Starting Fires

by Makenzie Smith

As I turned the corner into my kitchen, I saw him, propped against the island, his back to me. Maybe it was the atmosphere in the house or maybe it was hearing Lacey express her deep love of Ian, but when the contours of his back, the expanse of his shoulders, and the abandon of his messy hair all hit me, I audibly expelled all my breath. The sound drew his attention. Over his shoulder, he smiled.

  I bit my lip and smiled back, moving to his side. “What did you get them?” I asked in a whisper, not wanting Lacey or Ian to hear.

  He leaned towards me, putting his mouth right next to my ear. Slowly, he answered, “A new bedroom suite.” The deep huskiness of his tone, made my toes curl.

  He didn’t move away, and I turned to his ear. “That makes my plates look pathetic.” His light chuckle gave me butterflies.

  Neither one of us were moving, and the quiet conversation was done. There was no point to our faces being this close any longer. An overwhelming desire to reach out and hug him washed over me. Just a hug. Long and tight, feeling his arms encircle me. Instead, I took a step back, moving to sit on the counter across from him. We were still staring at one another. Would I stop him if he reached out and touched me? Or if he moved to stand in between my legs? I didn’t think so. But he didn’t do either. He ran a hand across his mouth then walked outside, away from me.

  The cupcakes had been consumed, the presents had been opened, the barbeque had been eaten, and now the alcohol was flowing. It was strange to watch Ian and Lacey interact in public. Since they’d announced their romance, I’d hardly seen them.

  Ian never stopped smiling, his hands always finding some way to touch her. The way they looked at each other… Most of the time, I couldn’t even watch them without feeling as if I was intruding on some private moment.

  “It’s sweet, isn’t it?” I heard Lucas ask over my shoulder.

  “It is,” I said. “Why didn’t you tell me about them? Lacey said you knew.”

  “Would you have told me?” he smiled. I quirked my lip, tilting my head to the side. “That’s what I thought.” Wally barged by, pushing him into me. I didn’t pull away when his arm touched mine, and neither did he. “I almost did a few times, though,” he continued. “I thought it might have been fun for us all to do something together. Plus, it felt silly that you both couldn’t be at our house at the same time.”

  It was odd talking to him so casually about us in the past tense. Maybe we’d actually reached the friend zone and all the past was just that, the past. We were moving on. What would I do if he started seeing someone else? “I would have liked that, I think,” I said. Please don’t start dating anyone else. I’m not ready for it.

  I didn’t want him to see the sadness in my eyes, so I walked away, going up to my room. I sat on my bed, a pillow clutched around my stomach. I was so selfish. This was supposed to be a happy day, a day of celebration, but I couldn’t see past my own problems. And I knew that no matter how much I chastised myself, I wouldn’t be able to. The sparrow pendant was sitting on my nightstand. I held it up against the violin around my neck. I’d long since given in and started wearing it daily, but I missed feeling the sparrow there too.

  When my phone vibrated in my pocket, I realized that I’d been wallowing in self-pity for thirty minutes. It was a text from Kate, looking for Lucas. She’d sought me out when she couldn’t reach him, thinking that we would be together. Something in my heart twisted. Did everyone still view us that way? I wondered if Charles texted him when he couldn’t get in touch with me.

  He’s at my house, I told her. I’ll tell him to call you.

  I found him, along with everyone else, in the kitchen. He and Wally were talking. Only his profile was in view, but his heartfelt laugh was still beautiful. “Lucas,” I said, stepping up to him.

  “Yeah, baby,” he said, turning his smile to me. Realizing his word choice, his face looked only a little embarrassed, but then his eyes softened.

  The word affected me. Baby. Such a simple thing that I’d heard him call me too many times to count, but my face still felt hot. “Kate texted me,” I said. “She’s looking for you.”

  “I left my phone at home,” he said, stepping closer to me. “Do you mind if I use yours?”

  Our necks were both craned to lessen the height difference, his down and mine up. His deep brown eyes were looking into mine—seeing much, I was sure. The only thing I was capable of thinking was how magnificent it felt to have him look at me like that. Right now, it felt as though I was the only thing that mattered to him. Just me. Everything else was cast aside as he gave me every part of himself. It was there, all I had to do was reach out and take it. Was it just as painful for him to stare into my eyes?

  I felt his finger lightly trail down the back of my hand. He’d asked me something. What was it? “Oh, yes,” I said, laughing off my silence. “Here.” I handed him my phone and took a step back. To have some privacy he walked into the living room, though he didn’t have a reason to. Everyone was perfectly quiet.

  “Hey, it’s Lucas,” I heard him say. “I’m using her phone… Because she’s with me… No… Stop it. I assume you need me for a reason.”

  Across the room, Nicole was staring at me, her eyebrows drawn way up. I rolled my eyes and grabbed one of the remaining cupcakes.

  “Soooooo…” Wally said. “That was interesting.”

  “Shut up,” I muttered through a mouthful of food.

  Conversation resumed but for the rest of the night, I felt on edge. Alcohol would have only made my feelings worse so I stayed away from it.

  As I was walking up the stairs, calling it a night and going to bed, Lucas met me at the top landing. Awkwardly, we stopped and stared at one another. “I’m going to bed,” I said.

  “Yeah, I’ll probably head home soon.” When he didn’t say more, I squeezed by him. I was a few feet away when he added, “Wally just told me about a concert he wants to go to in a couple of weeks. Wanna come with us?” There was no reason for me to think about it. I already knew my answer was yes, but I didn’t respond right away. “I’m driving. You can ride with me.”

  “Okay,” I said.

  “Okay,” he smiled.

  Lacey and Ian couldn’t make the concert, but the rest of us piled into his Buick. An ice chest claimed the spot of the middle back seat, between Wally and Nicole. Without having to voice it, everyone assumed that I’d be riding in the front next to Lucas. It was about an hour away, and the drive wasn’t so bad. With everyone else in the car, it was easy to forget how close we were.

  The band we were seeing was one that I’d never heard of, but the pavilion was interesting. A huge open-air amphitheater stood at the bottom of a large rolling hill. We didn’t buy tickets, and only had to pay for parking. Anyone could come and watch them play and alcohol was permitted as long as it wasn’t in glass bottles, hence the ice chest. Lucas was the only one who thought to bring a blanket. Charles had a folding chair, but Nicole had already convinced him to let her use it. A few different bands were playing throughout the day, so we found a spot in the middle of the grass hill and set up.

  Lucas opened a beer and leaned onto his elbows, his long legs stretching out in front of him. Once everyone else had their drinks, Charles claimed the ice chest, and Nicole, his chair. Without a thought, Wally walked over to the blanket and sprawled out, too. “Are you gonna make Marzy stand?” Lucas asked.

  Wally peered up at me. “We can make room for her.” He scooted over and patted the tiny spot between them. I didn’t want to stand, or sit on the grass, but it was hot and I’d worn the shortest pair of shorts I owned. No matter how I situated myself, they’d be getting an eyeful of skin. “I don’t bite,” Wally said. “Well, not unless you want me to.”

  “Like I’d ever ask you to bite me,” I said. To keep from getting grass on the blanket, I took off my flip-flops and sat between them, my hips directly in line with their faces.

  Since there was no shade, we were all wearing sunglasses, making it hard to read Lucas’ expressio
n when Wally replied with, “Yeah. Maybe I should leave that to my boy over there.” Visibly, I stiffened, and shot an elbow into his shoulder. “What?” he laughed. “I’m positive that he’s bitten something on you. Probably a few things.”

  My face started heating. “You’re so rude,” I whispered to him, making everyone around us chuckle, even Lucas—though his was quiet, hidden behind a sip of beer.

  While the band played on stage, I quietly nursed my drink. Periodically, Wally would shift on the blanket, pushing into my tiny space and making me scoot closer to Lucas. He didn’t seem to mind, and didn’t move away

  After they finished, a new band started setting up and everyone but Lucas and I went to walk around. Ice cream and slushy stands were set up on the outskirts of the stage. They looked tempting with the sun bearing down on us. I wasn’t sweating yet, but could feel my skin heating. Of course, today would be a day that I’d forgotten a hair band. With Wally gone, I scooted down and stretched my legs out in front of me. To momentarily get my hair away from my neck, I leaned on my hands and tilted my head back. The gentle breeze felt nice, and I savored it with a sigh.

  I barely felt his gentle tugs, and knew that his fingers were playing with the ends of my hair. Slightly, I tilted my head towards him, and saw that his shaded eyes were fixed on the stage. Up on one elbow, he took a drink from his beer.

  This morning, I’d given in and added his sparrow to the violin chain. It was tucked into my shirt, but I’d wondered what he’d feel if he saw them together, dangling from my neck. I was beginning to feel my resolve dwindle. “Are things better with Gwen?” I asked to remind myself of what had happened between us.

  “I fired her,” he said. “Or let her go rather. Fired sounds so harsh.”

  “I didn’t know that,” I said. “When?”

  “Probably a week after you started coming back to the bar.”

  Taken off guard, I reach over his body to open the ice chest. Clumsily, I fished a beer out, having to lean against him to reach it. “Why did you let her go? She was a good bartender.”

  He began toying with his beer can, twirling it back and forth as he thought about how to answer. “I guess I didn’t like the way she talked to you.”

  For a split second, my heart tensed, but then I remembered all the nasty things Candace had said to me. “Really?” I laughed. “Candace has said far worse to me, but you still have her around.”

  “Had,” he said. “I had her around. While you were in New York she and I talked, too.”

  I shouldn’t have been this interested in finding out what they’d discussed, but I turned towards him. “What about?” I asked, before taking a long drink from my beer.

  He watched me. “You really want to know?” he asked.

  I gave a noncommittal shrug. “I don’t know. I guess it really doesn’t matter.”

  It didn’t matter. I turned forward to face the stage. The new band was about to start playing, and I was sure our friends would be back soon. Next to me, Lucas rose from the blanket, sitting as I was. “I did her wrong,” he said. “For a long time. I knew that I didn’t want what she did, and told her as much, but I didn’t put my foot down as I should have. I kept hoping that she would find somebody. That she would move on and I wouldn’t have to be the bad guy, but she never did. And then I used her.”

  It made me mad that he talked about Candace’s hurt like she was some victim. Maybe she was, but it was difficult to see that through my own pain, especially when she’d been such a vital part of it. “Poor Candace,” I said and stood from the blanket. There had to be a bathroom around here somewhere. Without looking back at him, I stormed off to a concrete structure away from the lawn. A line of girls was trailing out of it, so I figured it was a safe bet.

  With the wait, it took at least twenty minutes for me to finish, and I was still seething when I came out, pissed that I’d asked him about it at all. From the sidelines, I watched the next band play. They were better than the last, but all I could really hear was their drum player.

  Out of the corner of my eye, I saw someone walking towards me. It was Lucas. I threw my hands out and starting walking in the other direction.

  “Marzy,” he said. I didn’t turn around. “Marzy, wait.” I still didn’t turn around. He caught up enough to grab my hand and pull me to a stop.

  “What?” I yelled. A few people turned to stare at us, and I shrunk in on myself.

  After our audience went back to their business, he brought a hand to my face. “And then I used her.” Reactively, I started pulling away, but he didn’t let me. “I told her that I will never be what she wants. I can’t. She needs to move on. Because I belong to someone else.”

  The tension left me. He belongs to someone else. One of my hands wrapped around his forearm. He belongs to me. This is what I wanted to hear from him, but now that he’d said the words, it was too much. I wanted to hold on to my anger and hurt, because they felt real. They felt like a sure thing. This felt like a risk. A risk I wasn’t ready to take. “I’m glad you cleared it up with her,” I said flatly. Behind his shaded eyes, I couldn’t read his expression, but I’d guess that it was disappointed. “Let’s go watch the rest of the concert.”

  The sun was setting and the last band was set to go on stage. As the grassy lawn started filling, it was clear that this was one people had come to watch. If we wanted to see, sitting wasn’t an option anymore. Lucas folded his blanket and put it on top of the ice chest. I pushed my sunglasses into my hair and he’d discarded his, so now it was easy to see the hurt in his eyes. It wasn’t that I didn’t want him anymore. But I was scared all over again. All the courage I’d gained had been killed, replaced by new turmoil and insecurities.

  The tension in his neck and shoulders was visible. He was purposefully looking anywhere but at me and standing far enough away that we wouldn’t touch. This wasn’t what I wanted either.

  Time. I needed time. It had been nearly three months, but I needed more. If I mattered that much to him, he would give it to me. Selfishly, I didn’t want him to move on from me yet. And he might. Especially if I kept rejecting him.

  The band started playing and the crowd was pulled into their music. I didn’t know any of their songs, and if Lucas did, he didn’t seem to be enjoying it. On an impulse, I moved to stand in front of him. My back was to the stage and he was looking down at me, trying not to look hopeful. Without a word, I pulled the necklace out from under my shirt and showed him the sparrow flying next to the violin. I turned around to the stage and his hands went to me—one settling on my hip, the other on my shoulder. I didn’t stop him. I even closed my eyes when I felt his lips touch the top of my head.

  On the car ride home, everyone was loud and boisterous. Lucas had only indulged in two beers, and hadn’t drank in at least an hour, so I let him drive.

  After about thirty minutes on the road, Wally and Nicole were having an argument in the back seat. “You’re so full of shit Wally,” Nicole said. “There is no way you’ve jumped out of an airplane over 500 times.”

  “Oh my God,” he groaned. “I’m not having this discussion with you again. I have and it doesn’t matter what you think.”

  “You’re lying.” She was drunk and egging him on, and he was letting her.

  “No I’m not!”

  As I listened to them, I was smiling to myself. And still smiling when my phone started vibrating. I pulled it out of my pocket and saw Juanita’s name flash across my screen. Not knowing what she wanted, I sent it to voicemail.

  A few minutes later, she was calling again. I sent it to my voicemail again.

  Wally and Nicole were arguing louder now. But Juanita kept calling. Over and over. Never leaving a message.

  “Something wrong?” Lucas asked.

  “I don’t know,” I said. “My dad’s housekeeper/lover keeps calling me.”

  “Do you want to answer it?”

  “I’m not sure.” I prayed that she was just being weird and calling me nonstop to see
if I wanted to come home for a trip or something, but I knew that was unlikely. “Maybe I should.” My voice sounded distant and foreign.

  “Hey,” Lucas said loudly. “Shut the hell up for a second. Marzy needs to take a phone call.”

  With a few grunts and sighs, their argument ended and, like clockwork, my phone vibrated. I was hesitating. “It’ll be okay,” he said. “Just see what she wants.”

  Knowing that I would need it, I put my hand on his leg for strength. “Hello,” I said.

  “Marlowe!” Juanita sobbed. “Oh, Marlowe. I don’t know what to do. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I was afraid I wouldn’t reach you.”

  My hand on his leg squeezed and he brought one of his down to rest on top of it, gently rubbing. “Tell me what’s going on,” I said.

  “Your dad, sweetie. Your dad… he’s… he’s…” she was crying so hard, I couldn’t even guess at what she was going to say. “Oh my God… it’s so horrible… I can’t even… the way he looked… it was heartbreaking… oh God…”

  “Just spit it out already!” I said forcefully, growing impatient with her. I felt guilty about suddenly losing it, but this was my dad we were talking about, the last remaining family I had.

  She whined. “He’s at the hospital,” she said, taking a breath. “He had a heart attack. A bad one. They had to revive him two times in the ambulance. Oh, Marlowe, I don’t know if he’ll make it.” Her sobbing was ringing in my ear. Maybe I should have offered her some comforting words, but I didn’t have any.

  The phone slipped from my fingers and went crashing to the floorboard of the car. Its light bouncing around until it settled at Charles’ feet. One of my hands went to my head. The other, clutched Lucas’ as I turned into his shoulder.

  “What’s happening?” he asked.

  It took me a moment to respond. “How far away are we?” I whispered to him.

  “Fifteen minutes. Tell me what you need,” he rushed out, sensing my anxiety. “I’ll do whatever you need.”

  “Just hurry,” I said.