” I cut her off. I couldn’t take this anymore. Was no one capable of being faithful?

  “Marlowe, I’m sorry. Your dad said –”

  “My dad didn’t say anything!” I wanted to break something. “You know what, Juanita? I hope you drive my car off a bridge!” I ended the call and fell back on my bed, clenching my fists. The picture of my mother on my nightstand suddenly looked betrayed and sad. I hugged it to me. She was a good woman and didn’t deserve that. There was no way that I’d be going to Thanksgiving.

  I jumped off my bed and slipped into my sneakers, needing to walk off the anger I was feeling. Once outside, I glared at Lucas’ car across the street. He was home and probably with her. I stormed left, not even knowing where I was going. I just needed to walk. To think.

  It was nearly dark outside when I found a bench by a park and sat down. I realized I hadn’t brought my phone with me and had no idea where I was. It was sad that I didn’t even know the neighborhood I lived in.

  I stared at the trees lining the park, and felt betrayed. And bitter. And angry. Why did this happen? I should never date again. It wasn’t worth it. I thought back to Mark. About how he was my entire world. I relied on him for everything. I’d needed him. He’d made me feel special and beautiful. I bet everything changed in our relationship because he’d starting screwing Samantha. Why would he do that? Why? When he had me, a girl who would have done anything and everything for him right there in his hands? I was glad that we were over, but I still felt betrayed.

  And my dad? Why would he do that? I remember his relationship with my mother. They were great together. You could feel the love flowing between them. They’d always seemed so happy. I remembered their eyes meeting during dinner, small smiles, and special secrets shared as they gripped each other’s hands. She had loved him. She was the mother of his children and he had done that to her. I wondered if she knew. Did she die thinking he was still faithful to her? A sob broke out of my chest. I hoped she did. I hoped her last thoughts were of the love her family had for her.

  Suddenly, it was all too much. I covered my face with my hands and cried. Hard and probably loud. I cried for myself. I cried for my mother. I cried for every girl everywhere who had ever felt the sting of infidelity. By the time I was finished, my chest was heaving and I was gasping for breath. I wiped under my eyes and looked up at the stars, realizing that I’d been out here a long time.

  I shouldn’t have left my phone. That was irresponsible. No one even knew where I was. Before leaving the park, I stood under the sky and decided that commitment was for suckers. There was no point to it. You were either hurt or stuck in a shit relationship, but were too scared to leave because you didn’t know anything else. I was done hurting.

  It took me a while to make it home, but eventually I found my street. I was walking with my head down, checking mailbox numbers periodically to see how far I had left. Once reaching the house next to mine, I looked up.

  There was another car in front of Lucas’ house. It wasn’t parked in the driveway, but in the street, right behind his, blocking it in. Two people were standing by it. The man had his back to me, his arms propped on the side of the hood. The girl was staring up at him longingly. I couldn’t be sure, but she looked pretty. Through the small light of the streetlamp, I could tell that she was thin and had short blonde hair. Next, I heard the man’s deep voice say something to her and she reached up to touch his face. They were about to kiss. I knew it. I didn’t need to see his face to know it was Lucas, and I had no desire to watch him kiss another girl. I had to walk through the streetlight to make it to my house, and I prayed that they wouldn’t look in my direction.

  In my rush, I bumped into my neighbor’s mailbox and froze. I don’t know why I looked over at them. There was some strange sensation compelling me. And of course, they were staring back at me. The girl only for a moment, but Lucas didn’t take his eyes off me. “Sorry,” I muttered and started walking to my house. Out of t
he corner of my eye, I saw him tear away from her and come chasing after me. I sped up.

  “Lucas!” She yelled. “What the hell?”

  I was on my doorstep, and—not wanting this to be more awkward than it already was—hoped that the house was unlocked. The knob gave and I breathed a sigh of relief. In a rush, I went inside and shut the door. He’d only made it to the edge of my yard. Looking out of the blinds, I saw that he’d turned back around and was saying something to the girl. Her hands were flailing everywhere, and I hoped this wouldn’t turn into some type of confrontation. Did she somehow know that we had kissed earlier today? When he walked back to her and they started towards his house, I expelled a breath, making my hair dance in front of my face.

  Just in case, I locked the door before going into the kitchen for a drink of water. The cool sensation was going down my throat as I looked out the window over my kitchen sink. All I saw was my neighbor’s house. It was just their siding, not even a window for me to peer into and see a glimpse of their world. That seemed unfair. I decided that this was my least favorite window. It really served no purpose.

  The front door opened and I jumped. Looking over my shoulder, I saw Lucas strolling into the kitchen. “How did you get in here?” I asked. He held up a key then slid it into his pocket. “Well, if you’re here to see me, you should leave. I have nothing to say to you.”

  “That wasn’t what it looked like,” he said.

  “That’s the second time you’ve said those words to me. I’m thinking you have to say them a lot, to a lot of different girls.”

  “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, shaking his head like I was crazy.

  It made me angry, and I whirled around to fully face him. “Here’s what I know, Lucas. You have a girlfriend that’s hidden away in Alabama. You let strange girls sit on your lap. You let Kate spend the night at your house. You make out with girls in their driveway and act like their ‘clingy’ when they think that there could be something more between you. Oh and how could I forget that you also make out with girls in your bar and then leave to tend to your girlfriend when she calls? Am I missing something? Because to me it seems like, yeah, you say that to a lot of girls.”

  He put a hand against my kitchen island, and used his other to cut through the air with his next words, as if he was slicing something with it. “You. Don’t. Know. What. You’re talking about.”

  I huffed, sounding unimpressed. “I think I know enough.” After taking another sip of my water, I dumped the rest into my sink. “I can’t make it tomorrow night, by the way. Something’s come up.”

  He started walking towards me. “Marzy, she’s not my girlfriend. And all that other stuff is stupid. I don’t have to explain things that happened before I even knew you, or while you were dragging your ass.”

  “Dragging my ass?” I screeched and took my weight off the counter.

  “Yes, dragging your ass. You were into me the first time we met, and kept acting like you didn’t care. It’s not-”

  “I don’t care!” I yelled then made a grunt of frustration, throwing my arms into the air. I was letting this man get to me and I didn’t know why. I’d already decided to be through with him and dating in general. “I’m done with this,” I said with finality and turned to walk away.

  He grabbed me by the waist and pulled me into him. One of his arms went down the length of my back, his hand stopping at my ass. The other reached up to my face. He was going to try to kiss me. For a split second, my legs felt weak, but then I snapped out of it. “Ew! Lucas!” I pushed him off. “You were just out there with your girlfriend, in almost the same position. What kind of girl do you think I am?”

  “She is not my girlfriend!” he bellowed.

  We were staring at each other, and I was trying to figure him out. I didn’t understand any of this and he wasn’t exactly being forth coming. “What is she then?”

  He grimaced. “It’s… complicated.”

  “Then count me out. I don’t want to get involved in your complications. The last thing I need is some girl ready to punch me because of this.”

  He ran his hands through his hair, making it stand up on its ends. He looked wild and frustrated, as if he’d just worked a 70-hour week at a job he hated. His palms linked on the back of his neck and he tilted his head back to lean on them. For a moment, he just stood like that, his eyes closed. Then he opened them and looked down at me. I could see his Adam’s apple bob with each of his slow swallows. “So that’s it,” he said. “You don’t want me to explain?”

  It didn’t matter if he explained. I wasn’t dating him. Or anyone. Instead of looking at him, I looked out my least favorite window and softly said, “You can explain all you like, but I don’t want to date anyone right now. At all. So it doesn’t really matter.”

  He didn’t respond so I turned back to him. The look on his face was intoxicating. In this moment, it felt like I was the only thing that mattered to him. “Come here,” he softly said. Momentarily forgetting everything else, I took a slow step towards him. With his hands still behind his neck, he walked the rest of the way. My fingers reached out and landed on his stomach. Feeling his skin on mine had felt like there was a fire burning through my entire body. And I wanted to feel it again.

  My fingers trailed down his stomach until I reached his belt. I curled them around the top of his jeans as my thumb started running circles along the leather. He took his hands away from his neck and grasped my elbows. “I promise it wasn’t what it looked like, Marzy.”

  I wanted to believe him. I wanted him to keep calling me Marzy. It was a ridiculous nickname, but one that no one else had ever called me. Only an hour after my empowering decision and I was already second-guessing myself. I stared into his eyes, trying to find any deceit or manipulation. There wasn’t any. Just honesty. And hopefulness. I didn’t know what to do. My heart and brain were in complete conflict with each other. Which one did you follow? Your logic center or your soul center? Which one led you to fulfillment? Which one guided you down the right path? I spread my fingers on his stomach and gripped his shirt.

  Sensing that I was giving in, he leaned down and kissed me softly, barely touching my lips with his. I didn’t pull away. I couldn’t pull away. My resolve started to crumble. “If we do this-” I started, but a loud knock at my front door cut me off. We both jerked our heads towards the foyer.

  “Lucas! Are you in there?” a girl cried from outside.

  I quickly released him and took a step back. “I’m sorry. I can’t.”

  Lucas’ face fell and he leaned down on the kitchen island. I walked away before he could try to talk me out of my decision. When I’d nearly made it to the stairs, there was another knock, this time louder. I paused and looked over my shoulder. Lucas was hunched over, looking at the counter. “Fuck!” he yelled and banged his fist on it. I flinched but resumed my steps. As I reached the bottom of the stairs, I heard him walking towards the front door.

  Wally and Charles were at the top landing, staring at each other. They had their hands over their mouths, trying to keep from making any noise. Their eyes were wide with astonishment. Seeing me, they ran off. I heard one door slam and then another. They were just like girls.

  In my room, I sat down on my bed and took off my shoes. My phone was on my nightstand, and I scrolled through the missed calls. All from my father. Six in total. No voicemails. I couldn’t bring myself to call him back. With everything else going on, I didn’t want to hear his explanations. It would just piss me off more. Nothing he said to me right now would make me feel any better.

  Without a knock, my door opened and Wally strolled in. He fell down on my bed, bouncing with the movement. “It’s a good thing I wasn’t naked.” I told him.

  “Good for who?” He made a face like I was insane. “I know you’re my roommate, but you’re a girl. Of course, I want to see you naked. Like that’s all I think about.” He didn’t even seem embarrassed to admit that.

  I h
ugged myself and narrowed my eyes at him. “You’re weird.”

  “Tell me about it.” He flung himself back on my bed and looked up to the ceiling, linking his fingers on his stomach. “So let’s talk about your situation.”

  “No.”

  “Yes.”

  “I don’t feel like talking about it.”

  “Well, then I’ll talk and you can just listen.”

  I sighed one of those sighs you would give your parents when they kept nagging and nagging about how you needed to live your life better.

  “Candace and Lucas-”

  “Ugh. I don’t care!” I flung my hands down on the bed. “Can we all just move on from this?”

  “Of course, but only after you let me finish.” He peered up at me and I rolled my eyes but didn’t say anything else. He looked back down and continued. “Candace and Lucas’ parents are really good friends. That’s how they met and why they are still around each other all the time. But it all started about four years ago. They dated for a little while. Not long, and things never got serious. They broke up because she was super possessive of him. She would flip her lid every time he talked to another girl. I’m talking even a waitress. Well, he got tired of it and ended it. But they never stopped hooking up here and there. It just sort of happened sometimes. Then Lucas’ dad gave him the bar. He’d been running it for probably about six months when Candace went batshit.”

  Not comfortable in my position, I lay down next to him and rolled to my side so I could look at him while he talked. He mimicked me and propped the side of his head on his hand.

  “Burns got a new bartender,” he continued. “She was hot. Like super-hot.” His eyes got wide to emphasize. “I mean blowing a gasket hot.”

  “I get it,” I smiled.

  “Nothing was going on between Lucas and her,” he said. “Believe me, I’d know. He’d tell me. They had a position open and she was the only one who applied, so she got the job. That was it. But Candace thought that they were… you know…” He was thrusting his hips. I smiled while I shook my head at his vulgar miming. “Not that it mattered, because they weren’t even dating, but Candace felt like she had some type of claim on him. And girl, she went crazy. I mean literally insane. Showing up at his house all the time, yelling in the yard. Coming up to the bar trying to start stuff with the bartender. It got bad. She even punched her one night. The cops had to come up there and everything.”