Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

  I felt it from him, too. Every time he looked at me, it was as if he couldn’t be sure that I was entirely real. And he couldn’t keep his hands off me.

  But still… there was something behind his eyes. I couldn’t quite put my finger on it. Fear. Guilt. Uncertainty. I wasn’t sure, but knew that I needed to let him work it out.

  For the next few days, we spent every free moment together. Either I was at the bar, or we were at one of our houses. Every night, no matter where we were, one of us would crawl into the other’s bed, staying until morning.

  Thursday evening we were in my room. I was on the floor going over homework and he was sitting on my bed. The television wasn’t even on. He sat there silently, not looking at me, but contemplating something. Occasionally, I would glance at him and see his focused eyes staring intently at my ceiling.

  Hoping that he would open up to me in his own time, I finished studying for one class and moved on to the other. After an hour had passed and hardly a word had been spoken between us, I closed my books and crawled towards the bed. Sitting next to him on the floor, I reached out and grabbed his hand. “Hey,” I said.

  “Hey,” he said back, rubbing the back of my knuckles. “I’m not the best company right now, am I?”

  “It’s alright,” I smiled. “Do you want to tell me what’s bothering you?”

  He pulled me up into the bed. I would have straddled his lap, but he scooted over to make room for me to prop against the headboard. “What do you love, Marzy. In life I mean.” That was a deep question, and my answer wasn’t obvious. He must have noticed my frown because he elaborated with, “The bar. The band. All of it seems so superficial to me. I took over the bar because my dad gave it to me, not because I necessarily wanted to. It was there and I wasn’t doing much with my life. The band, well it’s fun. I like getting to hang out with my friends, but it’s all starting to feel so monotonous. Just the same thing week after week. I want something more.”

  “If you didn’t have the bar what would you want to do?”

  “I have no idea,” he sighed. “Before my dad gave it to me I was going to open my own music shop. Sell instruments, maybe give guitar lessons.”

  “Would you still want to do that?” My head was turned towards him, watching his brow crease and relax as he contemplated it.

  “I think so.”

  “So do it.”

  “Maybe. The bar makes good money. Especially now, and it sort of feels like a family legacy. My own music store would be different all together. I’d be taking a big risk.”

  I thought about my dad. When I was younger, he’d told me that he hated his job, but did it to bring money in for the family. I was sure that he still hated it, but now there was no reason for him to continue. I was the only family he had, and his contributions to me weren’t necessary. I appreciated them, but if I didn’t get them, I’d figure it out. Was my dad stuck now? Accustomed to the finer things and unable to let them go to find his happiness? Did he feel like it was too late for him? I threaded my fingers together with Lucas.’

  “My dad hates his job,” I said. “It’s killing him. The stress. The ridiculous hours. But he still does it. I think it’s because he’s done it for too long. It seems hopeless to turn back now. But it’s not too late for you.” I smiled and reached up to briefly touch his face. His head turned towards my palm and he gave it a kiss before I brought it back down. “As far as the family legacy, maybe you could sell it to a cousin or uncle or something. You don’t want it. It’s not your responsibility to keep it alive. Don’t sacrifice your own joy for something that means so little to you.”

  We were silent while he pondered my words. A few minutes passed before he said. “I want to tell Wally and Charles that I don’t want to be in the band anymore. Ian already knows. He doesn’t want to do it either, but we’ve been waiting for the right time to tell them. They enjoy it so much, I feel like shit even thinking about taking it away from them.”

  I felt bad for him. He was trying to please everyone around him and taking so little for himself. “They might surprise you,” I said. “Charles has been getting pretty serious with Priscilla and his new job is going well. Maybe he’d be okay with it. But I don’t know about Wally. We’ve never talked about it.”

  He turned towards me. “So you think I should do it? Open my own store? Ditch the band?”

  It was clear that he wanted guidance, someone to tell him what to do, because he was too scared to make the decision on his own. “I think you should find out what you love and do it. Whatever it is. If it’s the bar. A music store. The band. Find out and do it.”

  He squeezed my hand, and stared at me, soaking in my face. He wanted to tell me something. It was there, just at the edge of his lips, but he was holding back. While he worked it out, I tried to send him a message with my eyes. I’m not going anywhere they said. I’m here. With you. No matter what.

  A knock on my door, broke our silent conversation. Wally asked Lucas to come to his room from the other side. “Why?” Lucas asked.

  “I want to show you the video from my last dive. Some pretty cool shit,” Wally said. Lucas rose and walked towards the door. Since I’d already seen it, I stayed put.

  Wally seemed happier lately. His tandem license was about to come through and soon he’d be able to actually make money as he took others to skydive. I was not going to be one of them. Just thinking about jumping out of a plane made my palms sweat. There was no way.

  A low buzzing sound drew my attention and I searched for my phone. It was on the floor next to my books, the screen black. On my nightstand was Lucas.’

  “Candycane Calling” flashed across the screen. I frowned realizing who Candycane was. Why was she calling him? And why was she in his phone with that name? It was familiar and sweet. A pet name. I tried to push it aside, thinking that maybe he’d just never changed it from before.

  The call went to his voicemail and a few seconds later, it buzzed again. The screen lit up with a new text message from her. I shouldn’t have eavesdropped, but I couldn’t stop myself. It was there, begging me to look. What are you doing? It’s been five days. You said we would talk about us.

  Five days? Saturday. The day he’d come home early to see me. Had he stopped off at her home in Alabama on his way back? Was he still keeping her on the side in case things didn’t work out with us? My throat felt tight, and my chest seized.

  Lucas came back in with a smile. “It’s cool, man,” he said to Wally. “Maybe one day I’ll try it.”

  “You should,” I heard Wally say.

  Lucas didn’t notice the change in me. He walked over and placed a kiss to my forehead. “I’m gonna go, baby. Got some stuff to think about. I might go see my dad tomorrow and talk with him, too. I’ll let you know.”

  As he grabbed his phone, I managed a nod, wondering the depth of the things he was going to be thinking about. Maybe he was struggling with what to do about Candace and me, too.

  My door shut behind him and I remembered Charles’ words. You are worthy. If Lucas doesn’t see it, then fuck him. It shouldn’t be a choice. I was worth it. And if he couldn’t see that then I needed to prepare myself to tell him goodbye.

  The next morning, Lucas texted me saying that he was going to his parent’s house Friday evening. I wished him luck, but had a hard time reconciling the feelings inside me. I was not okay with him continuing to spend time with Candace, whatever the reason. And if he was, I would end it. I refused to be someone’s second choice. Trust was a big issue for me, and if Lucas was around her, it meant that things weren’t 100% over. I was sick with confusion and heartache that night, but still managed to send him my thoughts—hoping that the talk with his father would have a positive outcome.

  A number I didn’t recognize called me around 7 p.m. With apprehension, I answered. “Marlowe, honey, this is Helen. Lucas’ momma.”

  “Oh hey, Helen.” Naturally, I was confused that she would be calling me.

  “I hope you don
’t mind that Lucas gave me your number.”

  “Not at all. What can I help you with?”

  “Well, we’re having a big barbeque tomorrow for William’s birthday. It’s a surprise,” she whispered. “I was wondering if maybe you’d like to come. William would just love to see you again.”

  Why wasn’t Lucas asking me? “Does Lucas know you’re inviting me?”

  “Of course. He suggested it.” Her voice went even quieter as she said, “Don’t tell him I told you this, but you’ve been all he’s talked about since he got here. You sure are special to him.” Her words were sweet and kind, filled with motherly love. “Please come. It would make us all so happy to see you.”

  Unable to say no to her, I agreed. “I’d love to,” I smiled. “Can you give me directions? I don’t remember how to get there.”

  The trip would take me about forty-five minutes. Once I wrote everything down, Helen surprised me with another request. “Why don’t you just come on tonight? It’s still early. We wouldn’t mind if you stayed.”

  “Wouldn’t that ruin the surprise?” Honestly, this was unexpected, but it also made me feel more secure about my position with Lucas.

  “I’ll just tell him that the two of you are staying for the weekend.”

  “Do you mind if I talk to Lucas first?” I asked, wanting to make sure that he was okay with it.

  “Give me just a second.” I heard her moving around, doors opening and closing, and then the distinct sound of male voices. “Marlowe wants to talk to you, honey,” Helen told him.

  A few seconds later, Lucas came on the line with an enthusiastic, “Hey! My mom told you about tomorrow?”

  “Yeah. But she also asked me if I wanted to come over tonight instead of driving there tomorrow. Is that okay?”

  “Come on, babe. I’ve missed you.” He’d said it so effortlessly, making all my insecurities dissipate.

  “Okay,” I smiled. “I’ll see you in a little while.”

  About an hour and a half later, I was pulling into his parents’ driveway. Helen, William, and Lucas were out on the porch. His parents in a swing and him propping against the side of the house. Lucas was the last to receive a hello. His parents’ hugs were long and tight, full of affection. They’d already eaten dinner, but Helen saved me a plate and heated it up for me. I ate with Lucas sitting next to me at their table. Bill and Helen were still outside on the swing, so I took our isolation as an opportunity. “Have you talked with your dad?” I asked.

  “No,” he said, shaking his head. “Is it sad that I completely forgot that his birthday is tomorrow? I only came tonight by chance. I can’t do it. It’ll have to be another time.”

  “Okay,” I nodded, understanding. If it was going to hurt his dad, this wasn’t the most opportune moment. It would suck if he was in a horrible mood his entire birthday. But there was something else bothering me. I didn’t want to bring it up. Part of me wanted to sweep it under a rug and pretend as if it didn’t happen. Maybe I’d only imagined those words. Maybe they meant nothing. But I knew that if I never asked, it would eat at me until I couldn’t take it anymore. “I saw something the other night,” I said. He looked at me thoughtfully, trying to decide where I was going with this. “On your phone. I wasn’t trying to. But you left it on my nightstand and it was just there.”

  His brow went in with worry or confusion. Affectionately, his hand came to my thigh and he gave it a rub. “What was it?” he asked.

  “A message from Candace.” I couldn’t look at him and studied my half-empty plate of food. He had to know what message I was referring to, so I didn’t elaborate on its contents. “Are you still seeing her, Lucas?”

  “No,” he said earnestly. “I’m not. I promise. There’s only you.”

  To see if I could sense a lie on his face, I turned towards him. His head was propped on his hand, and he was staring straight at me, hiding nothing.

  “Then why did she say that you would talk with her about the two of you?”

  He cleared his throat, and rubbed his hand along his chin, thinking of how to respond. “She’s having a hard time letting this go. The other night I tried to talk to her, but she was drunk and not hearing me. I told her that we’d discuss it later. She only heard what she wanted to. It wasn’t what it looked like.”

  “So you still talk to her?”

  “No,” he said, shaking his head and grabbing my hand. “I don’t. I’m sorry that you still have to deal with this, but I’m going to make her see that I’m only with you now. Just you, Marzy.”

  Just me. “I believe you,” I said and took his face in my hands, giving him a kiss. His parents came in just as we pulled apart. The remainder of the night was spent sitting around their television. It was after midnight when his parents went to sleep. We followed. Lucas assured me that it wasn’t a big deal for me to sleep in his bed, but I felt like a harlot and wouldn’t let him touch me.

  He had just turned out his light and crawled under the covers next to me, his hand immediately going to my breast. “Stop it,” I said and swatted it away.

  Lucas chuckled, and moved his hand to my stomach. “Can’t blame a guy for trying,” he said.

  The next day was manic. Helen was busy trying to get William out of the house, but he kept dragging his feet, not wanting to go. Finally, Lucas convinced him to go to the liquor store with him. Not five minutes after they left, a parade of people arrived. I’d never met even one of them.

  Helen tried to introduce me as they came pouring in, carrying presents, food, and beer, but it was hopeless. There were children and adults of all ages. Cousins. Aunts. Uncles. Family friends. I’d guess at least fifty people and all of them were there to make sure that William had a fantastic birthday. I felt privileged to be a part of it.

  When William and Lucas finally came back, his father was red-faced and had tears in his eyes. He didn’t cry, but it was obvious that this gesture touched him. To let all of his family say their hello’s and catch up, I remained in the back of the living room up against a wall. Lucas spotted me, and came to give me a hug. “He never saw it coming,” he said. I smiled and wrapped my arms around his waist. “I’m so glad that you’re here,” he said.

  “Me, too.”

  “Did you get a chance to meet everyone?”

  “More or less. But it’s been pretty crazy.”

  “Well, I’ll make sure to show you off later.” He smiled and gave me a sweet kiss on the tip of my nose.

  Everyone began filtering out into the large front yard. A bunch of men started unloading tables from a pickup truck in the driveway and Lucas was on his way to help them, but stopped in his tracks when a familiar SUV pulled up. Even I knew that car. Memories of Christmas came flooding back. He stopped at the window and watched the doors open. Sure enough, Candace’s head came out of the back. “Shit,” he muttered and walked into the kitchen where his mother was. I followed. For the moment, we were relatively alone with her. “Why did you invite her?” he asked forcefully. “You know I don’t want to see her.”

  “I didn’t invite her,” Helen said. “I invited her parents. Which as you know are some of your father and I’s oldest friends. It’s not my fault if she makes you uncomfortable. You should think about who you fornicate with.” My mouth pulled in on suppressed laughter. Hearing the word out of her mouth was hilarious, and I had to agree. They both noticed my amusement and Lucas gave me a playful scowl. His mother smiled sweetly. “This is the price he has to pay for all his years of debauchery.”

  “Mom. Jeez…”

  “Years!” I repeated with a smile and wrapped my arms around stomach.

  “Well, maybe not years,” Helen said. “But you finally got a good one. You better treat her right.”

  Lucas gave me a kiss on the top of the head. “I will,” he whispered.

  Over the next few hours, we made a point to stay as far away from Candace as possible. Lucas kept me glued to his side, his arm around me. If that didn’t tell her that he was through w
ith her, I didn’t know what would. Occasionally, I would see her staring at us, a tearful scowl on her face. Mia had arrived shortly after she did and was trying to keep her busy, but she still managed to periodically sneak close to us. Each time she approached, Lucas found a reason to walk across the yard and talk to someone else. But I could tell that she was becoming fed up. It wouldn’t be long before she exploded.

  We’d already eaten, and I was sitting in the yard playing with one of his cousins. Haley was her name. A cute, little, curly headed toddler with red hair and puffy cheeks. We were playing peek-a-boo and she would squeal with delight every time I moved my hands away from my face. “She likes you,” Lucas smiled.

  “I like her, too,” I said.

  While we grinned at one another, we didn’t realize that Haley had grabbed a bottle of ketchup from the table. As only a child would, she squirted the bottle right at Lucas and made a surprised face when the red glob shot out onto his shirt. To hide my amusement, I covered my mouth with my hand. Slowly, Lucas closed his eyes and let out a groan.

  From across the yard, her mother saw and came over to us. While she scolded the child, Lucas wiped the ketchup from his shirt. Haley gave him a quiet apology and walked off. “I’m gonna go change shirts,” he said. “Be back in a second.”

  Silently, I sat by myself watching his family walk around the yard. Groups of people were laughing, drinking, eating. Everyone was smiling and enjoying the beautiful day. This was something that I could get used to. A family again. A true family. People who cared about me and wanted me to be a part of their lives.