Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  “Your turn, Marlowe,” his dad said.

  I tensed. That looked dangerous. I wasn’t sure I was ready. “You first,” I said. “I want to see someone else go again.” I was braver on this one and stood next to Lucas, but still clutched his arm when the pumpkin exploded. By the look on his face, it was clear he thought my reactions were amusing.

  I ended up watching Lucas, his Dad, and his Uncle blow them up at least two more times, putting my turn off. But I couldn’t do it forever. There was only one pumpkin left. Mine. “Alright Marlowe,” his dad said. “Time to shit or get off the pot.”

  I made a face at the gross analogy, but chuckled. “So I just cut a hole in the top, light the M80, drop it in, and then come back over here?

  “That’s it.”

  I held the pumpkin, but felt scared. The good kind of scared. The nervous, I want to do this, but I’m afraid, even though I know it will be fun, scared.

  Lucas nudged me and smiled. “You got this,” he said.

  I used his Dad’s pocketknife to cut the hole and walked to where they’d been putting the pumpkins. His Uncle gave me the M80 and the lighter. They were all standing by the car but I couldn’t see their faces in the shadow of the headlights. Carefully, I flicked the lighter and brought it to the M80, but pulled back at the last second. “I can’t do it!” I yelled to them.

  “Yes you can,” his Dad called.

  “Just drop it in and run back,” his Uncle said.

  It was obvious that they found this humorous. Taking a deep breath, I pulled my hair over one shoulder. I eyed the hole in the pumpkin and bent down. Before I could talk myself out of it, I lit the M80 and dropped it. In my haste to move, I scrambled on the ground, but got back up.

  “You missed it!” I heard someone yell.

  Not thinking, I turned back around to put it in the pumpkin. “No!” Lucas laughed. “Get over here!”

  I realized how stupid I was being and peeled off towards him. I’d wasted precious seconds, and wasn’t sure I’d make it in time. Closing in, I leapt into his arms. Laughing, he caught me and held me up at his waist. At the last second, he turned so we could both see my failure. I held my ear as the M80 exploded on the ground, taking half of the pumpkin with it.

  “Awww… Anticlimactic,” I said. “Sorry.” Lucas chuckled and nuzzled my neck before putting me down.

  “Are you kidding me?” his Uncle said laughing. “Seeing you scramble around in that outfit made this whole thing worth it.”

  Since it was late, we said our goodbyes and Lucas’ dad gave me a big hug. “You come by the house anytime,” he whispered. I smiled and nodded, even though I knew I wouldn’t. That was a level of seriousness Lucas and I didn’t have.

  In Lucas’ car, I sat in the middle next to him. We waved to his Uncle and Dad as we pulled off. With all the exploding pumpkin excitement, I’d almost forgotten about our earlier acts. But then Lucas placed his hand high on my inner thigh as he drove. It was so close to where it had previously been that all of the feelings came flooding back.

  I blissfully sighed and placed mine along his forearm, telling him that I didn’t want him to move it. He squeezed my leg as he focused on maneuvering the winding road. Wondering what happened with Mark, I pulled my phone out of my purse, seeing a few texts from Bear.

  Mark had reluctantly left. Charles had told him that I was only visiting for the weekend so hopefully that would keep him away for good.

  As we stopped at the end of the road, Lucas pulled out his phone, too. I was distracted with my own text messages, but looked at his screen. He had a new message from someone named Sandra. My eyes scanned it and read, “Hope you come back, you didn’t get to finish-”

  Lucas turned off his phone and slipped it back into his pocket before I could read the rest. My stomach dropped and I wondered if that was what had kept him occupied upstairs. Probably. I’d been with him most of the night and hadn’t seen him talking to anyone named Sandra.

  This was a good reminder that despite everything—all the time we spent together, meeting his dad, all the ways he touched me and showed affection—he and I weren’t committed to one another. He was free to be with whoever he wanted. And so was I. It sucked that right now the only person I wanted to be with was him when he apparently had others.

  I forced myself to push those feelings aside. This is what I wanted. A noncommittal relationship. One where both of us were free to do as we pleased and not answer for anything.

  It was late when we made it back and most everyone had left the party, but there were a few stragglers. I was exhausted. It was after 2 a.m. and I had schoolwork to do the next day. I told Lucas goodnight and waved to everyone else. As I was walking up the stairs, I looked over my shoulder and saw Lucas approach a girl. She was slender and had a cute pixie cut. Her eyes lit up when he approached. Sandra. It had to be.

  She said something to him and excitedly placed a hand on his arm. Lucas looked over and caught me staring. Not taking his eyes off me, he pulled a beer off the counter, and walked out the back door. I didn’t stay to see if the girl followed him, because deep down I knew I shouldn’t care.

  I decided that it was time to pull back. I had the power to give as much or as little to this relationship with Lucas as I wanted. And right now, I needed to give little. I was busy studying when there was a knock at my bedroom door.

  “Come in,” I called.

  The door opened and Lucas sat down on my bed. “You didn’t get a desk,” he said and brushed some hair out of my face.

  “Not yet, but Charles is taking me tomorrow.” I went back to reading my homework. After a few seconds, Lucas cleared his throat.

  “I was about to get a bite to eat, you wanna come?”

  “I already had a sandwich,” I told him truthfully.

  “Alright.” There was a stretch of silence before he said, “Want me to come with you tomorrow to help pick out the desk?”

  Normally, I would have said yes. Any company with him was good company, but I was trying hard to leave my heart out of this. “That’s okay. Charles and I can handle it.”

  He looked at me for a beat then rubbed the back of his head. I thought he was going to say more, but instead he stood and brought a hand to my hair. He was bending down, about to kiss the top of my head, but I looked up at him and met his lips with mine. He kissed me once and then again, before walking off. Maybe I shouldn’t have kissed him, especially if I was trying to keep some distance, but I was weak.

  It wasn’t that I didn’t want to go to lunch with him or have him help me pick out a desk. I absolutely did. But if he was still hanging out with the Sandras of the world, I didn’t need to want to. It would only end in heartache.

  That night I didn’t go to their show. Instead, I watched movies. I thought about Lucas, and what he was doing or who he was doing it with, but tried not to dwell on it. By 10 o’clock, I was exhausted and fell asleep. The next morning I had a text message from the night before. Lucas had sent it and asked if I was going to make it to the bar. Obviously, I hadn’t so I didn’t even bother responding.

  After Charles got off work, we hopped in his truck and headed to a furniture store. I realized that we hadn’t even talked about what happened with Mark.

  “I never thanked you for dealing with Mark,” I told him as we were driving.

  “No need. It was my pleasure to tell that asshole where to go.”

  I hmphed. “Well, sorry for bringing you into it. I never expected to have to see him again.”

  “Pretty crazy,” he said. “Why didn’t you tell me about what he did?”

  “I don’t know. I guess I was just tired of thinking about it. You were one of the only people who didn’t know and it felt nice to not talk about it with you.” I sighed. “I guess I should have.” He was my best friend after all. “Did he give you a lot of trouble?”

  “Naw. He was furious for a while, but then I took him outside and laid it out for him. That you had moved on and he needed to. I’m not
kidding, the dude started crying. He admitted to everything and tried to give me some sob story. I just let him talk it out until he realized that it was better this way. That he needed to let you go.”

  “That’s so stupid,” I said. “He let me go months ago. He didn’t want anything to do with me. It was only after I stopped wanting him that he became so hell bent on us getting back together.”

  “Pride, I guess.”

  I didn’t care what it was. Mark had royally screwed me up—messed with my self-esteem, made me second guess love, pushed me away from ever committing to anyone else ever again. My father hadn’t helped either—off fornicating with Juanita while he was still married to my mother. I wondered if they had been together in my house. Had they done things in the home of his family? The thought made me so angry, I pushed it away before I exploded.

  My new desk and chair fit perfectly in the nook by my closet. After it was set up, I didn’t leave my room for the rest of the night. At one point, I heard Lucas talking to Wally in the hallway, but he never knocked on my door and I never came out.

  I wanted him to. It would have been nice to curl up next to him and watch TV, but it never happened. After I got out of the shower, his voice was gone.

  Lacey texted me the next afternoon and invited me to Nicole’s birthday dinner the following night. I hadn’t even known it was her birthday, which showed what a horrible friend I was. In a rush, I left the house to find her something. I had no idea what she liked. Our clothing style was completely different, her taste in music and movies, nothing like my own.

  In a last ditch effort, I went into a variety shop and found a Star Trek section. They had figurines, mugs, t-shirts, and an assortment of various items. I didn’t know which Star Trek she liked, and there were tons, so I picked out a cute fitted t-shirt that had the emblem and the words “Starfleet Academy United Federation of Planets.” I figured it was a safe bet.

  I returned home to find Lucas on my couch. All the guys were playing a video game. His elbow was resting against the arm, and his fingers were curled over his mouth. He didn’t smile when he saw me, just stared.

  “Wanna join us?” Wally asked.

  I looked at Lucas, who was still watching me. As much as I’d like to hang out and forget about school for a while, I had a huge test the next day and wasn’t prepared. I kicked off my shoes and flung them in a corner. “I have to study for a test. Thanks though.” Lucas didn’t stop staring. His eyes followed me as I walked out of the room. I didn’t know what that was about, but if he wanted to talk to me, he knew exactly where I’d be.

  Later that night, while I was lying in bed, Lucas texted me.

  I can’t sleep.

  I was having trouble, too. I’m trying myself, I sent back.

  Haven’t seen you in a few days. School giving you grief?

  Yeah, I have a big test tomorrow.

  Well, then I guess you need your rest.

  I didn’t like the tone of his words. They felt like a dismissal. Yeah was all I said.

  He didn’t respond after that, and I felt incredibly unsatisfied. I knew he’d probably wanted to say more, but hadn’t. This is why I hated relationships. He was the one who texted me, and I was the one lying here trying to decipher what he wanted to tell me and why he hadn’t.

  I huffed and threw a pillow over my head. Sleep eventually came, but it was unsatisfying, too.

  Chapter 13

  While I was preparing for a test, I peeked out of my window and noticed that Lucas’ car wasn’t outside. My studying was useless, because I was thinking about him almost the entire time.

  Lacey was coming to pick me up around six for dinner. It was Thursday, so I wasn’t sure if the any of the guys would be there. I was sure there would be people I didn’t know attending, so I hoped at least one of them would make it. I’d even take Ian.

  When Lacey arrived, Charles and Wally weren’t home, and I asked her if they were coming.

  “Yeah,” she said and pulled into Lucas’ driveway. She honked twice and a few seconds later Ian and Lucas walked out. Lucas was wearing dark grey jeans and a white thermal shirt that was pushed up to his elbows. It had two gray buttons at the neck. They were open and showing off his tan skin. Unconsciously, I started smoothing my hair out and Lacey giggled. “You look fine. Chill out.”

  Lucas got into the car behind Lacey, Ian behind me. I looked over my shoulder and gave him a close-mouthed smile that he returned. My smile turned into a full on grin when he rubbed his belly. “I’m hungry. We going or what?”

  “Yes, sir,” Lacey said and pulled out of the driveway.

  At the restaurant, Lucas lingered around the car until I started walking towards the front door. His steps fell in beside mine. “You look nice,” he said.

  “So do you,” I told him and didn’t pull away when he put his hand on the small of my back. It was silly to pretend that I didn’t want him to.

  Nicole’s dinner was in private room. There was a huge table set up and people had already arrived. I’d guess at least ten, and I only knew Charles and Wally. I walked over to Nicole and gave her a hug. “Happy Birthday,” I said and handed her my gift. She immediately opened it—even though there were several other bags around her.

  She held up the shirt and beamed. “I love it!” she exclaimed, hugging me again. Lucas told her happy birthday too before we stepped back, letting others come talk with her. He followed me to my chair and chose the one next to mine.

  We were busy talking when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned and saw Michael. “Hey,” I smiled. “What are you doing here?” I waved off my question. “Never mind, that was stupid. You’re Nicole’s cousin. I forgot.”

  He laughed and sat next to me. “It’s nice to see you again.”

  “You, too.” Under the table, I felt Lucas putting his hand on my knee just as I was turning towards Michael. The movement pulled my leg out from under his fingers. It wasn’t intentional, and I hoped he wouldn’t get the wrong idea.

  “How are things?” I asked Michael. “Getting better?”

  “Yeah,” he laughed with embarrassment. “Sorry about that. I didn’t mean to talk your ear off about her all night. I’m sure you were getting annoyed. I know I would have been.”

  “Nonsense.” I swatted his statement away. “We all need to vent sometimes. I didn’t mind.”

  The waiter came out with water and I turned forward again. Lucas had his elbows propped up on the table and his hands crossed in front of his mouth. I wasn’t sure if Michael had ever officially met the guys, so I introduced him. Lucas gave him a small wave, while Wally and Charles engaged him in conversation.

  Lucas was tense. I could see the muscles of his back tight and rigid. I wanted to reach up and rub them, but refrained. I wasn’t oblivious. I knew that his discomfort was caused by Michael’s presence. But if I had to suffer the Sandras, he could stomach the Michaels.

  Nicole was wearing a tiara, and at least twenty people had arrived. When it came time to order, I realized I hadn’t even looked at my menu and ordered the same thing as Lucas. But he didn’t relax until Michael finished eating and walked away.

  Done with his food, Lucas pushed his empty plate away and leaned back in his chair, rubbing his full stomach. Having only been able to eat half of mine, I put my napkin down.

  “Mmm… that was good. Nice choice,” I told him.

  “Stick with me babe, I won’t disappoint you,” he smiled.

  I turned towards him propping my elbow on the table and grinned for no other reason than that he was looking at me. He adjusted in his seat to face me fully, leaning an elbow on the table, too. I realized then how much I liked being around him. His presence made me feel warm and put me in a constant state of happiness. He was about to reach up and touch my hair, when I heard my name over my shoulder. Michael had returned. He was sitting back in his seat and leaning in close as if he wanted to whisper something to me. I turned all the way around and leaned in.

  He had a nervou
s smile when he said, “I’m about to leave, but I was wondering…” he hesitated. “I guess what I’m wondering is if you are, you know, seeing anybody.”

  “Umm…” was all I could get out.

  “Last time I saw you, you were single. Are you still?”

  I felt Lucas sit forward and heard him carrying on a conversation with Charles. What was I supposed to say here? I guess I was, but didn’t feel like it. Since Lucas and I weren’t in any type of committed relationship, I told him the truth.

  “Yeah.”

  Michael looked relieved and then nervous all over again. I really hoped he wasn’t about to ask me what I thought he was.

  “I was thinking maybe you and I –”

  “You ready to go, Marzy?” Lucas cut him off. “Charles is leaving. We can ride back with him and Wally.”

  “Do they have room for us?” I asked.

  “You can sit in my lap,” he said and stood from the table.

  His tone made me feel like I couldn’t argue—not that I wanted to. “Uh, okay then.” I turned to Michael. “It was nice to see you again.”

  “Yeah,” he said and got up from his chair. I decided that if I ever saw him again, we needed to have a talk. He was a nice guy and it didn’t feel good to reject him.

  “What about Ian?” I asked as we were leaving.

  “He’s riding back with Lacey,” Lucas said.

  “I’ll stay too then,” Wally said. “I wasn’t quite ready to go anyway. This chick next to me is totally down for it.” I pursed my lips and shook my head. Not caring about my judgment, he winked at me before walking back to the table.

  I sat in the middle of Charles’ truck, which had a stick. To keep from getting my legs in the way while he shifted, I scooted close to Lucas.

  We rode in silence, but the feel of Lucas up against my body made me breathless. These last few days without him being around had done nothing to squash my desire for him.

  After Charles pulled into our driveway, Lucas and I lingered outside his car, looking at each other. Charles didn’t bother asking if we were coming inside and went without us. The desire to be alone with him, completely alone, was overwhelming. “I’ve never seen your house,” I said.